I'm Terrified · 9:14pm Apr 22nd, 2015
Recently, I decided to start taking counseling sessions at my school with our psychiatrist. It was a little hastily done, but I thought it would somehow benefit me. At first, I was only going to do it do try and get an opinion on self-discovery issues and stuff. After a month of thinking long and hard (the old psychiatrist was leaving, so she told me to wait until they hired a new one), I decided to possibly expose a different topic of mine; my inner sadism.
It was something I always had lurking within my mind, but I never thought of as strange until I brought it into the light. My mother found some things I said disturbing, as well as my sister. They both said I should "Talk to someone else about it." Because others thought of it as strange, I decided I might as well tell someone else about it. So, after seeing the counselor only once, I only had enough in me to admit I wanted to hurt people sometimes. I didn't tell her anything more, and was nervous to, so I instead wrote her a letter that I thought explained what others would likely see as a problem. Although what I sent her was nearly two and a half pages, the condensed version could go something like this:
I don't know why I want to hurt people. I feel rather strange about it now, but I never did before.
To pinpoint the roots would be complicated. I suppose it started when my mother would hit me as a child. Because I was seldom given explanation to why I'd been punished, I felt nothing but shame and regret, along with anger. I felt like a punching bag for her anger, and in return I thought many things I probably shouldn't have. I used to imagine torturing her as she was tied down in a chair, as if it were a bizarre interrogation scene from a movie. I wanted to make her feel as helpless as I did.
Being flip-flopped between parents didn't help; my father was no better. Though I'm not 100% certain sexual abuse was present, I know physical abuse was. While I didn't want to kill my mother, I'd always imagine stomping on his chest until he puked up blood or died. I always felt too weak to take action, though.
During these same years of my life (ages 6-10), I'd also imagine this young boy in my mind. He always aged with me, and he kept me company in the night. I would have brutal thoughts of him being murdered, burned, beaten, whipped, and eaten alive. I never thought much of it as a young child. The thoughts would just help me sleep at night. All I thought of them were sweet lullabies.
When I entered middle school and stopped switching between households, my sadistic desires died down. They always, lingered though. They returned briefly when I was about twelve, but served no purpose but to awaken my sexuality.
Today, while I seldom fantasize about such things as I used to, the ideas don't disturb me, and I don't feel weird about it. It wasn't until people told me I was strange that I realized I may have been. I still have inner anger, and I have a difficult time coping with frustration. I really don't know what I else I can tell you, but I hope this helped you in one way or another.
Sincerely,
________ _________ ______
In all honesty, the hardest thing for me is trying to figure out what about me it genuinely weird or not. People would so casually joke about killing and sadism from time to time, I never thought of my desires or fantasies as irregular.
When the woman called me back yesterday, she said she'd read my letter, and she liked the way I conveyed feelings with words. She told me it was all normal for someone who was coping with physical abuse, and that she wanted to help me and to know what I wanted to work on. I didn't know what else I could tell her. I sort of revealed a few more things, slipped up and said a couple details I should have kept private, yet didn't think a thing of it at the time. Her eyes always carried nothing but purity and acceptance. She spoke so sweetly, and when I admitted to her I at times felt evil or bad, she reassured me nothing was my fault. She asked more about my home life, my mother, my past, my relationships, and other things. Towards the end, I told her about my desire to play the more masculine role in a relationship, and she said it was a good thing to know what I wanted in life. Afterwards, she informed me I'd be undergoing personal paperwork next week, and have a "Higher-up" watch my session and have a mental examination done.
The rest of the day, I felt panicked.
What if she thought my problem was more serious than it was? What if she tried to direct me to someone that would put me on medication? What if I was taken away, and placed in some sort of mental hospital? What if I thought my issues were milder than they were, and I was somehow blind to it?
I don't want to undergo any weird kind of treatment. I never thought anything of my sadistic fantasies until now. I never thought of them as weird, and I didn't think they'd be seen as a problem. I believe I'm sane, and I don't want to be looked at any differently. I don't want to be labeled, and I have no way of undoing any mistakes if I somehow managed to make one.
I talked to my private violin instructor about it, and he warned me to keep most of it to myself, as she'd probably exaggerate the problem and could get me into more trouble then I was looking for. Because an outside perspective has said this to me, I feel absolutely terrified, and I may have doomed myself to a worse fate than I expected.
-Pizzema Forte
I hope it all goes well for you, and i will be praying for the best
I wish you the best in your visits, Pizzema. Personally, I don't think any of the really bad stuff will happen. The human mind is a strange thing, and many people have had worse thoughts. Just keep talking to them and tell the truth. Things will get better as you talk more.
~SolidFire
So... First, let me introduce myself. I am currently a College junior studying psychology at one of the US Top 20 Ranked Schools of Higher Learning, and a nursing major. I have been reading your work for around a year now (keeps looking better, good job!).
Let me stop your downward-spiraling train of thought: you are okay. Stop panicking: it makes it worse. The symptoms that you express are part of the wide range compiled into "Depression." Your decision to seek psychological help is well founded, and your courage to take that first step is commendable (the majority of people who could use a hand never reach out for one).
Starting with your fear of going to a mental hospital, since for most people that is the most intense: you will not be forced into one. I can say this with absolute certainty, because you have extensively proven that you are of sane mind, whether you know it or not. The legal definition of insanity and psychopathy is the ignorance of what is right and what is wrong on a moral AND emotional level. In your stories, you have shown a mastery of that understanding, simply by the virtue of your ability to write a character who has emotional doubts and attempts to do the right thing (the biggest example coming to mind from "Raising Rainbow being the chapters with Rainbow's Father babysitting the three terrors) and the fact that you have expressed fear of repercussion.
Regarding the presence of a higher up, don't sweat it: most psychologists will ask for a second opinion (just like you did) when they are handling a delicate case. There are as many branches of psychology as you could find on your typical natural tree and every single one has a different approach to the same problem. In getting a supervisor, your psychologist is most likely taking extra measures to make doubly extra sure you get the highest quality care as soon as possible.
Regarding keeping it to yourself, keep in mind that everyone has baggage. Everyone you have ever seen has a burden on their shoulders, a problem they are continuously wishing was fixed. Psychologists are trusted to be able to figure out what the problem is, no matter how deep or abstract it may be, select the right tool to fix it, and ease everything back into position. It's ridiculously hard to fix a problem that is never shown to you. Have a little faith, and things will be alright. Additionally, we keep to a concept called unconditional positive regard: the office is a safe place. No matter what you say, we are there to help you through it. During clinicals (basically a practical exam that lasts a whole semester), I had a patient who got so upset, they threw a chair. That person needed a hug and a chocolate bar. I was scared out of my skin to give those to them. I did so with absolute peace, and a smile on my face.
SolidFire hit the nail on the head. Hope for the best. Give us a little faith and we will do everything in our power to help you.
From the Hippocratic Oath, which all who practice any form of medical must take:
"I will remember that there is art to medicine as well as science, and that warmth, sympathy, and understanding may outweigh the surgeon's knife or the chemist's drug.
...
I will remember that I do not treat a fever chart, a cancerous growth, but a sick human being, whose illness may affect the person's family and economic stability. My responsibility includes these related problems, if I am to care adequately for the sick."
Good Luck!
- VoidKnight
3008077 For the most part, I usually give a psychological explanation to people when they wonder about their mental health. But it looks like you've got a real psychologist this time to help you Pizzema
Breathe.
I hope things turn out good.
See "To This Day" for that particular crash course. For better or for worse, this will probably help you understand the situation a bit better.
3008077 Thank you so much for that information
After reading that, I'm a bit calmer now. I was just nervous because multiple people told me that she could leak information to other people and put some sort of label on me that could make my life harder. I was freaking out for a while, but I'm sure everything will be fine. Besides, I also told her that most of my sadism was taken out mentally, and I'd never actually made an attempt to hurt anyone (aside from childish fighting/wrestling as a kid). She said she technically couldn't tell anyone unless I was planning on hurting someone or myself. I suppose I just have a hard time giving a stranger my trust, and I'm very afraid of betrayal. Thanks for that bit, though. It really helped calm my nerves.
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Thank you all so much for the kind words! It really helps to encourage me. I've decided to be opened an honest, and try to be as calm as possible about the whole thing. I'm aware it's likely nothing bad will come of it. I thank you for your kind thoughts and prayers, I appreciate all the advice.
3009000 Glad to be of service! If you ever want or need open ear, feel free to shoot me a PM.
I hold a small belief that you were overreacting to go to someone who specialized in psychology, but that's just me, and I'll explain why I think this, because it maybe of some help to you.
Firstly, let tell a bit of a story: When I was young, (8 to 20) I would have fantasies of being back in days of old, in the times of Ragnar Lothbrok and King Richard the Lionheart. I'd picture myself as a Viking, English soldier, or Crusader at war, slicing through enemy lines with a sword and shield. These fantasies were more for the "Gain honor by the blood you spill" quest, instilled in me by old movies or video games.
However, as I got older, I found that these dreams were only natural for boys and young men to have, it was these dreams that made them fearless and brave in their own eyes, for they could do anything in their dreams. You, as you've said before, wish to take on a more masculine role in your life, thus, while they may have been spurred by other things, you've had these dreams of blood and death.
On a bit of a side note that has nothing to do with much of anything: You remind me much of a Viking shield-maiden, Nordic women that fought just as well, if not better than some men of those times. They held no fear, nor regard for the fact that they were seen as oddities in those times.
All and all, thoughts of violence have, still, and always will plague humanity. For so long as we walk this Earth in our imperfect forms, we will think, and do, terrible things to our brothers and sisters. In the end, all you must worry about, is choosing from two groups of people that have these fantasies.
Group One, you would choose to keep these dreams as they are, dreams, and nothing more.
Or, Group Two: You would choose to act on them, and attempt to carry out the deeds you have foresee yourself doing.
I chose to be in group one, but what group will you choose to join? For your body is your own to command, and only you can make that decision.
I will continue to pray for you, my good Pizzema.
3010459 While I understand what you're saying, there's a difference between your fantasies and mine. Yours were based on the idea of winning masculinity and honor and defeating your enemies in an exciting fashion, something many children fantasize about. I remember wanting to be a hero, too. I sometimes remember "saving" the young lad in my fantasies so I felt better about myself, but my fantasies always contained bloodshed simply to have bloodshed. Mine involved my parents and an innocent child, and all simply because I wanted to see someone else hurt to make me happy. I wanted to see a psychologist because I do want help, and I do want my anger (and maybe my sadism) to be put at rest.
3011101 You hold valid points, but remember to never fear your own soul.
Sadism is a subject that is odd to me, for I've never seen a human being with it up close. I watched your video for your followers, and not for a minute did I think there was something off about you, other than you saying "Thank you" so much.
All I'm trying to say, is that you may not have such a thing. I know all that you said you've thought, but I can't bring myself to believe that the sweet young soul I saw in that video was a bearer of such a curse. You, from the things you've shared with us, have had a rougher than usual life. We all have thought of wanting revenge on those that did us harm, and some are more brutal than other.
I've read your works, and I've seen your face. And while I did see some torment in the words you wrote and in your eyes, I did not see an evil, or cruel human. I do not for one minute believe you are a Sadist... not even a little bit.
If you take one thing away from your talk with me, take the fact that we, your fans, love you, and wish you nothing but the best.
You are different, that does not make you weird, and even if it does, so what? When I was younger than you are now I had some rather disturbing thoughts too. I knew there were terrible, but I did not act on them. By the sound of it, neither have you.
As long as they stay in your head, I can't see thoughts like this being a problem. If you were sexually active...But that's a nonissue right now, and again, it sounds like it will be for a while
Puberty sucks; life throws all this shit your way at once. I will be praying for you too.