Another Mea Culpa on Midnight Rising

Well, folks, it appears that I laid an egg with the last release of Midnight Rising, which was supposed to wrap the Griffon Kingdom side arc. I received not one, but two critical comments on it, with the latest coming just in the past couple weeks.

The main complaint of the second comment, submitted by SPIKE2022, is that Queen Molyneux cheated and it ruined the ending. That Vesuvius wouldn’t accept that kind of draw, and he should have rightfully won the duel for control of both the Kingdom and its Queen.

I replied to him already, but I’ll summarize what I said here: Having thought about it, I decided that he was right. The honor-loving griffons and especially their Queen would never cheat in such a contest, not even at the cost of defeat. And even if she did, she wouldn’t be a worthy ruler in the eyes of her subjects any longer.

So yet again, I’m forced to issue a mea culpa to readers and acknowledge criticism of the arc/chapter as valid. So now the question becomes, what am I going to do about it?

There’s really only one answer: I have to go in and rewrite the ending of the duel along with whatever else it needs. As this is now sticking out like a sore writing thumb in my mind, I’m officially bumping it to next in line, along with the first post-griffon chapter where it’s finally time for Middie to take it to Lemon Zest. I’ll also handle the fact that the griffon arc was indeed a sideshow that detracted from a main story in a special way. Namely, by having the story critiqued and dinged by creative writing instructor Ms. Cherilee, who Sunset is forced to surrender the Googly Docs link to after she and the rest of the crew finally have a rather awkward and possibly very adult chat with the two principals.

As for redoing the Moly/Vesuvius battle itself, I admit I’m torn. I thought that the duel needed to end in a tie, and the current ending was the contrivance I came up with to allow it. But it obviously went over both in terms of plot and fetish like a lead balloon. I can certainly make an argument that by rights, Vesuvius and the dragons should win. But then what? That’s the main roadblock I have there right now, especially as the rest of the story moves on. Remember also that these griffon chapters will figure prominently in the end of Nightmare Night, which remains my primary defense of them.

But I’ll figure something out. I always do. And I invite those commenters who correctly critiqued the chapter—namely, SPIKE2022 and ImplausibleDeniabiliy—to preread the redone ending if they wish. As for when this will happen, the answer is right after I’m done with these 35,000 words and (likely) three chapters of Feathered Hearts: Continuation and Chronicles that I’m trying to get out in time for the holidays. As we start the new year, I’ll redo the ending and then write the next regular story chapter of Midnight Rising.

I’m very stubborn when it comes to getting things right with my stories, folks. And that means I will rewrite entire chapters if I have to, like I did back on Five Star Service with the two Attorney chapters that came late in the story. My first attempt at those was abject failure that turned readers off, but I got it right on the second try. Here’s hoping that will be the case here, too.

Comments

[Implausible Deniability]

So. I've been thinking about this since last night and I think I see some possible ways to maintain the draw:

• Accident: With the sheer number of spells going around and the size and motion of the duelists, they were bound to get hit by some magic whether they meant to or not. Less outside interference, more unavoidable stage hazard. Or the sheer amount of mutative magic in the air, both anatomic and architectural, was enough to effect the change without deliberately targeting either ruler.
• Midnight: It's already been established that she has terrifying levels of probability manipulation, and that's when she's not even trying. The combatants don't need to get hit by dozens of spells each when the right one at the right time and place is all that's needed to turn the tables. Alternatively, Midnight could claim responsibility to provide an excuse for the two leaders to accept an outcome they find personally satisfactory, but that the expectations of their cultures could never let them permit. The draw may not have been their idea, but anyone who disagrees can take it up with the alien alicorn. (Or it at least offers an acceptable compromise, i.e. a solution that leaves both sides equally unhappy. )
• Midnight, by Accident: Look, when she's watching a dozen iterations of the duel, can you blame her for losing track of which one's actually happening in front of her? Or subconsciously shifting it to match her desired outcome? Or causing some shifts in the griffon concept of honor? (Going by the erotic architecture, I'm going to go out on a limb and say the overlaid griffon culture puts just a bit less stock in the sanctity of the mating duel.) Alternatively, the spells might have come from magi in a different timeline, but their effects were felt in this one.
• Draconic Politics: As an alternative to all of the above, thanks to the portals at CHS, Torch might be able to hear Vesuvius getting his ass taloned to him. If an alien alicorn's offer to take the blame doesn't work, a peer yelling at Vesuvius to stop being a whiny sore loser might. (This does raise the question of what Torch would think of his own subjects cavorting with two strangely lava-proof naked apes, his daughter included, but that's another matter. After all, we don't know what he got up to in his youth.)

And that's just what I came up with far less than complete understanding of your preferred Equestria. Just some food for thought on ways to approach and adjust the story. Hope these help!

[dittomute]

hahaha...damn it SPIKE.

I'm reminded of "all's fair in love and war". Neither is intelligent and both are animal. sex is as base animal as you can get
and at the end is manipulative; as Mid, AND Ves has shown.

also did you know erections make males dumber; takes the blood from your brain...so i've heard.
are we really talking about honor here?
If that is the case they just need a new Queen then, right?

[Firesight]

Hey. Sorry to wait a while before answering this, but I wanted to give what you wrote some serious thought first. You clearly put a lot of time and thinking of your own into this, and I do appreciate it.

So. I've been thinking about this since last night and I think I see some possible ways to maintain the draw:

I’m all ears!

Accident: With the sheer number of spells going around and the size and motion of the duelists, they were bound to get hit by some magic whether they meant to or not. Less outside interference, more unavoidable stage hazard. Or the sheer amount of mutative magic in the air, both anatomic and architectural, was enough to effect the change without deliberately targeting either ruler.

That’s possible, and I could think of several ways to accomplish it in-story. My one reservation would be that it would mean that the battle is decided by what basically amounts to accidental intervention, meaning it isn’t a fair outcome or decisive in the eyes of either side. Not cheating per se since neither side had any control over it, but at the same time, not entirely fair, either. “We would have won if that spell hadn’t ricocheted.”

Midnight: It's already been established that she has terrifying levels of probability manipulation, and that's when she's not even trying. The combatants don't need to get hit by dozens of spells each when the right one at the right time and place is all that's needed to turn the tables. Alternatively, Midnight could claim responsibility to provide an excuse for the two leaders to accept an outcome they find personally satisfactory, but that the expectations of their cultures could never let them permit. The draw may not have been their idea, but anyone who disagrees can take it up with the alien alicorn. (Or it at least offers an acceptable compromise, i.e. a solution that leaves both sides equally unhappy. )

So basically, this is Midnight laying down the law with both? Well, I could see her influencing things subtly both by accident and by design, and I could even think of a reason why she’d do it deliberately if she’s already seen that the Cloven are on the way—that the dragons and griffons will need to work together as equals and allies to defeat them, not with one population basically enslaved to the other. This has possibilities to me and I’ll have to think about it further.

Midnight, by Accident: Look, when she's watching a dozen iterations of the duel, can you blame her for losing track of which one's actually happening in front of her? Or subconsciously shifting it to match her desired outcome? Or causing some shifts in the griffon concept of honor? (Going by the erotic architecture, I'm going to go out on a limb and say the overlaid griffon culture puts just a bit less stock in the sanctity of the mating duel.)

More like hundreds or thousands of iterations, which is probably more than even she can handle. But then the question becomes, what outcome does she want? Does she care beyond seeing what happens if one side or the other wins? She might, for the reasons noted above. She could certainly find some solutions more acceptable than others and subconsciously influence them to come about.

Alternatively, the spells might have come from magi in a different timeline, but their effects were felt in this one.

As we already have another reality leaking heavily into this one (the highly sexualized Gryphon Imperium that Midnight discovered), that, too is very possible, and even gives me an idea.

Draconic Politics: As an alternative to all of the above, thanks to the portals at CHS, Torch might be able to hear Vesuvius getting his ass taloned to him. If an alien alicorn's offer to take the blame doesn't work, a peer yelling at Vesuvius to stop being a whiny sore loser might. (This does raise the question of what Torch would think of his own subjects cavorting with two strangely lava-proof naked apes, his daughter included, but that's another matter. After all, we don't know what he got up to in his youth.)

Interesting. Hadn’t considered having Dragon Lord Torch himself appear, though I do plan for him to be mentioned more later. What would he think of everything that’s happening? Good question, and one I’d have to think about more. The adolescents are going to be crossing over into the human realm soon, which will allow for a rather interesting reunion of Sunset and Ember. It seems to me that if Torch makes his appearance, it would be then. If nothing else, that would allow for an equally interesting conversation between the two Dragon Lords.

And that's just what I came up with far less than complete understanding of your preferred Equestria. Just some food for thought on ways to approach and adjust the story. Hope these help!

They do, thanks! I can tell you put a ton of thought into this, and I greatly appreciate it. I won’t be back to the story just yet, as Feathered Hearts has my attention just now, but when I do, I’ll be checking back to this to pick up the chains of thought you sparked. And probably referring back to this comment as well.

[Firesight]

5759179

hahaha...damn it SPIKE.

Well, I know you mean SPIKE2022, but Spike the dog is still out there and will be heard from again.

I'm reminded of "all's fair in love and war". Neither is intelligent and both are animal. sex is as base animal as you can get
and at the end is manipulative; as Mid, AND Ves has shown.

All true. And another option would be for both sides to cheat equally, now that I think about it.

also did you know erections make males dumber; takes the blood from your brain...so i've heard.

I hadn’t heard that, but it wouldn’t really surprise me if true. That’s also the problem with hyper-endowed creatures, you know--enormous cocks would require so much blood to inflate that there probably wouldn’t be enough blood left in the rest of the body to serve the brain and other organs, thus causing blood pressure to plummet and eventually make their owners pass out from lack of oxygen.

are we really talking about honor here?
If that is the case they just need a new Queen then, right?

No problem. I’m sure Queen Eclipse would volunteer. Well, my griffons are very big on honor, so yeah.