" -The Hat Mann
The Cynical Brony: Episode 5: "Cupcakes Review" · 11:02pm Oct 18th, 2014
Hello, I'm The Cynical Brony, and I review it so you don't have to! I really don't want to do this, but for you guys, I will. You demanded it, waited for it to come, and now it's here. I'm finally reviewing Cupcakes. So, I went out and bought a big box of Hostess brand Cupcakes, so, let's get to reviewing it!
So, right off the bat, it's kind of boring. With rather plain colors, the only thing that'll catch your eye is the cupcake on the box. Well, that's a review done! Goodnight everybody! What, did you think I was going to review Sargent Sprinkle's story? Ha-ha!
See you next time!
CYNICAL
Gah! What the Hell was that?!
*A figure starts fading into the screen*
Derpy? Oh God, I've gone insane!
NO, CYNICAL. YOUR MIND IS FINE, BUT YOU HAVE ANGERED THE BRONY FANDOM WITH YOUR TROLLING.
No, I'm not going to review that overrated piece of trash!
THE FANDOM COMMANDS YOU!
Oh, then I guess I'll surrender my free will to a bunch of people on the internet I don't know! Besides, why are you even here?!
I AM THE EMBODIMENT OF THE BRONY FANDOM.
Okay, now go away! I'll review it, just stop shouting!
SORRY.
Okay, I guess I'm reviewing Cupcakes, thanks to your persistence. Let's stop procrastinating, and just start. I'm going to see how many lines into the story I can get through without thinking it's crap. "Cupcakes by Sergeant Sprinkles: World's Greatest Party Clown" Negative one lines before I already hate it! By this, I can already tell that he's just a troll.
ACTUALLY, HE'S STATED THAT IT WAS A BET HE MADE WITH HIS FRIENDS TO SEE IF HE COULD WRITE A GORY STORY INVOLVING MLP CHARACTERS.
First, I thought you said you were going to stop yelling! 2nd, that just makes it worse! The rules of FiM Fiction and the Creepypasta Wiki both state that no stories that are based on a single in-joke among friends can be published. In other words, he's breaking the rules across multiple sites. I don't know, let's just get into this garbage.
The first half of this story is incredibly boring. All it talks about is Dash flying around, and how happy she is to be alive. Even if I didn't read the story before hand, I would instantly know that she's going to die. Blah, blah, blah, until Dash gets to Sugarcube Corner.
“Yay, you’re here, you’re here."
Excuse me, I'm just going to borrow a joke from Mystery Pinkie Pie Theater 3000. "She sounds so excited, what with the lack of an exclamation mark and everything." Then we get some bad grammar and spelling issues. "allll", "sooooo" and "ok" are not words. I believe you mean "all", "so" and "Okay" or "OK". So far, the scariest part of the story is it's spelling.
"I mean, I almost forgot to breath I’ve been so happy.”
??? How could anyone ever forget to breath? Just, w-why?! WHY?! Why would you ever write a line so stupid, Sprinkles?
“ You betcha, Pinkie. You what do ya got planed? We gonna prank somebody? I got a couple of good ones I’ve been thinking about. Or maybe you got some stunts you think I should try? Or maybe…”
Sorry, gotta borrow another joke from MPPT3K. "You could edit poorly written stories? I know just which one to start with..." Yeah, as you can tell, this fic is so boring, I had to resort to using other reviewer's clever jokes to make this thing any fun.
“MAKING CUPCAKES!”
" Dash shrugged and popped the pastry in her mouth. She chewed a bit and swallowed. Not bad.
“Ok, now what?” Dash asked.
“Now,” Pinkie informed “You take a nap.”
Upon hearing that, Dash felt lightheaded.
Her world spun and ,seconds later, she dropped to the floor."
You've GOT to be kidding me. There is no drug on Earth or Equestria that can knock someone out in a single bite within 30 seconds. The only way that could happen would be if Pinkie combined a bunch of drugs together, but there's two ways it wouldn't work. 1. If she had that many drugs in her at once, Dash would have died. 2. Even if it didn't kill her, it would look less like a cupcake and more like a pile of pills, syringes, and chloroform filled rags, and Rainbow would immediately be suspicious! Sarge, you're an idiot. Then again, the "logic" isn't the worst part of the story so far. Onto the worst half of the fic. The first half, while illogical and boring, at least had some sense of decency. But this part? No.
"She tried to shake her head but found that the taut leather strap kept it firmly in place. She struggled to move, but the braces around her chest and limbs glued her to the upright planks. Her legs were spread wide apart. The only part of her not tied down were her wings as the frame was backless."
Because of course basic leather straps can hold down a world renown athlete who we've seen in the show break through solid wood and rock.
CYNICAL, DON'T YOU THINK YOU'RE NIT-PICKING A BIT?
No, because this is a legitimate problem with the story through both cannon and common sense.
Rainbow sees Pinkie, they talk for a bit, and dear lord this story is stupid! Why the actual HELL hasn't Dash tried to escape her easily escapable prison? What, is she waiting for a 'get-out-of-jail-free' card on a silver platter?
“Pinkie, come on, this isn’t funny.”
Sprinkles, come on, this isn't compelling in the slightest.
“Then why were you laughing”?
I was laughing because your so-called "Story" has been nothing but a poorly written heap of garbage.
"Pinkie grabbed the cloth and whipped it off the cart. The top of the tray contained various sharp medical tools and knives carefully organized and ready."
Because of course a deranged, cannibalistic, serial killer would be nice and tidy with her murder weapons arrangement on a table. WHY?! Sorry that this one's a bit more rant-y than usual, but this story's logical fails set me off!
“But, the other ponies will wonder where I am. When the clouds pile up, they’ll come looking for me and then you’ll get found out.”
I agree with Dash, but for a different reason. People would notice she's gone because she's one of the Elements of Harmony. You know, that group that constantly saves the world, and is seen every single day? People will also notice that the last place she was seen was Sugarcube Corner, and then they'd search the entire building looking for her and the other victims, finding your little kill room, and promptly sending you to the court of the sun, where you will be found guilty and sentenced with death.
“Oh, Dash don‘t worry, there are plenty of pegasus to take care of a few clouds."
Or you could both insult logic, your reader's intelligence, and have another typo. I guess that works too.
"And besides, no will find out. I mean, how long do you think I’ve been doing this?”
Since Sprinkles said “Screw being in character, I have gore!”
"The room was decorated with a typical but twisted Pinkie Pie flair. Colorful streamers of dried entrails danced around the ceiling, brightly painted skulls of all sizes were stuck on the walls, and organs done up in pastels filled with helium tied to the backs of chairs. The tables and chairs were made of bones and flesh of past ponies. Dash cringed at the center piece on the table nearest to her."
Lovely. I guess Pinkie took a few pages from Charles Manson's book on how to kill people and then decorate using their remains.
"her necklace of unicorn horns loudly clacked together."
That's actually an interesting concept, unicorn horns being hollow. Such a shame it's in this story.
"Dash pleaded."
"Please, please, pretty please? With sugar on top?"
“Pinkie please, I’m sorry if I did anything to you. I didn’t mean it. Please let me go. I promise I won’t tell anybody.”
“Oh Dash, you didn’t do anything. It’s just that your number came up and, well, I don’t make rules."
"Your number was 34!"
BOO! SCREW YOU!
What, what? You all know that's exactly what you all were thinking!
"Pinkie displayed a blue and yellow painted skull. It was about pony sized, but it had a very defining feature: a beak."
Oh, I didn't know Pinkie went to Marty Gra! I should have though...
"Dash was freaking out. “Is…is that….is…that?”" 'Is that a copy of Half Life 3?' “Hey, Dash lets hang together. These ponies are lame-os. Dweebs dweebs dweebs.” Pinkie mimicked."
Hey, nice summation of Gilda! One good thing in this story. Also: Learn grammar. You repeated "dweebs" three times without any commas.
"Remember when I left the party for about twenty minutes? That wasn’t enough time to play with her of course,"
"I hindsight,"
"You suck."
"It’s too bad she had such a potty mouth. She said so much bad stuff, I had to take her tongue out. You know, bad language makes for bad feelings, Dash.”
Thank you for reminding me of Sweet Apple Massacre, you stupid twit. Then Pinkie starts the gore part of this story. It's clichéd, uninspired, and looking back on it, isn't even that disturbing. So the story fails as a story AND as a creepy pasta. So it's totally worthless!
YOU JUST SAID GILDA EARNED IT A POINT.
Oh, shut up!
"She worked it under the skin and sliced the hide away from the muscle. Dash ground her teeth as she tearfully watched as her flesh came off. Pinkie then moved to the other side and completed the other flank. Once she was done, Pinkie held up both cutie marks in front of her friend and started waving them like pompoms."
Give me an F! Give me a U! Give me a C,K, Y,O,U! What does that spell?
"Hope you don’t mind, I think I’m gonna wing it now."
Sorry for so many videos, but this story just gives me infinite options for jokes.
“Got it! Say Dash, why do they call it a hack saw? It doesn’t hack; hacking is what I was doing with the knife. This is a saw. I don’t get it.”
I don't get why you wrote this story. Pinkie starts cutting off Dash's wings, and good God, I'm not even half way through this thing! For whatever reason, Sprinkles decided that he's going to go into detail about Dash wetting her self when her wing got torn off. Huzah, you tried to make it creepy, but failed, and now I just see you as a creep with a disturbing fetish. Then he decides to put Dash in the wrong for blacking out when she was being violently tortured.
"Pinkie then popped something red into her mouth and began to chew."
No, you wouldn't.
"She noticed Dash was staring at her." “What?” she asked. “Oh this?” Holding up another piece. “Well, while YOU were asleep," You can't. "I got a little impatient and helped myself sample. I got it from your leg, you’re not bad. Wanna try some?"
... And you did. Congratulations, you officially crossed the line, twice. That means you wanted to be disturbing, and once you were, you tried to be more disturbing, effectively ruining your previous success. Everyone, extend your hand... and slap this idiot in the face for his crimes against intelligence. He tries even harder to be disturbing, and I'm bored out of my mind. Please, just end soon!
“Alright, time for the last round”
THANK. GOD. Believe it or not, it actually gets even more boring here! For at least 5 paragraphs, literally nothing happens! I can't believe I'm actually asking for my favorite character to get tortured!
“Dentists say you gotta floss every day, Dash.”
And The Cynical Brony says you should never write a story again, Sprinkles.
“I know I can be a real painaceas, but you know I’m just kidney with you. You really got to learn to liver it up. Boy, these jokes are getting bladder. Guess ya gotta develop a stomach for them.”
God damn it, the puns are worse than mine.
"Her blood flowed out faster; it wouldn’t be long now."
Good, Dash will be out of her suffering and I'd be out of this story. Everypony wins! After she dies, Pinkie uses Rainbow's face as a mask. Referencing a good horror story does not make your crappy one better.
"It only lasted fifty minutes,"
Wait, what?! Play that again!
"It only lasted fifty minutes"
0_0 One last time?
"It only lasted fifty minutes"
WHAT?! BUUUULLLCRRAAAAP! NO! THERE IS NO WAY THAT WAS ONLY 50 MINUTES! 
NO! THAT'S NOT AN EXCUSE! NO! ARGH! SCREW THIS STORY! I'M DONE!
NO, YOU'RE NOT. THERE'S STILL A BIT LEFT.
DAMMIT!
"Silver Spoon suddenly woke up." I don't care. “Where am I, what’s going on”? The frightened little foal asked."
“Miss Pinkie, what are you doing”?
1. Typo. Before you say I'm intentionally doing this to make the story look bad, I'm copying and pasting lines from the story, Sarge is just that bad at proof reading. 2. Why didn't this story end five paragraphs ago?
"She paused and turned to look at Apple Bloom. The yellow baby pony walked up to her with an angry look on her face. Silver Spoon started to feel relived."
What's this? A character that isn't a murderer or a murder victim? ”you said this one was gonna be mine." 1. I had to add the ending period. Moving on. 2.
“Hey, Silver Spoon, guess who gonna be a blank flank”?
God dammit, I'm tired of pointing your bad grammar out! At the very least, it's over. Final thoughts: This is probably the worst horror story I've ever read. It's not creepy in the slightest aside from the implications regarding the author, it's rather dull, tries way to hard to be disturbing, and is just a chore to go through. Will I ever review it's sequel, "Rocket to Insanity"? I hope not, because I hate it more than Cupcakes, but I know I will eventually. The only good things that came out of this were "The Cupcake Chronicles" by Milesprower06 and "What Comes Next" by RocketBlaze. I'm The Cynical Brony, and next time, I get to deal with Equestria Girls. Hurrah.
EDIT: Except not... I actually did Rainbow Factory... so no. Past Cynical is a bloody idiot.
Credits:
"My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic" is owned by Lauren Faust and Hasbro Inc.
"Doctor Who" is owned by the BBC.
"Cupcakes" by Sargent Sprinkles
"The Cupcakes Song" by Daniel Ingram
"YEAH" sound effect from NCIS: Miami
"Of course!" clip from Street Fighter: The Movie
"WRONG!" clip from Superman Returns
"Yelling" clip from Anchorman
"No, don't, come back" clip from Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory
"Oh come on!" clip from MLP:FiM (Episode: Hearts and Hooves Day)
OK. I only have one question.
Where is Harvey Dent-
Sorry. I mean, how would you like me to review it? Would you like a yahtzee style one? Or one where I do mah own thang!?!
2961346
One where you do more of this, please!
Please say my own.
please say my own.
Please say my own.
Please say my own!
2961368 ... Your own?
OH HAPPY DAAAAY
I couldn't find a short enough clip so just assume i had sister act linked here
Also, and probably most importantly, my review is a review. And no matter what is said, I think this was well done and I thank you for letting me review it.
There shouldn't be any parts that make you feel bad but I understand when you work hard on something and sometimes small comments can hit harder than they are intended.
2961409 I'm open to fair criticism and parody.
Could you send me a link when it's ready?
Absolutely! I felt like I didn't really get my point across in the comment I made last.
Basically there will be parts which I disagree on but there is a reason why I disagree. And that is what I'm going to review along with your review
Right. Nailed it
2961674
2961684 nearly done now. Whilst I will try to get it finished tomorrow, I do have a tendency to only work on things when I am fully engrossed in it. It does need a little work but as said before, I will let you know when its out.
MOUSTACHE
2961866
All right. So, I get that you don't like the story, but...well...I'll just let the Nostalgia Critic do the talking for me.
He actually makes the STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL SEEM HILARIOUS FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!
The Cupcakes story, while riddled with plot holes the size of the Milky Way Galaxy, but that doesn't mean that the review can be like this! Though, as I said on your user page, I can see the improvement in your series, as soon as Episode 14 actually!
3119928 Well, aside from that did you enjoy it?
Honestly, while I still like my early reviews, I didn't really form my style until episode 6: Rainbow Factory.
3119954
I mean, the fact that the guy broke two site rules doing the story kind of ticks me off, but at least he isn't the guy that was responsible for the attack on FIMfiction that brought the site down a while back. You have to keep things in perspective, my friend. 
Aside from that...well, I actually read the story, and found it entertaining for what I thought that it was meant to be, (which was a look at a possible what if scenario, kind of like the What If? Marvel Comic series, (possibly like the issue with a look at What If or Elseworlds by DC comics), so, not really?
3120053 I do exaggerate my opinions for the sake of comedy, you know.
3120066
I'm not seeing it...Probably because I'm not hearing it...You do realize that all of these things are kind of like scripts, right? And that you could totally do it on YouTube, right? Just saying.
3120139 I don't have any decent equipment to do so.
Question: Do you have a link to this version of the story? I'm just asking because, well, all the versions I've seen have far better grammar then this (also, the silver spoon bit at the end was replaced with a scene of Pinkie sewing Dash back together.)
3362752 Can't give a direct link because it's NSFW, but the copy I found was through this site.
ponyriffs.weebly.com/mppt3k-cupcakes.html
3362918 Welp, I finally took a look at it. Let me just say this: If I had read this version first, there's little doubt in my mind that I'd have a very different opinion on Cupcakes then I do now. I mean, there's no way I'd be unnerved by something with grammar like that!
However, that wasn't the version I first read. The version I first read was one that my friend Peter sent me via e-mail almost immediately after I joined the fandom. Not only was that version's grammar pretty dang flawless, but several of the more useless parts (such as the Rainbow pissing scene, a few of the scenes where nothing important happens, and the Applebloom ending scene) were either trimmed down or cut completely, and some of the plot holes were fixed (example: the leather straps were replaced with iron, meaning that it was believable that Rainbow couldn't break free) Mix that in with the fact that I legitimately didn't expect the story to be a murder story when he first sent it, and... yeah, I'll admit it, I was pretty freaked out by it.
I've looked around online for the version of the story he sent since then, but I've yet to find it. (At this point, I'm pretty sure that the version I got was one that he polished up himself before sending just so he could f
k with me.) This version, on the other hand... yeah, it's pretty crap.
Now then, thoughts on the review... well, to be honest, I didn't particularly enjoy this one too much. Even ignoring the whole too much rage, not enough review issue (Which is honestly fine with me. I'm here for the jokes), the 'jokes' here were fairly repetitive, most of them being nothing more than you stating how much you disliked what you were reading. Because of that, the review quickly became repetitive and predictable, which took away from the whole thing.
In addition, there was too much quoting. Way
.
There were a few points where you could've (and in my personal opinon, should've) summed some things up in something that wasn't a quote box. It would've made the layout of the review a bit less predictable. You don't need to quote something in order to make a joke about it, after all. Not to mention, this would've made the transition between quotes a lot smoother, since as it is, it's pretty jarring how the quotes just skip around through the story. I'm just saying.
Finally, I kinda feel this could've benefitted from throwing in a little more emphasis into it. You know, explaining why certain parts suck, or emphasizing the stupidity of some parts more. Want an example of what I mean? Well, let's go with the fact that Rainbow Dash is being held down by leather straps (which is indeed stupid). To your credit, you did give this a bit of attention, but I kinda wish you'd fleshed it out a bit more. Kinda like this:
I just made that up, but I think it gets the idea across. You could've gone more into detail about why the plot holes are plot holes, y'know, just to emphasize the absurdity of it all. Would've made it a bit more interesting.
On the whole, the review felt far too repetitive, and could've benefitted from a bit more variety in terms of both the jokes and the format. It's not horrible, mind you, but it could've been a lot better. Just some friendly advice from one critic to another. Cheers
3368084 Noted, and thank you.