Goodbye · 10:18pm Jan 7th, 2015
This might be my last post. It's not a suicide note, but it may be a death sentence. For those who don't know, my name is Devon Sweet. I'm 17 years old. I live with my mom, my brother, two dogs, two cats and a leopard gecko on a horse farm in Ontario.
Recently, I've been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I've been going to different counselors for over a year now - Lutherwood, where it took the lady three visits to remember my name, Qualia, where nothing really happened for the greater part of a year, and now to a child psychiatrist who specializes in anxiety and who's name I've forgotten. And, because we spend so long talking to someone who didn't help with anything, it's now my fault that I haven't been fighting better and I have been presented with an ultimatum.
Hospitalization or medication.
Being taken away from everyone and everything I love and hold dear and be forced into an existence I loathe, or take medication that tastes like satan's asshole while I'm paranoid about medication in general and while it's horrifically expensive and I don't think it works anyway.
Failure to choose one results in the other. Making choices without your daughter present is a great way to create a healthy and trusting relationship, you know. Especially when failure to choose means taking away your daughter's one connection with the outside world to try and make her try harder.
That's right - after 9 tonight, no computer. No writing, no music, no games, no friends, no drawing, no Briar Nexus. I won't be able to play Flight Rising, or go on Skype, or write my stories, or draw, or reach out for help. Basically, we're taking away my lifeline so I can sink deeper into a pit of self-hatred and loathing because that's Good Parenting™.
So I'm not going to be posting for a while. Probably a really, really long time. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm such a failure that I can't even do take fucking medication. I'm sorry that I let everyone waiting for Briar Nexus down. I hope one day I can get it up, and I hope you'll forgive me.
You are not a failure and you have nothing to be sorry for. We don't need to forgive you, because there is nothing to forgive. All of us have tough times in life, some worse than others and its at these times that we are at our worst and think the worst of ourselves. But you've gotta be strong and show the world that you won't let it drag you down. You're bigger than this, bigger than everything thats against you and I refuse to believe that this is going to be an end to something amazing. Its been proven time and time again throughout history that troubled souls find peace in self-expression such as art or writing. Hell, writing is how I've maintained my sanity, but thats a story for another time. I've been on that road though, the one paved with useless pills that taste like ass and only make the situation worse, my solution to my depression was writing. Taking this away from you is the worse thing they can do to you and forcing you to choose is only going to worsen your anxiety. If they were really trying to help you then they would realize that. Maybe they are trying to help, but they are going the wrong way about it. Sure, we may not see you for a good long while, but don't even dare think that any of this is your fault.
I realize that we never really talked much, but you are absolutely not a failure. Things will have changed when you do come back, but the friendship we have won't
You are not a failure by any measure. If anything, you are a brilliant success.
Whatever may happen in the future, remember to look at each sunrise with a smile. Even if you don't want to smile, it can be all one needs to find the happiness in themselves to mean it.
no..... dont go....
I had a friend who went through a similar thing, and he went through rehab -- he recovered, and little by little is recognizing what amazingness life has to offer, and how much he has. He would have completely regretted abandoning his life and everything he had. He said that he wanted people to ask "Are you treating yourself well?" He would constantly beat himself up and think of himself worthless and that life only gave pain, thinking he didn't live up to expectations.
Please realize that we care for you, and that you are so incredibly beautiful and amazing. You have so much to live for, and all our hearts are with you. You aren't defined by others -- you are defined by who you want to be and how.
You can, and you will make it through.
Best of luck to you then. I hope your situation gets better.
Almost all I can say would just repeat what the others here already said. But no matter what happens, you can be sure of one thing: We will wait until you return, no matter how long it takes. And even though it was said before, you are geat and you are a great writer. If anyone calls you a failure they are wrong. I kind of know how you feel since my life was ruled by desease for some years. The saddest thing is that most if not all of us won't be able to support you in person. So I want to give you something on the way through this.
Please remember that as long as you don't give up you can and will get through this and you will get better.
I know that this will probably not help, but if you can think of annything we can do to help, write another blog or PM some of us, if you can. We'll be here and do what we can to help, even if it's just hoping.
Chaos never dies and neither should your will and hope.
EDIT: Try doing sports in case you don't already do that. It helped me a lot.
I only wish I could actually help, instead of merely spew words at the screen and hope they make you feel an ounce better.
I didn't talk that much to you during all of this time, but I can sort of relate to you in some way. No one's a failure in this life, really. The only person that can say and judge who you are is yourself, not anyone else, hope you know that. Between the last three years, I've always thought that every single human being in existence has potential to become something in life. Not everything's wasted down the sewer just because of a single mistake, you always have to get up and try again and hope to get it right the next time. Not everyone falls under the same rock twice, y'know. I do acknowledge that what I'm saying has no sense to most, but I'm trying to cheer you up in the least part.
Besides all of this, I hope you do feel better though. Things like this aren't easy to overcome.
Good luck.
Like everyone else here, I can only wish you luck and hope for the best. My brother's going through something similar, so I understand some of what you must be feeling. You're not a failure, and you have the rest of your life to correct any mistakes you think you've made so far. Just keep that in mind. I hope you'll pull through.