If Regret Were A Virtue · 5:55pm Oct 11th, 2023
I didn’t know where I was. I didn’t care. Any random ditch would do. My mind had been in a haze for the past… hour? Hours? Who cares.
Spotting the lights of a town, I halted my flight. I didn’t want to be too close to people for this. No need to burden them with the cleanup. I wasn’t worth it. Just find a ditch… Any will do…
The servos in my metal wings whined as I descended. Every movement stung and ached, but what else was new? The urge to find some Med-X itched my brain relentlessly, but I ignored it. I deserved the pain. The unceasing pain. I deserved what came next even more.
As I touched down in a dirt depression, I searched through my gear. Two fragmentation grenades, and one spark grenade. The latter would keep my repair talismans from fixing the damage from the former. This was enough to kill me, I was sure of it. If I had just brought my M2, this would be far simpler. A fifty to my brain, and it would be done. My execution, which had been suspended for far too long.
Still, the grenades were more than enough if I pressed them to my chest. I considered shoving them in my beak, but if someone did come along I’d rather spare them that imagery.
Holding the metallic apple-shaped explosives in my palm, I slipped a talon through the pin rings. I couldn’t pull them. Why couldn’t I pull them?
…The kid. He just turned 21, didn’t he? And… And he had a daughter now. I had a granddaughter.
I clutched the grenades tighter, pulled the rings, and pressed them to my cold iron heart.
I didn’t deserve to meet her.
B O O M
*****
Swirling blackness gradually faded into the obnoxious warmth of sunlight. Dull, echoing voices bounced through my ears until they finally became comprehensible. I was alive. Damn it.
“I think my guest’s finally coming to.” The voice wasn’t familiar, so I surmised that none of my Talons tracked me down and revived me.
The first thing I noticed is that while I was outside, I wasn’t in that ditch anymore. It was some kind of scrapyard, with a machinist’s shed attached. Over the fence, I could make out a sign a short distance away.
Sunburn Solar Plant
“Can you hear me, mister?” Looking towards the source of the voice, I found myself beak to muzzle with a grizzled mule mare. She wore a mechanic’s jumpsuit and saddlebags filled with tools.
“Yeah… Yeah, I can hear you.” I tried to sit up, but couldn’t.
She winced at my failed attempt. “Sorry, I haven’t quite gotten the rest of you working yet. Those fancy talismans put the parts back together once I got them running, but you’re still running on backup power.”
“It can take a while for the matrix to recharge itself.” I explained.
“Oh, so this happens often?” The mule huffed. “Well, since I’ve done my part, I’ll go get the doctor.” She snorted. “That patrol brought you to the clinic first, but your cyber parts took the brunt of the damage. Wasn’t much to fix that was actually in Kaz’s wheelhouse. I was their next choice, after he gave you some painkillers.”
Yeah, it made perfect sense to bring someone like me to a mechanic.
She continued with a chuckle. “Those soldiers said the sight of you scared poor Dr. Longtalons half to death. Screaming bloody feathers.”
“Bloodfeather,” I corrected. “That’s my name. He must have known who I was.” Sunburn. I’m in an NCR town. Lots of NCR would know who I am.
The mule nodded, then jolted with some realization and trotted to a box. “Kept this as payment, so no need to worry about that.” She held up one of the frag grenades in her teeth. A dud. A dud. What kind of horrible, cursed being was keeping me alive!?
“He’s awake?” I heard a door close behind me. “Thanks, Margo, I’ll take over.”
"Of course, Kasimir." I heard the mule trot to the same door. "Oh, and are those stove parts working out? Amalia have any trouble installing 'em?"
"No trouble at all, and I'll have what I owe you soon." The new voice replied.
Margo chuckled. "Don't fret it. Treating this fella should cover it." I heard the door close again.
A speckled griffon buck trotted around me to check me. “Can you move?”
“What isn’t metal, yeah.” I moved my head a bit, as well as my lower body. My legs, arms, chest, and wings remained motionless.
“Any pain?” He asked professionally.
“Less than usual.” That would undoubtedly change when my cybernetics came back online. Painkillers could only do so much against Slaughter’s handiwork.
An awkward tension hung in the air as he quietly continued the checkup. He didn’t seem familiar, but I swear I’d heard his name before. Some incident I’d heard about, a freak accident involving friendly fire…
“You serve?” I asked.
He blinked. “Yeah, a tour with the NCR. For citizenship, you know?”
“What about before then?” I questioned.
“I’d rather not discuss it.” Yeah, he was a Talon. I won’t press him further. We all have our reasons for leaving that chapter in the past. “Either way, you’re good. As far as I can tell. No errant shrapnel.” I didn’t blame him for being unsure. I was not a normal patient. “I’ll have Margo let me know when you’ve regained movement, and do another checkup then.”
*****
Everything regained power less than a few minutes after he left. I stifled a squawk as the familiar jolt stung through me then faded into a constant ache. Sitting up, I carefully flexed all my appendages and digits, gears whirring and clicking as I did so. Margo brought some coffee.
“Thanks,” I took the tin mug filled with steamy black caffeine. “If you would, hold off on calling that doctor back in. I just need a few minutes, and I’ll fly home.” That was a stretch of the truth. I’d leave, but I wasn’t sure where I’d go. I couldn’t go back to base. Not yet.
Margo glared at me. “You won’t try to blow yourself up again? I see that look in your eyes. You still want to die.”
…She wasn’t wrong.
“Look, I’m something of a therapist around here. Not a job I asked for, mind you. Folks just started telling me their woes while I fixed their toaster, and I guess I was a good listener.” She sat down across from me. “So, lay it on me. Don’t sugarcoat nothing, neither.”
Therapy? Just… tell this stranger my life’s story? Shit, couldn’t hurt.
“I’ve made a lot of mistakes,” I began. “I guess I should start with the first big one. Red Eye.” No reaction? She really has heard a lot. “I signed on because one of my best friends did. I mean, she owned my contract, so it would have been a hassle to say no. Our other friend did say no, and it wasn’t pretty. Stern took her eye for breaching her contract. I should have done something…
“Those two had never gotten along, not even when we were kids. They’d fight, sure, but it was never that bloody.” I paused to sigh and rub my aging face. “I wish I left, too. I wish all three of us ignored the lure of Fillydelphia.” I glanced at an NCR flag. “Gawd definitely made the right call.”
That got a reaction. Among the handful of people I’d told about this, it always did. Still, Margo said nothing. I continued.
“The job obviously wasn’t everything Red Eye promised, but the money was good. Besides a notable raider attack, it was mostly quiet. I started to think it wouldn’t be so bad.
“Stern slipped into the role of ‘Captain of Talon Company’ like a glove, bringing several bands of griffon mercs under her wing. Always an organized perfectionist, she turned us into a proper military practically overnight.
“Though, like any perfectionist, she was the opposite of perfect. She’d had a short temper and shorter patience her whole life, and that didn’t lend itself to sound tactical decisions. That notable raider attack? They had serious firepower, and Stern simply made us hold the line, or even try to push up on them out in the open. She shot Talons who tried to retreat. That was what she and Red Eye had most in common. They didn’t care how many lives they threw at a problem, necessarily or otherwise.
“Call it a bad case of rose-tinted glasses, but I still thought I could save her from herself. I was a damn moron. Huge mistake number two, Stable 17. A reclamation job that went south in about every way imaginable. Red Eye thought it was important enough to send both Stern and I for it, and was convinced the stable would have a large, healthy population to add to his workforce.
“There was a problem as soon as we got there. The exterior door controls were gone. Blasted away, and recently. The stable’s population knew we were coming and sealed themselves inside. Stern had us scour the mountain for any other way in, and we ended up finding air vents. Too small for griffons to slip in, but just right for gas grenades. The residents would have to open their door, or suffocate.
“With how long it took, we were getting worried they chose the latter, but the door eventually opened. Security was easy enough to put down, and we started shackling the ponies who were getting away from the gas. Problem was, there were only a handful. The majority of the stable’s population was still locked downstairs. Nearly a thousand ponies, suffocating to death, because their emergency ventilation system apparently didn't work. We didn’t get the lower levels unsealed in time.
“Stern’s plan just cost Red Eye hundreds of potential slaves. I… couldn’t let her take the fall for that. For more than one reason. I was terrified of what would be done to not just her, but our egg. So I took the blame. I claimed responsibility.
“Red Eye’s punishment for me was… thorough.” I gestured to my body. “I was turned into this. He also made Stern terminate my contract and had me sign a new one. A permanent one. Until he died, I was a slave. For the next twelve years, I was in charge of suicide missions. Forced to watch those under my command get blown away by impossible odds, again and again.
“Stern… turned her back on me. Wouldn’t even let me see our kid. Maybe Red Eye made her, but I’ll never know. She stopped being the person I grew up with. The person I loved. Or maybe she didn’t change. Maybe Fillydelphia just made her more of who she already was. It doesn’t matter now.
“After the battle with the Enclave, after she died, I finally met my son. I… couldn’t tell him who I was to him. He didn’t deserve to know that both of his parents were monsters. I took him in, got him out of that horrible city, and took care of him until he could take care of himself. He went freelance five years ago, and I’ve only occasionally seen him since then.”
I chuckled cruelly at myself. “This all doesn’t really explain me blowing myself up, does it?”
Margo had been listening patiently this whole time, quietly sipping her coffee. “You’ve been setting up the powder keg, sure, but what was the spark?”
“...My own vices.” I sighed. “I’ve… never had much self control. Slipping into addictions came easy to me, especially after what Slaughter did to me. Swapped alcohol for copious amounts of Med-X. I needed a steady supply just to dull the pain enough to sleep. After Filly fell, that supply dried up.
“After that, I became… I hurt people, usually my own Talons. Forced myself on them, just to get rid of the pain for a few minutes. I don’t know why the hell they didn’t just abandon me for it. It made me feel like shit. There’s no excuse for it.
“The last time, before I flew myself to that ditch, was the worst. I hurt that poor girl bad. I just… I needed to put myself down. End my suffering and theirs.” I finally had to stop. If I kept speaking, I’d choke on the words.
The expression on Margo’s face wasn’t judgmental. It wasn’t pitied. It was just… understanding. True to her word, she was a good listener and nothing more.
“My advice?” She offered. “Endure. Live with your mistakes. Turn that regret into motivation to do better.”
She makes it sound so damned easy… but she was right. “...I’ll try.”
Margo continued, "I know what it's like for someone you care for to become distant. To mourn them before they're actually gone. I had a daughter... Rambunctious thing, always picking fights. We'd argue on the daily. One morning, she just up and left. Joined the Steel Rangers, a long time ago. I never heard from her again. After their civil war almost a decade ago, I assumed the worst. Buried everything but a body."
Longtalons had come in by then, catching my attention. He had an odd, worried look on his face as he overheard Margo's story, but he shook it away. As promised, he gave me a final checkup, and dismissed me.
I left soon after. Ahead of me was a long flight, and a lot of apologies.
Margo the Mule: I had a daughter who ran off and joined the Steel Rangers a long time ago. I never heard from her again, and at this point, I don't expect to.
Kaz:
media1.giphy.com/media/v1.Y2lkPTc5MGI3NjExdG4ybHc1c3I3YTd2ZGdodzdhazE4M2g3dHRqNmg1M3k3MTloNXNidyZlcD12MV9pbnRlcm5hbF9naWZfYnlfaWQmY3Q9Zw/H5C8CevNMbpBqNqFjl/giphy.gif
That was pretty rough, but then anyone who served in Fillydelphia will have a lot of demons haunting them. Anyone who served like Crimson did would be hard pressed to not feel similarly I think.
As before I liked the references, and Margo. Hopefully Crimson can find a way to move on.
5750235
In The Storm, Crimson does end up properly confronting some of those demons. People give him a chance he feels he doesn't deserve, and it pays off for him. He gets forgiveness from people he never expected to get it from.
I didn't want to presume, but I feel like Margo is the kind of person Kaz and Amy would up venting to sometimes.
5750237
Oh, yeah, they probably would at times. You definitely got that part right with Kaz, and he wouldn't like to talk about it to random people, but over time if he and Amy got to know her they'd probably give some details over time.
I also missed your comment earlier about the Steel Ranger mule, and... he'd definitely keep that quiet if that were canon. That mare was actually a throwaway in joke on my part since she was a character I came up with for a pen and paper RPG that never materialized, so I just reused the concept. Never even had a name that I recall.
5750252
If he did confess that to Margo, she'd forgive him pretty quickly. She'd undoubtedly assume her daughter started the fight and didn't leave him any choice.
5750235
Silver lining with Crimson's situation: When Red Eye died he was free to completely ignore Stern, take his battalion into the metro tunnels, and wait for the battle to blow over. Any pegasi dumb enough to follow were caught in a death funnel.
His genuine reaction to Stern's plan to meet the Enclave, a technologically superior enemy who had home-field advantage in the sky, in aerial combat:
He knew better than anyone how tactically braindead Stern could be. While she was excellent at organizing Talon, she was awful at leading it.
When she died, Crimson wasn't too upset. He'd already long since mourned the person he grew up with.
5751955
Yeah, I pictured her as something like a gang lord who outgrew her role, who had little interest or experience with property strategy and tactics and farmed that off to her lieutenants. When she was forced to take an active role in defense planning, she just did what she was used to with a show of force that was very badly mismatched to the foe.
Even before then she probably didn't have many people who were happy with her, but that would have finished alienating anyone who was.
5752164
This plays well into my head canon for her early life. I imagined she was actually a street orphan, hence not having a surname, and wasn't a real Talon. She basically started a merc gang with Crimson and Gawdyna that emulated the Talons. Stern was a scary, commanding figurehead, but Gawdyna was a better tactician than her, and Crimson was a better fighter than her. Stern simply leached off of their strengths.
They did well enough for themselves that when Red Eye came around, he was impressed enough with Stern's reputation to give her an offer. With his sponsorship, she'd bring
allmost of the splintered Talon groups under her command into a single entity. Gawdyna being a notable exception.5752164
Stern be like:
5752164
Stern, Gawdyna, and Crimson’s dynamic before Red Eye: