Talk me out of this · 3:05am Nov 8th, 2015
Today I found myself considering something I never thought I would, which I won't conceal much longer for fear of you getting the wrong idea. I'm considering giving up on this fandom.
What I mean by that is that everything I used to do to actively participate in this fandom seems to have lost its meaning for me. While I enjoy the show as a piece of animation and writing with characters that I relate to, it isn't something that I follow for the thrill of seeing what will happen this week, like I did with shows like Avatar The Last Airbender, How I Met Your Mother, or Doctor Who. In the beginning I needed something lighthearted and adorable that I could enjoy to distract me from the cold heartlessness of the world around me, or so I thought. See, when I first got into the fandom, I was in a state of depression, and Pinkie Pie's antics helped lift me out of that, with a little help from some friends.
But that's the thing, it's the friends I've made because of this show that have made it such an enjoyable experience for me. It's the community. It's why I go to conventions, write fan fictions, chat on image forums, discuss episodes. I love the community that comes from fandoms. We don't need to talk about the show, but it exists as a medium through which we can build our friendship, a common ground to lay the foundation in.
And from there it can grow. Most of the bronies I talk to nowadays only avatar as a pony, if they even do that. Our conversations rarely converge around the show, except on saturdays, which is the sole reason I still watch the show on saturday mornings. It doesn't hold my attention the way it used to, but it provides a topic of discussion for analysis, which is something I enjoy.
However, recently, my friendships have begun falling apart. I have several skype chats I never talk in because I don't bother to keep up with them. Most of the threads I used to post in are either dead or don't want me anymore. The community responsible for ushering me into this fandom and helping to hone my writing ability has completely broken up, and I don't see any of them anymore.
On top of that, I'm actually starting to hate the show itself. I'm beyond the point where I enjoy fanon more than canon. I read Fanfics a lot, and begin to accept them as my head canon. But the show lately seems to fall flat for me, and especially with the latest episode, I just don't like where it's going.
I try to relax, and forget the idea that I have few friends left, by doing the one thing I have always found relaxing: writing. I love the idea of writing fiction, creating a story and painting a picture with words for others to enjoy. But I'm falling out of that lately too. It's National Novel Writing Month again, which only serves to remind me how little I actually get done for all my efforts. I've reached a stalemate where I am never happy with the quality of my work, and end up writing nothing, or else view a project as too difficult, and abandon it. I stick around because I want to finish all the stories I started, but I've given up on making that happen within the next century.
Hell, I even moderate a damn website related to this show that I don't even enjoy! They don't even need me. I do literally nothing. My insight is often ignored, there are never any reports to deal with because the others always get to it first, and the direction the site is headed conflicts with... something inside me so I just sit by and offer support to my friend because he asked me to do this for him. I could honestly leave and they wouldn't notice.
I've honestly begun to hate myself, because most of these issues are my fault. The reason my friendships are falling apart and my friends don't want me around is because I've been very irritable lately and lashed out at people important to me. I've pushed a few people just a little too far, and everyone involved suffered for it. I'm not sure I even know how to compliment someone anymore. I just find things wrong with them and toss tact to the wayside as I bluntly point out everything that could be fixed. I've done this to myself, and I hate it.
So there you have it. I hate the show, I hate writing, I hate myself, and my friends hate me, and all of it seems to be centered around MLP:FiM. So, with no reason to stay, I'm honestly not sure how much longer I'll be here. And I'm only making this announcement as a method for collecting and organizing my thoughts, as I find writing them down to be very therapeutic.
There, I feel better, and I still don't want to be here.
For the record, I like you and think you're a cool person. Anyway, I'm sorry to hear you're feeling that way about yourself. I do understand why the show may not appeal to you anymore. I almost left the fandom twice in Season 4, but I stuck around and have enjoyed most of Season 5, but I will confess that I didn't like today's episode. And if the rumors about the Season 5 finale are true, I may end up not liking that as well. And in a way, as much as I liked most of Season 5, Seasons 1 and 2 will likely remain my favorites. Not because of nostalgia or anything, but there was something about them which drew me in more. While all of the seasons have their highs and lows, it was the first two seasons that made me so curious about the world and wanting to know more, even if the answers to old questions were revealed.
Anyway, I'll conclude by mentioning that I know how it can feel. Believe me, I've had a rough experience as well. And I did read your comment on my blog post and appreciated the advice. Sorry for not having replied to it yet.
No matter where you go from here regarding the fandom, I wish you all the best and hope things improve for you.
This reply need not be answered if you do not wish to. It is here only because it needs to be. You aren't alone, and you aren't entirely friendless either. You do have a friend that cares. Because he understand just how cruel and cold this world is, but he does not give up on it. His determination is just too strong for that.
Everything changes. What was once something you enjoy grows old and maybe even irksome; friends you had made move on and forget or are subsequently forgotten by you; the world seems just that bit colder, darker, and alien the longer you are on it. Human nature is like that. We like to think of ourselves as creatures that can adapt, cope, even thrive with change—and to a certain degree, we do have that capability—but the real truth is that we do not like change. We do not seek it, nor do we welcome it. We do all we can to try and avoid it, or at the very least delay it.
The above is a truth I've personally have come to realize is constant. It has existed as long as we have walked on this earth, and will continue to exist long after we are dead and gone. It is something that has happened to me as well. It continues to happen on a daily basis. I have watched the hands of the clock move faster and faster with every passing day, and every time those hands turn, something I once held dear vanishes. Gone are friends I once cherished. Gone are groups I once considered to be robust, strong. Gone are ideas that seemed so solid and everlasting at the time.
Every turn takes something away. But you know what? That's fine.
Our greatest delusion as humans is that things have to be lasting for them to be 'good'. I mean, the older something is, the better it must have been during its prime, right? Rocks seem to last forever, thus we use them to build our monuments and to carve our ideas. 'Diamonds are forever', as the old saying goes. The truth of the matter is that rocks seem to last forever only from our point of view. Mountains wear down, earthquakes rip open the earth, and the mantle is constantly shifting, returning to the core of this world to be recycled.
Not even stone is truly eternal. And that's wonderful!
'Old' does not automatically equal 'great'. It just means it had a great run of luck. The real truth is that we come to cherish the things that last but a fraction of the time we have: The smile of our loved ones, our first bites of a new flavor, our first kisses, our graduations, our first successes, our first failures, the first time we meet new friends, the first time we say goodbye, enjoying something new for the first time, etc. I personally cannot claim to know many of the things above considering my life so far, but that only serves to make my point the stronger.
Something isn't beautiful because it lasts. It is beautiful because it happened, and you got to experience it. Things going away suck, yes, but it is an inevitable part of life. Don't cling to pain. Don't expect happiness. Don't fear loss. Accept reality as it is. Enjoy the good and endure the bad. Don't make a big deal out of anything. Be selfless, and unconditionally kind and just without ever expecting a reward. We're all going to end up as piles of dust someday, so why not be nice to each other while we can? The only thing that matters is letting people know that you care , even if they don't return the feeling. Because, whatever someone is, has, or can do doesn't mean a damned thing in the end.
This reply need not be answered if you do not wish to, though I hope it serves its purpose, for it was written because it needed to be. You are not alone, and you are certainly not friendless. You do have a friend that cares. Because he understand just how cruel and cold this world can be. But he does not give up on it; his determination is just too strong for that.
I think you're cool! I find your writings quite insightful. But, to be honest, you should do whatever makes you happiest. I don't know how leaving a fandom would increase your happiness, but if you feel it would, then that's what you should do. You can always come back to it later if you choose to.
I've had a similar feeling to you when it comes to socializing and relationships. I used to have a tight-knit group of online friends; then, for whatever reason, it just fell apart. It felt like I'd forgotten or lost the ability to socialize. I don't know whether I changed or the internet did. Basically, human interaction is hard.
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Thank you. This helped.
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Glad I could be of help. It is, after all, the only thing that matters in the end.