It's getting close to that time again... · 11:22am Jan 17th, 2015
Getting closer and closer to February.
I'm just, I don't know, usually I go on fine like nothing happened almost a year ago. Sometimes my mood is like, like I'm the old me again, but then I know that there's something missing.
That something is my mom, she... I see her sometimes in my dreams, and when I do, she's disappointed in me for changing so much.
I used to be bold, and strong and sure. Ready for action in the drop of a hat, and self aware of everything I had to do to survive and take the lead. Sure, I was mostly quiet, and shy and was content to follow, but in the end of it all, I was so independent from what others thought, that I basically did what I wished with myself.
Now, now look at me. I can't even write a comedy story. My most popular story is slipping away from me, all because I can't feel like I did before. She haunts my mind, not for guilt of what I did, I know I did the right thing, everyone tells me that. No, it's what I'm doing now that she's angry over.
I let my family walk all over me now. The family I have left, my brother, my dad... hell, sometimes even my grandmother gives me a run through with her words. And I take it. I always take it, and then I say I'm sorry at the end of it all. At work, I get cut hours from my time sheet because they forgot to write them down sometimes, and when I get paid and point it out, they tell me to take it or if I want to debate about it I could quit. They push me around so much, I mean, they have me deliver food in my car... and I do it, because I'm too spineless to tell them no.
Too weak to tell my family no. anybody...
I get paid, and my cash is gone before I even had taken care of any one thing I wanted to do. I can't save for anything, hell I give my brother an allowance just for existing, because my grandmother says I should. I pay for his cell phone bill, his electricity use, I mean, hell, I only ever use one light at a time when I'm up, and when I entertain myself, I only use one electronic if I will do so. But he plays video games all day, and that raises the electricity. So I pay.
Oh yes, I pay for him, and I conserve for myself, I save and try not to use anything from the house. I buy the food, snacks, drinks whatever they want if I got the cash, I get it.
People wonder why I smoke, well there you go, I'm stressed beyond belief. I'm not allowed to go out by myself, not to a bar or club or anything, and that's my bread and butter, to hang out in bars and meet people.
And she shakes her head in my dreams. Because I changed. I let them do this to me. Because I'm scared now.
Scared of destitution, homelessness, scared of being without a job, a car, a phone, a brother, losing people I love to death... Oh yes, death, I fear it now, like I never feared anything before or since.
And yet, I still try to crank out the funny, I try to make others laugh, I let people I know in my life make me the but of their jokes. I know the Indians I work with talk about me in Punjab, you can't disguise my name when you say "Scott" in the middle of something I don't understand, then laugh.
And I let them.
Someone thinks I need to be evaluated in a mental hospital, because I'm too immature, all I care about are my "stupid stories and cartoon horses and comic books, and that god damn convention in San Francisco."
Yeah, I have a passion for those things. But I'm not immature, I've had to grow up fast at a late age, I admit that. But there's some things that I've done that nobody should have had to go through. Because I love my family.
People talk down to me, talk about me, treat me bad, and expect more from me.
And I let them, and I give it to them.
And she shakes her head at me in my dreams.
Shit, man. I can honestly say I know exactly what you're on about. This February will be six years since I buried my dad. No, it doesn't get easier. But the first year is the hardest. After that you just sort of make room for the heartache.
I really don't know what to say, I wish I could help you in some way, but I'm not a psychologist. You're an absolutely amazing author, that much I can say, don't let what's going on at home bring you too much, it isn't effecting the quality of your stories. I hope you realize that you'll always have this wonderful community to talk to. Sorry for not being able to say much more than how To help you.