Rumours of my demise... · 9:02pm May 4th, 2014
I'm in a very strange mood this evening...
I was catching up on the newest episodes of pony-dom and I suddenly realised something. It prompted me to come back on here for the first time in months and, this time, this time it didn't hurt when I saw all the things that made me hurt before.
Let me explain. I spent the last four months of 2013 in the most horrendous break-up with Thaylien and it was all, entirely and completely my fault.
It's been roughly two months since I've spoken to him. My best friend, my lover, the man that's been there for me for the last twelve years of my life... the man I thought I was going to marry and have kids with. And everything that I see that reminds me of anything we ever did together has hurt, because I'm the one at fault, I broke something that I'd always known was precious; his trust. So, you can guess, crazy people that you are, that every reminder of him wasn't just painful because of the loss, but because of what I'd done to lose it. I believed him when he said that, even though he couldn't trust me, he still loved me. You can't just stop loving somebody, not like turning off a switch. You can lose their trust, though, and to Nick that's the difference that matters. Somebody you don't trust can't be part of your life in such an intimate way. Which is why I'm alone.
But here's the thing:
I never would have considered watching a cartoon show for people a third of my age if it wasn't for him. That thought just... happened on me this evening.
And it brought with it a whole slew of other thoughts, too, like I never would have gone to Africa and tracked lions while walking. I never would have gone punting on the River Cam. I never would have known how to pronounce 'meme' or what it meant, or why they were funny. Every little thing that I can remember ever appreciating in my life has been because he was there.
Why? Because I made the right choice. I chose him, he chose me, I trusted my heart and made the right choice!
And why do I not have him anymore? Because I did something I knew was wrong, something my heart told me wasn't ever going to end well, but my head said wouldn't matter, would make me feel good and what he didn't know wouldn't hurt him. A bad choice. A choice I made and then dealt with the consequences of. I can never take it back, so I have to carry on. I can't sit and wallow in what I've lost.
One mistake doesn't make every other choice in my life a bad one. One bad choice, no matter how much I lost because of it, doesn't mean that I have to abandon everything else that ever made me happy.
So. With that said, I'm starting my life back up.
My whole life, not just parts of it. I lost the trust of my friends, my closest friends, when what I'd done came out; I'll find a way to make new friends. I gave up on my gaming, my writing, my favourite shows, I gave up on doing anything but working myself until I was too tired to stay awake, then sleeping until I woke up for work; I'm finding my hobbies again.
I may not be writing any more stories here, and I'm sorry if that turns out to be true, but I'm definitely finishing the one I started before I left. 'My Brother the Human' will conclude and after that? Maybe I'll have something new for you, or maybe I'll take 'Females are Crazy' off Hiatus. I don't know! It's crazy, you're crazy, I'm probably crazy...
But the absence of somebody who taught you everything about life, living, love... the one who learned it all with you, but always seemed to have the answers just before you and showed them to you... That changes you.
So word of advice before I go: To the crazy ladies who might be reading this, I say this with utmost sincerity. If you find a man who makes you happy, don't ever let him go. Stay true and faithful to him, honest and up-front. Don't drag him around, and, no matter the excuse you find for it, even if you were planning on breaking up and starting a new relationship... never be unfaithful.
It's a choice you will regret.
Oh, hey, you're ba-
Well, dang.
Take care of yourself, and best of luck with rebuilding.
2077170 Thanks sweetie, it's been hard, but I'm all fired up
Damn. I'm sorry to hear about all that. Just remember, we all make mistakes, but it's only a failure if you don't learn to be a better person for it. I wish you luck in rebuilding your life.
2077675 Thank you for the sentiments, I've kinda had to learn that the hard way though. It's easy not to believe it when you're down, and even harder to put into practice.
But! Here I am, and I'm positive for the first time in a long while. I'll take the luck and run with it
It's wonderful to see you again!!
2098736 Thanks, wonderful to be here again
Are you seriously just running away now? Did you even explain your (for lack of a better term) reasoning behind your choice that you made, knowing exactly what the unnecessary indulgence would cause?
Are you that dense?
2195809 I think you're a little confused... maybe I didn't make it clear in this, but right now I'm doing the exact opposite of running away. I went through the break-up, I signed on with a therapist because the break up caused me to look at what I'd done and actually get help for it. I lost the entirety of the life I'd been building with him because I broke his trust and nothing I can do will ever regain it. And, as the blame falls on me, I'm not doing anything to try and push him into choosing to do that, only he can make that decision.
But I was running. For months I ran away from what I'd done, hid from my friends, hid from him, hid from my own feelings about what had happened. It got to the point where I hadn't even spoken to the man I love, still love, even though I can't have him, for two months.
That was running away.
The night I posted this was the night it hit me; I made a mistake, but now it's time to move on. Take my life as it was before it fell apart and find what made me happy about it, and, more importantly, find reasons to stand up and face life without him.
If one of those reasons is that I can write semi-decent erotic fiction on a fan site? Then that's what I'm going to do. If it helps me just talk to him in a normal, platonic fashion when I see him at work, or in a shop, then it helps me overall.
I can't get back my life, not all of it. But so much of it, so much of what he showed me, and what I learned with him, is too important for me to abandon it. I'm not counting clop as one of those 'too important' things, but it was a stepping stone to them.
Today, unlike that day, I woke up happy. And that's something that this one, overall insignificant, blog post five weeks ago started me on the climb towards. That, my crazy reader, is what this whole thing was all about.
Well... that, and as a cautionary tale to any other girls out there that have... a fetish... If you can't indulge it without hurting another, then it's time to make a choice. If you don't, then the lies, the broken trust, and the pain you cause will take that choice away from you.
I hope that answered your question.
2196519 It answered one of my questions. Plural.
But if you're not willing to answer the rest, just say it and we can all move on.
2198654 Oh... I guess I didn't answer all of them, but there's a reason for that.
My indiscretion is on a more... grand scale than you'd think. When it came out, in the worst possible way I'll add, of course he wanted to know why. If there'd been any hope that I was just confused or in need of sorting out my feelings before we got back together, then that would have happened.
It was actually a drunken mistake, where all my inhibitions were lowered, I'm not going to blame it on spiked drinks or anything, but I was way beyond what I'd have thought I'd be for the amount of drinks I'd had. At least the first time I was.
The rest over the years? Not such an easy excuse. I had a problem, and not enough control of myself to fix it alone, which is why I've been seeing a therapist about that part of things. It's not every day that you have a qualified doctor tell you (not in so few words) that you're not 'sick', just a bad person that needs to learn to be better.
So explaining myself to him, check, recognising the problem, check, getting help, check, and when he said we were over I let it be over; I'd forfeited any right to try and keep the relationship going, no matter my feelings for him. I didn't leave this relationship on a knee-jerk reaction, it was the logical outcome of having explained everything and him coming to the simple conclusion that he would never be able to trust me again. Of course... that doesn't mean it didn't hurt so bad that I basically tree-housed myself for six months or so...
Heh, sorry, another essay. Can take the girl away from the writing, can't take the writing out of the girl...
2198805 And that answers the rest. Thanks.
In case you care, the reason I asked was because the original post gave me the impression that you were outright stupid. There isn't a single word that even implies that this was a decision made while drunk, as far as I can tell. I actually thought that you were completely sober when you did.
But you went out of your way to elaborate and now I know better. Thanks for humoring me, and sorry for dredging up bad times.
2198892 No, it's not really dredging them up, I live with the fallout all the time. And, since I'm being open for the official record, I did say the first time was a drunken mistake. The rest of them weren't, the great majority of them were completely sober, and they went on for a long time after. Years.
And that's why I am outright stupid. That's the point. I made a stupid mistake, chose to do something that satisfied some... ridiculous fetish of mine, and the thought of the consequences gave me such a thrill while I was doing it. When they actually happened? That was something I could never have prepared for. If I don't explain myself, even a little, to people, then it starts to be... distant. It's not time for it to be distant yet. In ten years time I still want to be able to see that look on his face when I had to tell him it was all true and know that nothing in life is worth that kind of pain.
Nick told me a while back about his childhood, about the way bullying (excessive, violent, unrepentant hate against him, these kids actually set him on fire and got away with it) had turned him into somebody just like them. Turned him into a person he wasn't. And the only way he got out of that state once the bullying stopped was putting on a mask of being 'harmless' to everyone, of being happy, friendly, kind and caring, thoughtful and emotive. He wore the mask so often, and so completely, that eventually he learned to believe it, learned to hang up the hate, the violence and pity-devoid anger like an old coat. It's still there, he says, inside somewhere, like a coat in your closet. If he ever needs it, he can put it on again and be that person for a while. (He did, once, it scared the ever-living shit out of some guys trying to mug us.) But he's more than that, there's a whole person grown up now, and he likes the person he's become.
This problem I have, the things I did... I made myself into that, and now... well, I just hope that I can have as much success as he did now it's my turn to work my way out of it.
Wish me luck?
2199424 Trust me, you don't need luck to re-make or expand yourself. What you really need is determination in conjunction with a worthwhile incentive. It worked when I forced myself to get used to non-heterosexual everythings. It worked when I had to abandon my school to avoid stress-induced clinical insanity (by the skin of my teeth). It still works when I learn to communicate better with neurotypicals like yourself* and I've been doing this stuff (with no help from a therapist and stupidly small amounts of assistance from my parents, might I add) since I was twelve.
That was over six and a half years ago.
I repeat, you do not need luck for this sort of thing. However, that doesn't mean it's not very helpful and it doesn't mean that I don't wish you the best. I sincerely hope that love finds you again (or you, it), in some form or another.
P.S. If that sounded dickish and braggy; one, I completely agree and two, sorry about that.
*Apologies if you're not neurotypical. Feel free to look it up if you don't know what it means.
2199582 Thanks kid, I know.
You're remarkably bright for someone a decade my junior, but... you know, I'm not sure you'll take me up on it, but I know a guy that would be willing to give you some advice, no mess, no fuss. Nick spent about five years helping people deal with emotional troubles after he finished school, given how many people he helped, at least talking with him couldn't hurt, right?
He's Thaylien, here on FIMfiction (and just about everywhere else). Tell him I sent you, and he won't pretend he's retired from the helpline.
As I've found, it's great when you believe in yourself and find your own drive, but having somebody else believe in you and point out a smoother path is pretty great too.
2199640 We'll see, I guess.