Main Reviews #2: Secrets Shine Brighter (spoiler warning) · 9:24pm May 9th, 2014
Time for another review! 
Sorry, I really cannot think of much else to say right now. I'm punching this out as it is. Let's just get right into it.
Let's buckle down and get into Secrets Shine Brighter.
Author: Cyneryk
Synopsis:
One foggy morning in Ponyville, the residents wake up to find their deepest darkest secrets sloppily written in red paint on their homes. No one knows who the culprit was, the only thing that the town knows is that it will not come off, no matter how hard you scrub. The town is baffled, humiliated, and in shambles. But no more than Twilight and her friends.
In a time where everything you fought to keep hidden is out into the open, will you embrace your faults or sins, or will you let them consume just who you really are?
Time to fess up, Ponyville.
Current length: 43,579 words over 9 chapters, averaging 4,842 words per chapter
Status: Cancelled
Review: Well, this story is certainly interesting. Back when it was first published many months ago, I watched this story rise from the popular box to the feature box in next to no time. The very premise of this story is what makes it so fascinating:
Ponyville wakes one morning, completely blanketed in a thick fog. The only thing visible from within the fog is the bright, shining red words painted on everypony's houses for each other to see—each of their deepest, darkest, most suppressed secrets. With each of their friendships now strained to breaking point, it's up to the Mane Six to figure out how to remove the unnatural fog and the words (which will not come off), as well as learn to accept who each other really are and forgive each other. However, this is far easier said than done...
I think the reason that this story has hit home with so many is because of the entirely believable subject matter. There are hundreds and hundreds of comments in this story now, where people have been flat out posting their secrets on it. Something about this story... it has inspired people to come out with their own inner turmoil and say things about themselves when they previously would have had no reason to. The nature of the story seems to resonate with everyone who reads it. Which is hardly surprising; everyone has secrets that they would rather the world not know about. Being able to relate to a story's premise is a major contributor to somebody's interest in it.
Firstly, I am going to commend the hell out of Cyneryk for this concept. The idea of the Mane Six (and everyone else in Ponyville) all having their secrets on display to be easily read is a cruel and harsh thing. While it may break some lesser ponies completely (many have resorted to incinerating their hoses to destroy the secrets), the ones who can overcome their closet skeletons and open up to their friends have the potential to overcome their internal weaknesses and strengthen their friendships. Of course, what might happen is not always what will.
Twilight committed accidental, ignorant incest at a young age.
Rarity suffers from addiction to adhd medicine, and steals it from Pinkie Pie to maintain it.
Pinkie Pie pretends to be a happy, silly party pony, suppressing her true self entirely.
Telling the truth all the time hurts Applejack physically.
Rainbow Dash pretends to be a lesbian to hurt her parents.
But the biggest secret of them all, the one that shocked me the most and has sparked a major uncertainty in the story's outcome:
Fluttershy is indirectly responsible for the death of AJ's parents.
This story, while having an uber-awesome idea (and addressing it rather well), suffers rather strongly from writing pitfalls. This makes me incredibly sad, because the story itself is actually quite exciting and enjoyable. While it does maintain my interest based on the merit of its ideas and sometimes surprising execution, it is littered with too many writing pitfalls to ignore. I have already seen quite a few clumsy contradictions in the story telling (eg: We learn that Pinkie is actually really smart and perceptive, remembering almost everything about her friends and others, yet just the next chapter in, Fluttershy remarks about Pinkie's total obliviousness to the situation). The dialogue grammar leaves a lot to be desired (Almost every instance of dialogue had a period whenever there should be a comma instead). The tense keeps switching from past to present and back again
"She did not want to admit it, but if she refused, then she risks her hypothesis of the letters getting brighter. If they shine brighter, they’ll protrude through the fog."
The final, major offender, one I found difficult to overlook because of its inescapability, is the paragraph structure. In nearly every paragraph, the perspective shifts between characters multiple times. If this story was to be laid out in the proper format, it would almost be twice as long (page-wise) due to the immense amounts of spaces and new lines that are required. It's not uncommon to see three or four subject changes within the same paragraph; this quite often left me wondering who was speaking or acting at times. Here's an example:
“Oh, yeah! It’s been a real sad day for everypony.” Pinkie’s face contorted into a frown, yet the happy gleam still remained in her eyes. Rainbow Dash couldn’t tell what Pinkie’s true emotion was through her mockery. “Everypony has their secrets on their house and-” Pinkie paused for a moment, and sighed.
I was very hyped to read this story for quite a while, feeling guilty for putting it off as long as I did. Yet now that I have... I want to keep following it for the story itself, which is testament to how much I love the idea behind it all. I believe I will continue to read it. It's just hard to see a story you love fall so much because the overall mechanics are lacking any form of precision.
Secrets Shine Brighter gets a 4/10 from me. The idea is genius and addicting, but the actual writing and numerous, consistent errors make it difficult to proceed.
It Takes a Village
It's a Dangerous Business, Going Out Your Door
Duel Nature
Que Sera, Sera
If Only In My Dreams
The Reign of Princess Dinky the Cute
Cry For Eternity
Transcendence
Mort Takes a Holiday
Pandelirium
This is basically all true. Though I had some problems with the story. First off, Twilight's secret pretty much is boring as hell, put bluntly. It is unoriginal, and it falls into the cliche range. Pinkie's is cliche as well, though it is far more preferable than what other ideas there could be. Rainbow's is actually very interesting, Fluttershy's is amazing, and Applejack's is different. She has a rather solid, believable secret.
The next thing wrong is Fluttershy's friend. He was a straw man character, and there is nothing wrong with it . . . if he didn't play such a pivotal role in the story. So what, he was just always an asshole? Nothing more? There are arguments that call him a psychopath, and while I don't believe it, there is evidence for their side.
Let's also look at Applejack. I have been trying to sympathize with her plight based on an outside perspective, but with how things are escalating, it is just crazy. She is on a self-destructive crusade based on her ignorance. Applejack first off hasn't shown the character for revenge beyond bats. This is her best friend, and she turned on her in a second. It is ridiculous.
Besides that, I love the story. I hope that it continues to amaze me.
2093165
Just read this. I am actually interested in what you think of it, but I will wait. Just saying, I cried so hard to this story.
2094986
Yeah, I actually had a bit of a problem with "Sticks" too. He was way too convenient. Even Dumbbell, Hoops or Score could have played the part far better, since they've been shown to antagonise Fillyshy before. They could have just followed her around and ignored her pleas. They could also have escaped from the fire easily.
AJ's current path... It's hard to believe, really. And Twilight keeps "missing" these tics of AJ's too.
Yeah, I'll keep reading it. I like it. But it could be much better written.
2094988
Well, if Transcendence wins this week, you can vote for it next week
2094998
By the power of Grayskull, it shall win!