Announcement · 1:35am Jan 30th, 2015
A few of you folks have been good enough to grace me with your time. Some have been even better and pointed out a few flaws or thing I overlooked, ranging from mixing up Sabrina Galloway with another lady, the height of the buildings in Manehattan to even grammatical errors. But this here just tells me I need to fix some things.
Alright, I read through the story and the blackbox, and these are my impressions.
First thing that struck me, and I'm very sorry for it, is that the grammar, the ponctuation, and sentences construction is just sometimes plain horrible. After you said you got an editor I thought it would get better. It did get better, but it's still terribly off sometimes. You might think it is a minor issue, but I assure you it's terribly distracting. I had to take a lot of time reading it because, in all fairness, it got on my nerves sometimes, and I simply could not continue to read it without banging my head on a wall. Another point : some words are off, feel off, and do no contribute towards making it nice to read. A lot of repetition and re-use of the same word in one sentence can also be noted. Again, it makes your story even harder to read.
Now that this point is out of the way, let's speak about the story.
I actually rather like it. It's a nice change to the usual crossover/humans in equestria basic plot. There are a few things that put me off as well in this, though. The action scenes are far too long, and not intense enough. Don't get me wrong : I love action scenes. A lot. I love reading them, and I love writing theme. But yours were a bit long, and we didn't feel implicated enough. The reason of that is simple : it's because it's a very visual thing. Especially Prototype action, which is very cinematic and gory. It doesn't work as well in a written story.
The plus side of this : the story is extremely likeable. I can see why you got so much success with it. It's visceral, gory, almost exhilirating, and it is paced nicely. Also, you stay true to the characters. Mercer is excellent, Heller is his usual self, although he swears an awful lot. Too much. In the game he didn't, so I assume you added it in here. It gets distracting as well.
Another thing that comes to mind : you do not develop the characters enough. Now, seeing this is a crossover, it *could* be fine, but you basically get sucked into their fight without knowing much about them. I'm not saying to do the whole character establishment again, but a bit of background and backstory would have been nice.
Last thing, and not a small one. The massive clash between the MLP and Prototype universe is probably your biggest strong point. It's a very good choice, and despite all the writing problems, it's extremely pleasant. It works, as strange as the idea is, and that's a big plus. You make it work very, very well. You inserted the plot of Prototype, and added a twist to it. And it functions very well. A big up for that.
My final opinion : with a big polish, this could easely be one of the best stories I've seen around. I am a Prototype fan though, and don't forget that the story, by definition, will exclude some people who are not familiar with it. But the grammar, the writing, and a few other wonky elements that I mentioned, stop this story from reaching its true potential.
PS : I think you're not a native english speaker. Whilst I am right or not, I think your editor should have corrected a lot of the mistakes I saw. Including on the old chapters.
Upon review of my chapters I do have to agree with the grammar part. There are faults in it, due to my stupidity looking them over and my editor always being half asleep when I get on, whether its from him just waking up or getting ready to go down.
So what I'm saying is I'm going on slight hiatus until I can fix these bloody faults of mine. It's going to take me a while so if anyone would like to speed up the fixing please do, just don't sit around and wait for me to finish. Just because I can throw these out fast don't mean I can fix them even half as fast. Then there's a couple of you that disagree with me, by all means PM me and we can discuss this out of sight of the readers, whether it's how I write or the story itself.
You did that quote wrong. This is how (replace the w with q). [wuote] blah blah blah [/wuote]
I have no clue what he's talking about there. Heller swore a fuck-ton.
I'd be more than happy to talk story with you, if your willing.
2756835 One thanks with the quote and two yes I'd be more than willing to discuss the fanfic, given how I am NOT looking forward to fixing my stuff...
I'll gladly help, I'm not that experienced but I'll help anyway I can. I've played both games more than any other.
2757908 Thanks for the offer when I get away from my work computer and back to my home one I'll send ya a link to help out.
2757952 Okay, I'll be waiting.