I like the premise, and you have some potential in my opinion, but there's room for improvement. Do you have a proofreader?

6897220 first off, i'm aware that my story is lacking. it's a necessary sacrifice i had to make in order to make the story at least semi weekly. at the moment it is primarily meant to get me into a regular writing habit. i hope that once i achieved that, i can one day come back and fix it.

now about proofreaders; no i don't. i don't really work with the editors/proofreaders on this site, unfortunately. i have tried many times over the years, but it never works out, usually because of one of these problems:
1.) the proofreaders on this side are incredible elitist and selective as heck when it comes to what they work on. it's incredible hard to get a decent proofreader for anything that isn't a below 5k words, slice of life story, and even if you do, they usually expect you to treat them like they were some kind of gods whom you should worship for that they lower themselves so far as to work with you.
2.) they are simply bad. due to the fact how hard it is to get a decent proofreader, you usually get stuck with people who don't really know what they are doing and only have a basic understanding of the matter if at all.
3.) they can't keep deadlines. over time i had a couple of proofreaders who just couldn't keep any deadlines whatsoever. i usually just don't hear anything from them for weeks, just so that they can get pissed when I ask why they haven't done anything at all during all that time.
4.) I'm procrastinating. I have a bad habit of just pausing my stories when i run into a problem. In fact, right now i can't continue writing, simply because i can't figure out what to do in chapter 7, so often i get stuck for months on stuff like that, so i just don't continue (which is the reason i'm only now doing a story i came up with in 2012).

as you can see, it just doesn't work out, partly because of them, partly because of me. Dunno, maybe i'm just expecting to much. It is sad, but something i can't change. It's just something i will have to deal with.