Magic in the Stars

by Australian Chaos

Chapter 33: Healing Old Wounds

Chapter 33

Healing Old Wounds

The memory of the pain, horror, and plain helplessness that had plagued Starfall in his moments directly after witnessing the destruction of the town he had come to love proved to painful for him to continue his recollection, Starfall finally bringing his story to an end.

He turned his head away from Princess Luna, having seen her open-mouthed shock at his story, burying his face in his hooves once more as he felt the tears flow, and the sobs start up once more, the emotions all coming back to him. The horror of seeing the ruins of what was once his home, and home to hundreds of other ponies, now destroyed, much of it lost to the sea. The worry for all those that had escaped, himself and his family included...and how they were going to recover from this, their livelihoods all simply gone.

But for him, the worst part was the guilt. That nauseating feeling in his stomach that always reminded him of those that had died...those he had failed to save. He had let down so many ponies, and their families, the ones that had survived, and been forced to go on without a loved one. Those were the worst, for him, the deaths that continued to haunt survivors to this day...and the ones that continued to haunt and torment his own mind.

He knew he could have done so much more...that Cosmo and his family were justified in their hatred of him. That was why he never talked about his past, and why he had, until recently, avoided getting close to anypony, forging friendships. Because he could not face his past, and the pony he had been. He had sworn to himself that he would never fail anypony like he had with Stratos Crossing, ever again. But even so, the guilt continued to plague him, forcing him to hold himself back, to keep his friend at as large a distance as possible, so that should something happen to ruin their friendship, he would not be left as broken and devastated as he was when Cosmo had abandoned him...and his family had all-but disowned him.

But he had let his guard down after meeting Princess Luna. He had close friends in not only the Princess herself, but also in Twilight Sparkle and Derpy Hooves, friends who were sure to see him as some kind of monster after hearing about this. Already, he expected that, once the Princess of the Night put the facts of his story together, and read between the lines, that she would leave him to wallow in his misery.

His assumption on Luna's reaction meant he was incredibly surprised when he felt a gentle touch on his shoulder. Looking up from his hooves, he gave the Princess a stunned look. After what he had told her about the destruction of Stratos Crossing, she was still trying to comfort him? Getting his sobs under control enough to at least speak, he tried to voice his confusion. "Luna...?"

The Princess quickly cut over him, though, her voice surprisingly soft and gentle. His story seemed to have moved her, even though she did not seem to be tearing up. "Starfall...our sister had informed us of the fate of Stratos Crossing when we had returned to Equestria. But we never imagined the destruction thou hast described to us...and we were never aware thy family hailed from the lost city."

Starfall nodded softly, once more turning away to bury his head in his hooves, now just needing to get these long-suppressed emotions out of his system. He had kept all this guilt and hurt buried for four years now, and now that it had found an opportunity to escape, it took it all too eagerly, leaving Starfall unable to do anything except cry himself out.

Princess Luna was not quite done speaking, though. In recognition of Starfall's fragile state, however, she refrained from getting him to look at her this time around. "I am afraid we do not understand a few things, however," he said, Starfall making no real response to this. His ears had raised slightly, showing he was paying attention, and the Princess seemed to notice, as she kept speaking. "The behaviour of thy family and this friend of thine...Cosmo...we fear we do not understand it," she said, finally succeeding in getting Starfall's full attention.

When he looked up at her, though, he grimaced at Luna's surprised pause...he knew he must look as horrible as he felt. All the crying had left his eyes red and puffy, and his mane was once more a tangled mess, the fur on his face stained with tear marks and splotches. None of that could hide his confusion, however. "I...what do you mean, Luna?" he asked, his voice quiet, still shaking with partially-suppressed sobs.

Luna sighed. "When our sister spoke of the disaster, she had always emphasised how much of a miracle it had been that so many had evacuated in time to survive the destruction. She had mentioned that there had been rumours of somepony warning the town ahead of time, but nopony had ever been able to prove them, so it just faded away in the drama of the disaster."

The Princess paused, giving Starfall an odd look...seeming about as impressed as the young stallion had ever seen her. "We...we never believed thou were that mysterious soothsayer. We believe it makes sense, however," she added, making Starfall look at her curiously, compelling her to continue. "With thy ability to read the stars and heavenly bodies...and the power within them, it is not unreasonable for thou to be able to sense calamity from the heavens, as well...especially that which involves these 'falling stars'," she explained, giving Starfall what seemed to be a proud look.

Starfall quickly caught on, nodding softly in pained agreement. Luna's reasoning made sense...they had established early in his lessons that Starfall's abilities were not limited to the stars. He seemed to possess a unique sensitivity to many forms of cosmic energy, magic being one of the most potent energies out there, making it the easiest to read. His sensitivity seemed to be particularly attuned to the stars, hence why he had a poorer understanding of the planets, and why cosmic calamities...such as the disaster at Stratos Crossing...never really gave him a clear warning until the very last minute.

But even if he finally had an explanation and reason for his forewarnings, and the vague dreams and visions, it still did not lessen the pain and guilt of what happened. This added layer of hindsight only added to his guilt, showing him what now seemed so openly obvious, but he had been too young, thick, and anxious to pick up on at the time.

Starfall's confusion at Luna's earlier comments still remained, however, and Luna quickly picked up where she had left off. "But what we are confused about, Starfall, is that, for all thy effort to save the town, and all the ponies, thy family and friends appear to have blamed thee for the disaster. We cannot fathom how they have reached this conclusion," she finally admitted, looking pointedly at Starfall, figuring the stallion at the centre of the chaos and drama would have an explanation that would satisfy her.

Starfall, for his part, just seemed to grow even more upset, the shaking, shuddering sobs coming back with a ferocity that surprised even him, as he tried to speak between. "I...you can't see it?" he asked, getting a confused shake of the head from the Princess of the Night. The pegasus once more broke eye contact, too ashamed of himself to even look in Luna's direction as he reluctantly tried to explain it her.

"I...I messed it up, Luna," he admitted softly, his voice sounding so small and weak, as he finally released all his pent-up guilt. "I knew those meteors were coming a week before they arrived...I had a whole week to warn everypony, to get the town clear. It was more than enough time, and yet...ponies still died."

Now that the reasoning at the heart of his guilt and sorrow was out, the words just spilled from Starfall's mouth, a confession he had been holding back for four years finally getting dragged from the darkest corners of his heart, and out into the open. "I was so selfish...I worried that if I pressed too hard, I'd be branded insane or a laughing stock, so I didn't try as hard as I should have to convince the townsponies."

He buried his head in his hooves again, trying to hide the tears as they started to stream down his face. He did not want Luna to see him like this...reduced to a sobbing, worthless wreck as he confessed his darkest secrets to her, the guilt and shame that burned at his very soul for years.

Hiding his face did not mean he could hide himself from the Princess physically, however, as her puzzled voice once more reached his ears. "Thou art making no sense, Starfall. By thy own words, thou tried, day after day, to inform the mayor and their advisors of thy fears, and they ignored thy words!"

The way Luna was rising to his defence...against himself, no less...surprised Starfall somewhat. The bigger shock, though, was the indignant tone she put on when she mentioned the way the town officials had just ignored all his warnings. Almost as if, despite this incident happening nearly four years ago, she was insulted that they would ignore her personal student.

Starfall sighed. Her reasoning was partially expected...he had thought much the same way until a couple of years back. But now, with four years of further life experience and hindsight, he could see the issue from their point of view to some extent. "Princess, to them, I was just a lunatic raving about the end of the world," he explained softly, still not looking up. "If I just stopped and thought about it...I mean, I didn't even consider showing them what I was actually observing until it was too late. There was so much I should have done, that I was either too scared or too stupid to do." He started to let his self-anger at his own stupidity bubble up in those last few words, before his voice went quiet again, back to the shamed self-depreciation of before.

"I had a chance to save so many...and I blew it. When Cosmo and my family found out that I'd known it was coming a week before it happened, and had done nothing to stop it..." he paused, not wanting to relive those confrontations. Both had been painful fights that taken Starfall's fragile heart and smashed it into a million pieces. "They thought, because of how long it had taken me to finally do something...they thought that I had caused the meteor shower somehow...that I wanted all those deaths on my hooves."

He never raised his head, but he heard no sound from Luna, and figured she had gone silent, finally understanding why his friends and family had all turned on him in the wake of the disaster. "I've never been able to convince them otherwise. They remain somewhat civil because they can't prove I intended this to happen, but that doesn't stop them from believing it, and it doesn't chance the fact that their reasoning is right...I didn't do enough, and ponies died because of it."

As Starfall threatened to fall into another sobbing fit, Luna finally voiced another objection she had to his reasoning. "But...what about thy courageous effort to save the young filly from mortal peril, at risk of your own life?" she asked, sounding both confused, and somewhat admiring of his actions, though he didn't see it as such.

"I wasn't all that heroic, Luna," he said softly. He looked back on that moment many time, and as much as he tried to see himself as a hero, he just couldn't...not after everything else he had done wrong. "I got her out before disaster could truly strike...if I had thought saving her would come with a high chance of death, I would have left her behind. I only did it because I reasoned there was still enough time," he explained, being totally honest with her.

It was true...despite how close he had cut it, he had gotten that filly away from town before the disaster had actually hit, and had he thought he would be cutting it any closer than he had, he would have left that filly to die. As much as he hated to admit it, he was not a hero, and self-preservation would always come before the desire to help others if the situation was dangerous to a lethal level.

Luna, however, did not seem to believe his words. "Thou art vastly understating thy actions that day. Thou returned to a dangerous scene, at risk of thy own safety, to rescue a scared little filly who would have certainly perished without thy intervention," she assured him, a note of pride in her voice. "Even if thy own desire was to avoid making a scene over this act, surely the young filly would have spoken of it to somepony?" she asked, clearly confused as to why Starfall's brave act had not become the heart-warming story the townsponies had desperately needed in the wake of that disaster.

Starfall, however, shook his head. "She was scared, and fled as soon as we were safe. I doubt she even remembers much of that day, let alone what I looked like. I just hope her family made it out, and they found each other," he added. He did not know if his guilt could take a hit like that, finding out he had saved a filly, only to leave her an orphan by his earlier inaction.

For a few moments, Starfall was silence, waiting for Luna to say something else. When no more words were forthcoming, he guessed she had ran out of objections, finally understanding the full depth of his guilt and sorrow, and why those he cared about had deserted him after that day. It had been so hard for him, picking up the pieces after that disaster. His family had all-but disowned, and with no friends to lean on for support...or even an encouraging word or two, it had taken Starfall a long time to pick up the shattered remains of his life, finally finding a meagre job in a small cloud town, earning enough of a living to finally have a stable place to stay, even if he was living in relative poverty at the time.

It had been four years of struggle, uncertainty, just surviving from day to day, never really living...and Starfall felt he had deserved every second of it. Now, his life seemed to have finally turned around for the better...only for his past to come back to haunt him. Starfall's guilt was extensive, but as he buried his head into the couch he had collapsed on, he wondered for how much longer he would have to endure this punishment?

His crying almost mean he missed Princess Luna speak up again, only just catching her words as she spoke...this time with more hesitancy...and a lot less certainty. "Starfall..." For a few moments, she was silent, seemingly weighing what she wanted to say, Starfall trying to stifle his sobs long enough to at least listen to her. He did pause as he once more felt her hoof's gentle touch on his shoulder, waiting for her words as silently as his distressed state could manage.

"Starfall, have...have you been carrying all this for four years?" Her words did the trick, Starfall's head shooting up from his hooves to look at Luna in shock. It was not the question itself, rather her word usage that had him stunned. He had taught her about modern language structure some weeks ago, before they had even come to Ponyville, but Luna, while studying and understanding how modern speech worked, had not gone out of her way to use it, seeming to prefer her own, archaic style immensely. So why was she switching to more modern and...normal...speech patterns now?

Before Starfall could really work this bizarre piece of behaviour out, Luna continued, obviously not done. "All this pain. All this sorrow. All this guilt and shame. You never let go, did you? Have you ever confided any of this to anypony?" she asked, her continued use of modern speech almost distracting Starfall from the question.

He did eventually get his brain back in gear, though, shaking his head softly. "You're the first pony I've ever talked about this, too, Luna..." he admitted slowly, once more averting his gaze. "There...there was never anypony else I could talk to, before we met. And since then, well...I guess I just got used to avoiding that day," he explained, blinking as more tears threatened to fall. Surely he had cried himself out by now?

Before he could fully get himself under control, though, he felt another hoof on his chin, reluctantly turning as the Princess turned his head so she could look directly at him. He was surprised to not that though her expression was hard, clearly about to say something she felt was important, there was a clear pain in her eyes, a sorrow that took the hard edge off her expression. He blinked in surprise as he realise her pain was for him...she cared about him enough that his pain was hurting her, as well.

The subtle, unspoken gesture moved the young pegasus, but before he could respond to her show of support, she spoke up again, her voice firm, but strangely tender as well. "Listen to me Starfall. I know you are probably curious about my use of modern speech, but I want to make sure that you have no doubts about what I am about to tell you," she said, answering Starfall's unspoken question about her word choice in the last minute. It had it's intended effect, though, Starfall's ears raising slightly, turning towards her as he nodded slowly, showing that he was paying attention.

"Starfall...what happened at Stratos Crossing all those years ago...there was nothing more you could have done," she finally, making Starfall blink, looking at her in confusion. She quickly cut off any attempt he might have made to protest, however. "You had made a distressing discovery, and made every effort to warn the town before disaster struck. That those officials refused to listen is not your fault, Starfall. They could have looked to the heavens and seen the disaster for themselves, but didn't."

Starfall struggled to believe what he was hearing. Luna, the Princess of the Night and one of Equestria's most important figures, behind only her older sister, was not only defending his actions, but openly condemning the inaction of those he tried to warn? Her passionate defence of his actions left him speechless for several seconds, during which Luna kept speaking, seeing the lingering doubt that must have been obvious in his face.

"Ponies died...there's no point denying that, but Starfall, the entire town, yourself included, would have died had you not seen the disaster coming. That ponies didn't heed your warning until the last moment is not your fault. Your actions saved not just that little filly, and not just your family, but the lives of hundreds of ponies that would otherwise be dead."

Luna's words held such conviction, and such pride in Starfall, that the yellow pegasus in question had no idea how to respond. Her belief in him, and what he had done, was threatening to make him break down all over him, even as he tried to protest. "But, Luna..."

"But nothing, Starfall," Luna's reply was firm, but not harsh, even if it was still enough to make him quiet down. "You have taken responsibility for the lives lost in that disaster for four years, now. A guilt and sorrow that is not yours to bear. Did you call those meteors down, Starfall? Did you want all those ponies to ignore your warnings?" she asked, pausing and staring at him intently, waiting for Starfall to give a soft shake of his head before continuing. "Of course not. We have known each other for some time, now, Starfall...I know you would never see a town destroyed, or ponies killed like that if you could help it."

Luna's word continued to batter at Starfall's fragile emotion, leaving him shaking as the Princess' hooves kept his gaze locked with hers, despite his wish to just turn away and cry himself out again. Her words were getting through to him, though, the young stallion practically feeling the weight of four years of guilt starting to life as her words got through to him. He had made an effort well beyond what most other ponies would have done in a similar situation. It was not about the lives that had been lost...it was about the hundreds he had saved, hundreds of ponies that had a second chance because he had seen calamity coming and warned them in time, even if only just.

The Princess seemed to realise Starfall's emotions were about to come crashing down around him again, and took a step the not only staggered Starfall beyond anything else that day, it also broke the floodgates of his emotions. Luna's hooves left his face, only to instead wrap around as she gently dragged him off the couch he had sulked on since returning from his unfortunate reunion with Star Hunter, only to lean into him in an unmistakable hug once he was standing on his own four hooves.

"Starfall, we should always grieve for those lost in disasters such as these," she said softly into his ear, as the pegasus got over the shock of realising that Luna, the distant and mysterious Princess of the Night, was actually hugging him, trying to comfort him, and finally just buried his face into her shoulder, his own hooves holding her shoulder as he cried into her fur, completely releasing four years worth of pent-up emotions. "But we also need to move on. Your guilt and shame is unhealthy, and unjustified, Starfall...just let it go. It's time to put this behind you..."

From that point, Luna's soft words of comfort were lost to Starfall's ears, though he continued feeling the effects, drawing comfort and contentment he had not felt for a long, long as she held him, quietly comforting and watching over him as he began the process of mending an old, old wound in his psyche. He knew, deep inside himself, that this was what he had been looking for...a chance to put this horrific part of his past behind him at long last, and finally start looking towards the future...a future that now looked much, much brighter.

Comments

[LunarNight]

This is good. Keep it up.. :D

[ARTL]

2429924Indeed. Thy work is most satisfactory. Prithee, continue they work? We plead with thee.

[Lorthalis of Crows]

the feels!

[Mr Evergreen]

*grabs chest*
"Right in the feels"

[HorsetheHorse]

Damn it all........Imperials don't cry!

(Amazing story XD)

[Truthseeker]

"They thought, because of how long it had taken me to finally do something...they thought that I had caused the meteor shower somehow...that I wanted all those deaths on my hooves."

Really? That is the stupidest damn thing I have ever heard! How fucking idiotic does somebody have to be to think that shit!? 'Yes, I want hundreds of deaths on my conscience just because I do.' That shit makes less sense than ketchup on corn flakes!