Revoking my last chapter

Too much hate. I want this to be a successful story, and if I'm not appealing to my readers, then that's not possible. I'm going to rework some things and republish. It may take a while, but I'm going to make sure people like this chapter, as well as the story as a whole. What I've done will most assuredly happen still, but it's going to be done differently. I apologize to all of you.

Comments

[MythrilMoth]

Yeah, it just didn't...work the way it was. It was too sudden, too violent, and too dark.

[Twidashforever]

wow,,, no idea what happened but if i did that I would have had to rework the entire story…

Was it hate over what occurred, or hate for OOC behavior?

[MythrilMoth]

2680462 After 8 mostly slice-of-life chapters, out of nowhere we get a villain and a lot of dead ponies and there was really no build-up to it whatsoever. It was completely at odds with the tone of the story.

[LightningBass94]

2680460 So I've been told. When people begin to leave an otherwise popular story, something is wrong, so I'm going to change things up a bit. After all, I wrote the part that no one cared for, but my name wasn't the only one on that chapter. I'd hate to not only ruin my own story, but Justice's reputation as well. I promise I'll make it better. I know I can. I'm better than that.

...

I need to stop publishing things at 3 in the morning, night shift or no...

[Twidashforever]

2680467

Ah… kk. No real foreshadowing at play, no real build up, no idea why it's happening.

I get it now. Yeah, that would be strange

[MythrilMoth]

2680469 Hey, we all get backlash from time to time. I got backlash for introducing a plot arc in "So...What Now?", so I can understand what you're going through. All too well. I'm not saying don't introduce a plot arc, but the way you just dropped it like an atomic bomb...yeah.

[LightningBass94]

2680483 No, I get what you're saying. I totally understand. I suppose I just wasn't thinking about that. I was thinking about progressing the story further, but not about how I should go about doing so. Trust me, you weren't the only one to call me out on it. Some did so quite vehemently.

[IncinerateChicken]

I would recommend rather than deleting it, leaving it up as an alternate, non-canon "Bad End."

[Pickleless]

What? No! I haven't it! Noooooooo-

[LightningBass94]

2680676 I would, but it's nowhere near the end of the story... like, at all.

[IncinerateChicken]

2680784
The "Bad End" doesn't have t be at the end, chronologically. Honestly, I just want to read it and see why it was so bad.

[LightningBass94]

2680851

After 8 mostly slice-of-life chapters, out of nowhere we get a villain and a lot of dead ponies and there was really no build-up to it whatsoever. It was completely at odds with the tone of the story.

Yyyyyeah...this kinda came way out of left field and was a bit too sudden and too dark. A little build-up to this guy would've been nice...to say nothing of the casual, offhand mention of dead ponies in the middle of all this.

This completely broke the mood of the story for me. I'm out.

"Sudden" is the word I would use. The issue that I have — and I suspect that other people have as well — is that there was no build-up to this particular scene; it just happens. Had it happened in the first or second or even third chapter, maybe even the fourth, no problem. We're on chapter 8; by that point, we already have a sense of what our story is going to be.

That's fine if there are hints along the way. Not even scenes showing stuff, but even just mentions of, "Hey, there are these things that are happening, and they're kind of weird, but it's probably nothing to worry about." Incorporating that sets readers up to think, "This is our story, I think, but there are these others things that will probably enter play in a bit."

This didn't feel like a progression of the story, or the payoff of detective work for paying attention to a string of hints I was left, but like opening my locker to get my lunch and getting chloroformed by Dr. McNinja. There was no buildup to show that it would happen, or even just hints to indicate that it might happen; it just happened, and it took me out of the story to much to get back into it.

Talk about two-bit villain... He's wasteful.

The guy has just attacked Twilys palace, several ponies are dead, claiming he has hostages and all he does is standing there making a request to meet her in 72 hours.

He's pretty much going. "Oh, hi! I'm a dramatic villain so I'm just going to create some havoc and then give you and the rest of the former elements three days to call up Tia and Lulu, rustle up the royal guard and give you the opportunity to study and magic up a way to defeat me"

When he Instead could've gone. "Hi. I've got X, Y, and Z captured. Come with me Now or they're dead. What? No? Alright, that's X dead. Will you come with me Now?"

And that makes him a two-bit villain unless he has a Very good reason to do all of this.

The reviews pretty well sum it up.

[Crystal Moose]

Awww man, I missed the drama! That'll teach me for spending time with my wife and child at christmas!

[LightningBass94]

2681449 Lol. Trust me, Moose; you didn't miss anything worth the first Christmas with your baby girl. That must have been such a huge thing for you!

[Crystal Moose]

2681459
She shat on me when I took her in the shower.

My daughter, that is, not my wife.

YAY CHRISTMAS!

[LightningBass94]

2681588 That's hilarious!

[Autobot Robrony]

As much as I hate to say this, I have to jump on the band wagon of, "Well that was a sudden WTF moment." For the most part I thought that this story was solely going to be a Slice of Life story. A story where Sunset has to re-readjust to life back in Equestria, making new friends through Twilight's, reestablishing relations with Celestia, and deal with her feelings (if this is still a Twilight/Sunset shipfic) for Twilight.

I will admit that in the recent chapter Pinkie was WAY too annoying then usual, more so then what she should be INCLUDING how she behaved in A Friend Indeed episode.

Then there was the sudden intro to the villain. I hate to beat a dead horse but the bad guy sounded too generic. There no buildup whatsoever, it would be appropriate to give hints in early chapters, like a radio broadcast, new papers articles, letters from Celestia informing Twilight, ponies expressing concern, I don't know something to give us a build up before going all in.

As I stated I though the story works better as a Slice of Life story for Sunset back Equestria. I still like it, I'll continue to read it, you still have my fav and thumb.

Just read the premise of Let the Sun Shine, and there was no indication that the story would include ADVENTURE or DARK tags. You might want to include those if that is how you want the story to go that direction. Not to mention add in something to the premise like, "As Sunset Shimmer deals with her life back in Equestia, her return awakens an ancient evil bent in destroying a home she's return to." If you want to use a bad guy without going too generic I say go with Sunset's demon form being reawakened and taking possession or through some unholy magic, the demon is freed from Sunset and reeks its own havoc.

[LightningBass94]

2682374 The villain may have sounded generic, but seeing as the original MLP created him, and not me, that's not exactly my fault. That being said, I've already decided to make that into its own story altogether. Lol. The bandwagon you're trying to jump on has already left. Thank you for your input though, and I do mean that sincerely.

Edit: The Pinkie lines are staying, though.