My Review of Daetrin's "Apotheosis" (Part 2) · 10:37pm Jan 11th, 2015
Ahh, at last! In the spirit of actually reading things before reviewing them, I have finally finished the last half of this story. My previous comments still stand... they were limited to matters of technique and mechanical accuracy, which is easily judged after sampling only a portion of someone's writing.
This part of the review will focus on matters of plot, characterization, and theme. And although I don't feel the need to revise my previous comments, I do feel better equipped to explain and defend them.
Plot and Story
I said it before, and I don't feel any particular need to defend or excuse myself: I really like this story. The plot explores several discreet adventures, loosely connected by an overarching theme, and everything that happens is conveyed in a magnificent wash of vibrant language. The description is clearly the strongest element at work here, and it does a fantastic job of imbuing events with a mythic, otherworldly presence that perfectly complements the themes of godhood and divine power. These characters are not merely powerful: they are unknowable, and partly suffused in the realm of symbolism and metaphor. They influence reality through sheer force of will.
I'm still a little pouty that the story spells everything out for me in excruciating detail... I'm not allowed to interpret anything myself, or come to my own conclusions, and this makes it difficult to slog through. But if this is the price I pay for the magnificent descriptions, then I'll consider it a more than fair trade.
Characters and Relationships
This side of things is a little weaker. The dialogue doesn't compare favorably to the description. Character's spoken lines are serviceable at best, and often poorly integrated with the narration. Again, highly subjective: Perhaps the dialogue seems merely "okay" to me because it's juxtaposed with description that ranks as "deliciously superb."
There is one thing that stands out to me: the Romance tag. Characters and relationships are very important to me, and I take it personally when a story fails to deliver on its promise... so this is one detail I refuse to let go of. You can't argue that the romance aspect of this story was pretty shaky. Except for one solitary physical interaction and the contents of the epilogue, you could easily remove the Romance tag entirely and nothing would have been lost. In fact, until those two exceptions, the story stood out to me as an absolutely perfect "Friendshipping" fic. Luna and Twi stuck together because they were thrust into danger, and they grew closer because of it. Twilight is exposed to all manner of Luna's hidden secrets and powerful emotions, and Luna in turn witnesses the lengths that Twilight will go to when protecting her friends. Near the start of the story, the two characters are nervous and hesitant... they frighten each other, and the sting of their terrible battle is still fresh in their minds. It's marvelous watching them slowly unfold together, like flowers in bloom.
Why, then, did the author feel the need to "ruin" it all with a kiss? One of the fundamental pillars of My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic is the idea that it is okay for people to be just friends, and not lovers. This powerful experience should have strengthened Twilight's and Luna's friendship. But instead, it to blossomed into full-on romance at the very last moment. If there were subtle hints of romance along the way, then I must have misinterpreted them as hints of a powerful and long-lasting friendship. This is a disservice to everybody: people who want lots of Twiluna romance might become bored by the incredibly long leadup, and the absence of tired and overused romance clichés. Those looking for a show-accurate adventure romp will certainly be thrown off by the "and then they kissed" event horizon.
I'm not a big consumer of romance or shipping, so I'm not the best judge of whether this worked. But I can tell you that, although the romance was quite jarring and the narration was a little too rich and unsubtle for my tastes, I still enjoyed this story quite a bit. If you are a big fan of romance, shipping, and Twiluna in particular, please leave your comments below. I'd love to hear your opinions on how this story handled the budding relationship.
Side by Side Comparison
So how does Daetrin's story stack up against mine? Let us put them both in a jar, shake said jar, and then proceed to watch them fight. I consumed his review of my own story with great relish, and noticed several similarities and differences:
(1) My story is a comedy, which Daetrin freely admits is hard to write. His story involves romance, which I freely admit is hard to write.
(2) Daetrin admits that my story's strength is in its dialogue, whereas my description of scenes and characters is very sparse and understated. I admit that Daetrin's story's strength is in its rich, vibrant descriptions, while his dialogue feels plain and serviceable at best.
(3) His story explores the idea of what it is to be a goddess: a luminous being, partly overlapping with the realm of abstract ideas. My story makes frequent mention of such intriguing concepts, but doesn't explore or exhibit them to the fullest extent.
(4,a) Some of his comments, I agree with: He mentions that the arguments Pinkie Pie use to trick the serpent are old rehashes of the writings of Aquinas, which an yself-respecting serpent should have been aware of. To which I respond: Who the heck is Aquinas?
Ooooooh. I see. I freely admit, this is merely a failing on my part. I wrote it based on what I knew, and Daetrin's superior knowledge of philosophy and religion has laid bare its unrealized potential. I now feel compelled to dig deeper, and thereby learn more about what the great minds of the past have said about the topic that my silly little fluff piece dances around.
(4,b) Others of his comments, I disagree with: He finds deep fault with my claim that "dragons in Equestria represent sin." I refer you, then, to Secrt of My Excess," wherein Spike grows in strength, size and power as he indulges in the sin he embodies. I imply the wrong sin--greed, rather than pride, both of which are heavily attributed to dragons--but the underlying concept certainly holds water.
Now, Before I give my final verdict, there is one thing I must do... something I have been putting off for some time now, for fear of contaminating my own opinions with those of others.
Time to Read the Royal Canterlot Library 's Article!
They mention something that never even occurred to me before now: World building.
That's not quite the word I'd use. The scenes he establishes are absolutely magnificent: the glass clockwork in chapter 3 in particular took my breath away. But in a way, he's not really building worlds... he's establishing backstory. Every place we visit is a physical manifestation of something from Luna's past, and it's literally come back to haunt her. Whether it's a long-forgotten monster, a prisoner long past his sentence, or a difficult personal truth to confront, these places are all an excuse to explore a part of a character.
I previously complained that his language was too blatant and unsubtle for my tastes... but perhaps this "worldbuilding" of his was the ultimate sleight of hand. I hate it when people shovel huge blobs of backstory right in my face, and yet here, Daetrin has done the exact opposite with grace and elegance. Maybe this was why I loved this story, despite having great difficult slogging through it: I dislike it on the sentence and paragraph level, but once I pull back and examine the big picture, I completely adore it.
The interview with Daetrin himself is also very enlightening. He addresses a lot of the same concerns I mentioned above, but I won't go into it point by point. Instead, I heartily recommend you go read it now.
Final, Final Verdict (For Realsies This Time)
Which story is better? I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I'm not sure I have any concrete answers. Both clearly play to their strength, and have their weaknesses: Daetrin's focuses on description over dialogue, while mine is nearly the reverse. His was hampered by a somewhat clumsy romance, and mine was held back by my ignorance about the underlying issues. They are what they are.
I'm certainly willing to admit that, by reading and reviewing his story, I feel I have been uplifted a little. I don't like romance, but I enjoyed the interaction between characters . I don't like overwrought and unsubtle dialogue, but I found plenty to enjoy here. The story itself was difficult to swallow, and required a great deal of tough chewing... but I found it rewarding. My story, on the other hand, was meant to be a highly opinionated piece about opinions themselves, rather than a true, in-depth analysis of the underlying concepts. I write about these ideas because I find them deeply fascinating, but I'm certainly no expert. Daetrin's superior knowledge of the topic probably made it difficult to enjoy my own simplified, opinionated story for the piece of comedic fluff it is. In fact, he probably suffered a slight drop in his intelligence quotient simply due to exposure.
So, then... I guess my story did the most damage.
Hesitantly thrusts his fist in the air
...Woo-hoo?
EDIT: Though I was disappointed that the mysterious, monstrous pony creature that Luna created from the splinter of non-existance wasn't further explored. It feels like this was the only character in the entire story that wasn't fleshed-out and interesting. Will it make an appearance in the sequel? I must know.
You guys should write a collab together.
Seriously, I would read the shit out of that story.
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Team up with my bitter rival? I dunno... has that ever been done before? :p
The romance angle was my only real complaint on my first reading of Apotheosis. I'm down for TwiLuna as much as the next guy (I see them as parallels in their respective royal sisterhoods), but I didn't feel the buildup in that direction. Not that I intend to beat him up over it, mind you. Trudging through gorgeous wordsmithing, amazing depth of story, and an excellent build of Luna before she had any real screen time was well worth a left-field romance.
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Mario and Bowser did it once to great effect.
For what it's worth, the pony-thing will be somewhat familiar to those who have read H.P. Lovecraft's The Colour Out Of Space, and is meant to be a taste of the genuinely Lovecraftian horror. It is something sideways to morality, and if it commits an act of evil that is merely our perception of the thing, not something to be truly judged.
...and of course when a lovecraftian horror runs up against a genuine god things do not go so well for it.
My thoughts on the romance are of course in the interview but I'll freely admit, especially at this distance, that it's trajectory is somewhat misaimed. But I'm trying to do better on romances!
Wait wait wait what? Appletheosis was a comedy? It seemed kinda dark to me the whole time. O_o;