Writer's Workshop #4: Avoiding the Comma Splice · 11:08pm Jul 24th, 2012
Hello, everyone!
Today, we're going back to basics. Eventually, this will teach you how to identify and correct a comma splice, but to do that, I need to go all the way to the simplest concept of sentences.
Here's the first thing you need to learn: you speak terrible English. Uh uh uh. You speak terrible English. Guaranteed. "Hey, Bob, what's up?" "Nothing much, you?" "Eh, I'm fine. How's the wife?" "Can't complain. Seein' anyone yet?" "Nah, man. Well, I gotta go. See ya!" "See ya."
That's why, whenever I look at someone's story, one of my first comments is usually, "You need to stop writing like you talk." How should Bob and the other guy have said what they said? "Hey, Bob. What's up?" "Oh, nothing much is up. What about you?" "Eh, I'm fine. How is your wife?" "I can't complain. Have you been seeing anyone yet?" "No, I have not, man. Well, I have to go. See you!" "See you."
If you read that loud, it might sound stilted and funny. In writing, it doesn't. The structure and phrasing of the English language has to be much more formal when you write than when you talk. You can get away with shortcuts and cheats in speech. In writing, no dice.
(Note that this rule is not true when you're trying to sound informal. However, in general, story writing, particularly 3rd-person narration, must be formal.)
So how can you improve your writing to make it sound formal? The next thing you need to learn is this: a sentence is a group of words put into a complete thought. That sounds really basic, and it is. But if I had started with, "a sentence must always be an independent clause," you would have been confused. So now that you know that a sentence is an independent clause, let me break down what that means.
First, what is a clause? Simply put, a clause has both a noun and a verb. If it only has a noun, it's a phrase, like "over the river" or "through the woods." A phrase is not a sentence; that's pretty clear, right? It has to have a verb in it too, like "I walked through the woods." If you make a sentence that's missing a part, it's called a fragment. Again, makes sense, right? It's a piece of a sentence. It's incomplete.
However, it's not that simple. What about something like, "Because I could not stop for death?" Wait... that has a noun and a verb. But that sentence can't sit by itself, can it? You can't go up to your friend and say, "If you can't find a muskrat." He'd reply, "If you can't find a muskrat, what?" This is a dependent clause. It depends on the rest of the sentence to give it meaning. We want an independent clause for a sentence, right? We could turn our dependent clause into an independent one by dropping the "if." "You can't find a muskrat." "No, I can't. They all moved north." See, it's a complete thought all by itself!
Hmm, we don't want to just use independent clauses all the time. That'll sound like those kid's books, like "See Spot run. Matt sat on Pat." We can add phrases, like "I went towards the lake," verbals, like "I wanted to see the muskrats building their dams," or even dependent clauses, like "Even though you broke my heart, I still forgive you." But what about two independent clauses? Can we join them together?
Sure! Let's try just slapping them together, like we do with phrases, clauses, and verbals. "I've got a boat let's go ride it." Well, that didn't work. They got all tangled up. Maybe we can put a comma in there. "I've got a boat, let's go ride it."
Boom! Comma splice. See where the name comes from? We tried to splice two sentences together with a comma. Unfortunately, a comma's just not built for that. It's too wussy to stop the sentences from barreling into each other.
We need to conjoin them somehow. If only there were some conjoining words... conjunctions, perhaps. Oh, yeah, conjunctions! "And, but, and or will get you pretty far." Let's try those instead. I'll start with these two sentences: "I want to go to the store." "The store is closed." "I want to go to the store, but it's closed." Tada!
I know I'm making this sound really dumb, but it can be tricky. If the two sentences are similar enough, we want them to flow together without interrupting with a conjunction. This is where I see so many comma splices in stories. Is there another way to join two independent clauses?
Yup. It's called a semicolon. The poor character gets so much abuse these days, but it's so simple to use. A semicolon is used to put two sentences together. We can do it in the first example, actually. "I've got a boat; let's ride it!" Take care, though, not to use them excessively. The two independent clauses should share a similar idea. After all, a sentence is meant to convey a single concept; if the two parts are dissimilar, the sentence will be confusing.
(Also, even if you set up semicolon use perfectly every time, you should still use it sparingly. The rule I learned was "once per page," but that was in seventh grade. You can probably get away with a little more than that.)
So, what if you want to join two sentences, but they're too different? Unfortunately, you can't. That's the last way to fix a comma splice: break it up into two sentences. "I was wondering when you'd show up, are you ready?" should just be split. The two parts really aren't similar enough to join with a semicolon, and I don't think there's a way to get a conjunction in there that won't sound weird. Just split and be done with it.
(Okay, there is another way to fix a comma splice, but it's pretty rare. "Here's the thing, are you really the princess, or are you a changeling?" If you do something like this, a colon could be appropriate. "Here's the thing: are you [...]")
So what does a comma do? Periods end sentences, and semicolons end independent clauses if they're moving on. Commas end everything else. If a sentence starts with a phrase or a clause, it needs to be set off with a comma. They, the commas, also set off appositives. Sentences, if you set them up right, can also have phrases and clauses in the middle of the sentence, which require commas. If you have one at the end, it might get a comma, depending on how important it is to the sentence. But I'm a little pooped by now, so I'll save subordinate phrases for another workshop. Lastly, we can technically attach an independent clause to another with a comma. However, we used a conjunction with it. In a sense, we turned the second independent clause into a dependent clause. Commas can work with dependent clauses, so it was happy!
So now you know. A comma splice occurs when you try to let two complete "thoughts" become one sentence with a comma. It doesn't work, it never will. See? That last sentence is spliced. So, class, how would you fix it?
I'm fairly deliberate with my informal style.
One could say it's my shtick. 
I've always found such a tone of writing to be very enjoyable to both read and write.
Thanks for these posts, AP! They've been really helpful, especially the Luna-speak one. Believe it or not, one huge reason I put Rites so far after season two is because I wanted Luna to be able to speak in a modern tone most of the time and just have funny relapses every now and then. That way I don't have to worry about writing her like that all the time.
Heh, if I have a chapter with Zecora in it I'm going to be in serious trouble!
Thou hast no need to worry, C,
for rhyming's not that tough!
Thou simply needest but to think
of words that rhyme enough!
The key thou needest to be good
at poetry is this:
to keep a grand variety
of words you cannot miss.
Release thy mind and body,
let them ride the constant beat.
Submit thyself to rhythm,
learn what "scansion" means, and "feet."
Keep thy mind on formal dialogue,
informal must be lost.
If thou learnest all the rules,
thou wilt not fail at any cost.
Just try it! Keep a beat,
try writing everything this way.
Once thou hast tried it often,
you'll be rhyming everyday.
I must admit I'm doing this
not only 'cuz I can.
I'm messing with thee, just a bit,
to see if it'll scan.
I dare thee, CvBrony,
come and rhyme a bit with me!
If I can do it, thou canst.
Just try it. Thou wilt see.
The die has been tossed, the challenge been raised
as I sit here and ponder, considerably dazed
A post that’s all rhymy, a tough one indeed?
A most difficult task posed, by that valiant young steed!
My brain surges with power, I grab onto my quill
but nothing emerges, and naught ever will
For my mind does not work, in ways of a poem
Like lightning it came to me, “Oh, this surely will show ‘em”
A post done in haste, with naught a rhyme to be seen
That would be quite clever, and so gosh darned keen
Except from my hooves, in text it did flow
a series of rhymes, little I did know
That now I am stuck, in phrases quite Hamlet
And all that I say, is in forms of a couplet
Next! An epic shipping romance with Twilight Sparkle, done in Haiku!
Take it away AlicornPriest!
248284
A star, a diamond.
Two sparks join in an endless
embrace. Raritwi.
Gentle winds of love.
Through the wings of birds and books
comes true love. TwiShy.
Rainbow in the East
that cuts through darkness, shining
brightly. Twilight Dash.
Two friends, understood
not through words or facts, but through
true love. Pinkie Twi.
Two becoming one.
The honest worker joined the
bookish mare. TwiJack.
Last and least,
The sun shall guide her.
A wish, a beacon, a lost
dream. Twilestia.
Yeah I'm not gonna bother rhyming.
Anyway that was a helpful workshop. It explains quite a few of the mistakes I've been making regularly quite nicely and concisely.
Also in regards to the formal versus informal writing, I must say that when writing dialogue it seems to me that you're better off having it sound natural and believable without the strictly correct grammar. Also, sometimes I find that when writing third person I still want to give that segment a characters personal voice. You've read my Gilda sections; you know that I try to have the line between descriptions and the characters thoughts blur a little. In those circumstances should I still use formal English and completely correct grammar?
Holy crap I just got majorly schooled in rhyme X)
248464
A 3rd-person omniscient narrator should be formal. If it's being narrated by a character, like your Gilda scenes, it makes sense that the dialogue would sound more like the character. It's kind of a pseudo-narration, really. It's not directly her narrating, but it... is. Sorry, I can't explain it fully, but you know what I mean.
248621
Unacceptable. You must rhyme in our Dojo of Poetry.
As punishment, you must now write a sestina.
...Okay, that's a little harsh. Just try something. Even if it's just a haiku, let's see you flex your poetry muscles!
248622
OK, that's what I thought. I just wanted a little confirmation before I come at you with some unwieldy mess because I was trying to do character narration/3rd person. Not that I'm planning on making some unwieldy mess, it's just you're nice enough to pre-read for me for free so I try to make things easier for you.
Well I've been taught
That my efforts aren't for naught
That I can rhyme if I try
I can rhyme as well
As Rainbow Dash can fly
As silly as it may be
To see Fluttershy as a tree
Or Scoots as a chicken
The bronies' comedy
Has me stricken
Still, this is tricky
Making rhymes so sticky
I feel like I'm about to flop
CV gonna let the rhyme...
...
mmmm DROP!
248683
An interesting case,
you've got rhyming to the base.
But the scansion doesn't flow
and the rhythm doesn't go.
When you read this, can you see
how the words align with me?
Count the syllables each time.
They're the same for every rhyme.
In a rap, the rhythm moves
and the lyrics give it groove
but the count is not the same.
It's an interesting game.
I congratulate your try
to work rhyming, by the by.
But with couplets, or with song,
you should keep the feet along.
It's hard, I do agree,
the words you choose aren't quite as free.
The words are trapped in beat and rhyme
and they've got to, all the time
keep the rhythm, keep the pace
like you're in a running race.
But don't worry, it's a trick.
You will learn it if you're slick.
Practice emphasis, my friend.
Listen to how words are said.
If you do that, I agree
you will get it, guaranteed.
I googled several pages on commas and semicolons; they weren't as informative as this workshop.
It's like you traveled back in time to write this for me, you brilliant person.