The First Three Days in Hell
Fluttershy was thrown harshly in to a stone cell. "No!" she yelled, a bit dazed, "I don't belong here!" It was dark, but she could hear the misshapen gaurds that captured her leaving. "Help..." She cried herself to sleep.
***
She opened her eyes to darkness. Fluttershy sat up quickly, remembering the night before. A sob escaped her throat. She wailed, stopped only by a voice coming from the cell to her right.
"Don't cry."
She sniffed. "What?"
"Don't cry. They'll prey on you."
"Who?"
"The others, idiot. We're not the only ones in this place."
"Oh. I'm sorry, I didn't kn—"
"Quiet. The gaurds are coming. Hide in the shadows." But it was too late. They had already spotted Fluttershy.
The first guard would resemble a dragon, the other would be absolutely normal, except his skin was completely transparent. "Well, what do we have here?" the first snickered, and held out a torch. "A mare? That can't be right. Maybe we should take 'er with us. What do you think?"
"Yes we could show her around, have a party in the bedchambers!" the other laughed. He started to unlock the cell door. Fluttershy pressed against the wall. "Aww, look, she's scared. I bet you want your bunny friend about now. Oh, but too bad. We're having Angel soup tonight!"
Fluttershy snapped. She lunged right up to the bars of the door and bent them apart. She crawled through and had her hooves around the gaurd's throat all in the span of seconds. "WHERE IS MY ANGEL?"
The first guard finally reacted and hit her in the head with the butt of his massive claws, knocking her out. The other one lay gasping. "She needs to be taught a lesson." He looked at the cell to the left. Inside was a large, muscular red draft pony, with a green apple cutie mark. "Hey. Beat her up a bit, willya?" He opened the door and threw her in, then locked it and carried his gaurd buddy away.
"Hey," the draft said, after he was sure they were gone. "Are you alright?" The yellow pegasus lay in a heap on the cold floor.
A pink mane, sprawled across her tiny body, as he held her in his hooves.
He shook his head. He had been getting strange flashbacks since he heard her calling for help last night. "Hey. They're gone." He nudged her with his hoof. "Please, get up."
She stirred, and he let out a sigh of relief. "An... Angel..." she muttered, but she soon forgot about the rabbit when she saw who was standing in front of her. "Big Mac!" She enveloped him in a hug.
"What?" He pushed her away.
"Big Macintosh..."
"How do you know my name?" he yelled. His stern look almost reached the intensity of The Stare.
"I... You don't remember me?"
"No." Her smiling face, him tilting it up to kiss her. He ignored the image.
"But... Oh. They wiped you."
"So they've told me."
"I'm sorry, I don't mean to cause you any trouble. You know, stirring up old memories that would distract you. But... Can I ask you something?"
"What?"
"What happened to your drawl?"
He sat there for quite awhile. "I got rid of it," he said finally. "It was a liability."
"You mean they forced you."
"Yes."
"Um." She paused, deciding. "Could you say 'eeyup' instead?"
He smiled. "Eeyup."
She smiled back. "Thank you."
***
Fluttershy woke up to a ringing bell. "Huh? What?" She lifted her head.
Big Macintosh was already up. "Heh. It's only your third day and you already get to go outside." He looked worried.
"Outside?"
"In the courtyard. They want us in tip-top shape so they can disform us and make us slaves." He saw her worried look. "But it's only happened a few times since I was here."
"And how long have you been here?"
"A while."
She felt as if he had dodged the question but didn't press on it. With the feeble amount of light coming in, Fluttershy could now see the rusty smear of what had to be old, dried blood on the back wall, along with a few chains and cuffs. "W-what... Are... those?"
"Well," he hesitated, not wanting to scare her, "This was once a... Um... Torture room. They ran out of space," he added quickly.
She barely had time to mutter "Oh," before new guards came. One was bulging muscle, with feathery gills, and the other had a lizard's tail. "Oi, Gil, lookit the mare."
"Oh, she's a beauty. I'd have a right fun time with her."
Fluttershy had had enough of this. She decided to kill with kindness. It was her element, after all. "Why, hello, nice to meet you. My name is Fluttershy. Who are you?"
For a second, they looked surprised. They giggled. "Well, I'm Gil, one l."
"An' I'm Tails. Nice t' meet ya, Pixie Stick."
"Why, the pleasure is all mine." Those lessons on ediquette with Rarity really paid off, she thought. "And what might we be doing today that requiers a guard escort?"
"Well, I'm here fer the red one. Gil's here fer you. We've been told you c'n be quite a nusiance. Both of ya are goin' out to th' courtyard fer exercise."
Out in the courtyard, wich was basically 40x40 yards square of dirt and bolders, Big Macintosh hid Fluttershy behind a particurally bloody rock. "Could we, perhapes, change—"
"No," Big Mac said. "You can't be seen by the guys."
"Who?"
"The other inmates. I, uh, don't know how they'd, well, react to you."
"They would rape me." It wasn't a question. "The guards have already tried that, on my way over." She bent her head remorsefully. "You saw what happened yesterday. It went something like that."
"And I had guessed it did. But if you think those guards are bad, you are a naïve little filly."
She whiped her head up. "Don't call me that."
He huffed. "I don't take orders from you, missy."
"Oh really, soldier. You don't take orders from the Element of Kindness?"
This caught him off guard. "The what? No, you couldn't be."
"Have you looked at my cutie mark?"
He blushed. "Uh... Um... No..."
"Well take a good look at it now." She flung her hindquarters into veiw. She was right, there they were, the three pink butterflies that proved Fluttershy was an Element.
"I, uh." He knelt, still hidden and unnoticed behind their rock. "I'm sorry."
Her gaze softened. "Get up, and go talk to your friends. Tell them about me, and... Um..." She hid behind her mane. "Make sure I don't get raped."
He smiled brightly. "Okay, eeyup!" He blushed again at the slip, and ran out to greet some particuarly muscled fellows.
She smiled at his departure. Now that's more like the Big Mac I know.
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Okay, before I get started with the first chapter, I think the description needs editing. It doesn't really tell the reader much about the story itself, and it also appears to contradict the tags (namely the romance one, and that the reader may be confused as to why a war story stars Fluttershy and Big Macintosh. Also you need a dark tag). Obviously you should mention the war in the description, but I suggest making it a bit cryptic and focusing on the main characters. Onto the story itself!
You should specify the voice comes from a different cell, because the scene is a little disorienting as it is.
It should be either "Maybe we should take her with us" or "Maybe we should take 'er with us" (if you're trying to represent a bit of a dialect.
I get that you're trying to portray how angry she is, but this is pretty much impossible for a mare like Fluttershy, and comes off as being silly rather than serious.
Okay, at this point it's pretty apparent I don't know what these things are. In fact, it's not been explained who these characters are at all up to this point, I've assumed they're the guards, so if they are not too much explanation is needed, but a little more time needs to be spent setting up the scene (conversely, I have to admit that this story gets to the action nice and quick, which is something that a lot of stories fail on, so maybe describe the environment at this point or right before they hit her to keep that going).
I'm not sure why this is indented so much and in italics. Typo, maybe? Also, ponies don't have arms.
I'm not sure why this is in italics either. You need something more to show his intensity here, because otherwise yelling seems out of place. Describe his expression, or add more detail in the intonation of his voice.
A while is two words.
I'm not totally sure what's going on here. Who's speaking and where are they?
Overall, I liked it!
You really are a much better writer than a lot of Fimfiction, and I think this story is particularly going good places. The back and forth between dark and cute moments is actually a very nice contrast that draws the reader in and makes them feel for the characters more.
Sorry if I was a little harsh, and I hope that helped!
1994052
What was I thinking?
The italics signify a memory breaking to the surface.
It has to be dark, for I must balance the universe within myself. (cute story need dark story)
Arms.
Being careful, put up warning.
DONE!!!!
thank you!
I'm intrigued. I love your descriptions and I find the world you've set up interesting. I like how the characters are acting, there is obvious some distance between them, emotional and physical, they've also changed and I'm interested in hearing what happened to them and if they can reconnect. Overall I like this and I will keep my eyes on it. Usually not a big fan of Dark fics, but I'm willing to try anything once and you haven't disappointed.
See you in Brighter Days!
NEVER
Joking, but thank you!
2011837 That last comment was ment for you. Sorry.
2015641 expanding on gremlin grenade's comment---
etiquette, not ediquette
Not sure if this was a typo or not, but anyway.
I loved it!