The Document of My Little Immortal: Character Sheet (In which Posh briefly overshares) · 7:35am Apr 27th, 2012
Remember that time I wrote a character sheet for Pony Gear Solid? Ah, to live in those halcyon days of optimism, where it seemed as though I might follow through on my promises to update every week, or other week. If you ask me, you're all at fault for taking me at face value.
Anyway, the experience was such a fun one that I've decided to do the same for My Little Immortal. Aren't you excited?! Tell me you're excited!
*****
GOFFS
Ebony Way
A gothic vampire student at Celestia's School for Gifted Unicrons. Ebony is the most prettiest and powerfullest pony in Equestria, and naturally, all the preps hate her for it. She carries out sexual trysts with just about everypony she meets, except for preps, because preps don't give good head (as Posh once found out the hard way during a backseat romp in tenth grade). She has suffered the abuse of Princess Celestia and Princess Cadence for as long as she can remember. Ebony is capable of using the Royal Canterlot Voice in combat, which only princess like Princess Nightmare Moon can use, but she's uncertain as to why. She is also functionally immortal. These twin uncertainties cause never-ending angst for our poor heroine, and drive her to attempt suicide and bludgeon everypony within striking distance.
Sweetie Bell
A fellow student at Celestia's School for Gifted Unicrons, and Ebony's marefriend. Sweetie Bell is the second most gothic pony at the school, after Ebony of course. Despite a few rocky patches in their relationship, she is completely in love with and devoted to Ebony, and ignores her frequent affairs and trysts.
Bleedaloo
A gothic pegasus who is in love with Ebony. Bleedaloo used to be named Scootaloo, but changed her name to Bleedaloo after realizing that she was gothic. Strung along by Ebony; too stupid to realize it. However, she does have insightful moments from time to time, and largely acts as the voice of reason between herself, Ebony, and Sweetie Bell.
B'Lood
Also known as Twilight Sparkle, this mighty unicorn is Ebony's oldest and dearest friend. She owns and operates a shop in Ponyville, which Ebony destroys in chapter six using her Royal Canterlot Voice. Discord wants her dead, for reasons unknown.
Applejack
Best friend to Ebony, who happily bears the brunt of her abuse most of the time. Finally killed; seemingly returns to life.
Ditzy Doo
Another goff, whose original name was Derpy Hooves. However, a bunch of idiots made a big stink over that, forcing Principle Celestia to change her name to Ditzy Doo, which is much less offensive.
Flem and Flan
A pair of magicians who absconded with Applejack's barn and Rarity's boutique many years ago. They have since learned the error of their preppy ways and converted to Stanism.
Princess Nightmare Moon
Ruler of Equestria, who lives under the oppressive hoof of Principle Celestia. Ebony's closest friend and mentor. The two occasionally have do it together.
Rampage
Formerly known as Twist; she converted to Stanism and changed her name to Rampage after a magic accident made her immortal, which also promptly made her suicidal. Eats babies. Original character; do not steal.
Snipes and Snails
Goffs who ask Ebony if she is okay. She isn't.
Spike
B'Lood's son, who is a member of Ebony's band, xxxbloodyristsxxx. He plays the sexaphone very skillfully, and is also a a dragon.
Dr. Hoofs
School sinus teacher. Extremely permissive of drug use and fornication in his class. His style of teaching revolves entirely around the use of a funky sitar.
Saren Arterius
Former council Spectre, who was disbarred for intimidating David Anderson with his gofficness. After attempting suicide, he converted to Stanism and became gottic, and is now a respected homosexual musician.
PREPZ N POZERZ
Principle Celestia
The morbidly obese principal of Celestia's School for Gifted Unicrons. She is the biggest prep in Equestria, both literally and figuratively. Tortures Ebony endlessly. She has recently donned a skinnysuit to appear goffik, but keen-eyed goffs can see through her facade.
Princess Cadence
One of two rulers of Equestria, she tortured Ebony with flaming dildos many years ago. This went on until Ebony destroyed her with her Royal Canterlot Voice. She now runs Heaven.
Discord
Spirit of preppiness who will stop at nothing to eliminate Twilight Sparkle. Surprisingly sensitive when it comes to matters of the heart.
Blueblood
Discord's manservant. Briefly propositions Ebony; is promptly murdered.
Professors Lyra and Bon-Bon
Preppy professors who indict Ebony and Sweetie Bell for having do-it in the Everfree Forest. Lyra later goes on to sleep with Pinkie Pie and attempt to rape Ebony.
Professor Cheerily
Preppy professor who teaches useless classes about CPR. She does not approve of Ebony's gothic shenanigans.
Pinkie Pie
Prep and rapist. She is defeated by the Royal Canterlot Voice while attempting to force herself on Ebony in the bath.
Shining Armor
Canterlot's only janitor and Twilight Sparkle's brother. While Twilight got all the goffic genes, he was saddled with all the flawed, recessive, preppy genes, and harbors a deep-seated inferiority complex because of it.
Ovalescence
Shining Armor's cat and only confidant.
Nurse Redhart
A nurse who aspired to be a doctor, but failed to advance past nurse. She now tortures goffic students at Celestia's School for Gifted Unicrons.
Lily
A prep who occupies the Discord Disco. She is mercilessly killed by Ebony.
The Discordant Disco Dancers
Discord's elite guard, who always stand ready to defend their master with their incredible mastery of the lost art of disco. Being discordant, they are not actually very good at dancing in harmony.
This is relevant to my aneurisms.
I... what?
I haven't read this one yet, but... I think I'm gonna have to break out my Cure, Sisters of Mercy, and Crüxshadows CDs and sit down with it soon.
EDIT: OK, still haven't read the story, but I did get through the description and several comments. I've never actually read the HP fic it parodies, so I'll probably just be approaching it as a straight-up goth satire. Can't promise I'll get through it, though... I seem to have a low tolerance for trollfics.
Discord is best pony in this entire fic!
..I wish there was some Tom and/or Discord emoticons here!