Cloud Charmer and Cloudy Night · 9:24pm Feb 7th, 2015
Listen up...... you!
I'm wondering, have your read the stories involving Cloud Charmer and Cloudy Night? If so, I have a few questions for you.
Do you like the series? The characters? I know that it is slightly early to ask these things, but I cannot contain my curiosity. I want to know what you think of this series I'm starting. Do you like where it is going? Do you have problems with it? Explain what you want to see from the creation of these characters.
In fact, I am willing to go further, if you wish to see just what I plan for these two characters merely ask and I will reveal an excerpt from a planned story in the series that takes place in the future of these two characters.
Warning, I will not hesitate to spoil if you ask for it.
So... respond, if you please. Tell me what you see or want to see in the series I am writing for my channel. This series in particular is like my child, and I want to see it grow into something truly awesome, but I cannot do that without your feedback.
Please, tell me what you think.
Hello! So I stumbled upon your comment on Whinifree's story that you left a little while ago about how you have trouble moving through scenes because you feel the need to add so much detail. It always peaks my interest to find writers that can point out their flaws and realize what they need to improve, it shows that they have true potential. So I check out your userpage and find this blog telling how this little series is important to you and you want to watch it grow into something you can be proud of. Then I go to your When Two Clouds Meet story and am disappointed that it only has 79 views, one like and two dislikes after nearly a year of being published. Now, I have a story that I wrote that is very dear to me as well, and I can't imagine how disappointed I'd be if mine had gone this unnoticed.
So, I read the first chapter and want to give you my thoughts. The number one problem with this chapter is that it is just a huge waste of time. All you did was throw a bunch of information about a character at me, but you didn't even give me the character's name, so it was all irrelevant. I don't care that she is lonely, and I don't care if she finds a friend in the next chapter or not, and the reason why I don't care is because you never gave me a reason to. This story needs to begin with a likeable character, or it won't be a likeable story. You need to start building this nameless mare right at the start of the story, and continue building her all the way through. As of right now, I don't even know where she is. All I know is that she is looking up at the sky. Am I to believe that this entire chapter is her just standing there and staring at the sky? This is why no one has commented or clicked the like/dislike button.
Now, let us look at what can be improved. You mention pretty early on that she feels unfulfilled by her hobbies and family. Expand on this, as this will be key to her character. Show us interactions with her family and why it's unfulfilling, show us why her books do nothing for her. Have this mare walk around, speak, and do stuff, and sprinkle in the feelings that you described in this chapter. Make this character come to life, and give me a chance to relate to her. Give me a reason to care. If you can do this, then this is totally a redeemable story.
Now don't get me wrong, this isn't a bad story, it just needs a focus point. You gave some fascinating descriptions of her feelings, but they are just floating around with no purpose. If you like, I can go through chapter one and point out some stuff in more detail. I have no idea how much time and effort you are willing to put into this story, but the more you're willing to put forth, the more I'll help you. I hope that you take my advice and rewrite chapter 1 with a character I can relate to, and if you do, let me know and I'll come back and read it again. And if you have any questions about anything, feel free to PM me and I'll help however I can. And let me know if you want me to go over chapter 1 more thoroughly or not. Hopefully, I'll be seeing you around.
2845417
Thank you for commenting. I am glad to finally get feedback, and to receive it from someone with your obvious skill could be very helpful.
I am intending to do a rewrite of this story, though I might not be able to get to it soon, as I have both the sequel to this story and another story on the side to complete. I have really bitten quite a large piece with this one.
I can understand your concerns with the story, I found many myself when I first reread it. Believe it or not, you are actually reading the revised copy. While it may not be finished, it is more complete than the original version. I am glad for the feedback, and will certainly be rewriting, eventually.
To be honest, this story was the original pilot for the series, but it wasn't the beginning. It was a test to see if I actually COULD write anything about these two characters. I believe that the story truly begins in, "A Circus At Cliffside".
The first chapter is odd, but if you wish, I'd like you to read the rest of the story. Of course, I do not force anything, but what I try to do in my story is to evolve them as they go. I leave the characters name out at first because I want the audience to know the character's feelings before they know the identity. This is just my opinion however, and is subject to change.
I was actually kind of disappointed by this story. I set the second one a month later so that I could sort of start fresh, though now I feel I am a bit of a better writer. I didn't want to delete this one because it is truly my original thinking behind the characters, but they have changed a bit in the second story. I am building them there, and while I do intend to repair this story, I likely will not be able to soon.
If I have interested you, you could try the second story, and correct me there, as that is my current writing style. Any rewriting that I do here will be in my current style, so I would be greatly pleased if you would be so kind as to correct my writing there.
Once again, thank you so much for the feedback, and keep it coming, please.
You're very welcome!
One of my favorite things about MLP and this fandom is it gets people who would never attempt to write wanting to try. I love helping people who have a desire to learn almost as much as I love writing.
There is so much wrong with this, but I'm only going to focus on the two biggest problems.
Firstly, you have no POV character. This is a must for every single scene of your story. Without a POV character, your reader has nothing to draw them into the story, no one to relate to, and they will lose interest. The reader doesn't want a list of emotions thrown at them, they want to experience the story through the characters. They want to see though the POV's eyes, feel the POV's emotions, and you can only accomplish this by establishing a strong character at the start of your story. Readers won't feel sad for this character because you want them to, they will only feel sad if you make them feel sad.
Secondly, I don't know how familiar you are with Show vs Telling, but this is all telling. You don't have even a single line of showing in the entire chapter. And this is, once again, because you have no character development. Reread the chapter, you'll notice that it is nothing more than a list of feelings. You are literally telling us everything and preventing the story from speaking for itself. You've basically tied and gagged the character and shoved her in a closet and are trying to tell the story without her. If Show vs Telling confuses you, I will be more than happy to go over it more thoroughly with you.
I'll give A Circus at Cliffside a read since it is the one you are currently working on, and I'll leave my thoughts in the comments. Know that I will always be truthful, but never hurtful, so if it ever feels like I am insulting your work, I'm not.
I do have a special request for you. I don't normally self-promote on others' pages, but I would really like you to read my story Love Your Difference. The reason why I want you to read that specific story is: 1. because it is the story I referred to that is very dear to me, and 2. I wrote it for non-bronies. Meaning that I treat the Mane Six like OCs. I want you to read it and pay attention to how I handle the characters. The way I introduce them and describe who they are and what they're feeling. I think you could learn a lot from it.
Anyway, my two year old is fusing now, so I gotta go. I'm not sure when I'll get around to reading your story; I'm very busy writing my own right now, and have someone else waiting on me to edit their piece, but I'll try to get to it within the week. Until then, happy reading/writing!
2845417
Actually, now that I reread your comment, and have had a short time to think. I believe that I can make time to rewrite. I may not be able to change major plot elements, as that would disrupt the plot in the second story. But I will be able to give it more heart.
Thanks for making me think. I will inform you when I have released an rewritten first chapter. I will likely correct some of the issues you have stated.
Also, you are right about my listing emotions and nothing more. I must correct this immediately. Though I warn you, once the two main characters get together the story shares the perspective between the two of them. You may take issue with that, but that is one element that I do not plan to change. However, you are right about the POV, I just couldn't see how wrong I was.
2846015
No, you shouldn't change any plot elements, or even the characters, just make them more realistic and believable. You're just going to change scenes a bit and add more detail. The story shouldn't change at all.