I'm Coming Out · 8:46pm Apr 28th, 2015
This is very related to a lot of depression that I've been feeling lately.
I have actually been seriosuly questioning my gender identity for a while now, and that has lead to a great distraction in my life. I've never felt very masculine, or like I ever fit in with guys in general. Even if I tried, it always felt incredibly forced to me. It was in a way that I felt very distatched from men a lot of the time. Like, I was never even meant to belong with the male gender in the first place. I'm really struggling for build up, and I don't know how else to put it, but to actually be brave enough to say it.
I'm Transfeminine.
I'm sure some of you may be confused or completely lost with this, so here's a basic definition:
Transfeminine is a term used to describe those who were assigned male at birth, but identify as more female than male. Transfeminine is often used as a catch-all term for all people assigned male at birth who identify as feminine of center, including MTF trans women, but the adoption of the term as an identity is a matter of personal preference. Those who identify as transfeminine, as opposed to simply as MTF or a woman, trans or otherwise, often place themselves feminine of center. That is, they identify more closely with femaleness than maleness, and generally desire a physical appearance that reflects this identification, but do not identify as wholly female or as a woman. This identity is similar to that of a demigirl in that demigirls often identify with femaleness or femininity, but only partially. It should be noted that "transfeminine" is not a descriptor of gender expression but of identity. Transfeminine people do not necessarily have to be stereotypically feminine in their interests or even presentation.
To put it simply, I identify as more female than male, but not enough to call myself a woman. I'm sure some of you remember a couple of months ago when I wrote a blog post saying that I was a crossdresser. The problem was, whenever I truly felt good about myself, it was when I was presenting as feminine or wearing women's clothing. The more I thought about it, the more depressed I felt with looking and being perceived as male.
I was always different when growing up. In fact, I always felt more comfortable around females and women than men; I still do (no offence to any of my male followers—still love you guys). I just always felt safer and more happy to be with them. I guess it was because we simply got along better and had an easier time understanding one another. And of course, I was always drawn to feminine images, appearances, fashions, voices, and even mannerisms.
Then there's the issues with my actual body. For as long as I can remember, I wanted, and attempted, to grow my hair long past my shoulders. Mom always thought whenever I tried, I looked mopped headed and always liked me with shorter hair. I make an effort to shave every morning to rid of my facial hair, but always feel upset whenever I can feel a stuble or see the shadow. I even hate my body hair in general and wish it can all just go away. I've even grown weary and disgusted with my plain, rectangular body shape and wish it can be more curvy and shapely like a woman's.
To be perfectly honest, I always hated dressing and being masculine for a very long time. I've even felt a lot of this dysphoria while working with my past show and seeing the girls in such beautiful dresses and longing to be in them. Why couldn't I look as beautiful as them all the time around others? Why if I dressed feminine, It could only be for a short period of time? I even wished I could be in the makeup room with the girls and not the guys. I think it really got bad around this time and I actually determined this about myself.
The more I even thought of it, I realized that I never liked being compared to masculinity at all by society. I never wanted to have toned muscles, broad soldiers, a square face, or even fulfill typical male occupations or hobbies. Even though I am an advocate for defying gender roles, I know now that my own issue goes beyond that. It stretches into finding a comfortable fit for me.
I don't know how I'm going to tell anyone else about this, either they be family or friends. To tell the truth, I was nervous about posting this blog alone. I just hope too many of you won't unfollow me. I just felt like I had to say this, or else I would never have it off my chest and I would feel like I'm constently lying to people. But honestly, it feels very good to be typing this out and admitting it to myself. At the same time, it also feels kind of weird, but I guess it's probably becuase I'm not entirely used to it yet.
I'm hoping to eventually start seeing a gender therapist when I have money to help settle some things. My goal is to be able to work through this whole dysphoria thing and determine whether or not I would like to start hormones to help me become more feminine. I don't think I would ever get surgery; transfeminine is more of a genderqueer identity than transgender—though they do overlap in some similarities.
One more thing. I would like it if people could now refer to me with either They/Them/Their or She/Her pronouns. This may take some getting used to, and I understand, so I won't blame anyone for the occasional screw up.
Thank you all for reading. I hope you can remain supportive and still be apart of my FIMfiction family, despite this big announcement/change. I still love you all so much.
-Dramacolt.
Gonna be honest. I have no idea what it's like with what your going through and probably will never undsertand fully but I don't care so long as you feel happy which the important thing. I'm sure the rest of your followers will understand too.
This may come off as a little blunt, but which gender are you sexually attracted to?
3026488 To answer your question, I am attracted to females. However, I must point out that sexual orinetation and gender identity don't go hand-in-hand. For example, a Transgender man may feel attracted to females, males, be bisexual, pansexual, or even asexual. The same case goes for a Transgender woman, or those who idenitfy as gender fluid, agender, bigender, or any other gender queer identity.
3026515 I know this, I'm asking you personally.
Attracted to female and wishes to be female.
Makes seance to me. I used to feel the same way when I was younger.
3026521 Well, really the proper term might be 'Feminine-of-Center' rather than actual female. The main difference between this and being a transgender woman is that my identity is non-binary and I feel more female, but not enough to actually call myself female.
3026533 How old are you?
3026547 Twnety-two.
3026567 I was going to suggest hormones, but you'd be to old for that to be the cause, so in the end, the best I can say is good luck.