).You Might as Well Know · 2:07pm Jul 21st, 2012
The first part of solving any problem is to describe the problem, and by doing so understand it.
We all have problems. Old wounds. Scars. Baggage we carry dusk to dawn and back again, all day, every day. My scar defines me. Makes me who I am.
That isn't a good thing.
What you see, when you look at me, or rather, when you don't see me, is half a man. I am Everhopeful's shadow. Or Everhopeful is my shadow. I never got which way around it was.
Everhopeful is all that is left. He is the survival half of me. He is the skeleton crew. The last vestiges of everything I had. He is my mask, my salvation and my own personal hell.
I am the other half and I have no name I dare speak.
I am one of those souls who got to survive the destruction of everything that I was, who can still see what I might have been, and who will never know what it is to be truly alive.
I cannot self-terminate. I want to though. Who wouldn't? Half my life is numbness and the other half is the burning agony only the mind can conjure. It is the ultimate insult, I am incapable of ending my own life.
I named him Everhopeful in a fit of irony. He has hope because he is devoid of any other feeling so as to preserve that hope, because when you get right down to it, at the core of the construct that I let carry me through the day to day is a scrap of paper on which is written the core tenet of his existence and the ultimate fallacy of everyone else's.
Life gets better.
Unless I can mend my soul or get lucky and just die, I am condemned to my own personal hell and the knowledge of the man I might have been.
That is my problem. That is the truth of Everhopeful. That is the truth of me.
I'm not sure if this message will accomplish anything, but who knows, I have described the journey, I have desribed three possible pathes. Now I just need to walk one.
Keep in mind that, whichever path you take, you will end up right where you started if you walk alone. You have friends willing and able to help you through your pain as long as you let them. Have faith in your friends and they will show you the way, every single time.