Bullying · 5:39am Jan 28th, 2016
Evening,
I was talking to Silver Trails about bullying the other day, and he asked for some advice. He was asking specifically about being a Brony, but I think I would give the same advice in other situations, too. I don't know if you'll find my letter to him useful, but if you or someone you know is going through some shit right now, I hope it can at least help a little.
Get it below. Conversation reposted with permission.
When I left my previous job, a work friend of mine gave me some great advice. We were both into fandom stuff – she goes to Comic Con every year, and she knew I liked D&D, Magic, etc. – and the last thing she said to me before I left was this: "Don't ever let anybody make you feel bad for liking what you like."
Now, in the most practical sense, that's not good advice, since we don't really control how we feel, just how we react to those feelings. However, I think there's still a lot of wisdom in it. The truth is, people are going to hurt you in your life, over and over again. Some of these people are just assholes, and while there are things you can do to deal with them (I prefer quick wit and being the bigger man – it plays remarkably well in front of a crowd), there will always be those people that want to ruin something fun. You're going to deal with them for the rest of your life, but the nice thing is this: you'll get better at dealing with them, and their tactics won't ever really change.
I don't think most people are assholes, though. I think most of them are scared. We're hard-wired as humans to want to be part of the herd, and it's remarkable (and terrifying) how far we'll go to be accepted by a group. This isn't just limited to people being mean, of course: ever given up on a ship or started liking a character more because it seemed like everyone else felt differently than you? I try to keep all of this stuff in mind, and it makes me realize that people aren't as completely malicious as they may seem. It's a lesson I've learned myself over the past several years.
See, when I first came out to my parents, their first reaction was to ask me if I'd told anyone, and they wanted to keep it a secret. They were scared. They didn't want to be different. They didn't want me to be different. But over time, they realized that it was fine. Rejecting someone over what they enjoy isn't worth losing the relationship that you have with them. The people in your life that are worth keeping will figure that out.
I realize that this might not seem to apply to you right now. School is tough, especially high school. Anyone that says otherwise is nuts. Life gets better as you get more freedom, and right now, almost everyone in your life is someone that you're forced to interact with, and they're still not fully functioning human beings, either. It's a good time to grow, though. Recognizing what's going on and telling yourself that it's going to get better will help you pull through. It certainly helped me.
But anyway, in terms of practical advice? Own it. Like what you like. You don't need to be in-your-face about it (and I think that being confrontational about it is about the worst thing you can do), but treat it like what it is: a normal hobby. That's how stigmas eventually die: it's not through an act of war, but through peaceful acceptance. As someone who went from growing up in fear of his sexuality to living in a country where people are, on the whole, fine with who I love, I know it works. It's slow, and it can be painful, but it works, and along the way, you've got a wonderful community of Bronies here on this site and living closer to you than you might think who can be there to help support you.
I'll close with a quick story. I have a coworker that was having a bad day last fall, but he didn't want to say why. This is a 40 year old guy that, by most metrics, is doing pretty well for himself. We went for a walk over lunch. He talked about how he was afraid to tell people because he thought other would judge him. I advised him that most people are actually more understanding than he was giving them credit for, and he eventually confided that he was worried about his cat, who had almost traumatically died over the weekend. It took courage for him to tell me that, and I wanted to return that honesty, so I told him something about me, too: that I was going to Nightmare Nights, a Brony convention down in Dallas. He was shocked, but in the end, he was open-minded about it, and long story short(ish), he's now watching the first season of MLP so he can read Sensation.
There are going to be some tough times for you, but you're stronger than them. I'm sorry that the world isn't better yet and you have to put up with this shit at school or at home or work or wherever it rears its ugly head, but I know you can stick it out. You'll be okay, and you have people here that are willing to listen when you need an ear. That same herd reflex that coerces us into bullying can also help us stand up for a better world, keep each other safe, and understand that we're a hell of a lot more alike than we are different.
After all, friendship is magic.
Vivid
You know... I used to get angry at the people who hate(d) on bronies. It really got under my skin, and became a pet peeve of mine. I couldn't, for the life of me, understand why people would get ridiculed because of a kids' cartoon show. As I looked deeper, and listened to some of the stories, I became infuriated. A child who had been bullied into suicide, ending up in a coma. Others being threatened with violence, if not having violence inflicted upon them. A group of individuals who actually banded together to tear down, mock, insult, and make light of the fans of this show, as well as their sufferings and those of their families.
These people made me sick. They made me want to... *sigh*. It's probably best I don't finish that thought.
I used to get angry. I used to see these individuals as sub-human. But then I realized something. As much as they anger me, as much as they target this fandom, they are still people. They criticize what they don't understand, they insult what they don't like, and they attack what they fear.
And so do we.
We, and that includes them, are people. To quote a line from Collin Raye's song Not That Different,
"I laugh, I love, I hope, I try,
I hurt, I need, I fear, I cry.
And I know you do the same things too.
So we're really not that different, me and you."
Haven't all of us, and some point, been afraid of something, or even just disliked it, just because it was different? Before we go about pointing our individual and collective fingers at the ones we consider to be in the wrong, perhaps we should pause, and remember that they are not so different from us.
Am I justifying what they do? No. But neither am I justifying our actions if, and when, we respond the same way they attack.
The actions of these people used to infuriate me. And to this day, I still seethe when I hear new stories or the re-telling of old ones. Few people don't get mad when they believe that some form of injustice has been done. But that anger doesn't have the grip around my heart it used to. I listen, and feel sadness for all those involved, both the victim(s) and the attacker(s). Are they not people? Are they not human? For them to do as they do, there must be pain in their hearts.
After all, isn't the easiest, quickest response to pain to lash out?
-Ru
I think the most important thing to recognize is getting upset is not something other people ultimately do to you, but something you do to yourself. You are in control of your emotions, if you let yourself be, and the best thing to do is to keep calm. Generally speaking, most negative emotions aren't particularly useful for dealing with people being jerks, because they often want to get a rise out of you.