Up Coming Rewrites! · 10:00am May 31st, 2012
Upon starting chapter 11 I couldn’t help but come to an unsettling conclusion. At some point during the writing of this story I appear to have lost track of what I was trying to do. This was supposed to be a Pinkie Dash story, yet the two have barely shared two scenes together thus far. In fact, Dash, who was supposed to be the title character of the whole thing, has barely had any characterization outside of “Oh dear I’m having a terrible nightmare. Somepony ought to do something about this.” Everything about her so far, her feelings towards Pinkie, what her nightmare has been about, what prompted it, has only been hinted about at best. In fact Luna, who was only added onto the character roster about half way through, has been given more than twice the characterization, depth, dialog, and over all screen time then Dash! The poor pegasus has become more of a plot point than an actual character.
Including the flash back sequence in chapter seven, chapter eleven will mark only the fourth time the supposed “main couple” share dialogue with each other and this is only going to be a thirteen chapter story at most. I’m not sure what went wrong, but I do know that some heavy edits and revisions will be coming in the near future. The main goals of which will be too:
1. Tone Pinkie Pie’s fourth wall bending down a bit. When I began writing this Pinkie was originally going to jump into Dash’s dreams on her own using her Scene jump teleport powers, however now that I clearly defined how her powers work and why, I’ll need to go back and correct a few scenes and references.
2. Give poor Dash a bit more character. I’m not sure how I’m going to do this, but I’ll be damned if I’m not going to try. The girl needs some bloody character development before chapter ten, during which the character development is quite bloody indeed.
3. Hopefully work blending the comedy and dark aspects of the story a little better. I hate using the dreaded “Dark” tag as it tends to scare off most readers, myself included, but after Pinkie Daemon Pie and ripping off Dash’s wings… I don’t see how I can avoid it any longer. …Maybe I’ll just add it once I’ve finished to story.
4. Smooth out that stupid surprise RariJack. Again, I have no idea how I’m going to do that, but I have no idea what I was thinking when I suddenly wrote a full story outline of a budding Rarity Applejack romance in the fourth chapter of what was then still supposed to be a PinkieDash story. It just comes out of nowhere and really lends nothing to the rest of the story other than adding an additional ship to the list. I don’t know, maybe I’ll just delete the scene and actually write it out properly as a Prologue story or something.
5. Mend any Plot holes that are still left open. I’m not aware of any right now, but do leave a comment and let me know if there are any that you notice. Other than Pinkamena’s sudden appearance and the book, that will be explained soon.
6. Continue to fix any spelling/grammar mistakes. We’re pretty sure we got most of them, but it seems that there are still a few left here and there. Though most of them seem to just be a matter of taste with the readers.
7. Smooth out Applejack’s Drawl. Apparently I can get a little apostrophe when writing our favorite southern belle’s dialogue. I’ll try to fix it as best I can, but accents are tricky things to write.
8. Better define the line between Pinkamena and Pinkie Pie. They’re supposed the same pony, just different attitudes, but it seems the more I write them more they start to seem like different personalities. One is the element of laughter, the other is the boring, stubborn rock farmer. …this isn’t helping my case is it? I may need to rethink this.
9. Try to do more with Fluttershy. I have a hard time writing Fluttershy. I don’t like writing her, I don’t like having scenes with her in them, I like her just fine, I just don’t like writing her.
10. Luna. Just… just Luna. She steals every scene she’s in with her stupid awesome accent and mannerisms. She is just so much fun to write and characterize, especially when trying to go off of actual cannon. Most writers tend to keep playing her as the fandom made Luna, even disregarding her wonderful accent. I think if I’m proud of anything in this retched mess of a novella, it’s my version of Luna. I haven’t seen anyone else do what I’m doing with her, and admittedly that doesn’t mean someone hasn’t, I still think my Luna is an awesome Luna. Problem is, she tends to steal ever scene she’s in because of it. She won’t be making anymore appearances until the end, fingers crossed, but still I should work on toning her down. …I just wish she wasn’t so much fun to write!
11. take into account any other corrections or suggestions from you guys. I know I’m missing things, and I’m going to continue miss things, but if you notice any glaring problems I have yet to address let me know and I’ll see what I can do. I’m not promising to make every correction you guys send me, it is my story after all, but if I actually have missed something I would very much appreciate any help I can get from you guys.
That said, I’ve got a lot of work to do.
Don't delete the RariJack scene; I personally like it. I'm sure others will agree. If you need to re-write it, do so; just don't delete it.
Suggestion: scene with Luna and Fluttershy?
Question - are you interested in suggestions for how to address your mentioned problems?
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Interested yes.
True ,I had too the impression that Luna and Twilight were having more than Pinkie and Dash! Nothing against TwiLuna! Just this is a RainbowPie story so ...
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I'll try to put them together after work this evening.
Would you prefer them posted here or PMed :P
I have to get this out of the way first. The story has a pretty big "telling over showing" issue all throughout it. Most notable (since its a shipping fic and all) everything we know about the rarijack ship and most of what we know about the rainbowpie one has been told to us by you, not shown through the actions of the characters. I have more specific mentions of this below, but when your rewriting, make a list of critical plot points and pieces of characterization a chapter needs to get across between point a and b, and notice how many of them the reader is told explicitly by you, and how often we're allowed to learn that ourselves by observing what a character does.
> 1. Tone Pinkie Pie’s fourth wall bending down a bit.
I will reread the story before address this one in too much detail, but I will say i never saw a problem. Honestly, the biggest example of Pinkie being Pinkie in the series is probably the entire rhymed conversation, and that is WAY too cool to tone down. I may have some suggestions on this one in a bit.
> 2. Give poor Dash a bit more character.
I have a few suggestions here, but they are a lot of work. Wall of text incoming.
First, There should be a scene between Pinkie and Dash very early in the story. Probably the scene were Pinkie first learns about Dash's nightmares, and i would put it at the beginning of chapter two, right after Pinkie implies to the rest of the cast that such a scene happened. I don't know all the details of Dash's loyalty dilemma, but she should probably be either hyper protective of pinkie, aggressive and angry, or begging her for forgiveness/mercy. Show how haunted Dash is by these dreams by letting us get a glimpse of her when she is still waking up, and not sure that the Pinkie in front of her is real or not. This is almost a great place to give us a glimpse of Dash's feelings towards Pinkie. Remember, show us, don't tell us.
Second, there should be a second scene at some point after Dash flies off to get more sleep where we get a glimpse of her nightmare... without being told its her nightmare. If I were writing it, it would start out fairly parallel to the conversation she had with Pinkie earlier, but would quickly devolve into something much more like the conversation in chapter 10. The key here is to not tell us its the nightmare, but give us enough evidence we (as the audience) can be 90% sure that the scene isn't real... but it has to seem real enough for Dash, or I feel it damages her characterization.
Where to put this scene is tricky. As the story is currently written, perhaps putting it midway through chapter 3 (before rainbow wakes up and we start seeing evidence that something is REALLY wrong with her) would be best. If I were writing it, I would foreshadow the part where Dash tells Pinkie to run in the next chapter... it both adds a sense of urgency to the dream scene, and helps make dash seem more lost later, when she see's Pinkie before slipping into the dream and the reader is left to wonder how much of whats going on around Dash is real, and how much is a dream.
With both of those scenes, we can have a better sense of how Dash feels about Pinkie, and done properly they will make the confrontation between the Nightmare Pinkie and the real pony a wonderful callback to earlier, and strengthen the emotional gutpunch of the chapter.
Most importantly, it works on Rainbow's characterization to show us who she is. Right now, in your story she's 90% a blank slate - You could give Fluttershy the element of Loyalty and make her the character trapped in the dream, and very little relevant to the plot would actually change. (that we've been shown so far. Obviously, the dilemma would be completely different) The single most critical thing the readers need to see in those segments is that Rainbow Dash is still Rainbow Dash. She acts first and thinks later. She does not go down without a fight, and she is not a damsel in distress just waiting to be rescued. She may be beaten, but she is not helpless.
Much as I hate to bring it up, BSS's Party Never Ended faced a similar problem in that Rainbow hadn't been given much of a chance to characterize herself as anything other than helpless before her nightmare. BSS resolves this with a scene where Rainbow, while still trapped in the dream, break free enough to realize who the Nightmare is in the dream and attempt to break free by the only means she had - falling to her death. The fact that it didn't work doesn't lessen the impact of the characterization. I'm certainly not telling you to copy BSS, but you do need to provide a way to Rainbow to show herself to be unwilling to die in a hospital bed, the victim of her own fears. If she is completely helpless to the point she can't even try to help herself, she loses a great deal of what makes her a compelling character in the first place.
> 3. Hopefully work blending the comedy and dark aspects of the story a little better.
I think people are willing to give you some leeway here, since they know beyond a doubt those scenes are a nightmare, and a product of Dash's own fears. Since its not real, and nothing permanently awful has happened to anypony, I think you're still on completely safe ground. That said, in terms on earning a comedy tag, I feel your way behind the curve... and I'm not sure that's a bad thing. You have developed a very pressing mood of desperation and rapid action to save Dash, and I'm not sure how well comedy could enhance the story. I mean, don't get me wrong, the Rhyming chapter is hillerious and would do pretty well in a comedy fic, but including the chapter does not make the fic a comedy... especially since there is a huge undertone of existential "what is love" dramatic element included in the middle of the comedy. If you want to include more comedy, i feel you would need to do it in a similar way - make the hillarity fit by including dramatic elements deeply within it, or risk mood whiplash. I do not have any good ideas how to do this - this is not a style of writing I'm good at.
> 4. Smooth out that stupid surprise RariJack.
It doesn't have to be deleted, but it should be spread out a lot more. It comes to us as a huge block of exposition in the middle of a crisis... and it's all told to us, not shown.
The scene has some very promising elements. I would take out the entire backstory between "The old worn brim showed considerable restitching..." and "Cloudkicker and Raindancer had left..." and give is to us either in pieces of dialogue between Rarity and Applejack, or in smaller blocks of exposition spread throughout other scenes that they are in together. I would also slow down the pace of them going anything deeper into a relationship but comforting each other. If you do something like that, it leaves most of the relationship implied rather than told, giving away pieces with lines like "Darling, you’re going to tear that hat in two again if you don’t stop twisting it like that." Lines like those also allow you to set up for the explanation later effortlessly.
Doing something like that should make both the story and the rarijack ship feel more fluid and natural, without dropping it on us like an anvil.
> 5. Mend any Plot holes that are still left open. I’m not aware of any right now, but do leave a comment and let me know if there are any that you notice. Other than Pinkamena’s sudden appearance and the book, that will be explained soon.
I think you're good here. If you have any specific one you need a thought on, I'd be happy to opine at length about it
> 6. Continue to fix any spelling/grammar mistakes. We’re pretty sure we got most of them, but it seems that there are still a few left here and there. Though most of them seem to just be a matter of taste with the readers.
Keep at it, good work so far.
7. Smooth out Applejack’s Drawl.
Honestly, you do it pretty unobtrusively already. It's obviously how its supposed to be read without being obnoxious to actually read, if you know what I mean. If you want to change anything, you may want to look at Applejack's diction a bit closer. Every line of dialogue, take a look at the words and make sure Applejack would really say that word, or if she's pick another.
> 8. Better define the line between Pinkamena and Pinkie Pie. They’re supposed the same pony, just different attitudes, but it seems the more I write them more they start to seem like different personalities. One is the element of laughter, the other is the boring, stubborn rock farmer. …this isn’t helping my case is it? I may need to rethink this.
Maybe I need to reread the story again, because I'm missing what your getting at here. Pinkamina and Pinkie don't seem like different ponies to me at all in the story - just a less bubbly Pinkie, with all of her insecurities closer to the surface because she's missing her shield of happiness. I will get back to you on this one after I reread it, but I didn't notice a problem.
9. Try to do more with Fluttershy. I have a hard time writing Fluttershy. I don’t like writing her, I don’t like having scenes with her in them, I like her just fine, I just don’t like writing her.
Well, thankfully, you have a wonderful cannon excuse for this. Fluttershy is a pony of few words. If you give her a few meaningful gestures, you characterize her more than lines of dialogue. For example, maybe have her wipe sweat off Dash's forehead when they're all together in the hospital room before Pinkie joins the dream. That way, you can avoid something you don't enjoy and don't have to feel bad about. That is, if want to... I mean... if you don't mind and it isn't too big of a hassle...
> 10. Luna. Just… just Luna. She steals every scene she’s in with her stupid awesome accent and mannerisms. She is just so much fun to write and characterize, especially when trying to go off of actual cannon. Most writers tend to keep playing her as the fandom made Luna, even disregarding her wonderful accent. I think if I’m proud of anything in this retched mess of a novella, it’s my version of Luna. I haven’t seen anyone else do what I’m doing with her, and admittedly that doesn’t mean someone hasn’t, I still think my Luna is an awesome Luna. Problem is, she tends to steal ever scene she’s in because of it. She won’t be making anymore appearances until the end, fingers crossed, but still I should work on toning her down. …I just wish she wasn’t so much fun to write!
I have no issues with your portrayal of Luna, nor of her amount. I would, however, look at two things.
First, I would move the twi/luna scene on the hospital roof to later in the fic - maybe a chapter down the road. This both stops someone from feeling Luna is being given too much attention, and provides us with a lifeline back to the real world from the dream - an excuse to see how everypony is doing in the real world too. May also be a good time to do more rarijack.
Second, if your not going somewhere important with the luna/trixie angle, I would take a serious look at the sequence. It felt like shoehorned in when I read it, and while the idea was interesting, I was not a fan of the approach... depending on what exactly Luna said in her sleep through, my opinions may change.
Sorry for the wall of text. Hope my .02 helps.
My Advice would be to remove the RariJack and tone it down to a cute friendship, and change the name of the story from being a simple PinkieDash. This story has grown out of it's restraints, don't try to push it back in.
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1. I actually sent in "Dreams" to Equestria Daily for review and I was given an... interesting reply. He had several complaints, but the second biggest was that I used to many "apostraphes" in Applejack's accent. I've got my editors working round the clock to find these alleged "apostraphes" but in the mean time we're going to work on cutting down on the "apostrophes" since there seem to be alot of those too.
His primary reason for rejecting the story after reading the first two chapters was that he found Pinkie Pie far to "over-the-top" and "annoying as hell." According to him "There are like 2-3 episodes where she directly breaks the fourth wall. And by that I mean she does things that are impossible. Which technically isn't fourth-wall breaking as much as god-modeing. But the fact is that this is FAR more ANNOYING than it is FUNNY."
Despite his suspect understanding of the Party Pony's history, there are points where Pinkie does go a bit to far in the early chapters. I chalk this up to my not clearly defining the extent and source of her abilities early on. Now that I have, there are a few things that need adjusting. I know what they are, I just don't think it well be enough to please the Equestria Daily Proofreader who shall go unnamed. Though I do get the feeling that "Dreams" will never be show cased there because I'm only going to be adjusting Pinkie's "god-moding" a little bit.
2. The first scene is a good idea, as is the placing.
I'll try it out and see how it works. The second scene... I'm not sure about.. I can't do it the way your suggesting because that isn't how the nightmare works. I can't get much more into detail with out spoilers, but it's works a very specific way.
I'm going to try throwing in a bunch of little scenes here and their to add more character to Dash. I think I know where to put them now, but they will be major revisions.
3. Yeah, the comedy tag has been there since the beginning, and this was originally intended to be a comedy, but we've kind out grown it now. To be honest, the only reason it's still there is the same reason I haven't added the dreaded "Dark" tag. I'm afraid It'll scare away potential readers. I know I for one avoid "Dark" the like the plague, and I know many other readers do to. I don't want Dreams to get instinctively lumped in with those more infamous fics that changed "Dark" from "High stakes heroism" to "Gore and death."
4. Yeah... we're gonna completely rework that. Good points though.
5. I know there's a few in there somewhere...
6. We just gotta keep at it.
7. As I mentioned earlier, we're looking for those "apostraphes."
8. Hey, if you guys say I haven't messed that up,
9.
10. Yeah... just gonna have to work on this a bit more.
Thanks for your help.