A Rage Retrospective: My First Review

Greetings my good ladies and gentlemen. It is my hope, on this thoroughly miserable November evening, beset with that which Manchester produces most, endless soaking drizzle, that I find you all in good health. As I put the kettle on for a nice mug of tea, it occurred to me that it is one month to the day when I published my very first Rage Review. While memories of it are still fresh, I felt it wise to look back upon it.

Therefore, I shall post it here, with critique, annotations and commentary, so that I and others might learn from it: where I did well, where I did not so well and where I flat out cocked up. I hope this shall be entertaining and instructive, particularly for any who wish to write reviews themselves.

Perhaps the first point of interest to discuss, before we move on to the review proper, is what some might feel is a rather surprising fact: the fact that I was permitted to publish it all.

Please allow me to explain to anyone outside the Rage admin team, who will will well know all of this: the draft that was sent for exam was beset with errors. Typos, errors in formatting, and, above all, huge unwieldy quotes.

Some of this is inexcusable on my part; I got excited that it was 'done' and sent it off prematurely, before I had done sufficient checks. Any who wish to go for that exam: do not make this mistake. Hold fire. Leave it a day, and reread it in the cold light of morning. You will see many of the problems, and you will be able to send a better, more polished product.

Some of it was not my fault, but a consequence of teething trouble with transering and posting documents on my part. That review, and indeed everything I have done on this site thus far, was done on a ten inch android tablet. Writing was, and is, a slow process, but I'm a miserably slow typer in any event, so it was not actually as bad for me as some might have found it. Where the real problems came was in getting the thing to Elric of Melnipony for the exam.

It did not help that, at that time, I was still not familiar with the codes the site uses. So the text had to be copy pasted, then reformatted, then all the pics had to added. As it was a PM, I could not use the preview function.

The result was a mess: the pics were not centralised and were in the wrong order, there were typos galore, and it was beset with formatting errors. Furthermore, poor Elric must have had a splendid time getting it from the PM to the admin group.

Heaven knows what the admin team made of it, but they must at least have liked the content; I was given the go ahead and told to make corrections before posting.

I shall discuss that later; I have bored you all long enough. On to the review. Of a review:

Greetings, my good ladies and gentlemen, I hope to find you well. I am A British Gentleman. The time has come, I feel, for my first review. Given this is something of an occasion for me, I have selected a special fic. One which combines many different flavours and varieties of bullshit; a multi course excrement feast, if you will. Time is money, as they say, so let's get cracking.

I remain reasonably happy with this introduction. Looking back at it, some of the wording is a little clunky; for example, I should have worded it: "a multi course feast of excrement," but over all, serviceable: it introduced me, set the scene for the review and didn't overstay it's welcome. Onwards with the review:

The focus of today's review will be: Your Human and You: libertatem, by Spartan889. Oh dear. We're only at the title and already we have a capitalization error. Not a good sign, that. The title of a fic is the likely the very first thing potential readers will see. It needs to be perfect; an error here speaks very poorly of the attention to detail and effort spent on this fic.

Now, looking at this title I expect two things: the fic will be set in the Your Human and You (YHaY) universe, and it will be a Warhammer 40000 crossover.

The crossover tag is indeed present, and it is joined by Gore, Dark, AU, Human and Anthro. A dark, gory warhammer crossover with humans? Urgh. This is going to be a kill all ponies fic isn't it?

Yes.

Yes it is.

We have reached the first of the pictures. These are fun for the reviewer, fun for the reader, and above all, necessary: without them, the review risks becoming an impenetrable wall of text; one of the things we criticise fics for.

Care must be taken, however. That pic that looked great in Google images might not fit in the cold light of the next day. Pics, due to their sorce websites, have a nasty habit of shrinking. In this review, I was a little green in this regard; to my horror, several of my once beautiful pics became tiny and pitiful things.

Any who wish to write a review themselves: be wary of this. Harvest pics from old reviews if you must. Nobody will likely mind, and it will save you a nasty discovery or two.

Back to the review:

But what's this? The anthro tag? The title of this story, if you will: 'Your Human and You: libertatem'. Note the first bit. Before we proceed, I feel it would be best to provide a brief introduction to the AU this fic is allegedly set in, for the benefit of readers who are unfamiliar with it.

First, humans in this setting are well known and commonplace in Equestria. Second, the humans, with sole exception of the protagonist, are non sapient animals. They have about the same intelligence as a middlingly bright dog, and are commonly kept as pets by the ponies. Which brings us back to the anthro tag: there are no anthros in YHaY.

Author, if you wish to set your fic in a pre existing AU, that's fine. It would be polite to ask for the permission of the original author, but you don't have to. What you do have to do is follow the canon of that setting; if you don't, people will call you out on your bullshit. Believe me, this is going to come up a lot before this review is done.

Here, I directly address the author. That is permitted, but one must be wary: rage should be toned down, words selected carefully and, above all, no insult made. This is another part where a cool down time will aid you: you will see clearly, and can reword this if it is to aggressive or insulting.

Additionally, these should be employed sparingly; I did this once too often in this review. Onward:

Let's take a look at that description:

We thought it was going to a normal day in Comic Con but the universe has other plans for us like sending us into a girls show full of anthropomorphic ponies. To make it worse, they use humans for Labor, pets, money and sex!!!

Well let me tell you this ponies! I DECLARE EXTERMINATUS ON YOU SLAVERS!!!

May God be merciful on your souls slaver scum.

Accompanying this is a cover fic of a bunch of Space Marines. No ponies, of course. Couldn't have that. Two words stand out above all else: Comic Con. Yes, this is a Displaced fic. A hideous and wretched blight on the servers of fimfiction, Displaced is the last word on bone idle lazy crossover writing. I have discussed the matter at length with Elric of Melnipony; a fascinating blog on the topic by him may be found here.

I could probably have made more of the cover pic: like many crossovers, the pic here had nothing whatsoever to do with ponies. This activity puts off a lot of readers, bar those particularly interested in the thing being crossed over. I corrected that for my next review.

At this point I made what some might consider my first real error of judgement:

"A hideous and wretched blight on the servers of fimfiction, Displaced is the last word on bone idle lazy crossover writing."

I stand by these words; indeed, I could have said far worse. But they were inflammatory: it is this which first really aggravated several members of the Displaced group, and likely contributed to a lot of the arguments in the comments section.

The arguments would have occurred regardless, but my language here did not help. Let us continue:

Looking beyond that, we see:

1) Poor grammar
2) Missing punctuation.
3) ALL CAPS.
4) Multiple exclamation marks.
5) Blatant misrepresentation of YHaY canon.

I feel inclined to deal with this:

Well let me tell you this ponies! I DECLARE EXTERMINATUS ON YOU SLAVERS!!!

This is, or so the title would have us believe, a YHaY fic. Unless definitions have changed radically since last I checked, one cannot enslave a non sapient animal. The ponies of YHaY (whatever other faults they have) are no more guilty of enslaving humans than I am of enslaving my pet labrador. I don't even like YHaY, yet this fic has me offended on it's behalf.

I'm not yet on the first chapter, and I'm already seeing half a dozen red flags. Things are looking bad for this fic. They really are.

Chapter One

First, an author's note:

This story is non-cannon to the Your Human and You. I REPEAT, NON-CANNON! To those who haven't read it, go check it out. And to avoid misunderstanding, the humans in this universe are Intelligent.

I suspect this came about after other readers and I called him out on this in the comments. This begs a rather critical question: if the first thing you're going to do with the pre existing AU you're setting your fic in is jettison it's most important and central feature, then what exactly is the point setting it there in the first place? This isn't a YHaY fic, author. Please stop calling it one, and adjust the title accordingly.

Following that, we have a list of names, each with a 'costume' that the (and I use the term in the loosest possible sense) 'characters' are supposedly wearing as their cosplay. These are images I assume were copy pasted from a Warhammer wiki. All this still in the author's note. As far as description and characterisation goes, that's your lot.

This was, perhaps, a missed opportunity: I should have shown the readers a sample of the pics and the very brief 'characterisation'; that way, they would have been in no doubt about how bad it was. They would have seen for themselves.

We live and learn.

Of course, we wouldn't want anything as crass and puerile as complex multifaceted characters with real individuality to get in the way of the important business of space marines killing ponies. Heaven forfend!

Let's move on.

We begin with a fantastically, phenomenally bone idle nod to the whole displaced thing:

I remember the merchant said something about sending me and my friends to some place called Equestria.

That's about your lot. It's space marines all the way from here. Author, if you must insist on using Displaced, use Displaced. The whole build up to the con thing? That would have been a perfect opportunity to introduce your audience to your protagonist. We could get to know him as a person, see his hopes and dreams, his personality. If we're really lucky, we might even have got a basic description. You know, that thing you do in written prose rather than lazily put in space marine images? Can't have that of course. It would get in the way of space marines killing ponies. I shudder at the very idea.

Here, I had a planned running a joke: I would reference the many things that were sacrificed for the fantasy this fic wished to play out: being a space marine, and killing ponies. Looking back now, I am unsure if I took this to far, or stopped at the right point. I am reasonably happy with it, but others may differ. Oh well.

Still, it illustrates a good point: when doing something like this in a review, be careful not to go too far, and become repetitive and boring.

Carry on:

And, of course, the characters having personalities of their own might prevent the target audience of this fic inserting themselves into the blank spaces where characters should be, so they can pretend that they themselves are space marines killing ponies. Can't have that either.

We proceed with a vision of the injustices committed against the humans, delivered, naturally, in the laziest possible manner; it's simply transmitted directly into the character's heads:

All of the sudden, I started screaming in pain as if my head was about to explode. Soon I started seeing images of humans in rag clothing. Even chained and kept in cells. Man, womenand children sold in markets by colourful anthropomorphic equines. The pain worsens as more images appeared, showing families torn apart as mothers cried for their child been taken away from them while fathers were brutally beaten or killed.

Another image shows a group of children cleaning what looks like a barracks. One of them accidentally drop a pile of golden helmets. One of the guards nearby started beating the child over some helmets!

My blood started to boil in anger as one the images shows the equines in golden armor executing a human for protecting a filly from wolves made of wood.

Oh my, will you look at this, my good ladies and gentlemen. Not only do we have universally evil slaver ponies, they are also stupid in their evil! Executing a little girl for rescuing a filly? Really? This is just a transparent, lazy, lazy attempt to set up all ponies as irredeemably evil, in the shortest amount of space and with the minimum of effort. It's the sheer laziness that sets this fic apart, even by the standards of Displaced fics.

This last paragraph was almost fully rewritten for the final draft as opposed to the exam version. I prefer it in it's current form. Again, this shows the value of leaving your work and coming back to it: you will make changes for the better, and a better product will result.

"But what about the canon characterisation of all the ponies in the AU this is allegedly set in and in the show itself"? I here you ask. What's that, after all? Something that will get in way of space marines killing ponies, that's what. Begone with the lot of it!

I've seen more nuance and subtlety from rampaging bull elephants with terminal tooth ache.

The state of humanity in Equestria established, we have several paragraphs of our 'heroes', non-characters to a man, awakening, discovering themselves to be space marines in full combat armor, and being shocked, surprised and blown away by their predicament:

“I’m up now. No need to slap me.” Josh said and readjust his helmet. “Is it me or are we real Space Marines now?”

“Yes Josh, we’re real Space Marines now.” I said.

“Woot!”

“C’mon people, we still got to wake the rest up.” I said and make my way Ben who is a Apothecary.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, this was another golden opportunity to give that whole characterisation and character development thing the old college try. We could have seen their fear at their predicament, we could have gotten to know them and care for them as they came to terms with what had happened to them. You know, things that would make them seem human. None of that, naturally. Why? Well, I think you get it by now.

Another note on this section of the fic; do you love and adore lists of Warhammer weapons and terminology? I hope so, because there's a bunch of it here. Of course, no concessions are made for anyone who is unfamiliar with Warhammer. Author, a note: this is an MLP fan site. The users can be assumed to know MLP and nothing else. Write your fics accordingly.

The merry band of bland, having sorted themselves out, now get a note:

Dear Space Marines/ Adeptus Astartes

I hope you have receive this package that I sent to help you and your battle brothers crusade in liberating the humans race here from slavery. I’m very sure you saw those images upon your arrival. Anyway the backpack you have is both for storing ammo, equipment, misc and weapons and supplying you medical attention, repairs your armor by nanobots, ammo and extra sets of organs. If you're looking for the nearest village, just head west but it's a one-hour walk. I wish you all good luck in your crusade.

This is a section where real improvements are possible. In the fic, as well as a note, the characters where given a host of supplies. I should have made more of this in my review. Fortunately, this was corrected by some splendid commentary from a member with some knowledge of Warhammer.

We continue:

A few points here: first, the fic has more or less abandoned all pretences now that these are anything other than space marines. There was little point in going Displaced; this might as well just be a straight crossover. A cynical man or woman, not I, of course, would put forward the theory that being a displaced fic gets it a bunch more likes and views than it might otherwise receive. I am sure fine and well mannered ladies and gentlemen such as ourselves would never suggest such a thing.

The second point is that we have more contrived laziness. The narrative is literally dropping supplies and directions out of nowhere for benefit of it's 'characters'! I am honestly amazed. Parenthetically, you'll note I'm not naming the alleged characters. There is no point, they are completely interchangeable, and I refuse to justify them with actual names.

Again, this paragraph was partially rewritten, and again, it is superior in it's current state.

The time has come for our collection of images with random attached names to meet (read: kill) the ponies! Doesn't this promise to be fun ladies and gentlemen. I know I am excited.

We arrive to the entrance of the town which is called ‘Ponyville’ on a nearby sign. Soon the locals takes notice of us and runs away in fear while others entered their homes and locks the doors.

In an instant we were surrounded by winged equines in a clad of golden armor. They were equipped with spears, swords and crossbows. Soon another group of guards enters the scene this time, this group of equines had horns while the others behind them had no horns nor wings.

The rest of us readied our weapons for a upcoming fight. But before I could give the signal, a white flash appears with a popping sound and reveals a lavender winged-unicorn wearing a royal purple dress and a fancy tiara which has a large star on it.

“Stay where you are strangers, by the Equestrian law, you are to identify yourself this instant or force will be taken.” The lavender winged-unicorn equine demanded.

I would love to say I'm surprised that it's Ponyville they go to, but I doubt the universe could withstand the utterance of such a titanic untruth. Naturally, Ponyville is swarming with royal guards. The optimist in me would like to see if anyone wants to take bets on wherever or not they are just there to be cannon fodder for the self inserts, but I doubt anybody is that daft.

Twilight is there. Canon Twilight doesn't have guards, she doesn't wear her crown much, she doesn't immediately threaten force and she tends to wear fancy dresses only when attending fancy dress appropriate functions. This Twilight bares no real resemblance to canon Twilight, or YHaY Twilight, at at. She's just as stupidly evil as everypony else. Of course, if she was even remotely in character, it would get in the way of space marines killing ponies. Which they will, imminently, after a little OOC stupidly from Twilight:

Looking back at it, this paragraph is a little poorly worded. A rewrite might have been to the good here. In the original version, I called the not Twilight in this fic "stupid evil," in reference to the trope.

I intended to include that link. When I received feed back, it became apparent that the link did not survive the transfer, and it was mistaken for an error, so I reworded. Perhaps I should have included it; stupid evil is a good theme for this fic.

Let us return to the review:

"Anyway I'm sure you and friends must be new here right?" Twilight asked.

"Yes we are new here, Me and my friends are simple travelers looking for supplies." I lied

“Oh but let give you a tour around the town.” Twilight said.
“As you wish Princess.” I said and followed Twilight with the others.
“You sure this is a good idea Leon?” Greg whispered.

I will remind you; these guys are a group of enormous, bulky, heavily armored (in alien armor) giants, covered with images of skulls and death, all of whom are armed to the teeth with advanced alien weaponry. They clearly mean well.

Another paragraph that got included in the second draft, and the review is better for it; it is a good point. This came about from constructive criticism from Elric concerning an over large quote. A lesson for writers here: heed your critics. A better product will result.

First Twilight aggressively confronts them with not a thought to who might be harmed if it turns ugly, now she's happily chatting away like they're her new best friends after one lie so transparent it would struggle to fool a five year old. Then we get this:

Like the previous paragraph, this was second draft. In the place of one huge, unwieldy quote, I put several smaller quotes, and more commentary, and, if I may say so, good commentary at that. The joys of constructive criticism.

“And here is our auction house where we sell Humans.” Twilight said getting my full attention.

I notice a unicorn wearing business suit selling a group of chained humans.

“Come and get your humans for 35 bits!” The slaver announced to the crowd.

I thought the population had fled at the sight of the space marine images before Twilight confronted them? That was one of the few things so far that made any sense! Have they all come back out off screen so they can be in the right place to be stupid and evil? Looks that way.

Let's not worry about lazy, contrived stupidity, it's time for the moment we've all been waiting for! Space marines killing ponies!

My blood started to boil in anger as I see mother protecting her child from another slaver who attempted to snatch the child away. Before I could do anything, a loud crack echoed through the air and see a large gaping hole on the slaver’s chest as he falls to the ground dead.

DAKKA!

I turn to my left and see Josh with his Bolter raised and it’s barrel smoking. Without a second thought the rest of my team makes their way towards the stage as Greg breaks one of the cages containing a couple of humans.

And now we are at the meat of it: the self insertion facilitators have begun the slaughter in earnest. Joy.

I know i just mentioned it, but I find myself genuinely angry at this casual butchery of Twilight's character. She's the idiotic bad guy, so these not-people can kill ponies. Every single scrap of canon has been tossed aside for this. We move on to chapter two. Three guesses as to how it will go, and the first two don't count.

Chapter Two

The chapter begins with the walking space marine armor images proceeding where they left off:

Before the guard could hit me with his spear, Ben aims his Bolt pistol and shot the guard in the face thus sending bits of brain matter everywhere. Soon the rest of the guards snap out of their trance and charge at me.

I quickly don my helmet on then grab my Power Swords and charge at the guards with a loud war cry.

“Strike from the skies brother!” I yelled over the comms and John nods and takes off into the air. Once John was at his desired height, he soon falls to the ground and crash into the earth as those who caught were nothing but paste as John recovers from his drop and starts swinging his Power axe scoring kills each time he swings his axe.

Of course he does. "Scoring kills", like he's just playing a game of Dynasty Warriors. It's not like he and the rest are just everyday people who got dumped in the middle of Equestria with armor and weapons they should have no idea how to use. No, they are all fucking experts with their weapons, because anything else would interrupt the naked, unvarnished power fantasy this so transparently is.

Another rewritten paragraph. I may have gone on about this a bit, but the improvements that can come from so simple a thing as a few pointers, as well as a good look back the next day cannot be overstated.

Looking back at this, I should perhaps have called out the errors in grammar a little more that I did, but I was concerned that that would rapidly become boring. Getting the balance right on this remains a weakness of my reviews.

are at the whole point of this worthless waste of server space now. Brains are flying, blood is shed and of course it's all spilt on the pony side. It would be out of order to spoil the fantasy by have actual harm come to the self inserts.

I've hammered this home a lot, but the protagonists don't have even the most rudimentary resemblance to actual human beings. Not one of them desplays any sign that they might be shocked and horrified when faced with the reality of bloodshed.There is no pause, no thought for their situation. They all just start killing away with not a care in the world.

This was another chance to give some semblance of character, some moment of reflection on how they are risking their lives, on how innocent ponies might die, on how they feel about taking life. But there are no innocent ponies; they are all evil. There is no possibility of artistic merit here.

More action happens. Guards are killed. Slaves, just as devoid of character as everything else here, are freed and then we have this:

While I continue my slaughter on the guards with Josh, John and Kevin. Before I could strike another guard, a beam of magic hits me in the face causing me to stumble for a moment. Once I recovered, I see Twilight in some sort of armor or outfit.

This was another missed opportunity. I should have made more of just how powerless the ponies are here compared to the self inserts. If we treat the ponies as antagonists, as the fic intended, then this is death to any dramatic tension there might be. Of course, the fic doesn't want dramatic tension; it's a power fantasy. But still, I should have made it clearer.

Were you hoping for a description of this fully dressed anthro Twilight? Too bad, you're getting another image. Same for all of the Mane Six. The laziness here continues to astound me. Even by the standards of displaced, this is not acceptable.

A wild Luna appears:

“That was weird.” I said and look at the unconscious form of Twilight. Before I could do anything, I saw a dark blue beam which miss me by an inch. I turn to the source and see another equine much like Twilight but dark blue, her starry mane was flowing like water as if a non-existent wind was blowing it and she was wearing some sort of ridiculous armor I ever seen in my life. Like seriously who uses cloth to protect their torso and leaves the shoulder unguarded. Only her arms and legs were protected with metal. But the most notable thing about her is that the fact she’s carrying Greatsword which is nearly twice her size.

I'm amazed. An actual description of a character. There's a pic, of course, but this is still progress. I'll take what I can get at this juncture.

Luna and a sheet of cardboard have a scrap, complete with a sorry attempt at Early Modern English that would grate against the nerves of even the most tolerant reader. More members of the Mane Six show up. Got to let the readers pretend they are fighting someone worthwhile after all:

“Tis is good to see you Lady Rainbow Dash. You too lady Rarity.” Luna said with a smile.

“Thanks Princess and we’re here to teach this dirty human a lesson. Ain’t that right Rarity?” Rainbow Dash said.

“Normally I hate fighting but if anyone terrorizes this town is gonna get it from me!” Rarity said and throws several crystal shards at me which breaks apart on contact.

I just simply stared at Rarity for a few moments until I hear a distant war cry and look up only to see John descending from the air with a Thunder Hammer in his left hand and his shield on his right.

“Death comes to the enemy!” John cried and slams his hammer on to the ground sending Rarity and Rainbow Dash to a wooden cart. “I shall smash that xeno. No mercy.”

Of course, the Mane Six are all completely out of character. I can't tell you how shocked I was to discover that.

Remember what I said about these being undiluted space marines with no human characteristics at all? You'll note that they are now shouting Warhammer terms like 'xeno' even as they are engaged in a life or death struggle. Nothing is happening that could pass for the response of a normal human being. This is all for the sake of the wish fulfilment fantasy; that's all this is. I'll say it again: there is nothing resembling artistic merit to be found here.

This is another part that I might alter, with the benefit of hindsight. I repeated myself on the lack of artistic merit perhaps once to often, and it did not have the benefit of being a running joke.

Things have been bad thus far, I don't doubt it. But this fic is about to show us it has another level. New and previously undreamt of depts of sewage are about to be plumbed. This is a long quote; I've broken it into chunks, but bear with me. Enter Spike:

“I’m gonna do a scan on you for your sake man.” Ben said and scans Spikes body with his Diagnostor helmet Within a few seconds Ben finishes his medical scan on Spike. “Well I have good news and bad news for you Spike.”

“Good news?”

“Your spinal or should I say backbone is still intact.” Ben said.
“Bad news?” Spike asked worriedly.

“Bad news,” Ben sighs before continuing. “your backbone is showing signs of damage which could have make you paralyse for good but my scans shows some sort of crystalized filling which is growing within the cracks and is somehow supporting your spine intact. Tell me Spike, what do you eat everyday?”

Why are they having a friendly chat? Why has the image copy pasted from a Warhammer wiki not just killed Spike on sight?

“I usually eat gems and crystals. Why?”

“Well, I theorized that the gems you eat is creating some sort of healing factor for your bone injuries. Anyway back to what I was saying about bad news, There are multiple holes in your nervous systems. Have you taken part in any acupuncture?” Ben asked in concern.

“No.”

“Than somebody use you as pin cushion or a test dummy for some sick experiment.” Ben concluded.

This isn't going where I think it is, is it. Please, fic, have mercy. We have suffered through enough bullshit already.

“Well I did volunteered to be Rarity’s pin cushion when comes to her dresses.” Spike explained.

“That's was a reckless thing you did Spike. Also did your caretaker send you to any medical checkups when you volunteered yourself as a pin cushion?”

“Not really.” Spike answered.

“And may I ask your caretaker’s name?”

“Twilight Sparkle.”

“Wait, is Twilight Sparkle that purple unicorn that has wings?” Ben asked.

“Alicorn and yes. She’s my caretaker.”

Yes. This is a thing that is happening now. Neglectful Twilight. Of course. Why the fuck not.

“Looks like I’m going to give her another beat down.” Ben muttered.
“What was that?” Spike asked.

“Nothing.” Ben lied “Anyway back to the subject, I need to perform surgery on your spine in order to fix the cracks and your nervous system.”

Oh of course. This guy is a trained Doctor, who can perform surgery on alien life forms. In the middle of a battle.

This knowledge must have been beamed into his head off screen along with all the combat training and expertise these ordinary convention goers apparently have.

“Is it going to hurt?” Spike asked worriedly.

“No because I’m going to use a heavy sedative to put you in deep sleep.” Ben said. “But unfortunately I don’t have the necessary resources to perform the surgery.”

“Oh.”

“And by the way Spike, I can tell that you're feeling depress.” Ben said.

Spike looks at Ben with shock written across his face and sighs a bit.
“How did you know?” Spike asked.

“When live in an orphanage full of depress people, it's pretty easy tell the signs of depression.” Ben said. “You can tell me young Spike. I
have time.”

“Well this is going to take a while.”

The grammar! It hurts! It hurts us precious!

(10 minutes later…)

“I’ve done everything for them and they yet still ignore me! The only pony who still cares for me is Fluttershy! Other than that, I don’t think the rest even appreciate what I’ve done for them. I’m nothing but a weak little dragon.” Spike said through sobs.

Ben looks at Spike’s crying form with pity and hugs him.

“No child should go through this. What they did to you shall pay well except for Fluttershy of course. And you’re not a weak baby dragon.” Ben said.

And scene.

This was originally one long quote. Clearly, far too long. As with last time, it was broken up as a result of constructive criticism. This was a lesson well learned: I'm now quite careful about quote sizes.

Brilliant! Just bloody brilliant! Fan-fucking-tastic! Why the fuck not? If you're going to have Displaced, and you're going to kill all ponies with space marines, and you're going to shit on canon characterisation and someone else's AU, then why not throw in an abused Spike who secretly hates and resents the ponies? All the old standbys are here: Twilight neglects and abuses him, Rarity mutilates and slave drives him. Nopony loves him, everypony hates him, he might as well go and eat worms all day. And of course, he opened up to the giant lunatic in alien armor.

As you do.

Also, one guess who the author's favourite pony is? I stand corrected: kill all ponies, except Fluttershy, because the author apparently likes her.

Questions: how is Spike less of a slaver than anyone else, by the 'logic' of this fic? Why does the murderous printed paper immediately take to him when every other character is canon fodder? Why is Spike having a casual chit chat with one of the guys who are killing everyone around him? I think we all know the answers.

Moving on, moving on...

We have more battles in which the kings of Pointland kick around main characters. Or at least comically OOC caricatures that bear a very, very vague resemblance to them:

The kings of Pointland was another addition in the second draft after a conversation about Flatland with Elric. I wonder how many people got the reference.

“Than so be it Luna because I will avenge those you’ve have wrong and killed.” I said. Luna throws her right fist at me but I grab her fist and twisted it creating a sickening crack making Luna cry out of pain and falls to the ground clutching her broken arm in pain. I slowly made my way towards Luna and place my armored boot on her chest. I apply some pressure on her chest causing Luna to scream in pain she squirms around as I apply more pressure on her chest and see Luna squirming body go limp. I raise my Power Sword high and was about to execute Luna, a purple beam hits my sword thus knocking it off and lands right next to Kevin who notices it and picks the sword up with his mechanical arms.

I turn around and faced Twilight Sparkle. Before I could do anything, a bright purple beam engulfs my entire body thus causing me to fall on one knee. Soon my armor starts to groan as it was unable to withstand the the beam for a few more seconds.

“The Emperor PROTECTS!” My eyes starts to glow bright blue as electricity forms around my hand. Without a second thought, I release the excess electrical energy right at Twilight as it easily cuts through the magic beam and hits Twilight square on the chest and causing her to scream as volts of electricity flowed through her body rendering her paralyzed.

Again, this is something I should have made more of: the author is pulling new powers out of nowhere for his characters as and when needed. Itbis of note that he chooses to have his self insert completely overpower Twilight, in what is essentially a contest of magic. It was bad form, and I should have analysed it further.

More OOC, more Warhammer nonsense, more bullshit lazily pulled out of the author's rectum, more horrible grammar. I'm not going to go on too much: it's all the same problems. We are near the end now. The fic has one last splat of diarrhea before it's done:

“Go I’ll hold them off.” I said.

“And how are you going to do that?” John asked.

“By bringing this bridge down. Now go!” I said and draw out my Force staff.

John nods at my command and joins the others. I look back at where the ponies are and see a mob of guards charging right at me. Soon my eyes again glowed blue as I spoke in a deep voice.

“You shall not.” I raise my staff in the air. “PASS!” I slam my Force staff on the ground thus sending a shockwave knocking the guards off their feet. Before the guards could recover, cracks started to form on the opposite side and collapses as those who were on the bridge fell to their deaths.

I make a mad dash to the other side as the bridge behind me crumbles apart. But my path in front of me breaks apart leaving a large gap. Without thinking I make a giant leap across the gap and barely made it.

I believe this is final confirmation that nothing is sacred. At least a movie reference (I doubt the author has read the book) shows a 'character' displaying a sliver of not being all cliché space marine, even if it is just for the sake of the fantasy. This is what passes for characterisation here. Movie references.

Originally, I briefly talked about a second movie reference: the author recreated the scene from the end of the Avengers where the Hulk smashes Loki repeatedly into the floor, with himself as the Hulk and Twilight as Loki. I removed it, because it was essentially the same criticism, repeated. In retrospect, I should have kept it in.

Well, it's done. How do I feel about it? Not happy, to be honest. One might go so far as to say I'm miffed. Put out. But I must conclude.

When I commented on this fic, I called it a triumvirate of bullshit. I was being kind. I've not mentioned it much, but the grammar here is awful. It fails as a story, because it's completely predictable how it's going to go. The characterisation is too dreadful to speak of. The abuse of the YHaY AU is inexcusable. Canon has been nuked altogether, and that AU tag provides no shield. This is a mechanism for people to fantasise about being space marines and killing ponies. Nothing more. I say for the last time: there is nothing of value here.

Medals and rating

Stupidly evil slaver ponies who exist to be slaughtered by space marines.

It's a Displaced fic.

This is not the author's first Displaced fic.

There is nothing good here. There is nothing of value. It has been a long time since a fic rubbed me the wrong way to the extent this one did.

And that's the end. I will say that the final words could have used work: I repeated my point of nothing being of value, and could have stood to have elaborated more on the medals.

Over all, though, I am quite proud of this review. It is far superior to what might have been. Always remember to look at your work again, with the benefit of other opinions, and in the cold light of morning.