im freking out · 1:17am Jul 3rd, 2015

i ned a frind now plese if any can talks now pleae

Edit 1507030206:

Thank you to everyone who helped me through this so much faster than normal.

Edit 1507022052: I am calmer now, and will explain what happened. This will deal with mature, personal issues that are not suitable for children.

I need to explain something about myself before I begin. In part due to the issues in THIS post, I Hate to be complemented on how I look. Hate. With a capital 'H', and the full force of a woman's fury behind it. It makes me feel empty and twisted inside. In addition to that fact, like many women, there are things I dislike about my physical appearance. I am not saying this to brag, but I am reasonably attractive to other people. I do not, however, fit into what I find attractive. Above all others, a woman needs to be attractive to herself. I am not yet, but I am working on it, and I expect to be in
~2 years. I am making progress. That having been said, I severely dislike having my picture taken, and unless I deeply trust and care for someone, I will not show them my picture. Ever. Even if I do trust and care for them that much, I still might not share, because I am deeply terrified of sharing like that. 99% of the time, I don't like people looking at my picture.

As far as today's 'incident' goes:
I believe I have pulled no punches in pointing out how sexually focused I am. One thing I do is sexual RPs. I have gotten to know a few people (two in particular), with whom I very much enjoy talking to, sexually or not. Several days ago, one of my two sexual friends needed to take a break. I understand this, and accept it with no reservations. However, that left me with one person who I talk to sexually online. Unless they want to talk to me most of their day, one person is not enough to fully satisfy my libido. I wouldn't ask them to.

On a particular site, the name of which I will not mention, because it is very NSFW, I put what amounts to a personal AD for RPing on the site. I neither expected nor received many responses. But I did receive a few. Some were trolls, one was a scambot, and one I became fast friends with.

Although he initially contacted me for an RP, this fast friend immediately recanted his interest on the matter. I bear him no ill will for this. He then stated he wanted to be friends. I could always use more friends. We got to talking, and became friends. He seems like a very nice guy.

After we spoke for a while, he became interested in RPing again, and we did. When I was super tired, he asked me for a picture, and I was so out of it, I broke my #1 rule, and sent him one. He complimented my looks, and I pointed out how much I despise it when people do that, and referred him to my blog post here. He said he read it, and he agreed not to do it ever again.

We continued to talk and RP, and I felt we became closer friends. I want to point out that I don't have many friends, and that before I became friends with Karen, I could count the number of friends I had on one hand. I am socially awkward, and out of practice with interfacing with people.

He asked me if I could send him another picture. I pointed out how much I loathed people seeing my pictures. He told me that he wouldn't pressure me, but said "(warning, incoming compliments) You're one smokin' girl! You really are a cute one." I told him I realized that the was just trying to be nice, but that I could not handle complements on my body. I begged him not to complement my looks again. He apologized, and told me he wouldn't do it again. I made sure to point out that I am in an open relationship, and that unless that changes, we could play, but nothing more would happen.

We talked, and RPed some more. He suggested we webcam. I had never done it before because of my issue with pictures. Video is even worse than pictures. It's like, 100 pictures every second, capturing everything, and hurling it away at another person with no chance of hiding my flaws and fears. Visual Rape. The thought of it absolutely terrifies me. A few years ago, my webcam broke, and since my brother never uses it, and I never use it, we didn't bother trying to replace it. I told my fast friend my cam was broken, and he suggested that that I type, and he camed. I was a little nervous, but saw no reason not to agree.

At first, it was fun. We talked about random, stupid stuff, and I was enjoying myself. He even introduced me to his cute dog. Then he asked for another picture. I really didn't want to, but I also didn't want the one I had sent him while tired to be the only one I sent, so I sent him a less risque picture. He started asking me about exactly how old the pictures were, and how old I was, then started figuring exactly how old I was in the pictures.

He asked for a more recent picture. I told him that this was last one, and showed him one from Christmas (after he helped me figure out some stuff about Skype). He started complimenting my looks again. I tried to explain what I didn't like about my body. (weight/breasts/hips). I pointed out that I needed to be at a place where I found myself attractive, but that I was working to get there. He asked me my weight. (you should never, ever ask a woman this. If she wants you to know, she will volunteer the information.) I didn't want to tell him, and at first tried to avoid the issue, saying simply that it was too much. he asked my again about how much I weighed. I said my target weight was 110. he asked me again how much I weighed, and and I said I weighed more than I wanted to. At this point I flat out told him I didn't want to say how much I weighed. He begged me to tell him. I was so uncomfortable at this point that I pulled a number out of my ass, accidentally putting it 20lbs higher than I meant to type, and quickly lowering it back to my made up number. I hate lying. Now I'm uncomfortable, guilty, and flustered. He proceeds to ask me how much I weigh in the F***ing pictures I never wanted to send in the first place. As if any girl really wants to catalog how much she weighed in a sexy picture taken 2 years ago, when she looked better. I lied again. More guilt.

We finally get away from talking about my body, and back to friendly conversation. He shows me pictures about himself. On a stupid, idiotic, lack-of-brains-from-hell whim, I scan my picture folder that contains every picture I have ever kept of myself, and there are 100, and one duplicate. Because I have taken leave of my wits, I mention this to him to alleviate the guilt. Now he wants another picture. I realize that he's asking now because I brought it up, and so I tell him I will send him a funny pic of me, and that it is the absolute last picture I will send. He says "for now". I explain to him that I was assaulted by the last two people I met online, and now he feels hurt because he thinks I think he would do that. I don't, but hurting him makes me feel even guiltier. Now I am extremely uncomfortable, very guilty, and emotionally upset from having sent four whole pictures already.

While I'm getting the picture ready (scrubbing EXIF), he shows me random cute animal pictures. I tried to make small talk, and I think I did well, despite the emotional rollercoaster I was on. I sent him the picture, and for once he didn't talk about my looks. Instead, he suggested that I buy a cheap webcam. I wasn't really processing well by that point, my emotions were too all-over-the-place. I told him I probably wouldn't get a cam for a long while (I didn't want to explain again). He told me he would check for a cheap one online, and started looking. When that sunk in, I finally lost it. The terror I have for pictures and video overwhelmed me, and I began babbling about how I couldn't handle videos, about how they are worse than pictures. In the midst of all this, he calls me gorgeous. The final straw.

I began sobbing and curled up in the corner. I begged my online friends to help, in the original version of this post. I needed a friend. I found several. Thank you all for caring.

I still want friends. I will refer him to this post, and tell him that if he wants to be my friend, there will be no more webcams, no more pictures, no more complementing my looks, and no more asking about my body stats.

This also applies to anyone else who wants these things. If I want you to know one of these things, I will volunteer the information. Don't ask.

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Charles Spratt

Charles Spratt #1 · Jul 3rd, 2015 · · ·

i ned a frind now plese if any can talks now pleae

No, I think you need an editor.

In all seriousness, I'm here. What ya need?

Thorniestmax

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im freking out · 1:17am Jul 3rd, 2015

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