I Don't Know Whose Feelings Matter More... · 10:53pm May 17th, 2015
Sigh...
So, as some of you know, I've started taking counseling at my school. The counselor's been very nice, and I think I've discovered a lot of stuff about myself through the sessions. I've mostly talked to her about my mom, and how I feel as though she treated me unfairly. She was deaf to my cries when I told her about the situation with my "dad", she abused me physically by hitting me in the face, and punishing me with little to no explanation, and she emotionally made me feel like shit. I also told her about how my mom ADMITTED to abusing me just over a year ago. That was something that hit me hard for a while, and put me in a state of sadness. I can't really call it "depression", because it wasn't constant, and I did have times where I was happy in social situations. It just sickened me to know my mother was aware of the fact she abused me, and was probably aware when it happened.
What pissed me off about the whole thing, however, was the fact she hardly seemed to feel bad about. Yes, she confessed it, but she didn't seem to show remorse, and had the audacity to later pretend that conversation ceased to exist, and didn't even apologize for it. Like, is it too much to say, "I'm sorry I traumatized you and physically abused you as a child."
Anyway, I told my counselor about the way I felt. I told her my heart longed for explanation, for reasoning, for closure, and for some kind of sweet apology to help seal the pain. I just want to understand why she ended up being an abusive bitch. I want to understand why she was always afraid she'd abuse her children, but somehow managed to anyway. My head and heart are aching with disgust and confusion, and I just want her to answer my questions, but I've always been afraid to ask.
So, at this point, I'm in a situation where my counselor wants to see me over summer. She wants me to talk to my mother about all of this, because she believes it will help me cope. She wants my mom to get involved, which my mom is overly reluctant to do.
The thing is, I'm afraid to talk to my mom about it. I'm afraid I'll hurt her, and I'm afraid I'll make her cry. I'm afraid she'll just think I'm a pussy, or she'll claim I'm exaggerating my problem. She always tells me, "Oh, you didn't have it that bad." I'm afraid she'll be disappointed in me, and I'm afraid my family will shame me for being some kind of wimp or upsetting my mother. My mom also has a problem with modern psychology, claiming it's not accurate, or modern psychologists like to "baby" their patients and not tell them how to change themselves for the better. In the long run, she may just blame this on me. I have so many concerns, and I'm terrified to tell her about everything. The other day, I asked if why she didn't give me up for adoption or something because she wasn't prepared to deal with me as a parent. I claimed she didn't seem financially ready, and was probably too young and immature to raise a child. Aside from that, she really wasn't dating that great of men, and didn't have a secure relationship. I was not only going off what my mom told me, but also how I remember her as a young parent. She was of course offended, and my entire family was pissed at me for the day because I upset her.
So, at this point, I'm really torn. My counselor encourages me to talk to my mom "when I'm ready", but I don't know if I'll ever be. The questions burning in my heart have been eating me alive for years now. I just don't know if me finding closure is more important than my mom's emotions. I don't know if talking to her will help me, and I'm terrified of the possibility more bad will come from it than good. I want to question her about it, yet it kills me to see her cry and feel guilty. I honestly don't know what to do here. Maybe I should be greedy for once, and put my problems over hers, or maybe I should just remain silent and get over myself. I have no clue.
As I child, I always wished I could make my mother rue her actions. I wanted to make her cry and feel as helpless as I did. But now, the very thought of upsetting her makes me feel disgusting.
-Pizzema Forte
It sounds to me that despite everything you still love your mother and at the end of the day you just really want her to open up and start rebuilding bridges with you; preferably with an honest apology.
Am I accurate or clearly too tired to understand?
Well; either way I wish you well. I'm glad that counseling is at least helping.
Be well
Well, I've never been in a pickle quite like that. I've had my ups and downs with my mom, I even ran away for a week when I was 16 (That only made the conflict 10X worse), but you need to solve this. I know, I know, you've probably heard that multiple times. I'm more commenting because I feel that you need as much support and feedback you can get. The gentleman or woman beneath me, Pratorius, is right. So, there's no need for a repeat answer. I do however, wish you the best of luck and support if you need it :) The most important thing you can do however, is to keep your head up high and stand strong. Weather the storm. You will come out stronger in the end if you stick to your guns. Don't let anybody, including your family, beat you down. You'll make it in the end.
With regards, Req~