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Prologue1,336 words
Montezuma and the goddess3,559 words
Trixie Almighty3,156 words
Cake warfare4,353 words
Romantic Encunters - April Fools265 words

Cake warfare

'That certainly is not how I imagined my final days to be' seemed to be thed most common thought to pass through Bismarck's head, along with 'am I insane or just mentally ill?'. There he was, the former German Chancellor, sitting on a pink chair in a girly, frilly 'summer residence' belonging to none other than a crazed and rich mint-green magical Unicorn. He was appreciating the sight of the room and enjoying the moments of relative silence and calm which, he knew well, were soon to pass.

The enchanted Pickelhaube, which appeared to be interested in nothing else but annoying him, rested on the diamond table, its deformed eagle shaking in its sleep. Bismarck sneered as he wished the insolent thing worst possible nightmares. After all its vile pranks and sorcerous antics which the Chancellor was helpless against, no friendly feelings remained towards the formerly loyal headgear.

Bismarck wondered about the changes in his life lately. Why couldn't everything go back to its former state? Why was he in the middle of this senseless, chaotic mess?

With a sigh, he looked around himself again. The comfort of this room pleased him greatly. Almost everything here was adorned with sparking diamonds and other valuable and fancy jewels. Various pointless decorations were visible practically everywhere he could see. It didn't take a genius to deduce Lyra was a very rich, money wasting Pony. In other words, she resembled a typical member of human high status nobility. Otto von Bismarck already knew she wasn't exactly poor as she told him some things about herself before, but he didn't expect to see such wealth.

Keeping all her fortune in mind, the German couldn't understand why the Unicorn didn't just hire someone to try and summon her a human instead of doing it herself. It would've spared her a lot of time and effort. He hardly cared for the reasons. It seemed her fortune was only matched by her eccentric determination and, possibly, her obsession with humans.

And there he sat, the retired German Chancellor, staring at pink and green rooms full of frilly goodness and various impractical yet pretty and fancy decorations.

“Look, Otto!” Lyra called out to the Iron Chancellor, who disinterestedly glanced in her direction. He noticed a giant, pink telescope she somehow managed to hold with her hooves. “I know you're nervous and skeptical about going to Ponyville, so I brought you a telescope to help you overcome your fears.”

Almost instantly, the Pony set the device up. When she started explaining to him how to use the telescope, he almost instantly cut her off. When the German assured her he knew how to use it, she left the house.

The beautiful village of Ponyville was truly a sight to behold. Wooden, yellow houses, adorned with pink decorations, slanted rooftops and enormous windows were the most common type of buildings. Despite similar colours, all the homes were of various heights and designs and so, not a pair was identical. Bismarck greatly admired the job Pony architects have done, as it doubtlessly required either great prowess and planning skills or horrendous amount of magic to construct so many different places to live.

In the back of his head, the Iron Chancellor wondered how the Ponies could've built any of these with their hooves, but then he remembered he has seen Lyra hold various things despite no logical explanation available. Also, there was always magic to help them. Either way, Bismarck greatly admired the job Pony architects have done, as it doubtlessly required great prowess and planning skills to construct so many different houses.

The builders certainly gave each one of these tiny, pastel coloured horses a sense of belonging and uniqueness, even if it all seemed to be completely false. According to both what the Iron Chancellor has seen through the telescope until now and Lyra's relations, barely anyone but few individuals stood out from the crowd and had any greater meanings. The rest did whatever everyone else did – which seemed to be nothing in particular. Despite the fact almost everyone did nothing, each one of the Ponies was well fed. This kingdom reeked of socialism, which Bismarck certainly didn't like. He hated this ideology as he knew well that sooner or later, giving-stuff-for-nothing will cause an economical collapse and bring doom upon whatever countries were foolish enough to accept it.

Logic, however, didn't work the usual way on this world. No one seemed sad or mad, and at the first glance 'everypony' was well-fed. According to the knowledge Lyra has enriched him with, the way the Royal Sisters ruled hasn't changed for thousands of years.

Bismarck couldn't imagine living that long himself and, frankly, he doubted he'd want to even if it was within his reach. He was already tired of life, especially with the obsessed mint-coloured Pony mage constantly pestering him. While he did like her, it seemed she couldn't understand how it felt to be old. He needed his goddamned rest, and the unicorn woke him up very early today. Also, her fascination was as much a curse as it was a charm. While the Iron Chancellor knew he could use it to his advantage later, at the moment it seemed to do nothing but annoy him. All of it irritated the Chancellor greatly.

Snarling because of his unfair fate, he looked at the Ponyville again. He saw a pink female Pony which definitely stood out from the crowd. Instead of walking, she jumped around merrily, probably singing some kind of song, talking with everyone and no one at the same time. It seemed most of her conversations were monologues, for the others merely nodded to her words, not paying her too much attention. When she turned her curly-maned head, Bismarck noticed that her eyes were blue. The pink one looked in his direction as if the Pony knew well that she was being watched. It's unpleasantly inquisitive glance made the Iron Chancellor feel a tingle on his back.

Filled with uncertainty, the German immediately turned his head away from the telescope, confident he has seen enough for the time being.

Feeling a presence behind him, Bismarck asked. “Lyra. Do you happen to know that pink Pony? What is her name?”

He turned around. To his surprise, Lyra wasn't there. It was the pink Pony she saw through the telescope. Hundreds of questions arose in his head. How could she have noticed the device from that distance? How is it possible for her to appear here so suddenly and quickly when according to Lyra only Unicorns and Alicorns had any sort of magic? There was obviously something he was missing here, but what? His thoughts were disrupted when the Pony spoke again.

“My name is Pinkie Pie!” she said in a voice. “Aaand you are? Who are you, huh?”

“Otto von Bismarck. I am-”

Before he could finish his sentence, the Pony pulled a strange looking cart from nowhere. She smashed it with her hoof and it opened up, a cheesy yet pleasant music coming out from it. The Pony stood up on her two hind legs, all her surroundings taking on her colour and apparently bending to her will. Bismarck watched the spectacle with amazement. After mere moments of silence on both sides, she started singing.

“Oh Otto, Otto, Otto!
What is your motto?
I don't see you smilin'!
You seem like a serious one, friend,
I don't see you smilin'!
Beware, all sadness, for I'm your end!”

“Oh Otto, Otto, Otto!
Leave the saddy-sad grotto!
I don't see you smilin',
So you've got it all wrong!
I don't see you smilin',
So grin and be strong!”

“Oh Otto, Otto, Otto!
I'll... uh...” the Pony stopped the music. “Make a risotto? Nah, doesn't sound too good. Why is your name so hard to rhyme with anything anyway? You Germans and your strange vobels... Or was it vowels? Maybe it's a verb? Or was it called a norb? Is this a pronoun? A noun? I bet Twilight would know, but she's not here. Not now, anyway. When I need another song to getcha to smile, she may appear from nowhere and maybe then she would explain-”

The Pony thought about all the possible solutions of her grammatical challenge, considering each one carefully and unable to come to any conclusion. While the German greatly enjoyed the performance, the words she spoke certainly seemed unusual to him. How did she know what country she was from? Why didn't she act surprised to meet a human? Was she, by any chance, insane?

Not wanting to get an even stronger headache, Bismarck dismissed all these thoughts. He betted that “magic” was the answer to all his questions, so why even bother asking them.

Bismarck grunted as he noticed that the annoying Pickelhaube had already woken up. Judging from the expression of its eagle, it saw the whole performance. It flew around Pinkie Pie. It was evident the helmet was very interested in the Pony.

“Any name is a proper noun. Even 'name' name.” the helmet explained to the Pony, smiling widely. Bismarck wondered how the hell the thing could know about anything like that, but he – as always – ascribed it to magic. “And I'm a pickelhaube. My name is Pickelhaube!” the black helmet shouted. “And I want a song too!”

“Wee, two new friends in one day!” Pinkie Pie rejoiced. She jumped around the room, great happiness evident both on her face and in her every movement. Bismarck couldn't help but smile at the overenthusiastic Pony girl, all his grumpy demeanor washing away in an instant..

With another hit from her hoof, the musical cart started playing a completely different music.

“TWITCHATWITCH!”

The Pony stopped the song abruptly and held her tail as if she was in a pain. Both Bismarck and the Pickelhaube looked at her in confusion. Almost instantly, Pinkie Pie explained.

“Twitchy tail, itchy back, itchy ear, twitchy left hoof, uncontrollably moving right hoof-”

The Pony gasped and jumped in the air. “An invasion! It's coming, people! Hide yo' candy, hide yo' cake!”

Without any further explanation, Pinkie Pie took the “welcome” cart with her and disappeared, leaving behind herself some candy and a trail of smoke. Almost as instantly as she left, the Pony came back. It looked around, picked up the sweets and disappeared.

“That was unexpected.” Bismarck said. The Pickelhaube's eagle simply nodded before leaving the house and chasing the pink Pony. Nothing pleased Iron Chancellor more to see the wretched headgear escape the building – it won't be able to annoy him anymore.

A thud took the attention of the German. He looked around to see at it's source, To his surprise, this time it wasn't the pink Pony but it was none other than Lyra.

“Bissy!” she shouted, waving her hooves in the air. It was more than apparent she tried to control her emotions, but failed at it miserably. She was jumping around almost as much as Bismarck's former visitor, Pinkie Pie, which annoyed the Chancellor greatly.“While being outside, I saw some strange things in the air. Couldn't see what they were, though, but they were certainly suspicious. We should totally use the telescope to see what they are and what they want!”

The Pony ran to the telescope and looked inside. After doing so, she became even giddier. Her truly ecstatic happiness was a surprise to the Chancellor. What could she have seen there, a parade of manly pegasi stallions? Both interested and fearful, Bismarck walked to the telescope and took a glance at what was happening outside.

What he saw, he would never forget 'til the end of his life. The German knew well that this image would haunt him forever

The sky was filled almost to the brim with strange flying monsters which seemed to be made up of parts of other creatures. Their limbs, wings and bodies seemed to be as random, chaotic and messy as possible. He saw a thing with the body of a cat, limbs of a bird and wings of a butterfly flying next to a mishmash of even more unusual things. It seemed to be an ice cream with a mean, deformed mouth which has replaced its wings with brooms, and it had random body parts sticking from basically every inch of its body.

While Bismarck really doubted that nature would've possibly made such... monstrosities herself and automatically explained the sight with magic, it wasn't the most disconcerting thing he saw.

No, the beasts were ridden. By none other but the Aztecs, – or, perhaps, some other primitive American tribe - each of them wearing some small, nefarious-looking pieces of clothing, each of them wielding a cake in their hands. A bloody cake, no weaponry! Did anything make any kind of sense in this world? Whatever the Aztecs were up to, Bismarck was more than sure they didn't work for any pie delivery company.

“Was?” the shock was too much for the Chancellor, who stammered near the telescope. It took him a few minutes to regain his composition before he spoke again. “What is this supposed to be?”

Bismarck looked yet again at the abnormal situation. He noticed that at the front of the flying charge were three giant, mutated and sinister Dragons – red, blue and yellow.

On the first one, which was placed on the left side, was an Aztec who had a very big piece of headwear, definitely the highest of all the other tribesmen. Besides that, he looked similar to the rest – he was almost naked and wore some tiny, intimidating clothing, as if he was trying to look as mean as possible from the very first moment. He instantly assumed this one was the leader, and the Chancellor knew he wouldn't be surprised if it was Montezuma himself.

The blue one which was on the very front, was ridden by a Pony of the same colour. It seemed to have both wings and a horn. In other words, it was an Alicorn, and Bismarck already knew that those creatures were considered to be gods in this universe, which made him feel even more uneasy. While the Chancellor couldn't exactly tell why and what, something felt fake about this creature. He was almost certain this Pony was the very leader of all those strange pie-fighting forces.

Who rode the yellow Dragon, though? The Iron Chancellor noticed that it was a well-clad human, so it was obvious he wasn't one of those uncivilized Aztec brutes. The person looked as if he was born around Renaissance or a similar era, and he sported a golden moustache. Bismarck adjusted the telescope to take a better look and, possibly, recognize the man.

He saw golden hair, experience and wisdom in his eyes, as well as courage... This could be only one person, one the Iron Chancellor had read a lot about. The situation simply broke all the boundaries of sanity as he realized it was Gustavus Adolphus, the Lion of the North, the most powerful and renowned Swedish king, incredibly skilled as both an economical and military leader.

“See it, Bissy?” the Unicorn smiled widely, still enjoying the sight. She gave out a jolly, slightly insane laugh. “Isn't it beautiful? So many humans! Imagine the possibilities, Otto! I wonder how they got here, but who cares? That's great, simply great! I'll meet so many of your friends!”

An army of Aztecs on some monsters was flying at the capital of her land, and she rejoiced? It made no sense. Bismarck deduced that the Unicorn obviously didn't know what they were dealing with, so the German felt it was more than necessary to educate her.

“I'm afraid that this appearance is not a reason to rejoice.” he said to the Pony. These simple words seemed to have worked well, as she stopped being overenthusiastic and ecstatic at the thought. After a moment of silence which Bismarck added to build a sense of expectation in the Pony, he finally continued.
“Those men on the strange beasts are the Aztecs. They are a bloodthirsty, cruel people. Mutilation and murder is what they're about, and they were known to sacrifice thousands of innocent men.” Lyra's eyes widened with realization. It seemed she started to realize, finally, that not all humans are good. “In other words, they are nothing but vile barbarians. The only thing I don't know is why those villains have no weapons. Instead, they have cake.”

To Bismarck's surprise, Lyra seemed terrified. She started shaking in fear.

“Gah, to throw it! They're going to attack Canterlot, they even brought their own cake!”

The Iron Chancellor remained calm, however. While everything seemed dire, there was simply no need for panic. “I'm sure your princesses will deal with the situation. This is two goddesses against one, and I bet that Equestria has an army to protect it against... the Aztecs. They're but a bunch of primitives, believe me! It's only a small negative factor that they're on giant, flying beasts.”

Despite his best attempts to calm the Pony down, Lyra seemed to only get more and more panicked. She looked inside the telescope again and seemed to follow the tracks of the vile Aztecs. “But Equestria has no army!”

Bismarck had to stop himself from laughing. That seemed too irrational to for him to comprehend. Rainbow ponies and magical unicorns was easy to understand, but a defenseless nation was completely impossible for him to comprehend. “What do you mean 'no army'? What kind of country has no army whatsoever? Surely you're joking.”

“No, I'm not! Well, aside for a few Guardponies, but they're mostly for show, not fighting. Not against an organized invasion, anyway,” the Unicorn explained, looking at the smaller and bigger dots in the sky which seemed to encircle Canterlot.

The Iron Chancellor lost all his hope in the victory of Ponies. He could understand they were a peaceful nation, but having no army was a recipe for disaster! What were those princesses thinking, did they want their country to fall? That was completely thoughtless. How were the monarchs so 'great', as the Ponies called them, if they made such a horrible, unforgivable mistake?

Bismarck couldn't tell without the telescope, which the Pony was currently using, but he could swear he saw some explosions near the castle. He quickly discarded the idea – Aztecs had no explosives, after all. 'It is not like they hid some magic inside the cake to make it burst upon contact with anything', the German thought. After a second of consideration, he realized that it was a sound theory. At least, compared to the standards of this insane realm.

After a few minutes of the Unicorn watching the situation, he noticed a grave expression of sadness on her face as she turned to him. It seemed apparent the Pony realized there was little to no hope at the moment.

“Do you think we can help somehow? You know, to stop these Aztecs?”

Her face began to sparkle with hope, which Bismarck deemed as both an endearing and foolish act. He calculated their chances and the situation seemed as grim as possible. He had no special powers, and while Lyra seemed impressive, he highly doubted she'd fare well against a Pony goddess and her minions. “I don't think the two of us have enough strength to beat that monstrous invasion.” the German sighed as he was about to crush all the hopes of the Pony. While he could tell her some lies, Bismarck knew it would do nothing good for her in the long run.

“I'm afraid that without an army it is simply impossible.”His lack of faith seemed to terrify Lyra as much as the Aztecs did. Bismarck didn't understand why the Pony believed in him and his judgment so much – she hasn't seen any proof of his skill, none except his words. The German appreciated it, however. The unusual trust he has been given was making him feel an appreciative warmness inside his heart.

“This situation is absurd!” Lyra ranted hopelessly. “I wanted some humans to be here, but not like this! It is completely absurd!”

“Exactly, it makes no sense! Brilliant, isn't it?” both the Pony and the German jumped, surprised by the sudden noise. With a loud thud, a mismatched creature appeared before their very eyes. While Bismarck was mainly confused, he noticed that Lyra seemed to despise the thing, whatever it was. Her nostrils widened and aggression was visible in both her posture and eyes. The Iron Chancellor was certain that whatever the Pony's reasons for that obvious hatred were, they weren't any minor things. Looking at her hate, he knew the unusual creature was not to be trusted.

“Discord! I bet you had something to do with those!” the Pony shouted, extending her hoof accusingly at the Draconequus. However, he only seemed amused by the implication.

“Maybe. Or maybe not!” he laughed. “Does it matter, anyway? You want to stop them, and only I can help!”
With a snap, a horde of candy canes appeared inside the room. Before anyone could even think of devouring them, they grew legs and ran outside the manor.

“What do you want? And why should I trust you?” Lyra responded.
Discord cleared his throat loudly before continuing. A meanly amused, distorted smile appeared on his old face.

“Let me tell you what happened first... I basically gave nearly unlimited power to one Unicorn Pony, and since I also gave her Montezuma, the Aztec Leader beforehand, she summoned her own army to invade Canterlot. She's trying to become the queen of this world.” he laughed again.

A horde of apple fritters appeared from nowhere and, similarly to candy canes, they also proved to be a deceitful treat. They all created small explosions almost instantly when falling on the ground. Bismarck instantly recognized them as the 'weapons' those vile barbarians used when charging on Canterlot. “Exploding cake and fritters, all changed so they won't kill anyone, stun at most. Strange idea and it almost has my feel to it, I absolutely love it!” strange, chaos-infected pride was clearly evident in the voice of the Draconequus. “The girl is truly beginning to become a force of chaotic nature! Quicker than I thought too, it's wondrous!”

Not letting the Draconequus confuse her with more and more of needless words, Lyra demanded her explanation. Discord ignored the Pony's words and turned to Bismarck instead. The Iron Chancellor could've sworn he saw a certain dose of disgust and sense of superiority in the creature's yellow and red eyes before it looked at Lyra again.

“Anyway, if you two want to save Equestria from what is to come, you have to use the Pickelhaube. It also has some of my power and creativity to it. It will be of great help, of that I'm sure. Now, I'm needed elsewhere!”

With a snap of its fingers, the creature was gone, leaving behind only confusion and uncertainty. A moment of silence dominated the room.

“Help of the Pickelhaube?” Bismarck said, disgusted. “How is this thing supposed to help us, by driving all the Aztecs to suicide with its wretched antics?”

The Pony didn't seem to be as skeptical as the German was. Apparently, Lyra tried to hold on to any hope she had, even to one brought by a hated Draconequus. “Now, now, Bissy. I'm sure there is more to Pickelhaube than mere pranks. We now have some chances, at least!”

“Yup, that's right!” the aforementioned helmet appeared inside the room. Bismarck grunted as he realized the damned thing probably overheard the whole discussion. “We're going to kick those Aztec arses back to the desert they came from!”

“Actually, they lived in jungles, not deserts.” the Iron Chancellor corrected, but no one seemed to pay any attention to such details.

Completely ignoring the information he was given, the Pickelhaube started gloating. The eagle already sang, as if they've already won this. “We're so gonna win this, you'll all see, both you and you, ma'am! It'll be easy as heck, I say!”

Through his entire life Bismarck never thought he'd encounter a situation such as this. Battling Frenchmen or angry and arrogant politicians was a normal thing for him, but fighting off an invasion of Aztecs on strange, mythical creatures, led by a Pony goddess, all with only the help of a pastel coloured Unicorn who had no fighting experience whatsoever and a chaotic Pickelhaube? It was impossible and absolutely insane.

“Nein.” Bismarck responded. “This is impossible, we can't beat a whole army alone! There is only three of us, and while I do have some experience about warfare, I'm devoid of any unusual powers. I'm afraid the situation is absolutely hopeless.”

The Pickelhaube simply laughed. “I'm sure we'll convince the Ponies and maybe other races around here to help us reclaim Canterlot! Also, I have an idea. A wonderful, awful idea!”

“And that idea is?” Bismarck asked, still skeptical. How could completely unexperienced, peace loving Ponies help in fighting against the Aztecs? How were Ponies, most of which had the mentalities of schoolgirls, assist in any kind of war? That seemed both unlikely and stupid to the Chancellor.

“We'll summon our own human army!” the Pickelhaube responded enthusiastically. “I'm going to start right now, riiiiiiight now!”

Before Bismarck could stop it from the deed, the helmet already started summoning. The Chancellor knew it would fail, after all Lyra needed all that pointless stuff to get him inside this senselessly cute, soon-to-be-ruined world. That annoying prankster wouldn't be able to do it so easily...

….Or would he?

The German was terrified as he saw a huge portal appearing in the middle of the room. It seemed the headgear would succeed at a summon, which Bismarck couldn't say he trusted. What if it created more Aztecs inside the room? Or something even worse? That would be a complete, utter disaster. After an uneasy moment, a human being appeared in it.

With a glance of his blue eyes, the man spoke.
“Who dares summon Harald Gormsson?”

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