Every Article about the Health Benefits of Coffee Ever · 9:33pm Jan 2nd, 2023
(This is a parody if that wasn't obvious. If you've never read one of the real articles this blog is based on, it'll save you some time.)
Coffee is a drink enjoyed by many people every day all over the world, as if you didn't know that already, but these articles need a lot of padding to make them seem ad-worthy so, there's the obvious out of the way. Coffee is a drink made from coffee beans which are ground and then heated water is usually filtered through them in a process called brewing coffee. Coffee can be hot or iced and is usually consumed for its high caffeine content and earthy flavor. Coffee beans are harvested from tropical regions around the world. Insert the entire history of coffee beans here.
We talked to exactly one expert who is almost completely unknown in the fields of nutrition and chemistry but because they have an Ivy League degree in pharmaceuticals, we spoke to them in a Skype call to get their advice. This "expert" may have very little actual credibility and more than a few detractors, few actual peers and colleagues and they may haven't actually been outside of the ten-mile square radius where they live and work at a university in a completely unrelated field, but what they lack in significant knowledge they more than make up for in opinions and recent industry-funded studies.
"I love coffee! I'm quoting as saying that to make it seem like I'm one of you, when I'm really a normie with second-hand knowledge on the subject and I haven't actually changed anything about myself in the past twenty-five years," says the expert we paid a couple hundred bucks to say that. And their quotes are paraphrased. "My family history isn't relevant at all to the subject, nor is my daily life and routine, but I'm going to spend time telling you about it anyway because it pads out the article and helps to get sympathy from you so you'll buy this bullshit I'm saying. We'll also throw in a little light sexism, because controversy and a little shade sells."
Here's where we actually tell you the health benefits of coffee. Coffee is the best thing in the world you can possibly put in your body, it improves your heart, lungs and liver and even your brain, it cleans your arteries and veins and balances your checkbook, it pays your bills and can cure cancer. But all of these health benefits are lost if you put literally anything into your coffee that isn't some ancient herb imported from a third-world country or an actual leaf off a tree, and even most of those are bad for you. Every single benefit from drinking coffee is immediately lost if you attempt to make it taste like anything other than a hot cup of wet dirt. Cream and sugar especially and even artificial sweetener, even milk is instantly bad for you.
The best way to drink your coffee according to five studies we found online is to drink it as light a roast as possible and black. So it basically tastes like sour dirt, because the lighter roasts actually contain more acidity. All the rich earthy taste is lost and what remains is basically liquid plant. You're drinking a toasted plant at this point. And we've found that you don't even need caffeine to enjoy the benefits, you know that other reason people drink coffee, and you can even get the benefits by just smelling it in the morning.
So basically, these "scientists" are getting close to the ground-breaking discovery that just relaxing and sipping or smelling some hot or iced water and taking a minute to de-stress is good for your heart health and overall health. They take all sorts of "findings" from these studies and use them to create statistical models which lead to a conclusion that doing something will lead to marginal significant change of some sort, possible improvement. And while some of these people doing this are actually trying to improve peoples' lives, these articles are mostly just clickbait and you shouldn't read them.
Coffee: drink it however the fuck you want, just don't go crazy and don't overdo it. All things in moderation.
Nine out of ten participants in a study that involved being paid for favorable responses have made choices that we are interpreting as total and complete approval of our statements and claims. Trust us!