When a pony offers you alcohol, decline politely.
Ok, so technically I'm a captive in a castle with a demigod who has some seriously twisted designs for my meatbag body. It's probably safe to assume that she's going to be gone awhile with her 'duties' and since I have absolutely nothing to do, I decide to do a little spellcrafting. Lying down on that absolutely amazing bed, no really, it was like resting on air! Right, anyway, turning the amulet off, I push out with my focus to check there are no sudden surges in the local field. Better safe than seared. Since there isn't any movement in the field, I turn my focus back to myself.
Before we continue, let me tell you the interesting part about spell casting. You've got three basic types of casting methods: The safest to cast is the good old 'One shot', it's casting a spell you've spent time perfecting. Throwing a one shot is as simple as recalling the spell you want, tap the fields for some energy and use the fire word. Usually works fine as long as you've developed failsafes to stop unwanted triggering, which is something I'm definitely doing from now on.
Second type is the much less efficient, much more draining 'Free cast'. The process is largely simple to do, try and recall whatever effect you want. The more basic the better. Then shunt in that lovely local field energy and pray that it actually does roughly what you want it to. That's also the reason why those lunar guards didn't get thrown away. The process is dirty and usually ineffective. On the plus side, its fast and not very draining at all.
Third and final type is by far the more dangerous, yes, its 'Channeling'. Now how can I describe this to you non-wizarding types... Well, basically its the continuous application of power either through a spell matrix or a 'free cast' effect. Doesn't sound dangerous at all, right? WRONG! In reality, what you really need to imagine is this: You want a fire, but all you've got is a can of petrol (Or gasoline if you're American) and a box of matches. So you light the match box on fire, then just pour the petrol on the fire. Continuously. Until you're done casting or it's burned you.
Now why the hell would any moron channel anything? Because otherwise you'll be sitting there, yelling 'Torch!' every few seconds and probably end up having a seizure from all the flashing. Besides, the danger in this method is dependant on how much energy you need to push through to run the spell and how much attention you need to cast said spell. Tiny, basic is easy, big and complicated is hard. To make an easy analogy for channeling the latter: Imagine trying to run a marathon while also writing a book. In your head. In Klingon.
That's enough teaching. You didn't come to me for a lecture, you came to be entertained by me! Shade! Master of memory! Now, where wa... No, that joke is old. Whoever laughed, get out. Yes you, with the stupid expression, out with you. Ugh, look you can stay as long as you stop tearing up. There, that's better, now where was I? ....Damnit!
So, lying on that bed, my focus turned on myself, I wondered what spell I would create. Hmm. I did consider recreating some of my offensive ones, but the idea of getting mind raped so soon after my previous one wasn't appealing at all. Especially since I was almost sure they'd utilise the opportunity to go have a 'Happy Ending' in a completely obvious case of 'Oops, I just happen to levitate the wrong boo... Mmm. Oh my.' So what to do? Ah, that telekinetic spell did seem awful useful and, to be honest, I've never even thought of using magic to move stuff! Fire, sound yes, but never the ability to reach out and touch somebody.
Recalling back to that fateful Firestorm night, I tried to remember that strange telekinetic energy Loopy Luna tried to restrain me with. Maybe I've still got a tiny smidge of the stuff on me somewhere. Yes! A tiny piece! Perfect! Grabbing it with my focus, I studied it and holy shit this is amazing stuff! But, unfortunately, way too complicated for me to cast in its current form. But I don't really need the full whack of telekinesis, I just want to push things around, so I carve that little sucker up until just the pushing bit is left. Right, now we need to make this a one-shot!
Spell matrices, by their very nature, are a pain. You'd think it'd be simple. Energy input here. Effect you want in the middle and finally, output here. But as with most of my magic, its never as easy as it sounds. Something always manages to find a way to either interrupt me while I'm creating or the spell generates something completely different from its intent. Or as experience has taught me, its like: 'I'm gonna cast my new illumination spell... Jesus Christ Balls!' And then end up paying for an entirely new shed after the old one vanished. Didn't burn down, didn't vapourise, it just disappeared. I'm pretty sure it teleported, but I haven't gotten any 'Thanks for the sit-on lawnmower!' cards from an alternate universe. Well, not yet.
Anyway, eventually I manage to form a spell matrix around that annoying jot of energy. A touch of my skill to smooth the input, alittle refining of the output and done! One pushing spell! Now, to name my little beast. Do I really want to call it push? Pfft! Nah! How about... punt? Haha! Yea that'll do. With a quick magical scribble to confirm the fire word, we're complete! Now, to test!
Whoa, I forgot how I get when I'm spellcrafting. The sun has lowered significantly since I last looked and I'm covered in a thin veil of sweat. Well that's good! Maybe if I smell like a boys locker room she won't find me so appealing! Right, so back to the testing. Grabbing acouple books that the room had, I set them up at various points across the room with the idea of figuring out it's range and effectiveness. Lets do this!
30 minutes later, I collapse on the bed. Not only was Punt! Effective, it was also tremendously fun to play with! Like a kid with a new toy, I punted the books, I punted the curtains, I punted the windows and even, at the apex of the silliness, tried to overcharge the spell and punt the doors open. Actually, that's why I stopped playing with it. The doors were magically charged and reflected that energy back onto me, giving me a nice punch to the stomach. Fucking magical pony doors.
I feel the darkness slowly closing in on me, for once not due to a shadow creature or a magical misfire. A soft smile on my face, I drift off to sleep.
I was back at home, in the field I own behind my house. Yes, I own my own home AND a massive field behind it. How did I accomplish this without a job? Well, horses back on Earth are remarkably stupid and easily distracted by certain clicking noises... Make acouple of long shot bets on the right ones, add some magical fixing and serve to a delighted Shade. What? Yes, I realise that utilising my magical abilities to win bets at horseracing seems like an abuse of these gifts, but even a wizard of my exceptional caliber needs a place to rest his head. Besides, I still had Rachel.
Ah, Rachel. In the dream I was sitting next to our favourite tree, the picnic I'd prepared laid out infront of me. She was sort of running to me, her older legs not really able to go that fast but she was so excited to be in the glorious afternoon sun. We'd come out here on the nice days, run around the field and generally have fun when the weather was good. Some of my favourite moments are just me and her playing together.
Eventually, she got close enough and pounced on my chest. Laughing, I encircled her neck with my arms and smiled at her. She looked back at me with so much love! Running my fingers through her lovely blonde tangle, we shared a tender moment in that wonderful summer's day.
"I love you, Rachel." I said.
"Woof" she replied. Rachel's a dog, by the way. Probably should have mentioned that before.
She was the only one I ever showed my magic to. When I'm lying to myself, I like to think the only reason I did show her my tricks was because there was no chance of her betraying me to another human. But in reality, I really did love that damn dog. First time I showed her 'Torch' her tail wagged for an hour straight. She's dead now, she died of old age a month before I arrived in this crazy pony land. I had her cremated and buried her urn under our tree. She would have liked that. No goddamnit it, I'm not crying! I just got something in my eye!
Anyway, as the dream continued, we ate many foods (Her favourite was pork belly, fried. She chose that over everything. Mine was the simple ham sandwich, alittle mayonnaise and lettuce.) After consuming our delicious lunch, I laid down on the picnic blanket and she rested her head on my chest. I sighed contentedly as I stroked her fur and she looked up at me with her beautiful blue eyes. Hold on, the dream seemed to distort as I noticed the difference, her eyes are green. Not blue! Those eyes look suspiciously like Lu....
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.
Waking with a start, I heard the door being hammered by an obvious hoof. A quick look out the window confirmed the worst, it was night. Which means Luna is probably outside the door waiting to do battle with my tonsils.
"Shade, may I come in?" I hear her voice from outside the room. Suspicion confirmed!
"I suppose." Rising from the bed, I'm debated if I should just shove past her and leg it again. But since I have no idea how to get down from the hellish mountain-castle I might as well just get on with it.
Luna slowly opens the door, trying her best to look as arousing as possible as she gently trots into the room wearing what on a human would be a lovely short black dress. On a pony, it looks fucking silly. Honestly, who makes these clothes? You're naked ALL THE TIME! Sorry, that's always bothered me. Anyway, she eyes me up as she closes the door and poses.
"Well?"
"You look..." I have to stifle a laugh at the stupidity. "... Nice." Which wasn't sincere at all, but she still took the compliment with a smile.
"Are you hungry?"
"Luna, I'm not really all that hung.." My stomach growls. Shit. I forgot it's been atleast twenty four hours since my last meal, but still, fuck you traitor! After I've been raped by this pony princess I'm going to eat a vindaloo curry just to spite you!
She laughs. I notice local field went all wobbly as Luna's horn began to glow, jesus what is she doing now? Trying to magically... Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light and the snap of thunder. Blinking away the blindness, I find there is a table absolutely covered with food in the middle of the room with two chairs on either side. Wow, that's what I call room service!
"Shall we?" She says, gesturing with a hoof.
Reluctantly, I sit my hungry ass down on one of those chairs and look at the feast of food. Not one bit of meat to be had, but it still looks incredibly well prepared. I go with what appears to be a stuffed red pepper with rice. Luna picks the salad. Using her magic, she tried to eat a lettuce leaf in an erotic manner. Nota bene: There is no way you can eat a salad erotically. You'll just look like an idiot.
"Luna." I eventually say just before she starts on the string beans, because I see where that's going and it won't be pretty. She stops and looks at me.
"Yes, Shade?" Ok Starcunning man, we need to be subtle here. Let her down gently!
"Can you just... Stop that please. I get that you like me, but you've only known me for like, five minutes. The last twenty four hours have been the worst ones of my life. First that Shadow creature, then that firestorm, then that whole business with you removing my spells. I'm just not ready for any sort of.." Ugh. I'm not going to call the idea of dating a pony a 'relationship', I just can't. "...Anything right now."
"But I thought you... Forgave me." She sounds adorable and sad. Fuck sake, stop reacting you wishy-washy heart!
"Yes, I did. But you're very... forward. I don't know if it's a pony thing, but humans tend to need a little longer than the five minutes you've had to know me. Hell, the only thing you could know about me is that I can magic up stuff..." I stopped speaking as she grimaced. Oh what the fuck did you do now?
"Luna. What did you do?" She stares at the floor, unable to meet my eyes.
"It's been longer than a day." She finally says. "You were unconscious for a week." Fuck! "And Celestia and I needed to be sure you weren't a threat to our subjects." Ah, so we're back to the mindrape again. Fantastic.
"How much of my life did you see?" I was starting to get angry. Fucking mindbreaking ponies princesses! Checking out one memory was one thing, but how much did they get to watch before I threw them out?!
"Ever since you got your magic. Your life after then is one of the reasons I was so forward. Please forgive the intrusion, I just.." Her voice cracks, but I'm too pissed off to have any nice feelings at this point. "... I know what its like to be different from everypony else."
My anger fades into confusion. I'm not that different from other humans, I just have these wonderful magic hands! Yea, even to my own brain, that rationale sounded pathetic. Lately, well, before Equestria, I did feel lonely after Rachel passed, but I'm Shade! Starcunning man of dying alone. I couldn't do magic infront of anyone before, but now I can finally do it in the open! And Luna's alright. For a talking animal with magic... Christ, all this introspection is making want to drown myself in alcohol. Fortunately, a single bottle of wine sat on the table. Picking it up, I notice Luna is sniffing quietly, clearly assuming I'm going to hate her after her admission of her tour of my history.
"Luna?" I say as I finish pouring two glasses of wine, she looks up with a sad expression on her face. "Lets just pretend none of that happened and start fresh. We've got food, our health and wine here! So, Hello pony who I don't know, my name is Shade and I'm a human." I smile at her, but she doesn't return it.
"I was also the shadow creature that chased you through the forest." She flinches as she says it. Really? Fuck sake Luna I was just going to forgive you. Whatever, you're getting forgiven regardless. Sighing, I start talking again.
"HELLO PONY WHO I DON'T KNOW." Ok, that was too loud, easy up on the old lungs. "My name is Shade and I'm a human." Luna looks relieved and tries to smile, but its a feeble one. Apparently she still thinks I'm going to be mad.
"Hello Shade," She finally replies. "I'm Princess Luna."
"Would you like some wine, Princess Luna?" I offer a glass, which she takes with her magic.
"Thank you, but please, call me Luna." She takes a sip and her smile returns. Victory! Now I won't have a pissed off Celestia trying to ruin my shit.
"Why don't you tell me a little about yourself?"
"Well, every night I raise the moon." What. "I like long walks in the royal.." I interrupt.
"You do what to the moon?" She looks confused.
"I raise it. It's one of my royal duties." What the flying fucking shitballs is she talking about? "And Celestia raises the sun. I thought you knew."
Luna was looking moderately uncomfortable as I stared at her with a look that was half horrified and half terrified. I knew those two princesses were powerful, but goddamn! Moving a fucking stellar body? And not having it be a metaphor for disco dancing?! Finally, I composed myself somewhat, grabbed the glass of wine and downed the entire thing in a single motion before I spoke again. Luna's expression morphed into a look of amusement and concern
"Moving. The. Moon." I felt the wine's warmth flow from my stomach, wow that was some good shit. Not good enough to distract me from the underwear soiling terror of a magical moon mover, but still. "That must be one hell of a day job." Luna finally laughed.
"You really shouldn't have drank the whole glass. It's my Special Reserve wine." I feel a tremor in the local field and get the feeling shit is about to hit the fan.
"I'll be fine, it's only wine. I can handle my alco..." Was as far as I got, before the overwhelming feeling of both magic and alcohol consumed my senses. My memory blacked out almost immediately afterward. Fucking pony wine.
"Shade? Shade?! SHADE!!" I heard the voice of that bleach white pony as I tried to remember what a Shade was. Oh right, that's me!
"Afurgle" I replied, before I realised where I was.
Ever gotten so drunk, you can't remember how you got home? Or why you're still wearing your 'going out' clothes? Well, I do. That said, I've never woken up in a bathtub in a magical pony land. Celestia's face was looming over me as I tried to remember what the hell happened the night before. Normally, I would have patted myself down to check for my wallet and phone, but it didn't seem appropriate at that time.
"Maybe you would like to enlighten me as to why an establishment called 'The Sticky Stable' has sent us a bill for a thousand bits. One hundred and fifty of them for 'furniture destroyed during the brawl' and the rest for 'beverages consumed.'"
"Err." As I tried to call on my magical wit, I found myself somewhat debilitated by my drunkeness. Apparently, I was still completely ruined from the night before and by that I mean that even the idea of standing up was making want to hurl.
"Ah wuz drinkin wassle whiskulse adn den Luna! Maek fuzzle wuzzle the truzzle!" I managed to say. Good god, what the fuck do these ponies drink that can turn me into a wreck after a single glass of wine? What was so special about Special Reserve anyway?
"How drunk are you?" She glared at me in the same manner as my old boarding school mistress used to when she caught me sneaking around at 2 am.
You know how people represent other people's height with their hands? I did that. Slowly drawing my right hand up from my side, first to my chest, then paused briefly at my forehead before finally gesturing to the other side of the bathroom. Yes, I was completely shitfucked infront of a Goddess. Celestia looked less than pleased as her horn began to glow, some magical energy lanced out of it and impacted my chest.
"What the fuck?!" I cried as sobriety hit me like a sun going supernova in a dyson sphere.
"Detox spell." She said. "Now, perhaps you'd like to explain."
"The last thing I remember is Luna.." And then the lost night suddenly rematerialised in my mindbrary with all the grace of a wingless pigeon filled with birdshit.
"Do you believe in Magic, in a young ponies heart?" I winked at Luna as I belted out the lyric from the stage. The ponies in the crowd were either cheering drunkenly or singing along. The band replicated the music perfectly, wow, they know their shit!
"...I'll tell you about the magic and it'll free your soul..." This was the Sticky Stable, I drunkenly recalled, with live music every night. By the patrons. One of which is a very drunk me and Luna. She's smiling from a booth in the corner, apparently unnoticed by the drunk mob of ponies in the bar. Probably because they're all staring at me, the wierd ass thing singing on stage.
"Your hooves start tapping and you can't seem to find..." Microphone in hand, I start dancing as only a bipedal creature can while singing. Which is basically shuffling from side to side in a one-two step move. The ponies love it anyway, some even try and replicate it. Funny stuff.
"We'll dance until morning, 'till its just Luna and me..." The dark blue pony blushes at the overt reference. I can hear my internal voice screaming angry abuse as I do so, but whatever voice! I'm drunk, I do whatever the fuck I want and, right now, I want to motherfucking sing!
"...Believe in the magic of Rock and Roll..." I drunkenly flick the amulet to the off position. At the time I thought I was being very James Bond, but I'm fairly certain it looked like some idiot pawing uselessly at the thing. No pony notices.
"...Do you believe in maaaaaaagic?" As I gestured with my hand at the end of the song, free casting several 'torch's across the room to replicate a starry night. The ponies 'ooh'd' in drunken glee as the tiny motes of light drifted across the room. As I cut the energy to the micro-stars the room dissolved into what sounded like a stampede of hoove-aplause with a side order of cheering.
I bowed as only a drunk human could, which is looks like you've started to fall over only to catch yourself at the apex of the collapse. Taking that as my cue to leave the stage, I weave through the crowd of adoring ponies, receiving many a complimentary hoof to the arm from the stallions and what I can only think of as the pony equivalent of a butt pinch from the mares. Incidentally, that feels like someone punching you in the ass. Who could have guessed getting liquored up would have such a positive effect on my singing voice? My approach to the booth isn't noticed by Luna as she knocks back yet another glass of her 'Special Reserve' wine. Taking a seat next to her, I wait for her to realise I'm here.
"Shade!" She drunkenly splutters when she finally notices me. "That was wonderful!" I blush.
"Thank you. It's one of my favourite songs." She levitates another glass of wine to me. "Why Luna! I think you're just getting me drunk so you can have your way with me..." Yes. I said that. Usually when I do the woman I've said it to runs screaming the fuck away.
"Maybe." Luna replies coyly.
Whatever. I chug it down and feel the magic alcohol work its way through my....
"Come on Helga! You can do it!" I practically scream at the very large griffon as she tries to stuff another shot of hay-cohol down her beak. "I thought you were tough!"
"Ah am tuff! I'd wape you in a faight!" She says, clutching the bar with her foreclaws with all her might. We're at the main bar now and I've got my arm draped around that glassy eyed moon goddess while I watch a wasted griffon try to beat me in a drinking contest.
"Pfft! Look, I'll do it!" I say as I throw back that hay-based shot without a thought. As it burns its way through my digestive tract, I look at Helga as she eyes me with drunken contempt.
"I was gunna do it, you flank!"
"Thought you'd given up, chickenwing." I reply, angering her further.
"Blunt beak!" She replies. I notice the rest of the bar quiet down and Luna stiffens in response. I'm guessing that's a griffon insult.
"Lightweight." Rising from her stool, she puts her forehead against mine in an obvious display of rage.
"Freak." She practically whispers to me, her beak tapping my nose as she does so.
"P..." I pause for a moment, this creature as claws, what appears to be a razor sharp beak and wings. Do I really want to... "...ansy." Apparently I do want to piss off a griffon.
The moment is tense as we stare each other down. The rest of the bar patrons are looking at us with a mixture of confusion and fear. Helga raises her claw, keeping it around my chest area as if she intends to disembowel me. Then, surprisingly, she starts to laugh.
"You're a riot, Shade! I've never met a creature who could outstare an angry looking me!" She offers her claw and I shake it carefully.
"It helps when you're not intimidated by a guy." Helga chuckles.
"I'm a girl, you overgrown diamond dog!"
"Could have fooled me..." I reply, earning a sharp clawed punch to the shoulder. I laugh heartily and so does she.
"Shall we have another drink?" Luna had finally returns to the land of the 'merely wasted'. The griffon's wings shoot out as she cheers in drunken joy. The barpony looks like he's got pound signs in his eyes as he smiles at the wierd combo of me, an alicorn and Helga.
"Another round of Herbaceous shots!" That birdbrain yells.
"Coming right..."
"....And when he woke up, his wallet was missing and the guardsman was never heard from again!" They all roared with laughter. We were out by the firestorm lake. Helga, Luna, some other ponies whose names I can't remember and a supposedly teenage dragon. Who was absolutely wasted on what was apparently Diamond liquor, I did try it and it was like drinking gravel mixed with wet sand. Don't try it, it's as horrible as it sounds.
"So, naturally, I give the guy some money to get home and he tells me: 'Shade, you're my best friend!' and the wanders off. I never saw him again!" They chuckle at the end of my story.
Eventually, the rest of the group returns to their respective homes, leaving just me and Luna. I'm lounging against a tree, relaxing while Luna's head rests on my chest. The rest of her body is close to mine. She's wearing a soft contented smile on her lips. Without thinking, I've started to stroke her neck and she sighs quietly.
"Shade?" She whispers to me.
"Yes?" Luna pauses.
"I... Like this." She finally utters. I feel a tiny, TINY portion of my heart melt. She's a lonely soul and, to be frank, so am I. I'm a Starcunning man of magic from a world that would probably carve me up to understand why I can do what I do. And here is a creature who not only understands magic, but actually likes me! Luna's eyes bore into me as I come to an alarming realisation.
"I... Like this too." I finally say, leaning forward to nuzzle that crazy....
"FUCKING SHITBALLS!" I screamed from the tub. "FUCKING ASSRANGING FECALSNIPER RAGEMONKEY TITFUCK..."
"SHADE!" Celestia interrupts my mono-swear-a-log.
"Cockwrangler." Finally, I manage to stop the cussing.
"So, I take it you've remembered what happened last night?"
"Bits of it." I feebly reply.
"And?"
"You. Don't. Want. To. Know."
"That bad?"
"I remember singing at a bar. Having a drinking contest and... other stuff. I don't want to talk about it."
"Do you know where Luna is? And why you're wearing her crown?"
"Celestia, I have no memor... Wait, her crown?" Reaching up, I feel the cold metal against my head. Holy shit. "Hmm. No idea. I don't even know how I got here last night. Last thing I remember is nuzzling Luna near that lake."
Celestia's expression changes from annoyance to pleased. Fuck! STUPID DRUNK ME! I'm swearing off alcohol for the remainder of my trip! God, why do I need to be such a needy fucker when I'm completely spannered on booze!?! Fortunately, the stellar pony picks up on my internal argument and tries to distract me.
"I've organised a magic tutor for you, she should be able to assist you with your... premature magic problem. She'll meet you here at four, assuming you ever leave that tub." Oh Celestia, why you've got to be so mean.
"While this is a very nice bath, I think I'll make it. Thanks." As she turns to walk away, she seems to notice something in the other room.
"Shade, why is there a traffic cone in the bed?" Wow, really?
"Because.... Because.... Its a human tradition when you consume alcohol to excess. It means you've had a great night out." I hear a small giggle. Yes!
"Well, I have duties to attend to, including paying that bar tab." I grimace, hopefully Luna's got some mon... "My sister will naturally cover your half, since I'm fairly certain she's responsible for most of it." Fuck yea!
"Thank you, Celestia." She finally leaves.
Wow, that detox spell is bloody magic! But I'm still knackered from all that drunken fun I had. Lying in the warm ceramic of the bathtub, I try and recall what happened after I nuzzled Luna. Well, while internally kicking myself for being a fucking idiot. But I find no memory of anything past that point. Well, atleast I didn't end up in bed with her. Again. Unintentionally, I fall into a warm dreamless sleep. Time must have passed quickly, because I'm very suddenly awoken by what appears to be someone kicking my door down. Practically falling out of the tub, I see a olive green unicorn mare marching into the room cladded in golden armor.
"SO THE PRINCESS WANTS ME TO HELP YOU, FOAL, WITH YOUR LITTLE MAGIC PROBLEM!" Christ, she sounds just like a drill instructor from the movies. "WHAT'S THE MATTER, STALLION? YOU AIN'T GOT NO ANGLE ON YOUR LITTLE DANGLE? WELL BUCK UP AND PAY ATTENTION! MY NAME IS HOOFBEAT, BECAUSE I'LL BEAT YOUR FLANK IF YOU DON'T PAY ATTENTION! NOW GET OUT HERE!"
What the fuck is this shit?
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Heh, from the sounds of it, you had a great birthday party! And maybe the scenes are from true events, eh? hehe
amusing.
moar.
Who else thought the tutor would be twilight. Show of hands.
2109026 *raises up hand* That or luna herself.
will he ever meet the mane six? will he ever go to ponyville?
"SO THE PRINCESS WANTS ME TO HELP YOU, FOAL, WITH YOUR LITTLE MAGIC PROBLEM!" Christ, she sounds just like a drill instructor from the movies. "WHAT'S THE MATTER, STALLION? YOU AIN'T GOT NO ANGLE ON YOUR LITTLE DANGLE? WELL BUCK UP AND PAY ATTENTION! MY NAME IS HOOFBEAT, BECAUSE I'LL BEAT YOUR FLANK IF YOU DON'T PAY ATTENTION! NOW GET OUT HERE!"
"AND MY NAME IS SHADE, THE BEARER OF MIGHTY HANGOVER! NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP BEFORE I SHOVE MY TRUSTY ROAD CONE SO DEEP INSIDE YOUR ASS THAT IT WILL COME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH, YA FREAKING TALKING HORSE!"
2109026
That would be waaaay too predictable. I'm trying my hardest to keep away from the usual predictable stuff.
2111956
C'mon! I'm not spoiling anything. Nope. Maybe.