Writing: That Awkward Phrasing · 2:30pm Aug 15th, 2014
So, I did a Ctrl-F on 'that' after hearing the advice in a writing podcast yesterday... In a 25000 word story, I use 'that' close to 200 times. I was horrified.
Well, no I wasn't. I was just slightly miffed. So why is 'that' such an awkward word to use in narrative? We'll look at that in a moment. First, I'd like to say that it's not a terrible word to use in prose, and it has its place. But, like any tool, it can be misused and, for me at least, can be overused.
For me, 'that' is an indicator of a weak section of narrative. I say narrative because it's fine in dialogue most of the time. There are people that talk like that. I'm sure my readers know many of them. Perhaps even you, dear reader, are one afflicted by the deadly 'that' syndrome. It's not really deadly.
'That' can be a sign of telling - and ambiguous telling at that. Other times, it's used for emphasis. I write my blogs in a dialogue style. I'm talking to you, the reader, through my writing. That's an okay use for 'that'. Where it's less useful is when its used in narrative to refer to something else that could be shown instead of ambiguously told. I'll pull some non-spoilery examples from Ghost of a Rose to make this point.
Rose stopped at the base of the hill and looked up at the wrought iron archway with its gates standing wide open. She'd hoped that Pinkie would turn aside at any one of half a dozen side streets and alleys, but her course stayed straight.
"Why the cemetery?" Dread made her stomach feel like she'd swallowed a horseshoe; or a dozen. "Please, Pinkie. I don't need to see my mother's grave." She swallowed another pile of lead that settled in her stomach.
Let's look at this. This is a segment about 3/4 of the way through the first chapter. There's two 'that's used. That isn't bad in and of itself. But let's look at what they add. Well, the first can be eliminated right off. All it's doing is adding a word. It doesn't clarify anything, specify anything. It's there. It's dead weight.
Let's look at the second. Well, first off the imagery is a little wonky. I can't blame the 'that' for the weird imagery. Nope. Just myself.
What could work better and eliminate the 'that'? Well, let's take a look.
Her stomach is feeling heavy--trepidation, fear, anxiety. What else can we use to express one or all of those emotions without using 'that' to specify the passive action of the leaden weight settling in her stomach.
She swallowed against the lump in her throat and felt another horseshoe settle in the pit of fear forming in her belly.
Yes, I believe this should work well. We got rid of the 'that'. So let's take a look at the whole thing again without the 'that's.
Rose stopped at the base of the hill and looked up at the wrought iron archway with its gates standing wide open. She hoped Pinkie would turn aside at any one of half a dozen side streets and alleys, but their course stayed straight.
"Why the cemetery?" Dread made her stomach feel like she'd swallowed a horseshoe--or a dozen. "Please, Pinkie. I don't need to see my mother's grave." She swallowed against the lump in her throat and felt another horseshoe settle in the pit of fear forming in her belly.
Along with some other minor changes, I think it looks better. Not a lot better, but without the 'that's, this little section of text works better.
So. Once we've taken a look at what might cause a 'that' to be used in the wrong place or way, or at least an awkward or extra-wordy way, what's a 'good' way to use a 'that'?
What day is it today? She meandered back to sit on her porch and stare at her garden while she pondered that most important—and frustratingly elusive—of questions.
"I went to market for groceries... yesterday?" That sounded right, and the sound of her voice alleviated some of the tension. "Then today must be Thirstday." She glanced at the roof of her porch, as though she could see the rain barrel, and pursed her lips. Did Goldie say anything about watering her carrot patch?
She couldn't remember if her roommate had or not, and that irked her. Come to think of it, she hadn't seen the carrot farmer yet. Goldie should have been up and about hours ago, off to tend the larger farm she worked for at the edge of town.
These three paragraphs occur one after the other. This is a solid bit of the story. Let's take a look at the three 'that's in order.
First:
Narrative emphasis. This is a close third person story. The character's thoughts and motivations color the narrative voice. To Rose, the day of the week is a weighty question. To us some days, it's a weighty question.
Second:
More narrative emphasis. The narrative is in Rose's voice. It's the unspoken, unthought feelings we don't even voice in our internal monologue. They're the feelings we have - the intuitive gut reaction to stimulus. "It sounds right" is not something we actively think very often.
Third:
Referential usage. Rose's narrative is referring back to the previous clause "She couldn't remember if her roommate had or not" and 'that' takes its place.
So. Once we've taken a look at what 'that' can be used for in good terms, what about you, my readers? Is there a story you've written full of 'that' clauses which could maybe use a little touching up?
Is there a story you've read which might benefit from a little trimming down of 'that's? Is there another usage of 'that' which I didn't cover that you'd like to point out?
Let me know what you think.
Thanks for reading and thanks for following.
Toodles,
Noble Thought
Ha! I've got you beat!
In a 4000 word story, I have 82 uses, including six in one paragraph.
In a 9000 word story, I have 100 uses.
I find myself going over a lot of my writing looking for odd phrasing or unnecessary words. I hadn't thought of the word 'that' as such. That can go either way as being unnecessary or prudent, as you said. Sometimes using the word 'that' helps up emphasis on a phrase or word. An example of it in dialogue is here.
The word 'that' was italicized in the story to show emphasis to the dialogue between em-dashes. Here I think 'that' is used rather well.
But then there is this in non-dialogue:
I bolded 'that' here to help point it out. Here, 'that' helps modify (I think is the right word) for whisper.
Unless I am way off the mark here, these should be two examples of where 'that' was used, but in acceptable way to where the word is not dead weight.
To also further prove your point where 'that' is unnecessary, here is another line.
Here I realized that 'that' is unnecessary. The line could survive without it, though to me it seems kind of awkward when read aloud without it. And now I'm arguing with myself...
Anyway, this is an interesting blog post on unnecessary words. Definitely one to reference.
I'm a little above your quota: 64 thats in a 6k word fic. Then again, it's AJ's first person perspective, so maybe I have an excuse.
I'll try to watch it in future writings, though, thanks for the informative blogpost!
What I'd like to add is that the dead weight that, while it is still permissible to cut it out without losing meaning, sometimes aids in making something more comprehensible. (I don't have an example for that that now, though).
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But of course. It's something I noticed in my own writing. Sometimes without the 'that' a phrase just reads awkwardly. Not really a quota, really. Just that it was 1% of the words in a story. Kinda shocking. Also I noticed that some of the places I used 'that' were also some of the weaker parts of the narrative.
It was like I was using it to prop up weak bits. So now I'm going through and reexamining the places I used it.
Writing is tricky, of course what you said is true, writing 'That' in a story kind of makes it sound like a high school student is trying to write an essay on a book they've never read. But, of course 'That' is acceptable in certain carefully planned cases.
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But of course it is. That which we decline to use is that which will do that to that, and that. That's really all I have to say about that.
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Well, this and that.
2405018 Oh god, Thanks for the aneurysm