Apr
2nd
2014
Operation: Patriotism Chapter Rewrite · 5:04am Apr 2nd, 2014
When Summer comes, I will be rewriting Chapter 1 of Operation: Patriotism.
It's too long, too exposition-y without being engaging, and kind of clunky.
The new version will have the exposition woven into a series of national interviews conducted by the humans onto their alien saviors, which will blend expositioning the previous work and introducing the themes of this work in a much more streamlined manner.
While there is always room for improvement, I don't see anything wrong with the chapter (Other than the Mood whiplash I already mentioned).
1979441
No, no, Chapter 1. The Mood Whiplash was Chapter 2.
Which, anyways, I will be splitting into two, per your suggestion.
1979565
ah. Sorry, brain fart.
After Re-Reading it, I do see your point, but you may be worrier a little to much about the story?
I'm not saying you shouldn't strive for your best, but semi-constantly re-writing things might be hindering your ability to write the rest of the story.
1979594
That's a good point . . .
1979594
And you know what else!?
JUST TODAY, suddenly I felt the need to rewrite Chapter 2! . . . actually, I could probaaably just edit a little bit and be fine.
And let me ask you something:
Does Chapter 1 . . .
-Provide background exposition that works smoothly into the story without being forced?
-Provoke sufficient curiosity to the reader to encourage them to continue reading?
-Introduce the main conflict of the story?
-Introduce the main themes of the story? Ex: Twilight and Shining Armor's conversations is supposed to show the theme of Twilight and the Mane Six being a post-war veterans in need of counseling. Do these scenes portray that well enough?
-Does the story move a good pace without unnecessary dialogue that could be replaced with something better?
2043106
A few sentences should be combined in your descriptions.
I did not find Raf's version of Humpty Dumpty very funny, though that could just be me.
And you described Luna's eyes as green when they are blue.
It was very good. I'm glad I went back and re-read it though-I missed some of Celestia's dialog about the Changelings
2043195
-All right
-It wasn't supposed to be funny
-I could have sworn they were green
And I was thinking about just moving the things I wanted to do in the Chapter 1 Rewrite into Chapter 3 . . .
And perhaps I could just do choice editing on Chapter 1 as well . . .
2043195
Actually, yeah, yeah, no, no, it's fine . . . I can just say "the pacing gets better in chapter 3!"
. . . which, you know, "it gets better!" is generally a poor indicator of writing ability, but a complete rewrite of the chapter from the ground-up is too much work, and its really just this one sentence that's really bugging me . . .
2043214
Well, you're the writer.
2043265
Also, a few sentences would be easy to fix.