Evasive maneuvers!(Edited)
...In a treehouse with horse-things!...
With no time to waste, Miraak pointed his finger behind Celestia and said, "Look! It's Carmen Sandiego!" Celestia's attention thrust from the would be punished sorcerer, and she stared behind her holy rump. The only thing that was there was Big Macintosh standing around like a fool and her gullibility. She cast her glare back at Miraak, but he was gone! The other ponies would have seen him, but he had momentarily blinded them with pepper spray. Yes, a high fantasy, spell wielding dragonslayer has pepper spray. And it hurt. A lot. So much to the point Rarity was bleating like a lamb in a slaughter house.
"By the dirty beard of Starswirl! I'm losing my grip!" shouted Celestia, whose own, almost God-like mind couldn't begin piecing together this ridiculous event. "Oh, and he's set a bookcase on fire, and jumped out a window. Lovely." Celestia's eyes widened instantly.
...Somewhere in Ponyville...
"Aiiii!" said the crumpled figure of Miraak, who had fallen outside the tree house, and broken, dislocated and popped out a few bones from his shins. His right arm was wrapped painfully around the back of his head, his left arm bended backwards, and both his legs twisted insanely like pretzels. "My...body....it hurts. Need...health potion!" he wheezed as he tried moving his right arm around, and reached for his satchel. The joint popped, and he yelled loudly. A couple of fillies came around laughing, especially two well groomed ones with marks. To Miraak, Fillies are what you get when you put a pig in a horse breeding chamber. The results are vomit inducing. At least to Miraak.
Finally, his hand speared right into the satchel, pulled out a red vial, and with the swift movements of his head, he removed his mask and downed the contents. Without a single moment to blink, his body started to shift back into its original shape...and many fillies ran because of Miraak's face, and I shall not describe now the horror of that disaster. He slapped on his mask, and shook a fist at the screaming, little ponies. "One day," he said. "one day." Then he heard it.
"Stop right there lawbreaking scum!" The voice belonged to their leader no doubt, but the words he knew all too well, back in his time in Cyrodill.
Miraak instantly made a left detour down Filly fooler Road, (why it was called that, I don't know. But rumors are rumors.) and dashed through the streets until he met Corporal Punishment, otherwise known as the other Alicorn, Princess Luna. She wasn't considerably happy, given the other night kept her awake most the time.
Cornered by two angry Princesses, and a round of injured, eye irritated and generally unhappy ponies who looked like they wanted to bop Miraak good. Except for Pinkie, who was oddly absent from the group. But Miraak still has a backup plan.
He waved a hand out, and stopped their advances. And from his wonderful satchel, was a large, glass bottle, white liquid dancing around inside.
Rarity keeled over, and tossed her metaphorical cookies upon the dirt road.
"Okay, now that's just sick! What pepper spraying us, and whipping with chains wasn't enough? Now you gotta threaten us with stallion's DNA? What sort of twisted, nutcase are you?!" Twilight almost shouted at the bottle holding masked man.
It took Miraak but a moment to realize what Twilight meant by DNA, and he himself wanted to hurl. But then his former grin returned under his masked face, and grew wider.
He turned his body around many times, swinging his arm around, carrying the potion.
"You mean, this potion?" Miraak's voice began to screech, a few cackles would escape his throat.
"Get that thing away! Have thou no decency!" said Luna, who hadn't the stomach for this kind of blatant vulgarity.
And then he did something that horrifies them to this day.
He lifted up his mask slightly, and gorged himself on the pale liquid. Safe to say, the local pony street sweeper would find plenty to clean up after this ordeal.
Miraak finished with a satisfied sigh, and smiled, "Well, toodlepip my horse-things!" And with a "poof!" he was gone!
And Celestia and Luna sat down with blank expressions, unsure what to do next. They opened their drawers, hoping to find their sanity intact, except it was horribly cracked and bruised by all the madness that spawned. Discord came to mind, and they began to blame him, except he was stoned, in the palace, dozing off from all the blunts.
In all actuality, it was an Invisibility potion that Miraak had drank, but given the context of their knowledge, Miraak had to take advantage with his sick sense of humor.
...And back to Miraak!...
Miraak cackled as he charged through town, stampeding few ponies, knocking others aside like useless sacks of flesh. Which is what he considered them. Useless sacks of flesh that's only use was killing fodder.
"These horses are nothing more than gullible fools! Even the Adoring Fan wasn't this stupid, and he drowned!" Miraak burst into a laughing fit once more, ignorant as to where he was going. Actually, he didn't even know where he was going, just that he was making everyone's day a living cyclone of disaster. His own ignorance would be the death of him, literally. He tripped over a pile of rocks next to a river edge, and fell into the liquid abyss. Normally, this wouldn't be much of an issue, save the for fact that Miraak can't swim. A nord who can't swim isn't exactly smiled upon, which is exactly why he left Skyrim for Solsteim. Their relationship was an unhealthy one. Miraak thrashed his arms and head about, trying to stay afloat but it was no use.
Ben Drowned-I mean, Miraak drowned. And he was dead. Fortunately, Miraak was in the good graces of Talos, no one knows how or why, but it just is. And Talos lent down his mighty hand and wrenched the dead man from his watery tomb, and sent him back to his last save point. Unfortunately, Miraak forgot to save his game, and was placed at his last autosave point-The Everfree forest, where he first awoke.
"Huh, what? Son of the Milkdrinker...wait, this is a good thing! I'm away from those ponies! Now to get as far away as possible-just until I have an army and burn this place to the ground, and rename that backwater village, Miraakville!" Miraak turned around smiling under his mask, and faced a new enemy. A terrible beast of terrible terror. A duck. A duck armed with a massive dual sided battle axe who obviously has beef with Miraak.
"Seriously? I've taken a lot of crap, but a bird threatening me is not something I shall stand for," said Miraak who pulled from his belt, his long, grimy staff. Lord knows what's on that staff. And he directed it toward the hostile bird, and commanded, "Back, I've got tentacles!" Of course, to the bird this was a nightmare, as he's seen enough suggestive anime to know where this is going. And the duck flew away, but not before giving him the old bird.
"Yeah, well fuck you too bird. You're lucky I don't turn you into duck roast." said Miraak, as he resumed his previous plan. He firmly grasped his long staff, arching his back forward and raised his legs high between each step against the dirt floor. Twisted twigs and rotted leaves crushed beneath his careless boots, along with the additional sound of a second pair of legs.
"Interesting, didn't know my extra feet sounded liked clopping." Just as he finished that very sentence, Miraak's feet drove from third gear to stationary, and his inner engine that could stopped. So did the clopping sound. He turned around shaking, if only slightly, and what he saw could only be described in one word.
Madness, which isn't true given Sheogorath or Discord weren't here. Yet.
He didn't know how, he didn't know why but his inner frat boy told him to scream. Loudly.
"Ahghh!" Miraak gazed into the vast sea of his stalker's blue eyes, his mouth very shrill like the day before. Pinkie pie had came suddenly right from the blue and walked deathly close behind him, and now she was smiling, unmarred by his bleating cry.
"Back vile demon! Back to the planes of Oblivion where you belong!"
"Oh come on silly, you're no fun. Haven't you heard of follow the leader?"
In Pinkie's hooves was his staff, and he looked down, his hands were empty.
"What the hell?! How did you do that?"
"Don't you know?" Pinkie pie watched Miraak's unmoving face(Because physics can suck it), and her mouth carved into a large ring shape. "You really don't know? Silly, I'm Pinkie pie."
Miraak wasn't having any of that.
"No, I asked how you did that. I was just holding that damned staff." If patience was a domestic abuse victim, he'd probably be some prison mate's bed buddy. Still she repeated the same answer.
"I'm Pinkie pie, I just told you."
"Are you that dense?!" Miraak's throat rising close to a shout. "I asked you how you got my staff, dammit!"
"I'm Pinkie pie. I'm here, I'm there, I'm everywhere. I know next to almost everything, especially the fact that you were touched when you were but a boy, you have a phobia of tentacles and a horse banged your mother in front of you."
Miraak tried to form words, but words decided to leave town. His arms fell below his knees, and his left eye began to twitch. Finally, words came back since they forgot they don't have a car.
"I'm mortified that you know that, and I really want to lop off your head right now. Also, gimme that!" he swiped his staff back quickly, whilst she still smiled, and Miraak backed away a few paces. "Do you mind telling me why you're following me? Answer before I send you to the Soul cairn!"
"Tell me, Mr. Miraak, what is doing something over and over, expecting something to change?"
"Um, the Star Wars sequels?"
"No! Insanity."
Though powerful as he was, Miraak was still human and even he had limits. Limits that have clearly been tested too many times already.
"Alright, you can come, but the moment you run back to them, I'm skinning you alive, and then wearing your skin while I butcher your friends."
And Pinkie pie remained smiling.
"I just talked about mutilating you and wearing your skin, while killing your friends. And your...smiling?"
"Yep." Was all the reply that came from Pinkie's shrill voice.
"Okay, I'm gonna turn around, start walking and pretend I'm not around a complete nutcase." said Miraak quietly, turning slowly back around.
As soon as he did, his brass plated boot met something hard and very thorny, which was not pleasant. His armor rating wasn't high enough obviously. His eyes lowered to the object, and he reached down, picking up the assaulter of his foot, and examined it. It was a large turtle shell, sharpened spikes dotting the back, adorned with two feathery wings.
"What?" Miraak's confusion kicked in. And something landed behind him. It was a wooden sign. He leaned down, and read the message carved into it.
Keep it. You'll thank me later.
"I'm dead, and this is my eternal punishment, surely this is it," muttered Miraak as he stuffed the shell in his satchel.
This was gonna be an interesting week indeed.
...A few hills away...
Balder, otherwise known as the Dovakiin that fucked Miraak up, had awoken in the hills, south of Ponyville. Booze mixed with a Daedric prince of Debauchery, a goat, an old hagraven, and a temple statue tend to lead you into these circumstances. Balder, struggled to his feet, only to stumble back and tumble backwards down the hillside. These were not the brightest of days for the Slayer of Alduin, and obviously, partying with Sanguine was not a healthy matter. And so, he climbed back up the hill, managed his strength and stood atop the tallest hill, resting his eyes on the tiny village below.
He couldn't quite make it out, but he was certain there were tiny, colorful ponies scuttling about in a panic. What happened here, he could not say, but whatever it was, it was surely one hell of a mess. Thus, being the heroic yet meddlesome dragonborn he was, Balder made his way down. But his mind chose another path, for his ears picked up a familiar voice coming from the Everfree forest.
"Wait," said Balder, "that voice, it cannot be-he's supposed to be dead!" Balder's memory kicked in, and remembered the one who mocked him, the one who stole his dragonsouls. The dirty rotten, dragonsoul stealing thief, Miraak. Balder trod down toward the forest, seeking to investigate this. He didn't know if his old adversary had cheated death, honestly, he wasn't even sure it was Miraak he heard. But it never hurt to check.
Actually, it did.
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Hooray for nonsense!
3954469 I agree!
And the ride's only just started!
3954644 i havent had enough rum for this level of insanity
4516756 Believe me, there will NEVER be enough rum for this madhouse of a fic.
2926538