Personal Update · 1:35pm Nov 4th, 2015
Hello everyone.
I'm rather conscious of having gone quiet despite having more things than ever to do and talk about. The truth is that the real-world job-hunting situation is doing some weird things to me.
It started with getting a nice call from a woman at a recruiting agency who was looking over an application I'd made to a job. She went out of her way to express her admiration for the cover letter I'd sent: having been out of work as long as I have, I've been writing cover letters that could be summed us as 'My CV sucks, but here's why you should give me an interview anyway'. Naturally, I poured my writing know-how into making them brief yet characterful and engaging, and she said that it had definitely contributed towards me being higher up on the list of people to contact.
It's hard for me to put into words just how rare it is for me to feel like the things I do actually make any kind of difference, but this left me a little unsettled. It was definitely a good thing, but very hard for me to process. What really put me on tilt was getting a message on Monday from a friend that had submitted a CV/cover letter of mine to a boss that he used to work for and has some pull with. It's just office cleaning, but essentially the next opportunity that comes up is mine, if I want it – no interview necessary.
I'm actually not surprised that the idea of taking that job when it comes up doesn't evoke any particular reaction in me at all. I struggle daily with the idea of applying for jobs and the self-belief of whether I can do it or not, but once past that stage it's never been an issue. Sure, I get the standard dose of nerves, but as I said the other day, by comparison to the kinds of anxiety I deal with habitually, mere nerves are trivial in even large doses. The wider idea of what was transpiring, however – the innate cause and effect nature of it all – left me quite fazed. The unconscious mind is constructed upon an awful lot of base assumptions, and some of those are in the process of crumbling.
On Monday, I was just a bit out of it. I'd been round to spend some time with Dad and watch the weekend's Mexican GP, which burnt off a big chunk of the day, but by the time I got home I just couldn't concentrate on much of anything. I don't know if other people will get this, but it was that content kind of fazed where it doesn't really matter and just biding time until something mentally shifts is entirely comfortable. I slept surprisingly well, that night. Yesterday, however, was a very different story. It was like all of my emotions were surging at the same time – like a normal day but turned up to 10 – and it was a deeply unsettling feeling. I would guess that it was mostly unsettling for the sheer rarity of the experience; in fact, I'd suggest that the sense of power I was feeling is likely a case of touching something that most people take for granted – that if they actually want something they can go out and potentially make it happen. Right now, that whole concept feels alien and beyond my control, and I think that's what makes it quite so unsettling.
For most of my life I've been afraid of exercising that kind of power because it's exactly the kind of power others have used to hurt me in the past. I'm sure it seems a grandiose exaggeration of the word power to use it in such a context, but it's one of the reasons I call myself a philosopher that it is the nature of minutiae that matters. How a person is treated when they're on the losing end of a power dynamic goes such a long way towards defining them, as it has defined me.
Deep down, I am absolutely terrified of becoming the thing I detest because I hate it, and that hate feeds back on itself because I'm resisting the very think it exists to grant: power.
Yesterday, I sent off another application (this guaranteed opening could end up being months away, for all I know) with a similar, if even more strongly – might I even say powerfully – worded cover letter and got a reply back inside an hour offering me an informal tour to go over what would be expected of me. The problem was that the location just wasn't accessible enough and I wasn't going to be able to follow up on the job. Even though there was no way I could have known that in advance because the information wasn't written on the jab advert, I came down on myself incredibly hard for being so assertive in asking after a job I couldn't even take. I expect that sounds like nonsense, and in reality, it absolutely should: welcome to the craziness that is my subconscious. I went into a bit of a spiral and couldn't think straight for the rest of the evening, and last night, I didn't get to sleep until around 3am.
Fortunately, I gathered my wits this morning, checked out all the possible busses and times and fares and such, and confirmed that it wasn't going to be possible and sent off a reply email. The offered date for the visit was tomorrow, so the feeling that I was wasting his time if I didn't reply pronto was difficult to bear, so I'm glad that's dealt with.
All of which leaves me at a bit of a loose end today. My emotions are still racing and I can't settle, but it's less discomforting than it was yesterday. The only overt upside is that I made an interesting storytelling connection that has my mind somewhat fixated on that psychological piece about Fluttershy I've been meaning to put together. Hopefully I'll be able to make a start on that by then end of the day. If not, I have a boardgame session with friends tonight, and maybe some face-time will settle me down, so.
I also have a PCaRG review in processing, but I'm having some difficulty presenting it in a neutral light because it's got so many issues. I'll probably shelve that until after the weekend to make sure my head is back on straight for when I publish it.
In the meantime, y'all can look forward to Pony Psychology this weekend. See if you can join the dots between my experiences described above, this:
...and our dearest Fluttershy.
Don't strain yourselves, now.
-Scott 'Inquisitor' Mence
"Power comes in response to a need, not a desire." —Son Goku
Well, I understand the fear that power can evoke in a person, at least. Also the soul-crushing process that is the job search. D: Good luck to you.
Right now I'm just picturing a flying, glowing, power-radiating Dragon Ball Z character writing a powerfully worded letter to secure a position like office cleaning.
It is a glorious picture.
Also, my sides hurt.
3520859 The Legendary Super Chimney-Sweep.