Chapter 2
MEDIC! I Require Assistance!
“FYI, Your Dead and Trolldier. Shall we destroy them?" The bat winged stallion simply nodded his head. I picked soldier and he picked scout. The other players picked medic and heavy. “Should be easy.” Then, death, death, and a little more death. “I am royally angry.” I said holding back. “I got to go, see you later Princess.” said my guard. One he left, I flipped out and shot the computer with a magic outburst. I stopped for a second “Well… crap.”
Ow, my face, ow. “Can I get the plate number of that truck?” “It’s awake Tia!” said some voice, sounding female. “Tia, I don’t know no Tia.” I said as I opened my eyes. Standing in front of me was a pony. It had wings… and a horn. It was beautiful dark and light blue colors. I could dive into those eyes. Wait, what the fuck?! Brain stop thinking those things right NOW! “Uh… Hello?” “THOU SHALL ADDRESS ME AS THOU’S PRINCESS!” She yelled. I’m surprised she can’t shatter glass this that volume. “I don’t know about you, but I just freakin’ fell in from another dimension after I owned some people in Team Fortress 2. Cut me some slack will ya!” “What, what is your name on Steam?” she asked wondering. “It’s FYI, Your Dead. Why?” “I might be the reason you’re here.” she chuckled nervously. “WHAT!?!?” I yelled with a voice that could rival her’s.
“What’s all the noise about Luna?” It was another one of those ponies walked in but she was white. “Who is this? Did you get that lonely to summon somepony else to play with you?” “SHUT UP!!!!” The blue pony and I yelled at her. “Who are you anyway?” “The name’s Jones and where the fuck am I?” “You are in Equestria.” I pointed to the blue one and said “I blame her.” “What did I do?!” “You brought me here! I fell outta the sky because of you!” “Hey! It’s my job to argue with my sister, not you!” The white one said. “Speaking of which, what’s you name!?” “I am Princess Celestia and the one to the right of you is my sister, Princess Luna.” “So, care to explain how you sister managed to get me here?”
“Princess Celestia, your student and her friends are here to see you.” a guard put simply. “Send her in.” Then, from down the hallway I hear this “What do ya think Celestia wanted us here?” said one with a southern accent. “I don’t know, but it sounded like a small problem.” I got off the floor and whispered in Celestia’s ear “This is a small problem?! Helping a human get back to his own dimension!? I don’t wanna know what a big problem is.” She giggled a little. Then six ponies more ponies walked in. Two had just horns, two with just wings, and two with nether. They were all different colors. White, purple, orange, pink, cyan, and yellow. “What’s the problem…” is all the purple one could get out. “Not such a small problem now eh?” I said.
Hey um just going to say its short and um the conversation between the characters is confusing sometimes. Damn is this how a critic feels, I rather just be quite sometimes. Anyway it seems good(maybe I should not say that might get yelled at).
But all I am saying since this is your first and it is ok......
lassechor.com/wp-content/uploads/Screen-Shot-2012-02-08-at-11.26.00-.png
to make you feel better
2402731 Thanks for the advise. Over the next few chapters I'll lenthen the chapters. Conserning the conversasion, I have no than two characters talking at the same time, so any conversation is between two characters. For example: "How does that work?" asked Twilight. "Ah don't know Twilight." replied Applejack "I must figure this out!" "You do that, sugarcube."
2403019 happy to help
Good start here. It would help immensely to add more detail here and there, and also to split things up a bit when someone else is speaking.
MEDIC! I Require Assistance!
"“FYI, Your Dead and Trolldier. Shall we destroy them?" The bat winged stallion simply nodded his head. I picked soldier and he picked scout. The other players picked medic and heavy. “Should be easy.” Then, death, death, and a little more death.
(Maybe add some momentary flashes of the epic ownage going on against her?)
“I am royally angry.” I said holding back.
(Maybe the guard is getting visibly nervous at this point, watching his Goddess gearing up for a meltdown?) “I got to go, see you later Princess.” said my guard.
OnCe he left, I flipped out and shot the computer with a magic outburst. I stopped for a second (looking at the damage she made and seeing the human on the floor?) “Well… crap.”
(Maybe a seperation or a indicator that it's someone else speaking.. =+=+=+= Hero's view =+=+=+= )
Ow, my face, ow. “Can I get the plate number of that truck?”
“It’s awake Tia!” said some voice, sounding female.
“Tia, I don’t know no Tia.” I said as I opened my eyes. Standing in front of me was a pony. It had wings… and a horn. It was beautiful dark and light blue colors. I could dive into those eyes. Wait, what the fuck?! Brain stop thinking those things right NOW! “Uh… Hello?”
(perhaps she drew herself up majestically or angrily?) “THOU SHALL ADDRESS ME AS THOU’S PRINCESS!” She yelled.
I’m surprised she can’t shatter glass this that volume. “I don’t know about you, but I just freakin’ fell in from another dimension after I owned some people in Team Fortress 2. Cut me some slack will ya!”
(Stunned look from Luna?) “What, what is your name on Steam?” she asked wondering.
“It’s FYI, Your Dead. Why?”
(Sheepishly scuffing a hoof?) “I might be the reason you’re here.” she chuckled nervously.
“WHAT!?!?” I yelled with a voice that could rival her’s....
____________________
Hope this helps
CRITIC MODE ACTIVATE!
ok, its short(if its less then 1,000 then it should int be it's own chapter, probably stick it with another chapter), dialogue is confusing and to short, try to think what you would do in these situation and how they would react ie: i would spend at least an hour mixed between joy, rage, confusion and feeling insane, Dialogue is int very deep and could be a bit longer, the story seems a bit rushed, maybe you should have made a chapter or two on Earth to build up some character for the human and likewise for Luna, most people try to sperate dialogue from one character and another like:
"where em i?" i said
"In Equestria" Trollestia said
"K"
now that the negative is done, now for the positive! It is an interesting idea for a story and i will probably end up reading on, you got best pony as a main character so im happy, The human seems to be reacting realistically
is what everyone would say. Wow, first time being a critic, hope i wasint to harsh but you cant get better without realizing your flaws. If you fix the story a bit, i would definatly love this being a big TF2 fan. Since its your first, you've done pretty good
troll.me/images/thumbs-up-jesus-says/you-did-good-mah-bro-thumb.jpg
stay pony may friend /)
dude you need to use paragraphs in convosations like.
"uhhh....Hello"
“THOU SHALL ADDRESS ME AS THOU’S PRINCESS!”
like dat :3
also its US not me
“THOU SHALL ADDRESS US AS THOU’S PRINCESS!”
2403486 Thnx for the advice
Conserning conversation, i have no more than two people at one time. For example: "How does that work?" asked Twilight. "Ah don't know Twilight." replied Applejack "I must figure this out!" "You do that, sugarcube." The Luna part with the guard explanes how Jason Ended up in Equestria and when I say he is flying through the sky, it sorta explanes itself that he was not originaly in the castle, Luna brought him to the castle.
2404960 Thnx for the advice, but I have no more than two people talking at the same time. For Example: "How does that work?" asked Twilight. "Ah don't know Twilight." replied Applejack "I must figure this out!" "You do that, sugarcube."
BTW Its ME becauses it's just Luna at the current moment, not Luna and Celestia
2404780Thanks for the help The conversations only happen between two people and alternate. For exp: "How does that work?" asked Twilight. "Ah don't know Twilight." replied Applejack "I must figure this out!" "You do that, sugarcube."
BTW Just wait, there are major reasons they are gamers. Take a wild guess.