HOW TO REVIEW · 8:34am Jul 29th, 2016
how 2 write gud review?!
well, you just do this:
that was easy. blog post done!
okay, if you really want a longer answer...
Every round in the writeoff recently, I notice a lot of gloom and despair in the Discord chat over how to write reviews for the entries. I sometimes wonder if more people have anxiety over leaving feedback than actually writing their stories. People want in-depth constructive criticism, and you'll let them down by leaving an ordinary mediocre comment! 
You don't have to be the best proofreader and spot every grammar mistake. You don't have to have a deep understanding of genres and literary theory to explain why a story doesn't work. You don't need some gimmick, or an angry persona, or clever jokes. I tell people to write whatever they want. But, people still get intimidated.
Everyone starts writing because they've read at least one good story, and they have a vision of what their own good story could be like (even if that changes over the years). I think most people just can't imagine what a good review should be. They're too used to typical INTERNET OPINION SHOUTING, or long essays that are so erudite and complicated they couldn't hope to ever match up to that level.
I hope to help out with that. Anyone can write reviews! It's not supposed to be homework, it's almost an art form of its own.
Though actually uh... I don't have anything original to say. Everything I learned came from George Starostin, whose hobby is writing thousands and thousands of music reviews for his blog.
So I'll just direct you to read his essay, where he already figured all this stuff out long ago:
[url=http://starling.rinet.ru/music/essay3.htmThe Endless Battle of Subject vs. Object
though he specifies music reviews, this covers every kind of reviewing. by beginning with "The Great Doubt" he ends up deconstructing the whole concept of reviewing. It may be kinda lengthy, but I find it fascinating every time I re-read it.
Basically, every musical review should be preceded with an answer to the question: WHAT do YOU expect from the music you are actually listening to? If this is stated loud and clear, and in as many details as possible, this is a great and stable axiomatic ground for further activity.
Unless you're well known for writing hundreds of fanfic reviews, it's very difficult to figure out what a "good/bad" rating means coming from you. It might as well be an upvote/downvote, averaged in with the crowd, yes? Let's learn a little about each other, and figure out where the common ground is.
Short resume: objectivity in art assessing is only possible within a chosen subjective paradigm. Contrary to popular view, there are only a few such paradigms; the abundance of all kinds of subjective opinions has more to do with personal limitation and special social/intimate circumstances that have determined a certain person's musical taste (the "ultra-subjective factor").
This approach becomes useful no matter if your audience is a potential reader, or the author looking for critique. That's the word I try to remember, "useful." Let others read your review and figure out what values they have in common with you. Then they can decide on their own whether to listen to you or politely ignore you.
and it avoids a whole lot of pointless arguing when people understand someone is simply different, rather than "WRONG." You can't change someone's values on the internet, just tolerate em. and at the same time, it becomes much more obvious when someone's opinion has factual errors, or is heavily biased.
in short, figure out who you are, and others will understand you too. and just maybe, you'll be able to better understand the subject of your review too.
though I dunno, that's just how I try to do things. nobody asked me 
Wow, that's an excellent read. Thank you so much for directing me/us to it. He really crystallizes what I've felt in the back of my head for a while, and he does it brilliantly.
Though I must admit, I'm not too sure I share his taste in music...
4119902
haha, then you probably won't agree with my taste either
Lots of good advice here!
I think one of the safest ways to review is to stick with how the story made you feel/what you liked and didn't like, avoiding labeling the story. Like, saying "this story bored me" instead of "this is a boring story". Little things like that I think can make a big difference.
As you hinted, many people use reviews to show off, trying to look intelligent and knowledgeable. I see it all the time. This is probably the kind of review I despise the most. It takes little to no consideration for either the reader of a story or the author. It's just a self-made pedestal. I think this is where you get your "hates/dislikes everything" reviewer, because in the eyes of the general masses, snubbing your nose at everything makes you look smarter, despite the fact it's a farce.
4183324
reviewers/analysts who seem to be hyping themselves up more than the works they talk about. they write like they assume you already know everything about their tastes! building a cult of personality, so people can worship their opinions and try to be like them. those are the kinds I have no patience for. and they're everywhere.
for a positive example, even with all his infamous toilet humor, I think AVGN is a better and smarter reviewer than a lot of the "clever" review-performers I've seen. he's honest and backs up his opinions with evidence, instead of just relying on snark after every beat.
4183357
YES. EXACTLY. Ugh.
I agree, AVGN is a good reviewer who is honest, and I feel the same for the Nostalgia Critic. Their shtick is getting angry at bad games/movies and shows, but they're also not impossible to please or impress. Perhaps it's just me, but they don't strike me as...snobby, or intellectual for the sake of being intellectual. There's a lack of puffery.
4185030
hah, this was timely
4194998
Wow, it sure was. He had a lot of good points, and I agreed with basically everything he said. Some of the things I really liked were: