Author's Notes: Granny Smith's Dating Advice.

Like most of my stories, this started with a simple gag. Apple Bloom gets the birds and the bees talk, but somehow it ends up with Granny Smith ranting about conspiracy nonsense. Why was Apple Bloom getting the talk? Well, Granny is pretty clearly insane so she just mentions having a crush and Granny goes off the rails.

Boy I love having a climax and having to build a story around it! I should do it several dozen MORE times! Fuck me!

In the process of writing this it occurred to me that I should probably do things like this more often than really dark sociological analysis-type things. Mostly because I've been plugging away at the really dark sociological analysis-type Scratchtavia fic Mezzo Forte for months and in some nights only got 8 words in. This story got over 1000 in its first night. Also it's more fun to have things like the CMC bickering than Octavia be a terrible person and hypocrite.

So this story was lighter than my usual attempts at writing and funner to write but it doesn't try to claim most bronies are useless bastards who like bad things so I'm really confused what I'm good for.

So uh, I like doing line-by-line commentary so I'm making you bastards suffer it again.

Cheerilee continued, "it's more like the choice never existed, and you were always going to pick the cookie."

One of the conclusions from It's About Time and FiM's theme of destiny in general is that time in Equestria has no branches and is completely linear. Free will doesn't exist, randomness isn't, and everything that was, is, and will be, always was, is, and will be.

Cheerilee is teaching this to elementary-age kids.

"Apple Bloom!" Cheerilee shouted. "Would you mind not staring at your classmates and tell us what this implies about morality?"

The correct answer was that it doesn't exist as there's no choice. Right and Wrong imply that the actor picks one and the other is a possibility. Cheerilee is teaching this to elementary-age kids.

Yes this is still lighter than what I usually write.

Scootaloo hopped closer to her friend. "Well get with us, 'cause today's the day we get our giant robot cutie marks!"

I asked VoidChicken for a funny idea for a CMC activity. He said giant robots. I rolled with it. I hope I did well.

Scootaloo blinked. "It's about him isn't it?"

I intentionally didn't name Pipsqueak at any point in the story. Why? I dunno. I didn't really want to. He wasn't important. It could've been Featherweight and the story wouldn't have changed. Apple Bloom having feelings is what drives the story.

Or maybe it was an arbitrary choice. I can't tell if I'm making statements or doing random nonsense.

"Oh Silverstar," an anguished Applejack wistfully wailed to the pictured pony. "How will I ever convince a no-nonsense pony like you to let a silly mare like me take the mustache ride?"

"Mustache Ride" is an euphemism for receiving oral sex from a dude with a mustache.

This was actually the hardest part to write. My original plan was that Applejack had a Rarity shrine in her closet ala Helga in Hey Arnold! but then I wondered, does AJ even have a closet? So I checked both episodes that we see AJ's room. She doesn't as far as I could tell.

She does have her hat and a rope on the coatrack, and an emergency lasso next to her bed, which I thought was cute, but it doesn't help me here.

Anyway since she couldn't have an elaborate stature I gave her a tiny box of memorabilia. That didn't work out either because I couldn't make it funny. So I abandoned the Rarity shrine plan, but the end of the scene called for a joke about AJ's love life.

So I went with Sherrif Silverstar because I think "mustache ride" is a funny phrase and it's also a sex joke.

I moderate a FiM board's fanfic subforum and I can't post my own works there because I keep. Writing. Sex jokes. Also failed romances because of the whims of an arbitrary and sometimes actively malicious universe. That's another thing I write I can't post there.

Big Mac knew he was the wise down-to-earth older brother type. He could answer anything with his down-to-earth homespun wizzdom. He was confident. He was on his A-game.

Kurt Vonnegut is my favorite author. I finished rereading Breakfast of Champions shortly before writing this, then started on Slaughterhouse-Five again. I think it shows.

He saw three daisies in a cluster. They wore mocking little masks. They fluttered in the breeze as if to laugh at him and tell him again of his failures.

Failed romances, right, what'd I say?

She thought he was batshit crazy.
But in nicer words.

Nopony actually swears in the story proper. This is also a break from my usual MO where colorful cartoon horses are as foul-mouthed as I am.

Apple Bloom suddenly felt perplexed. She had to have a mother, since she after all was.

Existential agony, part 2. The whole "dead parents" theory still doesn't account for how no one even says anything. Despite an entire episode devoted to a reunion their parents still don't get so much as a wink. Granny doesn't reminisce about her child, aunts and uncles never mention their sibling, just, nothing. It's really strange. Fluttershy can get away with unmentioned parents since she doesn't have other relatives out the wazoo who visit constantly.

I didn't go with incest because that's 1) stupid 2) overdone 3) really stupid. So I went with existential agony and unanswered questions.

"Well, I guess if I don't tell you, you'd find out from your... rap music or your violent video games."

All I learned was that bitches love ice and that I should consider gameplay benefits before actual emotional attachment.

"You have lobster kettle!" Granny shouted.
Apple Bloom blinked. "I don't think I can afford to get that at a restaurant."
Granny was desperate. "No, no, no, I mean blanket hornpipe!"

Fimfic's John Dalton and I looked it up. These are archaic terms for sexual activity.

"You were saying something about Illumiponies and and New World Orders and Zionists. What's a Zion?"

If Equestria had airplanes there'd be chemtrails too. Then again, a lack of Zion didn't stop me from Zionist conspiracies.

Also sorry to all 4 of you Granny Smith fans that I made her really racist. :(

Y'see, they've got this device called the Energy Catalyst, and it's got enough power in it to blow them away! They'll blast Celestia into next week!"

The Energy Catalyst is a cold fusion reactor that produces more energy than it consumes, having over 100% efficiency and thus creating energy. Of course, the inventors could never demonstrate it working and is probably lies. Anyway, it's in here because it has a badass-sounding name, like a comic book macguffin.

That unicorn friend of your sister's... what was her name? Rodney? The way she hangs out with those high fashion types makes me concerned she's secretly with them, spying on us! You see the way she keeps eyeing Applejack?

Speaking yet again of failed romances, in this story Applejack is straight.

I keep making jokes that if you want continuity in my stories, just imagine Twilight's in a prison jumpsuit. In reality unless it would help make the story funnier or subtly incomprehensible, I don't aim for any continuity. Like how my previous story was a Flutterjack thing which means she's gay (by the way, don't read it, it's shit and you'll waste your time) but in this one she likes stallions, because I could get a mustache ride joke in that way. In what is probably my next one Rainbow Dash will try to start a relationship with Applejack, which would mean she's gay again.

Maybe all my characters are bisexual lunatics because that's the easiest to write jokes for.

Incidentally, if you're wondering about Twilight, I'm not writing her again until I know what Season 4's null state for her is, the status quo she's at at the beginning of stories, before I write her fucking a walrus or whatever stupid shit I make up.

"I wish I could tell you, but all I've got is just to be honest with yourself. And if he turns out to be a cryptofacist, why, just buck his teeth out."

I can check "use the word "cryptofacist" in a My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic fanfic" off my bucket list.

"Hey, Big Mac!" Applejack asked. "You painted that doll magenta yet?"
"Eefuck you," he replied.

The bonus chapter is shorter than its title. Applejack is making a joke about decorating Smarty Pants like Cheerilee and that Big Macintosh will have sex with the doll as an outlet for his frustrations with the actual Cheerilee. She is wording it in such a way that it implies Big Macintosh is intending to do it regardless of if he has or not. I felt I needed a dedicated eeyup joke somewhere and it didn't fit into the narrative proper. It's the only time in the story a pony swears.

That's also longer than the bonus chapter.

Comments

[Inferno demon Dash]

Holy buck....you learn something new everyday...thank you