Floored! 6 · 3:27am Feb 10th, 2016
Floored!: How He Truly Feels
Do you enjoy reading? Do you like seeing the characters you love put through strange situations and watching how they respond? Does the thought of hindsight and time travel appeal to you? Do you secretly wish that Spike was given more love and devotion in the show, and so seek the stories that pick up the slack?
Now, a much better question: do you enjoy being insulted?
I confess that I had placed this story in my Floor shelf a long time ago (back when making these reviews was a semi-regular thing), but never got around to really sorting my thoughts on it due to end-of-year work catching up to me. Welp, yesterday I happened to browse through the collection and I came across this story, and since I don't like leaving jobs half-done, I decided to start from the beginning and see why I was so put-off by this endeavor.
IT DID NOT TAKE LONG. I promise you that. In the couple of hours it took for me to slog through 13000 of the fic's 32000 words, I had my opinion formed by the middle of the third chapter. And as I kept going through what I could stand, I came to realize that there were more problems in the fic than I originally thought. So much so that I felt insulted each time a character spoke.
There's a simple method to make a reader feel this way. And it's by MAKING ALL OF THE CHARACTERS STUPID.
But let's give the story its fair treatment, yeah? "All words are created equal" and all that. What do we have?
Beginning with a scene in Simple Ways, Rarity asks Spike how he could feel what she feels: feeling affection for somepony and not having that affection returned. This is a scene transcribed from the show, and when starting things off, that's okay. So Spike deviates from the show and into a new reaction, wherein he grows angry with Rarity for not returning his feelings toward her, and he storms off. Rarity is left feeling genuinely confused (promptly forgetting about Trenderhoof and the entire Ponyville Days event that she must organize) and wonders what prompted such a change. Enter Discord, who offers to help her because he's basically doing community service (in a paradox, might I add). With his help, Rarity travels to different points in time to see how Spike's behavior toward her was more than just friendly, and in the process Rarity discovers a few things about herself and how she feels.
I think I should get a job with writing summaries for bad stories. The one I just hashed out seems much more interesting than the story itself. But I digress: right off the bat, there are numerous problems with the story. For the sake of our collective sanity, I'll forgo mentioning the basic errors in syntax and such. Trust me, our collective sanity will be just as victimized without them. What could be so wrong that even the basics of writing seem inconsequential?
ANSWER: THE CHARACTERS.
This story tries so hard to be humorous. It tries to focus on the "rule of three", where mentioning something three times tells the reader that it's an important detail. It pulls from several episodes to progress its own plotline. It uses several characters and their reactions to drive what action there is. It keeps coming back to the current Rarity to show her reaction to whatever she has just seen. And it does all of this at the same time, causing a huge imbalance of content. We as readers don't know what's more important: the scenes from the past, the new scenes inserted into those scenes, or how Rarity the Viewer is taking all of this. Everything is everywhere, and the only way the author seems to be able to keep it all together is by MAKING EVERYONE A STUPID, DENSE FEATHER BUCKET. Stack 'em up, roll a ball at them- Strike! Ten points!
Please note how often I am yelling. At this point, it's all I can do to cope.
The author cites the "rule of three" in the second chapter, and that's when I notice how often things are said and done. Trouble is, everything follows that rule of three, bombarding the reader with all the information currently present. This also goes for Viewer Rarity's thoughts and reactions, which are all in such a state of denial that I literally found myself shouting at my computer for three minutes. In spite of Discord's aid and all that she is shown, she refuses to acknowledge anything, and instead questions everything. And she does this several times. FAR more than three!
Ever seen a troublesome child in public? Do you remember how they acted? Refusing everything they were told and instead interested only in acting out? Picture being the guardian to that child, trying your best to explain in small words why it’s a bad idea to ram a pinecone up a squirrel’s backside. And then ram that squirrel up a dog’s backside. And then trying to pet the dog with the tip of a garden spade. Gee, I WONDER what would HAPPEN, kiddo?! Oh, the dog and squirrel bit off your face? OH NO. Little bastard deserved it.
But worst of all? Worse than everything else presented and attempted? All of this stupidity, all this repetition and denial, is done in the name of humor. The story tries SO HARD to be FUNNY with how STUPID it's making EVERYONE. It takes scenes from the show, transcribes them with a little dull flair, and creates a comparison to it and the newer content that only amplifies how STUPID all of this is!
Let me...j-just let me show you something, guys.
I. CAN. RELATE.
I don't know where this idea came from. Making the characters dumber than bricks in order to force some drama? Repeating the same tired reaction for several chapters? Going so far against the grain that you end up splintering the show's own continuity? I can understand alternate universe, but this is something else, since it's relying on the show's own universe to help tell its story. There are even references to other shows tossed in - Doctor Who and Back to the Future! The story is so weak that it's falling back on references to gain a quick chuckle, yet every action has a consequence that doesn't actually carry consequence! And it's maddening! Absolutely infuriating! I can't finish the fic! I gave up on it! Screw it! I'm done with this! Someone save me, please!
Ad Nauseum
This story is done to the point that I feel physically ill. Nothing makes sense, nobody is acting right, there is absolutely no progression of any meaning, and the entire thing is on repeat worse than A Little Loopy was! At least THAT story had its own premise of a time loop to excuse it. This drivel is inexcusable. Everyone is stupid, and it's supposed to be funny? Rarity denies everything, and it's supposed to be interesting? Scenes from the show are transcribed and altered in a way that creates paradoxes, yet we're supposed to just go with it?
No. No, I reject this premise. This is too dumb on too many levels.
In a very real sense, this story feels like the first ever attempt from a new writer, one who has barely started to master the basic rules of punctuation and structure. So much effort is put into just making the scene go that no thought is put into the actual characters or conflicts. We're asked to simply look at a brand new car as it cruises down the road, while ignoring the bushes, mail boxes, and infant carriages it's running over. No amount of moving along will excuse the utter ignorance shown by everything else, and in the end we're left with a trail of destruction. Splintered wood and crying children. BUT OH, LOOK AT THAT CAR MOVE! ISN'T THAT SOMETHING?
This is not a proper fic. It is not a draft of a fic. This is just a dartboard with different story ideas put in the score zones. And wouldn't you know it? All the strips of paper have been hit so many times with busted darts that the words on them are little more than splashes of ink. The next time I read a story like this, I hope that its ideas are at least chosen via spinning wheel. At least then we stand a chance of things making just the tiniest bit of sense.
Leoshi's impression: I'm in need of serious therapy.
Best scene: Discord's ragequit in chapter six. I feel ya, man.
Worst scene: Oh, SO many to choose from! Which should I pick? They're all such CHOICE SELECTIONS!
Sin ranking: Wrath
Story overall: 0/10
Ouch. Sucks that the nearby liquor store ran out of Snickers. Heh, jk jk.
3744781 Well, I don't think I was hungry during this time. But damn did I need a drink. So yeah, I probably wasn't "me" anyway~
This is stupid.
1. We all know that's how Spike SHOULD have reacted in that episode. No one would ever just stand there and take what she said like he did without saying something. This is the reaction most fans wanted.
2. Rarity has been portrayed as a whiny idiot since the show started. It's not that far off to suggest she wouldn't get it and discord would give up.
And 3. It's fan fiction. Not a New York Times bestseller. There's going to be things construed about it but it's still better than John Green novel.