So...long time no post... · 8:57pm Sep 7th, 2015
Before I go into what's been going on the last umpteen months...years...eons...*sigh*
Becoming Twilight is complete but the story isn't finished. I have started the sequel called Level Flight:
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/288185/level-flight
I just started it and published the first chapter of it so it isn't showing up yet. I think I've got all my apples in a row but I'll make sure.
And now...for the annoying part. Feel free to skip if you don't want to know any of my personal drama.
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Basically I'm trying to climb back up out of a deep deep deep hole that I've been in for a very very very long time. In a word I'm depressed. I don't recall the last time I was truly happy. And that's a problem. It's, as you would expect, affecting everything.
I work 50 - 55 hours a week regularly, have body issues that require my diet to be very restrictive now, a wife that has two burst discs in her C-spine as well as spinal stenosis and fibro, and a special needs daughter that is now 18 and in full teenager mode. And money is always an issue of course. Lots of times we have less than $30 in the bank account. And, oh yeah, somewhere in there I have to find time for myself.
When it comes down to it though I feel like I'm the only one trying to keep things together.
I spend a lot of my off time exhausted. I clean. I'm trying to get at least 5000 intensive steps in a day on the treadmill. (I've been failing on that for a week now.) I have a reminder on my phone to write every night. But I don't get to it.
Nothing feels like it's worth it. I'm so tired of climbing to the top of the stairs only to get knocked back down. It just never seems to end. And I'm really tired of it.
Everything is out of whack. I'm not sleeping properly. Either too much when I should be doing other things, or too little just so I can try and relax by watching something like a cartoon or movie. In the end about the only thing that knocks me out consistently is a prescription painkiller but I try to almost never use those. Too easy for me to keep using them. And we can't afford those anyways. Sometimes a particular blend of tea helps. Sometimes not. Sometimes exercise. Sometimes not. Nothing but a heavy drug seems to work all the time.
I have an appointment with the doc on the 17th to find out what the numbers I've been working on look like. (A1C, triglycerides) I'm hoping that the number dropped so I don't have to go on drugs. Not only can we not afford that, but I really don't want them in my body. (Yeah cue up response about previously mentioned painkiller. I know.)
I'm just not doing well. And that's what it comes down to. So far I haven't done anything more self-harming than a lot of food I shouldn't be eating. I've promised at least one person that I'll get professional help if I start leaning that direction.
I don't remember my dreams any more. I used to have such vivid dreams. Now...nothing. I often wonder where those have gone. Maybe if I appeal to Luna she'll help me sort that out. But I'm not holding my breath.
Anyways, enough of the drama. I have to go back upstairs and do the dishes. I'll try and write more often. I enjoyed getting the chapter done today and I need to get another one done. And a companion chapter for Cold Hooves - Warm Heart. I have so many stories I want to write. I just can't get to them. I'm not sure I'll ever get to them. And I think that's what I fear the most. I'll disappear with all these incomplete dreams.
For now though I'm not going anywhere.
