The Revolutionaries

by Sketchy Pen

Chapter 1

She was still a quite young mare; situationally clever yet somewhat clumsy. She knew no fear aside from that of spiders. She seriously hated those things. On the occasions she could find a muffin, it felt like Christmas, Halloween, and her birthday all wrapped up in one. She was almost never seen without a smile on her face and, even if her sentences didn’t quite make sense, gave excellent advice on account of being older than the majority of those she led.

Her coat was a pale blue-gray, her slightly ruffled mane and tail the color of straw. Her Cutie Mark was that of four bubbles, and no one including her knew exactly what it meant. But her eyes were the important feature; they were golden-yellow and pointed in two different directions whichever way she happened to look. This condition affected her speech and depth perception as well, but despite this she was an excellent leader and a wonderful friend.

Her name was a long one; thus most referred to her as simply “Commander” “Ditzy” or “Commander Ditzy.” Though the title didn’t quite make sense, as the organization had a minimal if any system of hierarchy.

She was Desiderata “Ditzy” Doo, leader of the Equestrian Rebellion under the memory of Princess Luna, expert smuggler, lover of all things muffin. And, if she did say so herself, pretty handy with a dagger.

At that particular moment, Ditzy was walking down the nearly-empty streets of Ponyville, Equestria, with her mail bag full of letters and small packages. This wasn’t an extraordinary sight. And Ditzy knew the patrollers didn’t know she knew, which makes a little more sense if you break the sentence into parts.

Ponyville was a small town; not so small that one could conceivably know everypony, but large enough as to be called a town. According to history books, it had once been a lively, colorful place, which Ditzy found hard to believe. To her, Ponyville would always be a drab, dead place with 24/7 surveillance and citizens that hid in their houses as much as legally possible.

Ditzy was largely exceptional for the reason she walked around under the gray skies seeming without a care in the world as she carried the mail, occasionally stopping by Sugarcube Corner for a coffee.

But contrary to what citizens thought of Ditzy, she wasn’t just a dim-witted Marefilly. Inside, her mind was sharp as a tack, her splayed eyes noticing every single little detail and her memory recording and storing them for future reference.

There was, of course, no way she’d ever let any citizens aside from those in her ragged little group of rebels know about this. Who would ever suspect a wall-eyed, cheerful, clumsy pegasus mare to be the leader of a rebellion?

So there Ditzy was, walking along with a false content smile on her face, as she slipped into the Everfree Forest underneath the radar. The smile dropped from her face and a serious, focused look replaced it as she broke into a gallop through the mysterious woods.

Despite the fact that Ditzy could see all five dimensions perfectly fine with her eyes the way they were and had used the way they looked to obscure any suspicion about her real mental capabilities, Ditzy still had a lack of depth perception. This fact was hammered into her brain yet again when she collided with a tall, blue box.

“Oww,” Ditzy muttered to herself, putting a hoof to her forehead. “Who would put a box out in the middle of nowhere?”

Ditzy stepped back a little bit to get a better look at the box. It was tall, and blue. And wooden. And had some little words printed on it, too small for Ditzy’s eyes to focus on.

It had a door, too, as evidenced when part of the box creaked open like someone had pushed from the inside.

And someone had. A brown earth pony stallion with an hourglass Cutie Mark.

“Oh, hello there!” he said jovially. Ditzy immediately began calculating the threat level should he be a spy from Queen Corona. “Fancy meeting someone out here! Is this Equestria, by any chance?”

Ditzy automatically put up her dimwitted facade. “Um, I dunno. I kinda lost goat hear...I’m not a clef pepperoni...”

The stallion tilted his head curiously at Ditzy’s words. “Hm, you seem pretty clever to me. Or is it just a trick? Mighty good one, then, if it is.”

Ditzy was caught off-guard. No one had ever seen through her guise before. Cautiously, she focused her right eye--the one with better eyesight-- on him. “How could you tell?” she asked.

“I couldn’t!” said the stallion, earning a facehoof from Ditzy. “Hah, I guess I’m just lucky. But don’t worry, your secret’s safe with me.”

“It’d better be,” said Ditzy. “I’m pretty handy with a knife.”

The stallion looked surprised. “I suppose this isn’t Equestria, then? No one on Equestria carries weapons except the Royal Guard.”

“No, this is Equestria,” Ditzy assured him. “I guess it’s a different Equestria or something?”

“That must be it,” said the stallion, holding a little metal device in his mouth. It made a noise Ditzy didn’t understand when he looked at it.

“Who are you?” Ditzy finally asked. “And why are you here? Don’t you know you’ll get yourself killed if you put a single hoof out of line?”

“An excellent question, miss,” said the stallion. “You can just call me the Doctor.”

“Doctor who and of what?” Ditzy asked.

“Just the Doctor. And who might you be?” said the Doctor, which was an odd name in Ditzy’s opinion.

“Desiderata Doo, Commander of the Equestrian Rebellion under the memory of Princess Luna, expert smuggler, and mailmare,” Ditzy said proudly, the Everfree forest having not been under surveillance on account of being scheduled for demolition the following month. Corona thought it was too overgrown. “But most people just call me Ditzy.”

“I see,” said the Doctor. “So, tell me about Equestria, if you please.”

Ditzy paused. It wasn’t like her to go spilling information that you could simply get at the library to just anypony. There was no proof he wasn’t, after all, a spy from Corona. But of course, if he were, Ditzy or somepony else would definitely find out.

In the end, the part of Ditzy that was still stubbornly idealistic won out and she spilled the history of her Equestria. The Doctor’s expression changed from interested to doubtful to defeated to hopeful and back again through the course of the story. He hadn’t interrupted at all, which Ditzy appreciated.

“This is definitley not how things are supposed to go,” the Doctor decided. “Well, right then! I’ll help you!”

“We’re all going to die if you do this,” Ditzy deadpanned.

“Everyone dies eventually, and I think it best to die for a cause. So what do you say?” the Doctor answered, extending a hoof to Ditzy. “Am I allowed to work with you, Commander?”

Ditzy thought a minute. “I don’t see why not,” she agreed reluctantly, shaking his extended hoof. “Just be very careful and don’t do anything stupid.”

Author's Note:

Don't worry, Ditzy will still be adorable. Just in a badass way.

Comments

[Nolongerposting]

This story is really shaping up. I didn't notice very many mistakes other than in your first chapter you weren't consistent with the speech patterns. Sometimes you forgot to change the present word into the old word and sometimes it seemed that you used the wrong one. Look at this example:
What plagues you, sister?” Luna asked one day. “Thee seems...slightly out-of-sorts, if you will.”
You have two you's in this segment and a thee. There are three major words used for you/your. Those being; They, Thee and Thou. In the segment above I believe that the two you's should be thy and that the Thee should also be a thy. But that is simply my interpretation of the language and this is after all your story and I don't want to put you down. Other than that I didn't notice any other mistakes. This story definitely could go somewhere and I really can't wait to see where you take it. So keep at it and if you would like I'd happily help you edit. Either way I can't wait for the next update and hope that I haven't offended you.

[Sketchy Pen]

2306045 Wow, thank you for the comment! I'm not really sure how good it'll be in the end, but I'm determined to finish a big project for once! *determined face* And yeah, my old english is kinda rusty since I don't have a shakespeare-nazi english teacher anymore ^^; I'd appreciate some help with edits, thank you!

[Nolongerposting]

2308803
Does it work for me to simply post the original section and then post the edits underneath it?

[Sketchy Pen]

2308828 Isn't there like, a document-sharing feature with this site? I have no idea because I just joined yesterday...or possibly this morning. I have no idea. ^^;

[Nolongerposting]

2308842
I'm not really sure. I've been on here for about two weeks and most of that time was spent on my phone so the layout was all different (I literally couldn't find the follow button when using my phone)

[Sketchy Pen]

This confounded site is so very different than fanfiction.net... *facepalm* But I suppose we'll both just have to get used to it.

[Nolongerposting]

2308868
I've never had a Fanfiction account but I'm on Figment.com and this is very different from that. Either way just quickly scanning through your story here are the mistakes that I found. The corrections are right underneath the original section but I only redid the parts that have the mistake in them. I hope this helps.

“What plagues you, sister?” Luna asked one day. “Thee seems...slightly out-of-sorts, if you will.”
What plagues thy, sister? Thy seems... slightly out-of-sorts, if thy will
Luna tilted her head doubtfully. “Thou doest not sound fine. Thou sounds...worried. What is troubling you?”
What is troubling thee?
“I?” she had questioned. “What of you? Had it been you that is the elder, how would you go about being ruler?”
What of thee? Had it been thee that was the elder, how would thy go about geing ruler?
But I could not rule anyway,” said Luna. “It is your duty. Had I had the desire to rule, I would have to usurp thee, and I assure thee I have not the faintest desire to do so.”
It is thy duty.
“O-of course, had I planned to rule alone, I would have to remove you,”
I would have to remove thee.
Ist thou mad, sister?” she demanded, breathing heavily from the long run. “What on Equestria has possessed you?”
Are thy mad, sister? What on Equestria has possessed thee?
Sister, you overreact,” Celestia said sternly. “I am stopping an all-out war before it begins.”
Sister, thy overreact,

[Sketchy Pen]

2308913 I will keep that on a virtual sticky note for reference. Thank you :)

[Nolongerposting]

2308922
no problem. Just shoot me a message if you have any more chapters with the shakespheareian dialect and I'll be more than happy to look over it for you.

[Sketchy Pen]

2308937 Thank you so much :)