Floored! 3 · 12:42am Dec 10th, 2014
Floored!: Scarves
Hey, check it out, it's the FIMfic equivalent to the romanticomedy trend! And just like films of that nature, this story looks like the product of a weekend lock-in where the author was told about the topic AFTER arriving! I like to picture a one-door shed, its window boarded up, with a man crawling out of it come Monday morning reeking of stale coffee and broken spirits. For some reason, he has a rusted chainsaw tied to his leg and is dragging it out with him. The entire scenario raises a lot of questions, yes?
Yes, it's bad. Like, real bad. Like "why did I agree to this?" bad.
Let's start with the premise. The Sparkle family (Is it right to call them the "Sparkles" when the story only gives the name "Sparkle" to Twilight Sparkle? Parents are Night Light and Twilight Velvet, brother is Shining Armor. This bugs me any time I see it.) is awaiting the arrival of Princess Cadence so they can all visit a retreat for Christmas Day. This happens to take place when Twilight is merely three, so the family still has a solid yet building relationship with Cadence herself. A few games ensue, a family dinner is enjoyed, and it's topped off with a photo to commemorate the occasion.
On its own, that premise isn't too bad. Considering what we've seen of the Sparkle siblings during Twilight's younger years ("Neigh Anything" anyone?), a lot of funny tidbits can be drawn and forged for the purpose of earning a laugh. And since we've seen less than thirty seconds of actual show screen time for the parents, I'm perfectly content with writing them out of the story for nine paragraphs.
So here's a question. Where, oh where, does this story go wrong?
Answer: The second goddamn sentence.
A little lavender colored filly peered out the window. She had been doing this for hours now, or at least that's what it seemed like to Shining Armour, the lavender filly Twilight Sparkle's big brother.
That red flag, sprung up so early in the prose, told me much of what I needed to know: this was gonna be a struggle.
Let's talk about the writing style. This fic has a lot of pieces that try to work, but end up falling over themselves or each other because they ALL want your attention. It's not even a question of spelling or punctuation, because there really aren't that many. No, the problem in the writing style is that it's so wooden. It's plain and direct and hasn't an ounce of flair anywhere. Instead of allowing you a glimpse into the Sparkle slice of life, you're instead fed facts as boring as a lecture about a plastic fork.
"Well, here we are," Shining stated plainly.
That line perfectly sums up the feeling I had once I read it. "Here I am. Gazing around this lecture hall and barely droning out the voice of the fork-professor. I don't know why I'm here or what I'm meant to do. This isn't even boring, it's frustrating. Nothing is happening."
Does FIMfic have an age restriction? Because I'm pretty sure Scarves would count as a second-grader's homework assignment. You can easily tell that some effort was made to correct spelling and some of the basics, but as a consequence, the characters end up flat and uninteresting. No extra time was given to their depictions, and it stands out like a garish yellow weed in a lush green field. In fact, make that a patch of weeds, because some of the situations in which the characters are written are also quite aggravating.
Take a look at this passage:
"We're here!" Velvet said excitedly. "Well, not that you didn't know that, but still." She hopped out of the carriage and came to the house's porch. The rest of the family followed, with Cadence. Velvet levitated the key from out under an upside-down flower pot, it was gold. She inserted it into the lock, and the door opened.
I count no less than six errors in this paragraph. And this is one of the few where action is underway! The characters are doing something, even if it's something as mundane as going from point A to point B. Even if I forgive the adverb "excitedly" (and I typically do, since I'm a sinner of the same), the other five issues are hardly beyond reproach. There's the first one, the adverb, but the next with Velvet moving from one spot to the next is written as though she's coming to, not going from. The comma in sentence four is unnecessary, the mistake of "from out under" is annoying, the key is written as though it were already introduced, and the dangling participle in "it was gold" is just plain maddening! I mean, really now! "Velvet levitated the key from out under an upside-down flower pot, it was gold." WHAT was gold? The flower pot, or the key?
Want another?
"Hey, mom?" The unicorn said loudly behind Velvet.
"Ahhh! Twily, don't sneak up on me. Now what did you want to ask me?" Velvet practically jumped out of her fur. Shining smirked. Twily was very good at surprising ponies like that.
"I was wondering if you had any train schedules. I don't see why Cadence isn't here yet!" Twilight practically groaned.
Velvet rolled her eyes. "Now honey, be patient. But I do actually have train schedules." She brought one from the space beside her and opened it. "Ah, she should be here in perhaps five minutes, the latest? Or less."
This one doesn't have as many errors. I count three, and two of them are very minor (capitalization and sentence structure). The third, really, is an issue with characterization itself. Riddle me this: why does Velvet call her daughter by using her son's nickname for her? "Twily" has always been unique between the brother-sister dynamic of the show. I grant that we've never seen anything between the parents and their family, so someone could just as easily argue in favor of Velvet using it.
So why, then, does EVERY CHARACTER call her this way? Twilight Velvet calls her daughter "Twily," Night Light calls his daughter "Twily," and even Cadence calls her "Twily." Not only does this poorly shunt Shining Armor's characterization onto the others, it also lessens the impact of it altogether. The nickname's meaning is divided among four characters, and they each can never realize the whole thing.
There's also a minor-but-definite issue with timing in the story. One particular scene has the kids enjoying a snowball fight in the yard, with Twilight immediately passing out from happy exhaustion when the game is done. That's fine and good, except that we're told the game lasted two hours in a scene long after the fight proper. In addition, the family itself seems indecisive in their activities, as they go to take a group photo literally seconds after sitting down to dinner.
Don't believe me?
"Does it look good?" Velvet asked her husband anxiously.
"Of course it looks good! Practically the best Christmas Eve dinner in all our years!" Night Light exclaimed wondrously. "Let's dig in!" Twilight requested to sit by Cadence and Shining, Night Light sat next to Cadence and Velvet sat next to Shining.
"How did your snowball fight go?" Night asked as he bit into a daisy sandwich.
Cadence and Shining exchanged glances. "Well, there wasn't really a winner. We went for about two hours, you know, but none of us seemed to be losing, so we called it a tie." Shining explained.
Night nodded in understanding, as Twililight piped up, "Mom, thank you for such a delicious dinner!" She stuffed a hay fry in her mouth.
"Why thank you, Twily!" Velvet smiled. "But right now, it's time for Christmas Pictures. I want you to all stand by the door. Shining and Cadence in the middle, Twily next to Cadence and Night next to Shining." She directed. "Oh, and you too," She pointed at Twilight and Shining, "Make sure you have your scarves on. It's always good to have holiday cheer!"
I was angry by this point. Angry and frustrated and tired of viewing this lecture about a plain, plastic fork. Believe me when I say that I desperately wanted to abandon this story altogether. Just drop it and move on, yeah? The only thing that kept me going was the knowledge that I wanted to review it, so this is the last step before I close the door on this one.
And yes, this review is a want, not a need. Because as I've said, the story does have a good premise and very few basic errors to speak of. Its main sin is not trying. This one just doesn't try to stand out. It covers the bare minimum of plot development, addresses its own continuity after the fact, and leaves much to be desired to the point that you feel emptier coming out than you would going in. This is, in every sense of the phrase, a first-draft story.
What that means is the story needs a long session of revision. And not just edits and fixes - I mean re-envisioning the entire story. You can keep the bits of fluff between Shining Armor and Cadence. You can also keep Twilight Sparkle as a rambunctious toddler who immediately crashes after play. But please, PLEASE, re-think the situations in which the characters partake.
Make the second draft involve more family-centric activities. Bring in apple cider doughnuts. Toss in a longer scene with the fire. Or if not those (since SS&E already did that to spectacular effect), flesh out the scenes already written. There's a carriage ride - write about that! Night Light and Twilight Velvet prepare dinner - write about that! Shining Armor wakes up before Twilight and find himself practically alone with a sleeping Cadence - write about that! There's so much to uncover, and all that's between what the story is and what it could be is a bunch of junk. Seek out the nuggets of worth and make them shine!
Until then, there will be no real reason to consider this passable. A second-grader assignment? D-minus, see me after class.
Leoshi's impression: I'm so happy I can drop this one now.
Best scene: I know I called this a romaticomedy, but there's very little "romance" to speak of, and for that I'm glad! It gives better focus on the flustered Shining Armor.
Worst scene: Dinnertime-turned-photo opportunity. This scene makes me angry on so many levels.
Sin ranking: Heresy
Story overall: 1/10
I'm a whore. Read this.
Pfft. This is something I would expect to see out of the Nostalgia Critic's mouth.
Eight dweebs out of ten:
I was laughing at the dinner-photo-snowball fight rant. And I think the porch was gold. Or, maybe not. Ughh this story sounds so unclear. Maybe I should read it and see what not to do when wiriting a fanfic.
Anyway, this was a pretty good review. I only gave you an eight because you wrote: "I grant that we've never seen anything between the parents and their family."
Would have been better if your wrote "I guess that we've never seen anything bewteen the parents and thier family".
Keep it up good sir!
2647132 Hooo' boy. *Cracks knuckles* This is either gonna be really good or really weird.
2647237 Thankye!
2647512 Why not both?
And thank you.