The last time I read a story with such unfannon character clop was while reading 'Scootaloo's Love for Pain'.
HOWEVER.
Unlike that other story, I actually tried to enjoy this one. I can tell that you have potential- it was clear in how you wrote, but I suggest you take some of my feedback to further your success.
For starters, get an editor! Or at least re-read the story you just wrote to find some of the glaring errors. We're no Equestria Daily here, but I can tell you that any decent brony likes a story they can follow and understand.
I found the lack of names in the first three segments confusing, and I was left concentrating on what exactly was happening to who, instead of immersing myself in the masochism (And sadism!).
And about the masochism. I don't think you really need to coin the story a BDSM fic, simply because there was much more emphasis on the latter two 'S&M'.
Foalcon in always good, never gonna complain there.
As for your comment on narrative style. You know you remind me of me. I love to experiment with different narratives and whatnot. If you were to go to my page, you'll know that I'm an active and prominent member elsewhere on this sight, so I'm not bulshitting to relate. And I sort of like the narrative. It let me focus on the clop, and sort of blurred the lines about how many royals actually had their turn with Sweetie Belle (?).
As a final note. You had mentioned this in a line:
“Yes... *cough my prince.” This earned me a kick in the ribs.
To make it more professional, you should probably try this: "Yes-" I coughed "-my prince"
Anyhow, take a like, I like what you were trying to do here.
I'm a little confused, to be honest, but I hope it'll get clearer for me in the following chapters. So, this Lala is desperately searching for her prince, while having some sort of enchanting ability, which makes everypony want to have her, while knowing they can't, which makes them aggressive... or maybe she had a masochistic streak to begin with, and this is exactly what she wanted from them...?
The last time I read a story with such unfannon character clop was while reading 'Scootaloo's Love for Pain'.
HOWEVER.
Unlike that other story, I actually tried to enjoy this one. I can tell that you have potential- it was clear in how you wrote, but I suggest you take some of my feedback to further your success.
For starters, get an editor! Or at least re-read the story you just wrote to find some of the glaring errors. We're no Equestria Daily here, but I can tell you that any decent brony likes a story they can follow and understand.
I found the lack of names in the first three segments confusing, and I was left concentrating on what exactly was happening to who, instead of immersing myself in the masochism (And sadism!).
And about the masochism. I don't think you really need to coin the story a BDSM fic, simply because there was much more emphasis on the latter two 'S&M'.
Foalcon in always good, never gonna complain there.
As for your comment on narrative style. You know you remind me of me. I love to experiment with different narratives and whatnot. If you were to go to my page, you'll know that I'm an active and prominent member elsewhere on this sight, so I'm not bulshitting to relate. And I sort of like the narrative. It let me focus on the clop, and sort of blurred the lines about how many royals actually had their turn with Sweetie Belle (?).
As a final note. You had mentioned this in a line:
To make it more professional, you should probably try this:
"Yes-" I coughed "-my prince"
Anyhow, take a like, I like what you were trying to do here.
I'm a little confused, to be honest, but I hope it'll get clearer for me in the following chapters. So, this Lala is desperately searching for her prince, while having some sort of enchanting ability, which makes everypony want to have her, while knowing they can't, which makes them aggressive... or maybe she had a masochistic streak to begin with, and this is exactly what she wanted from them...?
That's as far as I can imagine it at the moment.