Past Sins: Chapter One · 12:20pm Sep 23rd, 2015
A summary and reaction to Past Sins Chapter One: Everfree Discovery
Summary
The next day, Twilight realizes that her saddlebags -which contained a number of books on loan from the Royal Library- are missing. Using her magic, she tracks the bag into the Everfree Forest, back to the spot where the ritual was performed. When she is about to leave, an incoming thunderstorm disturbs something in the nearby bushes, causing it to cry. Twilight discovers a small foal, recognizing it as Nightmare Moon.
Eventually, she decides to bring the filly back to Ponyville. After washing the filly -and buying Spike's silence with the promise of a gemstone- Twilight puts the foal to bed.
Reaction
It's funny that Rarity mentions Pinkie Pie, because the drawing heading this chapter reminded me of nothing so much as it did one of Pinkie's disguises.
So, the first 'proper' chapter of the story. As I said, I was surprised that we had Nyx established so quickly in the Prelude... but now that she has been established, I'm glad that the story didn't pad out actually introducing her (even if she doesn't have a name yet).
And on the topic of Nyx, I think that this story actually did a very good job of introducing her in a manner which is... well, cute. Her constant silence and uncertainty is more endearing than if she had been crying and wailing the whole time. It make's her more sympathetic, and add's some weight to her words when she finally does speak. It also has the added bonus of keeping the mystery about her; this introduction is told exclusively from Twilight's PoV and her thoughts make a lot of sense. Of course she is concerned that Nyx is Nightmare Moon reborn. But not vocalizing that thought -and more importantly, not having Nyx reject the claim- is better writing. It helps maintain Nyx's innocence, helps to ingratiate her with the audience, and eliminates the 'Oh woe is me!' vibe that threatens to undermine any kind of villain redemption story.
As I say, Twilight's concerns are valid, and having her be suspicious of Nyx from the beginning alleviates some of the pitfalls of this kind of story. While the fandom may be used to accepting Nyx as an adorable little ball of innocence, there is no reason why Twilight immediately should, so I'm glad to see that she doesn't. As such, her growing understanding that Nyx really is as innocent as she seems rings a lot more true... and is especially helped by her constant thoughts that perhaps Nightmare Moon really is just faking it. While I disagree with the logic behind not contacting Princess Celestia, and Twilight actually going to sleep in such a vulnerable position with the possibly-suspicious Nyx nearby does raise some eyebrows... it's nothing story-breaking. I'm curious to see how she reacts the next chapter, though. I imagine that her tension over how innocent Nyx is, and whether or not she really is Nightmare Moon is going to be a big part of her thought process and characterization.
And I really like this characterization of Spike. His early line, that he is concerned because of the danger of the Everfree, rings true, and kind of sounds like a rebuttal to stories which present him as a childish brat. Similarly, his writing up the letter and being prepared to send it the minute the time limit is reached is interesting. It actually reads like something Twilight would do, sticking very closely to her schedule. This chapter hasn't quite clarified what Twi and Spike's relationship is -the fandom tends to vary on whether they have a mother-son or sister-brother dynamic- but it'll be interesting to see how it develops throughout the story, and in comparison to the Twilight-Nyx relationship. Again, the idea of Spike's silence being so easily bought stretched credibility a little for me... but it isn't story-breaking, so I'm willing to let it slide.
On the other hoof...
While I generally liked the writing of this chapter, spelling out the sound effects really doesn't work for me. I could excuse it in the last chapter -because it came at such a dramatic moment and was so at odds with the rest of the story that it stood out in a good way; I dislike the KRAC-CROO-OOM of thunder here, but I can begrudgingly accept it for similar reasons. I will not, however, offer any such excuse for the repeated RUSTLE RUSTLE.
That aside, however, the prose was fine for the most part. The characterization was interesting and, while I feel the plot device of 'Don't Tell Tia!' is a little contrived -particularly as a fan who prefers Celestia- overall I'm enjoying it so far.
Random Observations
“A favor. Pinkie Pie has her promises; I have my favors. You just come to me if you need anything, and, if I can help, I will do my very best to assist.” Rarity paused, glancing anxiously away from Twilight while batting at a few strands of her hair. “Just as long as it doesn’t involve excessive amounts of dirt.”
Does this fandom have a pony-version of Chekov's Gun yet? Maybe this 'favor' is just a throwaway line, or will be used to explain where Twilight get's the sapphire for Spike from... but I imagine this will be used for something else later.
Twilight’s mind was spinning at a million miles an hour, cycling through the same thoughts over and over again. Was this really Nightmare Moon? Was that the purpose of the spell last night? Did it work? How did it work? How could there be a Nightmare Moon without Luna? Weren’t they one and the same? Why was Nightmare Moon so small? Did the spell not work? Was Nightmare Moon just trying to trick her into taking her back to Ponyville? Was she only pretending to be so small and helpless? Was she dangerous? Was this really Nightmare Moon?
I really like the way her thoughts 'circled round and round'.
What Twilight found, however, was nothing like she had expected. A filly as young as Apple Bloom was tangled up in the branches. It looked like she had been there for a few hours, if not longer. She also had nicks and scratches all over, which Twilight could only guess had been caused by the bush’s long, sharp thorns.
Perhaps a little cliché, but introducing Nyx in a state where she is defenseless, vulnerable and being hurt does make the reader sympathize with her pretty quickly (which is important since the narrative doesn't shy away from how evil and villainous Nightmare Moon was). It also add's a little bit of weight to Twilight freeing her. The summary ask's if Nyx, growing up with Twilight, will become a better pony. In this scene, we see Twilight literally saving Nyx.
FLASH… KRAC-CROOO-OOOM!
Again, the storm caught Twilight by surprise. It wasn’t as bad as the first time. She was able to keep herself standing in the center of the clearing instead of galloping off to hide. She did, however, throw an annoyed glare up at the clouds for startling her twice.
The thunder had also brought with it another sound, the crying Twilight had heard earlier, and it was close. Her first instinct was to call out again, but she decided against it in fear of the pony falling silent again. Instead, Twilight swiveled her ears forward and listened. The crying was now accompanied by some rustling, and it took Twilight only a few moments to pinpoint its source. It was the bush from earlier, the one Twilight had feared hid some horrible danger.
The flash indicates there was more than just thunder; there was lightning. This is kind of interesting, since Nyx is essentially a composite pony. The narrative describes her as the darkest part of Luna's psyche... but she also has Twilight's blood. She's a pony that's been put together from the pieces of other ponies... like Frankenstein's monster. Which, of course, is often animated by a bolt of lightning.
It also does a job job of tying Twilight and Nyx together. As Twilight points out, why would Nightmare Moon be afraid of a thunderstorm? It might just be a reflection of Nyx's innocence... but considering she has Twilight's blood, and Twilight herself is scared of thunder, it might be another cue tying the pair.
Twilight was drawn from her thoughts by a knock at the bathroom door. She finished placing one last bandage on the filly and then turned in the direction of the door. “Yes?”
Twilight bandaging Nyx? Sounds like the small picture on the top left corner of the cover image.
Yes, I agree with you about Celestia, but then I would.
I think Twilight is the best-written of the Mane Six in Past Sins, so it's good to see that you appreciated her as well. Spike is indeed treated a bit better than he often is (though I still think The Descendant writes Spike best of all) and I recall the "Twilight's mind was spinning" para being one of my favourites from this chapter, too.
It does seem slightly odd for Twilight to be scared of thunder, though. She didn't seem to be in "Look Before You Sleep" -- okay, she was indoors, but plenty of people (and, I guess, ponies) who are indoors dislike thunder intensely.