Health, Mental and Physical · 9:31pm Dec 28th, 2022
To start with, this has been the longest pause in my writing since then late 90s, and it’s more frustrating than anything else. I feel like I can’t make any forward progress on any ideas, even though I’ve been starting to get more of them of late. I need to do something to change that, but it’s not as easy as just wanting to do something. Motivation and Action turns out to be quite different things to muster.
There has also been the problem of my health, as I’ve been dealing with some ongoing problems since the start of the year, leaving me dealing with chronic pain (and even worse, irregular chronic pain, as it comes and goes). After a number of tests and other such probing the results was GI problem, made worse because of scarring from some past surgery. That doesn’t feel like a good explanation, but it’s the only one that I have, and it doesn’t change just how much it can hurt and it makes it very hard to focus on anything.
I’ve been trying dietary changes, but so far things haven’t really improved much, but for the moment it’s an ongoing process, but one without a clear end in sight, or even a proper end goal other then just feeling better. I never really understood just how tiring chronic pain really is, I had been told about it in the past, but being told about something and dealing with it are very different things. Tiring is the best way to describe it, it’s just constantly draining, and some days I just want to sit and do nothing for as long as possible. I am trying to stay physically active, with some different levels of successes, but it’s something I’m trying to keep doing.
So, as I’ve been dealing with this for so long, why did I want until now to say anything about it? The thing is, I know that I’m not the only one dealing with this sort of thing, and that some of my friends are fighting through much worse shit then this. I also know that this doesn’t invalidate the way I feel; unfortunately, that part of my brain that hates me and wants me to die keeps telling me that it does, and that no one wants to know about or hear my problems, or worse, talking about them would alienate those who I enjoy being around and talking with. I know this is wrong, but it’s sometimes hard to believe that.
That’s not to say things have been all bad this last year, I did manage to pay off my house (so yay for that!) though that is balanced my having my car drop dead, so I had to get a new one. I also got a new cat after a few years of not having one, which has been a really nice improvement in my overall quality of life. So, there have been some good moments over all.
I do have a few half-finished stories in the queue from before my writing pause, and I do want to try to get one or two things posted before the end of the year (what little that is left of it) but I can’t promise anything there. I’ve been tempted to ask for random ideas for quick stories, something I could as a single session in order to challenge myself and get my drive going. Nothing to complicated, just a simple basic idea without a lot of plot to go with it. Who knows, we’ll have to see what will happen. I’m also debating the future of my patreon, and if it’s worth keeping it running in any way other then as a tip jar, and there are better choices for that. So news for that will be pending.
Lastly, thank you for sticking with me after all this time. I have no way I can express how much it means to me that there are people out there that car about me and how I’ve been doing. I probably wouldn’t even be bothering to say anything at all if it wasn’t for all of you.
Just because you know others are going through worse doesn't mean that what you are going through is any less valid. I hope things get better for you.
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