LiAB Review 10: Shadow Kileak's "The Rainbow Confession"

Sorry for the technical difficulties earlier. Still not sure what happened, but the neural net is up and running again. Let's get this on with, shall we?

Author: Shadow Kileak
Top Featured Story: "The Rainbow Confession" (As of 4th May, 2015)
Least Viewed Story at that time: "The Rainbow Confession"
Completion: Fully Read

Today's story is... the... wait. Why is the story title listed twice? It's the same story title. That means the author's most popular story... is also... the least... zuh... bsawwafsfgbgtdhre$&%$^::ERR_RECURSION{Neural_NET=12^5.5364257; SUB/CON}-/REPROCCESS::OBG_LEAK_DETECTED

Oh wait... wait, I see. It's his only story. So the most and least popular stories would be... yeah. I get it. Close shave there, wasn't it?

Let us begin.

Congratulations, Shadow Kileak, you've been struck by lightning. Let's see if you survive.

This appears to be the very first story ever written or posted by this author. And it has skyrocketed to the top of the featured box in a scant two days. This is exactly the type of story this review series was designed for.

It's kind of scary. Actually, no... it's goddamned terrifying, the thought of your very first story becoming so insanely popular. The author is probably sitting in the corner of his room, curled up in a ball, breathing into a brown paper bag... and if he isn't, he probably should be. How do you follow this sort of thing? Why did it get famous? Was it because of your skill as a writer, or just sheer dumb luck? Will anyone care about your other stories?

Look at shortskirtsandexplosions. You've heard of him. EVERYone has heard of him. He has thousands of followers. His grocery list would probably hit the featured box if he posted it. But from what I understand, he got famous for one particular story ("Background Pony", if you're curious) and every other story he's written probably sits in the looming shadow of that phenomenal success. His other stories must feel neglected and alone. Sure, SS&E is "ultra famous" by FimFiction standards. But I don't get the feeling that people really listen to what he has to say. The faceless masses certainly don't care about him as a person. He probably gets so many mindless fly-by comments that it must be difficult for him to sift through them and find the genuinely rewarding and insightful ones. I've heard he doesn't respond to PMs, and refuses all interviews. It must be lonely at the top.

So here we have a fresh new author, rocketing to the top. Will Shadow Kileak be forgotten about in a month? Will all his other stories go neglected? Did the story hit the box because of his skill, or inspite of it?

I know one way to find out. Time to quit yappin and get to readin'.

Premise and Genre

Before I start reading, I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that this story got popular because it contains an unusual ship. Or at least it appears to. I dunno... is Dash and Spike a regular thing? Maybe it's a thing, and I'm just clueless about it. Is this the only reason it got featured? I have no idea... but it does have the romance tag, and it does hint at an unusual shipping.

I'm going into this story with an open mind. However, in the interests of full disclosure, I should make something clear: I hate romance, I hate shipping cliches, and I think Rainbow Dash/Spike is a terrible pairing that will only end in tears. But on the other side of things, this story does indeed have the Sad tag... so if it DOES end in tears, I'll have no right to complain. That's the entire point.

And if your story is well executed, I don't care what tags, genre, or premise it has. Any story can be done well.

Technical Issues

Nothing serious to complain about here. A few oddly punctuated sentences here, a scant few capitalization problems there... but nothing systemic. Just the occasional, regular, every-day mistakes sprinkled here and there. I did find errors, more frequent near the end, but they never brought me out of the story. That's what really matters. This author either has a solid grasp of English language, or a reliable editor. I would complain more about the sentence structure, but that belongs in the next section...

Theme and Voice

There's something not quite right about this story... not catastrophically bad, but still very noticeable. There's something it needs, and I think I can sum it up with one simple word:

The noun, I mean. As in "a modulation or inflection of the voice."

As I read this story, the sentences don't flow as well as I would like. The dialogue doesn't quite feel natural. The narrative doesn't have an ideal rhythm. And in a lot of places, the choices of which word or phrase to use sounds a little... alien. As if the story was translated from another language by someone who's technical skills are excellent, but who doesn't quite speak it with the familiarity of a native tongue.

It's hard to describe. I'll try and pull out some examples...

Rarity could tell in his eyes that the revelation finally violated his pure understanding of love. Yet, she needed to tell him, otherwise she could never forgive herself.

I'm going to be up front with you... this sentence slammed me right in the gut. If we set aside the ridiculous soap-opera circumstances that have transpired here, the idea that Rarity wants to confide in Spike--she's at the end of her rope, utterly distraught, and she has to confide in someone or she'll go crazy--and yet she's aware that doing so will shatter his innocence. He doesn't even know what that means. He doesn't even know what that means! She's about to do a hell of a lot of growing up, and Rarity surely knows how selfish it must be... she's hurting him, all so she can lighten her own conscience. But she has to talk with someone, and she has to tell him the truth.

But... how could Rarity "tell in his eyes?" Don't you mean "from" instead of "in? That's just wonky. Does it sound wonky to you?

“H-he...is going to marry me,” Rarity shuttered at those words, “...It’s so that we both may bear this foal in wedlock...just like a responsible mother and father are meant to do.”

If we set aside the ridiculous soap-opera circumstances that have transpired here--YES, again! It's a shipping fic, get used to it--this doesn't seem entirely out of character for Rarity. I mean, yes, it's extremely out of character for her to go to a soiree and get knocked up with a total stranger. As far as I'm concerned, it's out of character for her to drink at all, let alone get drunk. But despite her personal feelings, Rarity has the heart of an aristocrat. In a medieval land of chivalric honor--even an idealized and utopian one like Equestria--I'm sure some people enter into arranged marriages for political or financial benefit. A lordly stallion has lots and lots of land, but no cash. What now? Marry a rich mare who has no property or title. Problem solved! The stallion in question is a journalist, which means he's dirt poor (and probably pretty scruffy looking) but his social networking skills and his contacts within the news industry might be valuable to Rarity, since her boutique's business lives or dies on her fame and celebrity status. And what's more, Rarity does describe the Stallion in question as being wonderful. Perhaps they're genuinely attracted to each other?

But... why would Rarity "shutter at those words"? That's not what that word means. Don't you mean "shudder"? I think you mean "shudder".

Rarity seemed to pause, gasping to finish the sentence. Spike not yet sensing the reason for her hesitation tried to help her out.
This is kind of a clunky way to say this. Why did she "seem to pause"? Either she paused, or she didn't. Why not say she actually paused, and seemed hesitant? Hesitation is subjective. And that sentence needs a pair of commas. it's completely flat.

“W-What?” Spike snapped out of his stupor.

Okay, this is just an outright "saidism." In fact, the whole story is extremely saidistic. Characters can speak "softly", "grimly", or "excitedly." But you can't really speak "snapped out of his stupor"ly, can you?

It's probably just it's own separate sentence... but if so, why not put the dialogue after it? Surely he'd only talk after snapping out of a stupor.

“Stop crying Spike,” He reprimanded himself, “Dragons don't cry…”

Oughta be a lowercase H. Unless Spike has somehow achieved godhood. And "Dragons" needs a lower case "d"

Okay, now I'm nitpicking.

Rainbow looked away from the fire she was basking herself in, her cheeks still blushing from the cold.

“...Got anything warm?”

Why are these two lines separated by a carriage return? You've got a line of attribution text, followed by a line of dialogue that has no attribution. Is this supposed to indicate a pause? If so, you should simply find a way to tell us she paused before speaking. This just feels awkward.

Spike returned to his kitchen and sighed at the forces conspiring him from his cake. Truth be told he really didn’t want to see Rainbow Dash today, or anypony for that matter. He was grateful for the company, but the young drake had long grown uncomfortable around even his closest friends.

Firstly, I think you mean "conspiring to keep him from his cake."
Secondly... since when has spike grown uncomfortable around even his closest friends? This is kind of a casual way to introduce grand and sweeping changes to the charater's most important relationships. It doesn't feel recent, because you say he had "long" grown uncomfortable.

instead of just telling us it happened, why not show us this characterization through Rainbow Dash's reaction? Have her say "You've been keeping to yourself a lot, lately, haven't you?" Or maybe she jokes about it and Spike says something stern or cold in response, giving Rainbow Dash a reason to be worried.

A little show-don't tell never hurt nobody. Just sayin'.

Aaaaah no wait I got that wrong. We get an info-dump in the very next paragraph, explaining why. For some reason, the time-frame threw me off... I forgot that the current story is taking place a year after Spike's memories regarding Rarity. Of course it's been awhile. I'd still rather get this information in a more subtle or rewarding manner such as body language, facial expressions, and little hints sprinkled through the dialogue.

Wait... now that I think of it, where is this scene taking place? Spike talks about not living in Ponyville anymore, but they were in the castle a minute ago... or was that during the flashback to Spike's memories? it would have been better to separate the flashback with a full-on scene break. But even so, I should know where we are by now. If I don't have a solid idea of where the scene is taking place, you may need to go back and add more descriptions of the scenery. Work in little details that reinforce the location.

Okay, he... okay. There was a mention of an "isolated cottage". Wonderful. Great. That's all I'm asking for. Not sure why this flew past my radar earlier. Maybe you didn't mention it at all until now, or it just didn't stick in my brain enough. Either is a problem you might want to keep in mind.

It was sufficient for his needs and over time since that morbid night, it helped him become distant to his once close friends. It made for a lonely existence, but in a foalish way, that also gave him some comfort. After all the pain he felt over losing Rarity to that other stallion, the thought of losing another close friend festered in his heart, and he—

“Hey Spike.”

The young drake once again was interrupted from his brooding by the appearance of the pegasus entering his kitchen.

This one bothers me a little less than it should. All throughout the story, I don't have a solid sense of who the narrator is. At first, it felt like a regular ol' third person narrative. But look at the paragraph above: look at how it cuts out at the end, as if Spike's thoughts were interrupted by the character's dialogue. Does that mean Spike is the narrator? Are we hearing his thought process, and percieving his feelings directly? But it can't be, because we're sometimes shown Rainbow Dash's inner feelings and thoughts. And it certainly doesn't feel like Spike is writing in his diary or speaking to the audience directly.

You don't have to switch narratives, but I'd be more comfortable if we focused on only one character's thoughts. In this case, Spike's. You can still head-hop while using third person limited... I'm looking at you, Harry Potter... but this feels too frequent. Too scattered.

I really like how you cut off the end of the paragraph to emphasize the interrupted train of thought. That's good. Defenitely keep it.

This time the pegasus got the clue to be quiet, so instead she sat quietly as Spike continued to make her drink.

Spike lifted a cup of cocoa and held it up to Rainbow Dash's face. "Drink it! Drink it now! DO IT!"
Rainbow Dash scrunched her eyes shut and crinkled her nose. She struggled to twist her muzzle away from the mug, without success. "I don't wanna! I'm not thirsty!"
"DRINK!" Spike shook the mug at her, spilling a few drops on her cheek. "YOU'LL DRINK IT AND YOU'LL LIKE IT, DARN YOU!!"

...Okay, now I'm just being silly. But context really does matter. Might want to reword slightly.

“Well that’s lame…” Rainbow pouted. “Well what about going to Ponyville? Have you been lately?”

I know this must seem like a minor detail, but it's still important: You started both lines of dialogue with the word "well". The repetition makes her dialogue feel less natural, which pulls me out of the story.

“Yeah, I got a letter from Fluttershy...7 weeks ago, but I haven’t heard from anypony else.” Spike explained. “Something about a foal shower for Rarity...and a reminder that I couldn’t go in case...”

Another seemingly minor detail that pulls me out of the story: Why'd you type a numeral here, instead of spelling out the word "seven"?

“Here you go.” He offered the mug.

No, no, no! Put the dialogue after the attribution! First he does it, then he says it!

As Rainbow loudly sipped her drink — some things just never changed with her — Spike contemplated what to do next.

An instance of using the almost-right word instead of the right word: Why would you have her "loudly sip" when she could just "slurp"? That's what slurping is! And why did you put a complete, self-contained sentence immediately after the em-dash? Either replace the em-dash with a period, or continue the original sentence!

He felt sick then, the feeling that felt like betrayal.

You mean "betrayal"? Because I'm pretty sure that's what that feeling is called! There's a difference between something that feels like betrayal, and something that actually is betrayal, but... but it's...

I...

You...

Aaargh!

I Could Keep Going On Like This Forever

Okay... okay. Deep breaths, DuncanR. You're getting way to worked up over this. And you know what's really frustrating? I wouldn't be so worked up if I didn't think there was some genuine value here. I'm convinced that underneath all the problems, there's a really compelling voice just waiting to be unleashed... something that could become truly great.

Let's see if I can prove my point with a few positive examples.

There was always something that the young drake did that brightened her mood. He was hardworking, he could be funny, he was very understanding and smart...but above all he was loyal, to a fault. For those reasons, Rainbow Dash felt shame overshadow that admiration now; for not realizing how lonely the young drake was because of those very things.

There! Perfect! Wonderful! You've given us a plausible reason why Rainbow Dash might respect and appreciate Spike: he's loyal to a fault! That's perfectly in character for him! Whatever else happens, no matter how ridiculous and contrived your story elements are, you've made a somewhat believable connection between your two primary characters.

For all he had done, Spike she felt deserved better. She could understand how Spike hadn’t been allowed to attend the wedding — it was thought it would be too awkward for him and Rarity — but the fact he now felt unwelcome in Ponyville, made Rainbow feel disgusted at herself.

Rainbow Dash put the mug down and trotted over to Spike.

“Look...I don’t know if anypony else said this, but…” Rainbow started, “I’m sorry...this whole time I knew it wasn’t your fault, but I guess I never thought to say it...and in a way now, I think all of us should be asking for your forgiveness.”

“Forgiveness? What do you mean?”

Fantastic! Amazing! I can totally believe that the main six characters might want to save Spike from embarrassment, and end up unintentionally ostracizing him from the group. Friendships don't necessarily end overnight: sometimes people drift apart over the course of a year because of a misunderstanding that takes on a life of it's own. And if anypony is going to realize what happened and want to apologize for it, it's Rainbow Dash.

“That’s it, that,” Rainbow nodded and continued. “They did whatever that was on her...and then Twilight tried her best to explain it to me; apparently she had never been pregnant, but she had been fed something to make her body think she was...it faked the test result, gave Rarity that puking thing for awhile, and it messed with her body enough to fool her.”

That monster... THAT MONSTER!!

“Did he...do anything to Rarity?”

“No, we stopped him…but he also got away. Twilight is working out the details with the marriage records people...and the Royal guards, but hopefully that’s the last we hear of him.”

HUNT HIM DOWN, SPIKE! SEEK VENGANCE FOR YOUR FORSAKEN LADY!!

“Anyway, the reason why I’m moving in with Rarity is...well she needs someone to look after her and her family, when I can't be there ofcourse, are around as well especially Sweetie Belle. She is really shaken up by the whole affair and it’s making her a bit of a recluse. She had to stop her work for her pregnancy...but now she is afraid of working at all because...well I’m not exactly sure.”

Spike heard everything and thought carefully about what Rainbow Dash had said. The temptation to swear or be angry at a time like this was tempting, but eventually he came up with something intelligent to say.

Oh... oh wait! is he... Is he gonna...?!

Go for it, Spike! Go live with Rarity! This is her darkest hour, when all seems lost and hopeless! Go for it, Spike! She needs you!!

No, wait... she's emotionally vulnerable right now! You'd only be taking advantage of her, Spike! She's the victim in all this! Set aside your personal feelings and do what's best for her!

...

I hate soap-operas! Why am I getting so worked up over this?! It's the dumbest thing ever!

Aaaaaah why can't Rarity see how much he loves heeeeer?!?!?!

Final Verdict

I think this might be the worst thing I've ever seen with my eyes. And yet I read it all the way to the finish. There's something to be said for that. There's a lot of amazing, incredible, well-crafted stories that I simply haven't finished.

I know this is a review. I should be telling readers whether or not I think this story is worth reading. But what am I supposed to do? If I hate the Romance tag, I can't blame the story for that. if I hate shipping stories, I can't blame the story for that. Where do I go from here?

For some reason, I'm more interested in the author... I can think of all the advice I'd want to give to him as he continues writing.

Give me a moment to summarize my thoughts on the subject. I hope you find them useful, whoever you are.

Tone down the Purple Prose... but don't lose the passion. It's obvious that you know what kind of story you want to tell. You know what kind of conversations you want your characters to have, and what kinds of emotions you want the reader to feel... but you don't have to break out the thesaurus to accomplish those things. A lot of your descriptions of characters, especially their feelings and reactions, were very wordy. Of course, this is a trashy romance! Don't be afraid to get purple when the situation calls for it. Just remember: you can still craft a powerful story using fewer, simpler words. It's a useful tool to have in your belt.

Drop the Saidisms. It's okay to type "he said", and then describe the character's tone and mood via the dialogue or narrative text. Saidisms aren't pure evil... but if you use them in every single line, they become a crutch. If you rely on saidisms too heavily, you'll never get better at things like body language, facial expressions, and emotional dialogue. Your skills will never improve.

Focus on the narrative viewpoint. Don't just wander in and out of perspective at random: Do a little research on first and third person narrative. Pick one you'd like to try out, and write a story using only that perspective. Try them all out. See what you think. Personally, I would have loved to hear this story as if it were being told by Spike himself... as if the character were talking directly to the audience about what's going on, all "Catcher In The Rye" style. As a writer, you have a habit of spelling out exactly what a character is feeling or thinking, instead of dropping subtle little hints and letting the reader discover it for themselves. That's a perfect opportunity for a first person perspective!

Show Don't Tell. People use this phrase quite a bit. I noticed that your entire story takes place in an entryway that's next to a kitchen. Or a flashback to an entryway that's next to a kitchen. To be honest, that's not a huge problem... great stories can take place in a single scene (the "one year anniversary" you mention is a great tool for drawing a connection between past and present). But you still have to make it interesting! Don't just have characters drone on about the past, and then sigh wistfully about the present. Drop subtle hints about what's going on... tantalize the audience, and give them a chance to discover what's going on.

Work on characterization. I know it's a shipping fic, so things are bound to go off the rails here and there... people will forgive a certain amount of out-of-character behavior as long as they like the ship in question. But the characters still have to sound and act like they should. You did a decent enough job of portraying Spike and Rarity (given the outlandish premise), but Rainbow Dash didn't really do or say anything that made me think "Oh, wow... this is defenitely how Rainbow Dash would act!" Her characterization was actually pretty bland. And I know this is a Romance/Sad fic, but I just can't picture her being weepy or distraught (Note: "Tanks for the Memories" is the exception that proves the rule). Not in front of somebody else, at least. I would have been more satisfied if she'd been angry and frustrated. And when they finally do decide to form a relationship, she asks if they can "take it slow." I can't imagine Dash taking anything slow!

I think the premise for this story is super dumb.... but you know what? I can go to hell. You should always write the sort of story you would want to read yourself. And any idea, no matter how dumb it sounds, can be turned into a great story if you execute it well. And since this story reached first place in the featured box in a day or so, there's obviously lots of people out there who are interested in this type of story.

And Finally, The Most Important Thing Of All

Dear Shadow Kileak: Please develop and refine your "author's voice." This is a relatively high-level problem. It's a flaw you should be proud to have.

I'm gonna be completely honest with you... this story has problems. Some pretty big ones, too. But there's a great voice in there somewhere. What do I mean by that? I mean your cadence. Your rhythym. Your manner of speech. The words and phrases in your vocabulary. It's the part of your writing that makes it sound like you. That's what sets it aside from everyone else on the market, and it's the most important thing you can cultivate. I did a hell of a lot of nit-picking while I was reading your story. But I never would have dug so deep in the first place if I hadn't found something to draw me in! Something that made me want to keep reading to the very end.

How do you improve and refine your voice? The same way you improve at anything else: Keep doing it. Write every day, even if it's just a little. And when people leave comments on your stories, listen. Really, truly listen to what they have to say and how they say it. Listen to the good comments and the bad ones... especially the bad ones.

It's your first story ever, and you hit the top of the featured box. You're probably stunned. I know I would be. But for the love of all that's holy, don't let it get to you! Don't get lazy, and don't just pump out the same old story again and again, just to get more views. You owe it to yourself to become a better writer. To tell your stories as effectively as you can, and try to improve a little every day. Analyze your successes. Own your mistakes. Be eternally thankful for your pre-readers and editors.

You're a writer now. Never forget it. Never lose heart. And never give up.

But wait, DuncanR! You forgot to tell us if this story is any good!

Oh, it's terrible. It's cliched, heavy-handed, overwrought, bizarrely voiced, and completely lacking in any trace of subtlety or plausibility.

But you know what? I read it. I generally hate shipping and romance, and I still read the whole thing.

Maybe that's all that matters.

Comments

[PresentPerfect]

saidistic

I like this.

I think the premise for this story is super dumb.... but you know what? I can go to hell.

I like this too. :V