What has failed? · 11:28pm May 24th, 2015
The Fall of the Sun is the first story that I have actually planned. I have taken notes of the whole plot before starting the actual writing. I have asked my friends their opinions. I have asked not one, but two people to proofread it.
And yet, it is crashing down like a mosquito hit by a laser.
So what did I do wrong? Because I clearly did something wrong. My other two stories have better ratings.
I have three main ideas:
-The first chapter is boring, and people lose interest quickly. This may be the right answer. The first chapter is boring, because it's basically a re-telling of the first chapter of the show, but with Sunset in the place of Twilight. I also use this chapter to introduce Sunset's assstant (It's not Spike, of course).
How do I solve this? Well, that is troublesome. This Sunset Shimmer never escaped to the human world, and thus is not as bitter as what we saw in the movies. In fact, she is rather similar to Twilight. The differences in their characters would be exploited later. I suppose I could make the chapter shorter, cutting out as much as possible, so the reader doesn't have to be stuck re-reading the first chapter of MLP all over again.
At the same time, my proofreaders told me they had a good time reading the whole experience from Sunset's perspective.
-The story is bad, and I should feel bad: This may be the sole and only reason why I am failing: The story I am trying to tell is just BAD and there is nothing I can do about it. I don't know. I haven't gotten any critique since the first chapter, so I don't know the actual opinion of my readers. Please, anything you'd like to say about the story...please do.
-Few people like this topic: I am aware not many people like grimdark ponies...and that is fine! Nobody has to like it. I know there are some people that sistematially downvote any dark story they see, so that may be an explanation for the high number of downvotes.If that is the case, there is absolutely nothing I can do. I'll just have to endure it and keep on 
The only thing that comes to mind to solve these two issues (Apart from improving, duh), is more frequent updates. To do this, however, I won't be able to update it for quite a long time.
TL:DR
The story is going into an hiatus. I'm going to try to write the whole thing, or at least a big buffer before updating anymore.
I am always suprised by writers love of likes. If your writing a story it's for you and not us. We're just along for the ride.
Personally, I found myself initially bored by the retelling of the pilot, because I have no interest in reading a fic where Twilight is simply replaced with Sunset. On the other hand, I still like the basic idea, I just think the presentation could be a little different.
3095472 I am writing this story in spanish and then translating it into english. I am having a really good time with it, and my spanish friends are really enjoying it. That, I am doing it for myself.
However, english is not my mother languaje, and I feel sloppy while using it. Because I know a lot of words in spanish that...I just don't know the right equivalent in spanish. And I mix the pronouns and all that BS.
Besides, it's not about likes. 'Moving On' has just five likes. And I am extremely happy about it! I am amazed people actually took the time to read that thing. I wrote it in a single evening, with no planning at all. I am really happy with it.
But for something I'm putting much more work on, The Fall is getting a lot of dislikes. People are telling me 'I don't like this' or 'This is bad'. It means I am doing something wrong. And I'd like to avert that.
3095681 Well, now that you got through the first chapter...What exactly do you mean?
3095760
I mean, the idea of Sunset attempting to be the Element of Magic and failing is really interesting, but personally I found her personality to be a bit confused, as you seemed to make her basically a carbon copy of Twilight, down to the "thank you, sirs" to the guards. Then when you do introduce Twilight, she doesn't feel much different herself, even in a universe in which she wasn't Celestia's faithful student.
So, I encourage you to keep up with the story, because I do think its a good idea and could make an interesting fic, but for the initial chapter to introduce a Sunset somewhat less like Twilight, yet not as hateful as her original canon self. In addition, changing the way in which the Elements meet Sunset would go a long way to making the first chapter seem more original and interesting.
3095768 Yes, I ahve been intending to edit the first chapter. I wanted to keep the original script, but it seems it was a bad idea. I'mm probably work on it after I finish the fifth chapter.
I must say, however, that I was asking about what happened after the 1ยบ chapter.
3095782
Oh, sorry I misunderstood. I actually only read the first two chapters. Now that you've asked, I think I will read the rest of what you have up. I'll let you know my impressions of those once I've read them.
3097035 *Bows* I thank you!
3097069
Alright. First off, I just noticed you using the Major Arcana as the naming convention for the chapters, and that's really clever, especially as you seem to be using them as a framing device.
For 'The Sun', I liked the idea behind the chapter, but the execution felt lacking. There was a bit too much in the way of 'telling' and not enough 'showing'. If you want to relate Celestia's banishment to the sun, that's great, but I think the chapter would work much better if it detailed Celestia and Nightmare fighting and then Celestia's attempt to escape, rather than Celestia simply reflecting on her confrontation with the Nightmare.
For 'The Hermit', I liked Cadance and Nightmare's confrontation, although I would recommend looking up how to use archaic English, because you have some usage errors. As for the scenes with Twilight, for whatever reason you decided that you'd use past tense with third person but present with first, and that simply doesn't work. Pick one tense, and stay in it. I'd recommend past, when you write in present you mix tenses quite a bit as far as I can tell. The plot itself was alright, but Twilight's introduction to the other Elements seemed rushed and could have been expanded upon rather than just skipping past it.
3098800 Thank you! I am thanful I came up with that idea, because my previous naming...was trash. Sadly, some cards are going to have little to do with the chapter.
About The Sun: I never planned to have the actual fight happen 'on screen', so I will consider it. Hum...
About The Hermit: I have absolutely no idea how Ye Olde English works, so if there are just 'some' errors, that's impressive.
Twilight (And Sunset) are both first-person narrators. I didn't find any part where I changed from present to past. However, I did mix a lot of verbs in present within the parts that were meant to be in past simple. I corrected many of them, but now I just saw another one, so I'll probably have to do another check, dammit. That was a huge mistake, and somehow my proofreader didn't notice it.
Twilight's introduction to the others was skipped because I couldn't think of anything interesting to tell. All of them are sore, tired and to really in the mood for chatting.