Follower Reviews: MLP Fangirl's I Found Love: Pinkie and Cheese · 10:08pm Jun 5th, 2015
So sorry I'm late with this, guys and gals. Got distracted as usual and I feel awful about it. Besides the fact, I was missing out on reading your lovely work. Now then, let's get this current party started, shall we? Get it, party because the story's about party ponies. Yeah . . . I need better jokes . . .
I Found Love: Pinkie and Cheese
Wow, I don't know if this is ironic or karma or something, but here I am reviewing the prologue of a Cheese Pie story right after I put Slow Fade on prolonged hiatus. I just can't seem to get away. 
I digress. I'm going to start with the basic premise and then move on to mechanics then whatever else I noticed. Please note that this is a review of only the prologue as that's all MLP Fangirl has published. As with all my reviews, I will be reviewing this as a Senior + in college reviews her peers, so keep that in mind as you read on.
The premise for this story. Well-uh . . . it's not too unique if I'm being honest. 
It's like most every other CheesePie story I've read. Cheese and Pinkie plan a party together and fall in love. If you're a CheesePie fan, you've read it a crap ton of times before. That's not necessarily bad, but it does make standing out a challenge. When I read these kind of stories, I automatically set the bar for excellence higher. In other words, you've got to REALLY impress me. It's rather like stacking the cards against yourself right from the bat, so just be aware of that as you move forward.
Okay, mechanics. The first, most noticeable and simultaneously distracting factor here is the formatting. It doesn't work here and it detracts unnecessarily from your story. I like where it was going, but for a woman with bad eyes like myself, the formatting makes it frustrating rather than enjoyable. This is the internet, and the internet has different standards for formatting than you would see in a published work. For works on fimfiction, I like to see a left aligned story with NO indentation. English teachers make it seem like you always need indentation. Well, sorry to tell you, but you don't. So, left aligned, no indentation, and a space between each new paragraph. This space becomes your new indentation. Other formatting issues. To distinguish written language from the rest of the text, you italicize it and add an apostrophe at the start and finish.
So, for example
Just on cue, the book on his endtable began to vibrate. Sighing, he levitated it towards him, withdrawing an all too familiar letter. He rubbed his temple, bracing for today's drama.
'Discord,
I have a bit of a confession.'
He rolled his eyes, "Shocking that."
That makes it apparent to the readers right off the bat that they're looking at a letter. Also, it looks a lot more professional.
Moving on, the grammar's not bad. Nothing major there.
Stuff like this
How can I help--Oh, hi, Twilight.
Should be written as
How can I help—Oh, hi, Twilight.
MLP Fangirl also has a habit that is very common on the site. Exclamation points are used a LOT. This goes for everyone's work, not just this story, guys and gals, so listen up. Exclamation points are like sprinkles, super concentrated, sugary sprinkles. You want to dish them out like a penny-pinching great uncle doles out quarters. Simply adding exclamation marks does not make your dialogue "exciting." All it does is irritate the reader because they're constantly be shouted at. I most often notice this reliance on exclamation points when authors write Pinkie's dialogue. Exclamation points are necessary at times, but there are better ways to show Pinkie's character than tagging on exclamation points at the end.
For instance, here
"Do you even have to ask?! Of course, I'll do it. Like I'd say no! This is going to be one of the biggest parties I've ever thrown! But, I'm up to the challenge. I wonder who the other party planner is." She gasped loudly. "Do you think it's--?
Can be modified to something more like this
Pinkie's eyes grew wide with incredulity, "Do you even have to ask? Of course I'll do it! Like I'd ever say no to that." The thought of planning such a super, spectacular, one-of-a kind party sent her hooves tapping an impatient tattoo against the floorboards. "Imagine the possibilities, Twilight. We could have a giant pool of crystal jello-oooh or a crystal air-balloon race-or a giant—"
"Pinkie, focus."
"Oh, right." She chuckled sheepishly, "Sorry, I'm just super-duper excited for this party. I wonder who the other party pony is—" Her heart did a somersault. Could it be? Was it even possible? "Is it him?"
Twilight gave a sly smile, "Maybe, I wouldn't put it past Cadence after all."
So, yes, you might have to add more words in, but it's far better than relying on exclamations as a crutch for Pinkie's characterization. She's not just this random pony who shouts a lot.
Wow, I get on tangents, don't I? Anywho, the last piece I wanted to mention here was the awkward wording. There are sentences in this story that just don't jive. They read really, really off to me. I'm not sure if this is a conscious decision on the author's part or not, but it needs to be addressed if the story is to flow appropriately.
For example, sentences like this
First Canterlot, now the Crystal Empire. In the up and up these days.
It just reads "off" to me. Maybe something like this instead
First Canterlot, now the Crystal Empire . . . we're on the up and up these days, Boneless Two.
A side note, please write out numbers. In professional writing, it's not 2, it's two.
Another awkward line
But, more importantly, she was happy that the Cakes could trust her. They found Pinkie responsible enough to watch over their prize, and she took joy in that.
Maybe more like this
But, most important of all, the Cakes trusted her. They did not trust just anypony with their pride and joy, and Pinkie took a certain satisfaction that she had been relied upon to "man the fort" in their stead.
That's it for nitpicks. On to actually discussing the dang story. So, yes, the concept's been used to death, but I think this story has potential to be a lot of fun. It's playful and decidedly CheesePie and that tends to be a crowd pleaser. Cheese seems very in character, as does Twilight. I may or may not have squeed from delight at your Twicord reference. The story seems like it's going to be a lot of fun too.
Pinkie's characterization was pretty good, but it didn't stand out to me. Looking at the author's note, I can understand why. I myself am a very serious author (if my stories were any indication) and I struggled for the longest time writing Pinkie Pie. I told myself, "No way can I write someone as fun and bubbly as she is when I'm so down to earth and serious myself." Well, I'm here to say that you can and will learn how to write her, it just takes time and a willingness to understand her as a character.
Some tips to make it easier on you. Pinkie is not "crazy" and her sole purpose in life does not revolve on being the comic relief or acting random. She's a girl with a big heart, a really big heart and genuinely cares for the ponies she meets. Her goal in life as she sees it is to lift others around her up (as a Christian, that's a purpose I can respect) and she feels like she fails whenever she can't accomplish that goal. The problem comes when she thinks that it's all on her shoulders to make ponies happy. But, happiness isn't just dependent on the person giving it, it must be received and it must resonate with the other party. Pinkie has a hard time accepting that it's not all on her shoulders if she doesn't succeed.
So, when I write Pinkie and when you write her, remember who she is, why she is that way, and what her thought process might be. Decisions are never random. Just because Pinkie's decision doesn't make sense to the other characters, doesn't mean it popped out of the blue. It needs a root cause and the best authors will find a way to emphasize that root cause at some point in the story. Don't be afraid to give her some serious moments too. The show is only a snapshot of her life after all, there's still a lot to explore there. Practice, practice, practice and don't be afraid to ask other authors for help when it comes to Pinkie. I myself am always happy to look over some dialogue or actions and tell if it's in character for her or not.
So, overall, this is a really cute fic so far with a lot of promise! I want to see more already. ^^ I've given it a like and a track. I encourage all of you lovely folks to take a gander at this one and just enjoy the simpler things in life.
Thanks for reading,
— Bluegrass
Very good review and tips!
Your 'follower reviews' are my favorite because I can use them to improve my own writing.
Probably both because that's two sentences without verbs (although they are conversational grammar, so that's okay) and the second phrase is typically said as "on the up and up" instead of "in" and not a phrase usually used without a subject/verb starting it.
3125845
What?
I am a lot like fluttershy but with a backbone and a tendency to be sarcastic. its funny how someone like me always falls in love with the eccentric character of the show because I wish i was like them but i am not i have a hard time making friends because i am shy.
Thanks for the review, Bluegrass. I'll definitely take your suggestions to heart. I know a lot of people are disliking the hundred years thing.
How do you feel about it? Should I change it? The way I see it, the Crystal Empire had disappeared for a thousand years. Without the curse, it's existed for a hundred years. But, now that I think about it, I'm not so sure it's the best idea. Any suggestions?
3126878 I'd say that it's up to you in that regard. At first I was a bit confused, then I realized your logic. What I might suggest is that they plan a celebration for X years since Sombra was defeated. To me, that'd make more sense. I don't know when timeline wise your I Found Love universe is set, but make sure the actual # of years agrees with that.
Awesome little story! It's good to see some new CheesePie, especially when it's not from just me or Sketcha. Good luck!
3126895 Upon further thought, I'm probably going to revise it. Forget about the Crystal Empire plot line. I have a different idea.
It'll take on a sadder approach. That's all I'll say for now.
3127360 Wow. Sounds like a big change. But sadder? Man, I like the sound of that!
Good luck to you. 