Ace Swift Wasn't Evil

by Misty Shadow

The Aced Turnabout

Phoenix Wright waited for the miracle to happen, but nothing occurred after the judge banged his gavel and made his speech about Rainbow Dash being held to a higher court in lieu of her guilty verdict. All he felt like doing was burying his face with his hands as he walked out of the courthouse. Twilight Sparkle’s attempts to comfort him as she followed were not heard by his ears, for his spirit was broken. All he felt like doing was remembering...remembering back to a time when nothing mattered...

Nothing that mattered back then at least...

Just yesterday...

“Phoenix...I was wrong about you...” said a despondent Twilight.

“Twilight, wait I-,” Phoenix replied, but he was too late, as Twilight had already left.

“She’s gone...” he said. “Who am I kidding? She’s right...I did absolutely terrible in there...Now two of her friends are suspects. What do I do now? I don’t have any leads at all, nobody to turn to. I’m all by myself...Which means...I can’t even get back home...”

But even though nothing mattered anymore, he felt a feeling of hope...

“...” Phoenix’s attitude changed. “No, I can’t think that way, I’ve got to stay diligent. I said I’d clear Rainbow Dash’s name, and I bought her another day. I can’t let it go to waste...but where do I start...?”

And then Pinkie Pie showed up and the rest was history.

But today, it was proven with hard evidence that that hope was all for naught. Phoenix Wright’s efforts were all for diddly-iddly squat.

Who was pointing that out to Phoenix Wright as the bailiff prepared to move Rainbow Dash to a place where she would get a lot more time to practice her new grooves? Why none other than Derpy Hooves!

The defense was only allowed to ask three questions

About a pathetically short testimony the prosecution worked best in

Even though the defense worked his magic like a genie

In the end he lost, leaving us asking just one question, why is the prosecutor such a pussy...cat.

“Thank you everyone!” Derpy finished.

“Ha ha...” Trixie laughed, overhearing the poem as she entered the recess room. “Pathetically short...you three buff-headed buffoons are the ones who are pathetically short...of any worth! Especially you Twilight Sparkle! You were no match for Trixie from the start, but you could have at least avoided being the sorriest excuse for a waste of Trixie’s time! I don’t even feel compelled to rub your embarrassing loss in your face...my victory says it all...LOSERS! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!”

Then with a smoke bomb, Trixie and her bombastic attitude were gone. But the sting of her victory remained as Twilight and Phoenix kneeled their heads in anger and shame, and Derpy lifted her head towards the ceiling smiling at the problems above us now. All was lost...

Unless...

“Hey guys, I just remembered something!” Fluttershy yelled happily at Twilight and Phoenix, trying to cheer them up. “Another pony besides Rainbow Dash came out of the Everfree Forest that night! She might know something that could get everypony to believe that Rainbow Dash is actually innocent!”

Twilight and Phoenix lifted their shaking right arms up in response.

“...Tell it to the judge...” they politely replied as they pointed to the judge who was walking into the court lobby.

“The judge?” the judge replied. “I prefer to be called “Your Honor”, thank you very much.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry for my friends Your Honor...” Fluttershy apologized, sympathizing with Twilight and Phoenix. “They’re just terse because they lost, and that’s something I can really relate to right now.”

“I must say that I feel a similar way, erm...Fluttershy,” the judge responded. “Back in my world, I see pathetic losers all the time in court. I’ll never know why they do what they do, but I try my best to not let it affect my judgement. Things like that just weigh us down and cause problems.”

“Hey, you’re right! That’s really...” Fluttershy paused as she examined the floor. “Excuse me, is it just me, or is the floor really...wet?”

“Why good jolly on toast, you’re right!” the judge felt the dampness of the lobby’s rug. “Are there children in here that I must have the bailiff escort to the bathroom?!”

Unbeknown to them, Phoenix and Twilight ran to the restroom crying. And unbeknown to Phoenix and Twilight, as they cried their eyes out in the sink, ten silhouettes of mares who looked like zombies with stitched up bellies appeared in the mirror. They grinned at our two crestfallen heroes for a few seconds and then vanished when Phoenix and Twilight lifted their heads.

“Anyways Your Honor,” Fluttershy resumed but was interrupted.

“No need to call me that!” said the judge. “I just remembered that I momentarily lost my memory. I actually prefer to be called “Judge”.”

“Oh sorry,” Fluttershy felt silly for not guessing that the judge would be forgetful. “Anyways Judge, how would you like to see the ruler of all of Equestria, Princess Celestia? Would that be your Honor?”

“It certainly would be my Honor!” the judge replied. “I still haven’t even gotten the chance to fully explore this fantastic land, being implored to meet your leader would provide a great opportunity for me!”

“Then let’s go to the train station and meet her in Canterlot!” Fluttershy grabbed the judge’s right hand and escorted him out of the courthouse, glad she had been subtle about her plan. She was plotting to utilize Celestia’s all-knowing intelligence to find out from her the best way to find the pony who came out of the Everfree Forest and fix this mess, but unfortunately, it was not going to work...

As Fluttershy and the judge walked out of the courthouse, they heard some rustling in a nearby bush that hadn’t been there before...

“Hmm...” both of them eyed the bush suspiciously. “Who do you suppose is in that bush, Fluttershy? Do you think it’s a robber waiting to ambush us before we get on the train?”

“Maybe it’s just a bunny trying to play a game with us that involves sneaking up on our backs?” Fluttershy hypothesized optimistically.

“Heh heh...” a voice from the bush laughed. “I like these questions...so why don’t you...AXE ME ANOTHER!”

“AAAAAIIIIIEEEEE!!!” Fluttershy and the judge shrieked in terror as a dark unicorn-shaped figure jumped out of the bush wielding an axe! The figure preemptively struck them on the heads with the stick supporting the axe and they both fell to the ground splattered and unconscious.

“Now Ace Swift’s legacy shall remain a mystery...” the figure snickered, throwing a smoke bomb on the ground and disappearing with Fluttershy and the judge.

Back inside the courthouse, Twilight and Phoenix heard the screaming.

“That sounded like Fluttershy...” Twilight and Phoenix said, exchanging fearful looks. “She must be in danger!”

They ran out of the bathroom, only to find that the lobby was completely empty, save for one pony...Princess Celestia.

“Hello, my faithful student and her faithful friend...” Celestia put her bangs over her head and held a glass of wine in her right hoof. “Glad you’re here, it would be lonely just talking to myself in here.”

“Princess please!” Twilight exclaimed as sweat trickled down her forehead. “We lost the trial, and you have to help us! Fluttershy could be...”

“Kidnapped?” Celestia replied as she swirled the wine in the glass with a confident grin on her face. “Along with the judge by a mysterious unicorn trying to stop anypony from meeting with me to discover Ace Swift’s dark and mysterious legacy?”

Phoenix and Twilight were both completely silent for a second.

“Did you um...witness that...Your Majesty?” Phoenix asked, feeling very scared.

“No. But I found this stuff lying on the ground as I walked in here...” Celestia levitated a folded piece of paper that appeared to be a ransom note, two uniforms with one being red and the other being green, and a big, blue book into Phoenix’s hands. “I think after reading that note, it should be obvious what your next choice of mission should be...”

Phoenix opened the note and began to read what it said:

To Twilight Sparkle and Her Stupid Friend,

Did you really think everything was over after your loss with a good and potent warlock such as I? If you actually believed that Twilight, you and your magician friend are even worse defense attorneys than I thought. Trixie knows that there is still far more to this case than meets the eye, and the fact that your other friends figured that out before you did is just sad. I kidnapped them before they could realize what they were suffering, and I am now holding them hostage deep in the Everfree Forest, far behind Zecora’s hut. What Trixie needs you two meatheaded boneheads to do for me is to go to the Ponyville mortuary disguised as trash disposal workers and collect the body of Ace Swift. Bring it behind Zecora’s hut in the Everfree Forest by 8:00 PM tonight, and then use the spellbook Sonata provided you to bring the late pegasus back to life so that his legacy may be revealed to Trixie! If you do not agree to my demands, your friends shall join Ace in a special place where I’m sure they’ll be able to learn all about him...in Tartarus, the land of the doomed! Heh heh. I’m departing!

Love,

???

(I just don’t know what to put here...)

As Twilight looked over at the note, she found herself sharing a stare of utter confusion with Phoenix. There was so much wrong with this note, it was mandatory for them to choose where to start with the contradictions in it, and they decided on...

“The spellbook...” Phoenix and Twilight flipped through it in disbelief. “Even if this spellbook somehow does contain magic for raising the dead, there is no way the kidnapper would just hand us something like that when they could easily do their own dirty work all by their self...hmm?”

Phoenix and Twilight realized that they could read the hieroglyphics for the spells as if they were clear English. And sure enough, one of the spells listed in the book...was a spell for bringing a dead pony back to life. They looked up at a smiling Celestia.

“I’m sure you’re capable of doing this kidnapper’s dirty work now...” Celestia reassured. “Now is not the time to be doubtful and asking questions, now is the time to be hopeful and trying your best to save your friends!”

Phoenix and Twilight were both very suspicious of Celestia now.

“Come to think of it...” Phoenix thought. “She doesn’t seem at all disappointed that we didn’t win the trial...could this whole “Fluttershy’s kidnapping/Ace Swift’s legacy” tale just be a trick? I think she did something with Fluttershy and the judge outside before she came in here...”

“Now that it’s been mentioned...” Twilight thought. “Celestia clearly knew some things about this case from the start that she wouldn’t reveal when I pressed her...It wouldn’t be unimaginable for her to hide details from us in order to get us to embark on her little “missions”...”

“You both seem untrusting of me...” Celestia grinned. “Even though it doesn’t matter, seeing as you two have no other options but to believe me, I am feeling...generous. I’ll let you ask me one question regarding this whole issue...a question that I promise to answer truthfully before I send you away.”

“What a schmuck...” Phoenix chuckled. “I’m going to love seeing you keep up your charade of lies after I’ve interrogated you with this, Pinnochio’s conscience!”

“What should we ask her, Phoenix?” said Twilight. “With careful wording, she could easily dodge our question like glue on the ball!”

“Don’t worry...” Phoenix already knew what to do. “With the question I’ve prepared, we’ll get her beans spilled like pot on a medium’s pearl!”

“Now Celestia...” Phoenix held the Magatama in front of Celestia’s red, contorted face. “My question is...”

Phoenix asked...”Are you evil?”

Celestia answered...”No. I have never hurt anyone, and I never intend on hurting anyone! That also means the judge and Fluttershy!”

No Psyche-Locks appeared...she was telling the truth!

“Now begone with you!” Celestia’s horn lit up with aura, and Twilight and Phoenix were both teleported to outside the local mortuary.

“That went surprisingly well!” Phoenix smiled optimistically at a bemused Twilight.

“Your well-intentioned yet insensitive question was a surprisingly necessary evil...” Twilight replied with mixed emotions.

Later, inside the mortuary...

It was 5:00 PM now (Phoenix and Twilight needed time to plan how they would get Ace’s body), and there was one unicorn left on his shift in the morgue. He was waiting by the front desk with a cash register and a computer for ponies to come and claim the corpses of their departed family members and friends for a nominal fee. Unfortunately, because funerals and burials were unpopular in Equestria, business was typically slow and many of the dead bodies had to be thrown in the garbage so that they could be cremated by the trashmen. The bodies were kept in metal shelves in the back under two separate categories, with the left category having a sign reading “Scum!”, and the right category having a sign reading “Good Meat!”. Prior to being put in the shelves, research was done on the dead corpses who had lost their lives to see if their begone owners had been naughty or nice. With such knowledge, the secretary pony would not be an easy one to pull a trick on, but Twilight and Phoenix had a ruse prepared...

“Whistle so you’re warped, kid!” Phoenix and Twilight said proverbially like blood brothers, as they came into the morgue donning the red and green uniforms. “It’s the link to the contradiction in your sanity, but we’ll break it by exorcising the ghosts and goblins from your castle that stretches miles long, because we’re the Plumber Trashmen!”

“Oh, this is just preachy...” the bored secretary wasn’t feeling keen on this. “I’ll have you plumed pork pullers let the man upstairs know that his pipes don’t need to be cleaned, lubricated, or paid for! What that means is that those are the worst waste management disguises I’ve ever seen!”

Twilight and Phoenix both looked nervous and sweated in frustration.

“Okay Mr. Dug Funny,” Phoenix replied, “I got a joke for you. Why do they call us trashmen “waste managers”? Because.....we’re always finding new waste to get waysted! And cue...DEAD silence!”

Dead silence filled the room as predicted.

“It’s unfunny because it’s true...” Twilight sighed. “Look sir, what kind of trashmen we are doesn’t matter right now. We’re just here to collect the body of Ace Swift, and then we’ll be on our way.”

Dead silence filled the room as unpredicted as the secretary looked into Twilight’s eyes with great fear.....

“Ace Swift...” he said eerily. “...I told them he wasn’t here...he wasn’t in the shelf because I got bored on the job...I did a good job like a good boy...and you’re here to punish me...because you’re not trashmen...YOU’RE FROM THE FBI!!!IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIIIII DIDN’T KNOW!!!”

The secretary had gone crazy Toony Looms over Slender, and with a cherry “WOAH!” he made a huge mess with his cutie marked, round table vertically blasted radius. A traumatized Twilight and Phoenix made their way around a brown mess to the back of the room. To the left of the shelves used to store the bodies, they noticed a door that read “Secretary’s Closet”. Out of curiosity, they opened it, and found that it contained just what they were looking for. The body of a charred Ace Swift...tied to the ceiling by his hooves with a blue-coated caramel apple ducktaped in his mouth by the stick. The blue caramel from the apple had somehow dripped from his throat to the back of his pants area...magic?

“Wow, that insane secretary has a sick sense of humor...” Phoenix observed the horrible prank Ace suffered through. “I almost feel sorry for this pathetic excuse for a loser now...”

“This taste...” Twilight tasted the blue goo from the back of Ace’s funny pants. “This is the taste of...TRUE MAGIC! That...that creep! He went way too far! I’ll get him for this!”

Heh heh.....You’re doing a good job.....

Frightening words chilled both Phoenix and Twilight to the bone, as ten of the shelves in the right category opened ominously, and the ten zombies with stitched bellies that our heroes failed to see in the mirror way back walked up to Twilight and Phoenix...uttering the horrifying words in a ghostly tone...

You’re doing a good job.....You’re doing a good job.....

Before Phoenix and Twilight got a chance to scream, the secretary squeaked shrilly and fell to the floor passed out.....at the hooves of the figure who kidnapped the judge and Fluttershy!

“You...you just couldn’t let it go, could you?” the dark unicorn figure chuckled in Trixie’s voice as she donned a pair of wings.

“We knew it...” Twilight and Phoenix weren’t surprised as she removed her hood. “Even before we looked at the spellbook, it was completely obvious that the kidnapper was you...”

“DERPY HOOVES!” they concluded as they gazed upon a new Derpy...a fusion between Ditzy Doo and Trixie...WHITEMAILER DIXIE!

“The two girls are now one...” Derpy cupped her hooves. “Trixie was such a fool...a fool who got too foolish for her own intellect. She was supposed to throw that trial...and give up trying to find the truth behind Ace Swift’s legacy. I knew if she kept investigating she would eventually discover my dark little secret...that I am not just a whitemailer, but that I am also Ace Swift’s sister...his true successor...the one who will obtain the dark power of his legacy! Oh well...I guess she got her wish for power...DAH WHA HA HA HA!”

“WHAT THE HECK IS THIS STUPID LEGACY, ANYWAYS?!” Twilight and Phoenix shouted. “What the heck are you?!”

“I’ll explain everything before I send you to the fray...” Derpy gave a sinister smirk as she teleported them to the Everfree Forest, where a story unfolded, but had to wait until the sequel because of length. Regardless, it would soon be revealed why Ace Swift was not evil...

The Ending of Bad Ending Without the Story.

Author's Note:

Next time is the story, but you don’t need it because you already have the bad ending. Thanks for reading, and if you want to read Derpy’s story on how this all came to be, it’s in the next part! Have fun!