Apple Pie

by GauntletsofRai

I Spoke Too Soon

Applejack's stomach did several double back flips as she looked out the door of Books and Branches. The entire tree-library was floating about twenty feet in the air, much like several other houses in the vicinity.

She inhaled sharply and skidded away from the edge of the door and back into the library, hitting her back against the horse head bust in the center of the room. Pinkie Pie inquired what was wrong with her, and inquiry that was shortly put to rest as she stumbled back out of the doorway, screaming in terror.

"Dashie! What's going on out there?! Why is everything floating?!" Pinkie had propped her back up against the very same bust as she hyper ventilated out of Applejack's mouth.

Rainbow Dash snorted and made her way up the stairs to the bedroom loft. "Take a wild guess! Notice anything familiar?"

Applejack trotted to the window to look outside, but her view was obscured...

...by a cotton candy cloud.

Off in the distance, Applejack could see a little cloud about the size of a couch. And riding atop this couch was a very familiar amalgamation of animal parts. "No way..."

Applejack shook her head while muttering her disbelief as she backed away from the window. A moment later, Rainbow Dash flew down the stairs with the limp form of Twilight Sparkle hanging from her forehooves. She set her down on the floor in front of the two body-swapped ponies. "You guys! What happened to her?! We need Twilight awake so we can use the elements!"

Applejack ran around the library, looking for where the elements might be. "Oh great, just great. GREAT GREAT GREAT! This day couldn't have gotten any worse, and Pinkie had to go an' open her huge mouth!"

Pinkie stopped hyperventilating long enough to shoot Applejack an angry glare. "Hey, it's not my fault! How was I supposed to know this was gonna' be one of those days!"

Applejack paused in her search, a pile of books building up behind her as she searched the shelves for the secret door where Twilight kept the elements. "IT WAS ALREADY ONE OF THOSE DAYS!"

Rainbow Dash sat in the middle of the library, the two earth pony mares bickering loudly as Twilight still layed unconscious at her hooves. She grunted and Yelled out at them both. "You guys, stop it right now!! We need Twilight up and ready pronto! This is no time for stupid arguing!"

Pinkie abruptly stopped the argument and face-hoofed. Applejack shuddered and really hoped Pinkie didn't just leave an embarrassing bruise on her face. "I'm such a huge dummy! I could have fixed Twilight right away!" She reached around to her flank, stopping once she realized her current situation. She turned around to Applejack and started pawing at the air around her with her hooves.

"Pinkie, what the hay are you doin'?"

Pinkie huffed and sat back down on her rear. "I had one of Zecora's brews stashed away for a situation just like this one! And OF COURSE now that I need it, I can't find it!" She swatted around Applejack's flanks a few more times before giving up and sitting back down. "You'll have to get it! You're in my body, you can find it!"

Applejack looked around for a good while, trying to figure out what she was talking about. She was obviously not wearing any saddlebags, so she had no idea where she was supposed to find this 'magical brew.' "What they hay am I s'posed to do? Pull it outta thin air?"

"Yes, exactly!"

Applejack gave Pinkie her most extremely puzzled looks. In fact, she had gotten so good at making puzzled looks, that her abilities had soared through the rungs of the puzzle-ladder and had finally reached the ultimate tier of puzzling looks. A puzzled look that puzzled so infinitely into space that all of the world's secrets became privy to her in the vastness of her mortal brain. But she could access none of them, because that was a really stupid analogy that was totally untrue. Pinkie huffed and waved her hooves around in the air. "I dunno how it works! Just pretend you're going to grab something out of where a saddlebag would normally be!"

It was at this time that Applejack's mind began to spiral into the depths of the fathomless unknown. It is the point in which she realized that nothing else that could possibly happen today would possibly be normal or sane at all. So she went along with the insanity.

She swiped a hoof at her flank, and she'd be darned if a little vial of glowing green liquid didn't just roll right across the floor to Twilight's forlorn frame. Rainbow Dash quickly seized the vial and poured it's contents directly into Twilight's muzzle, not even stopping to consider what the eerie green liquid might be.

The group of three ponies waited anxiously as at first, nothing happened. Then suddenly, Twilight's horn began to vibrate wildly out of control, sparks of all colors flying out into the air. Her eyes shot open as she inhaled powerfully through her mouth, her irises tinted with a faint purple glow. She immediately jumped onto her hooves and started running circles around the library, rambling fast-lipped nonsensities as she went.

"OHMYGOSHI'VENEVERFELTTHISGOODICANTASTESOUNDWHYAMISOHYPERINEEDSOMECANDYRIGHTNOW!!!"

Twilight stopped dead in the center of the three ponies who were now eyeing her with a growing sense of worry, all but Pinkie, who was clapping her hooves together and chanting, 'it worked, it worked, it worked, I knew it!' Twilight trotted manically in place, trying her very best to look every which way at once, her legs a restless lavender hurricane. "OK, we need to get going here! Lets go, come on! Where's the Elements? Where where where where, OH WAIT I know!" Twilight spun around and faced the bookshelf in the furthermost corner of the library, knocking books aside with incredible alacrity and strength. She revealed a horseshoe-shaped indention in the wall and then promptly rammed her hoof against it as many times as she could. The old piece of paneling had started to open the first time she touched it, but her constant and overactive hoof eventually ripped it from it's hinge mechanism, exposing the Elements in their gilded chest.

She grabbed the chest with her magic and flung it through the air at Pinkie, who caught it right in the chest. If she hadn't been in Applejack's body, the blow might have crushed her rib cage. Twilight threw open the lid and sent the Elements flying through the air at a very unsafe speed towards the three other ponies' necks. Their respective Elements each clasped a little too tightly around their necks, causing Rainbow Dash to fly back and hit the opposite wall, and throwing Applejack into a back flip before landing solidly on her face.

Twilight danced around in circles, quickly talking away as she tried to jam her tiara onto her head in the right position. Eventually, her gait began to decrease in speed, and she was left huffing and puffing in front of the three ponies, a sweat breaking out on her forehead as her knees shook uncontrollably. "What *wheeze* was that stuff, Pinkie? *wheeze*"

Pinkie fought to loosen the Element around her neck, speaking with a raspy voice under the pressure. "One of Zecora's brews! It's got something called coca leaves and some extract of epinepy-epinerpy-whatever. And limes. She said it would restore a unicorn's magic if she burnt out, which I guess it did! Yay me!"

Twilight wheezed some more as she fought to steady her shaking knees and wipe the cold sweat off of her forehead at the same time, her pupils retracted to pinpoints. "Don't ever get me to drink that stuff again, okay?" She walked shakily over to Rainbow Dash, who was nursing her wing and a sore neck, where she was sure there would be a lightning-shaped bruise tomorrow. "Okay dash, what do we need the Element's for?"

Rainbow Dash pointed out the door with a hoof. "Take a look yourself!" Twilight obeyed, walking up to the door and stopping just inches from a surely fatal fall. Down on the ground, Fluttershy and Rarity were waving at her, trying to get her attention. She followed their gesturing until she was looking at the all too familiar form resting on a bank of clouds and floating through the air as if Ponyville were his twisted little pool. She gasped and ground her teeth together, drawing out the unspeakably horrible monster's name like a curse. "Discord!"

She pivoted around and faced Rainbow Dash, her composure somewhat regained after her ultimate potion rush had settled down. "Alright, I don't know how, and I don't know why, but Discord's back. Our only chance is to go down there and hit him with the Elements as fast as we can, before he can do anything tricky. Dash, you take Apple- er, Pinkie, and I'll teleport Applejack and me down with the others, okay?"

Rainbow Dash gave a salute and grabbed Applejack under the crooks of her front legs and flew out the door in one smooth motion. Twilight gave the remaining two Elements to Pinkie, who caught them cautiously in her hooves. Twilight hooked her legs around Pinkie's now much thicker and orange neck, and grunted with effort as a blinding glow enveloped them both and whisked them away through the fabric of space.

They both appeared on the ground next to the two remaining members of the group, flinging their respective Elements towards them quite unceremoniously. Rainbow Dash dropped Applejack safely to the ground and circled around until she was standing with the group of six legendary ponies, their stances ready to deploy the power of friendship.

That infamous draconequus drifted by, a coconut glass with a little pink umbrella clutched in his eagle claw. He drawled a lazy and placid greeting as he pushed the cloud around with one goat hoof towards the group and lifted his bejeweled sunglasses with his lion paw. "Oh, hey you guys! Fancy seeing you here! Do you vacation here often?"

Just then, a pleasant little cottage drifted errantly towards him, prompting him to flick it's aside, which sent the house and the several screaming ponies inside rocketing off into the distance. He twisted around, resting his chin on his paw-and-claw as he wistfully kicked his feet in the air. "Sooo, how you guys doing? Long time no see, am I right?"

Twilight stepped forward and willed her tiara to glow. "Don't listen, girls! Let's hit him with all we've got, NOW!"

Discord rolled his eyes and drifted a little closer to the group of ponies. "Oh, I forgot to ask, who are the new bodies working out? Adjusting well, I presume?"

The three other ponies who weren't in the know looked at each other questioningly. Applejack stepped forward, her best intimidating voice negated by Pinkie's squeaky vocal cords. "You no good trickster! I oughta' string you up like a piñata and beat you senseless fer switchin' us up like this!"

Seemingly out of nowhere, the grinning draconequus had donned a collared shirt with a pocket protector, along with a bowtie and a pair of thick-rimmed spectacles. He gasped and gestured towards himself. "You wouldn't dare hit a guy with glasses, would you?"

His indignant smirk was washed clean off of his face by a flying cupcake that hit him right between the eyes. He wiped the frosting off of his face to reveal a demon-like snarl. He flicked the frosting to the side, causing it to collide with a second house, only to blow it into a million tiny pieces in an inexplicable explosion. Discord discarded his sunny disposition and continued his discourse. "So, you want to play it like that, do you? Well, how do you like THESE APPLES?!"

A torrent of literal apples began to fall all around the girls' heads as they expertly dodged all of them. Twilight stood triumphantly in front of the Formation of Harmony, scoffing at Discord's attack. "Ha, you call that an attack? Eat Harmony, villain!" The lights of the Elements merged together to create one swirling vortex of rainbow light, which converged high above them and came crashing down on Discord he screamed in terror as the rainbow light turned him back into a silent and un-moving statue.

Twilight jumped up and down in triumph as her friends gathered around for a group hug. "We did it girls! We defeated Discord again! Now all of Equestria is safe!" The group of ponies cheered a triumphant cheer. Twilight stopped as her face grew serious for a moment. "But there's still one ore thing to take care of." The world became an infinitely dark plane, with only one spotlight shining down on Twilight. Out of the shadows stepped none other than Applejack, still stuck inside Pinkie's body.

"Twi... w-what is this?"

"I have a confession to make, Applejack. I'm madly in love with you!"

"W-wha? But Twilight, it'll never work! This relationship can't possibly work while I'm stuck inside Pinkie's body!"

Twilight rushed forward to embrace Applejack, her hooves caressing softly through her pink curly hair. "Hush, Applejack. Now's not the time for words, now's the time for love!"

"Oh, Twilight!"

"Oh, Applejack!"

"And then, they kissed! Mwah, mwah, mwah!"

"Wait, WHAT?!" Twilight and the other's had somehow been unknowingly sitting down in a row of theater seats as Discord pressed the mouths of two disturbingly life-like puppets together while making obscene kissing noises.

"I wrote a fan-fiction of you guys while I was doing my time in the proverbial pokey! Do you think the plot could use a little more substance?"

Twilight got up and bucked the theater chair away, a fire growing in her eye sockets. "Enough fooling around! Girls, form up!"

As the six friends gathered into their formation, the lights of their Elements shone brightly as they converged into a twisting vortex of rainbow light. Discord conjured up a large dartboard and mockingly strapped himself to the center, giggling with malicious glee. Instead of coming down hard on him, like last time, the rainbow light began to flicker as the colors began to run together and become dull. The rainbow light of harmony floated sluggishly towards him until in dropped to the ground with a dull thud and dissipated.

Twilight looked at the fading light and shuddered, shaking her head back and forth. "No, no! It has to work! Try it again!" Discord let loose his poorly contained laughter as the Elements flickered uselessly the second time.

He popped off the dart board and rolled around on the ground in his laughter, causing Twilight's face to glow a bright cherry red. "What did you do to the Elements, you... you... PANSY-EATER!!!"

Discord stopped in his reverie to release a long and exaggerated gasp of surprise. He calmly got up, walked over to Twilight, and firmly shoved a bar of soap into her mouth. As she choked on the soap, trying her hardest to remove the soap from her tongue, Discord exploded into a fit of unstoppable chuckles. "Oh, oh, it's too much! My ribs! Hoo hoo hoo, my ribs!"

While Discord laughed away, and with the three other ponies staring at the odd spectacle with utterly confused glances, Applejack and Pinkie Pie both inspected their Elements. "Hey, Pinkie. Did yer Element glow when we did the thing?"

"Nope. I thought it was a little weird, but I didn't say anything. Why didn't it glow?"

Applejack looked down and tapped Pinkie's blue balloon Element. "I dunno... Hey! maybe since we switched bodies, we gotta keep our same Elements! Quick, lets switch real quick!"

The two took their bodies' respective Elements and switched them around. Instead of feeling the warmth emanating from the gem when she donned it, Applejack felt nothing but a cold golden collar with a plain old gem in the middle. "I dpn't understand! It's not workin' like it should!" She turned around to face Discord as she dropped the whisper and spoke with her full voice. "Hey, you dirty menagerie mish-mash! What did you do to the Elements?"

Discord stopped laughing and let the struggling Twilight free from his extended arm and let her fall to the ground. He huffed and rolled his eyes derisively. "Well, isn't it obvious?" After a few negatory head shakes, he rolled his eyes, literally this time, and appeared next to them. "Must I spell out everything for you ponies? Look, it's very simple. The Elements were the only thing keeping me imprisoned in stone. Sooo, I switch a couple of Elements arooound..." a very familiar carving sprouted up out of nowhere between his eagle claws as he spoke. " ... and the chaos that ensues is enough to release the Elements' hold on me, allowing me sweet, sweet freedom!" Discord punctuated his last sentence by rapping the totem on both of their heads. "DUHHHHHH!"

Twilight, who had been fuming in silence, took the opportunity to fling herself at Discord with a jarring battle cry. She plucked the totem from his clutches in mid-air and landed solidly on her hooves, the totem clenched between her hooves. "Hey, no fair! Give it back or I'm telling!"

Twilight spat out the totem and caught it with her magic. She turned to the two switched mares and hurried them forward. "RUN! NOW!"

Applejack and Pinkie set off after Twilight at a breakneck speed as Discord lunged for them with his claws outstretched. Just as he was reaching the apex of his flight, however, he had found that a pink and very trendy scarf had been wrapped around his hind legs. He dropped to the ground with a solid thud as another scarf entangled his upper extremedies. The embodiment of chaos struggled around on the ground as a prim and proper unicorn flipped her gorgeous hair triumphantly. "Curse you, you beautiful fiend!"

Rainbow Dash flapped her wings a few times and then perched on top of his arched back. "Are you serious? You can like, teleport and stuff! Why are you letting a few flimsy scarves hold you down?"

Discord's mouth formed into a tight line as his eyes focused into pinpoints. "Oh, but of course! Thank you ever so much, Rainbow Dash!" He patted her on the head and then promptly vanished, leaving a pile of limp scarves. Rarity shot Rainbow Dash a dirty look, which she responded to with an apologetic smile.

* * *

Twilight ran breathlessly through the warped alleyways of Ponyville, stopping to look around the corner and see if both Applejack and Pinkie had followed her complex twists and turns. She relaxed a little as they both caught up to her, panting like so many tired doggies. She set down the totem and pulled both of them aside so she could arrange them to face each other over it. "Alright, we only have a little time before Discord finds us, lets do this and get you two back to normal! Just stare at the totem, and touch it when I say so!"

The both of them nodded their acquiescence as Twilight lowered her horn to the totem. "Here goes nothing!" A quick burst of magic from her horn illuminated the totem, which in turn illuminated both Pinkie and Applejack. Twilight was about to say something when a loud bang and a flash of light sounded off in the alley behind them.

Twilight looked over the two entranced mares as Discord arose from a perfectly circular smoking crater. He was wearing a pair of dark sunglasses that allowed the light from two mechanical red eyes to shine through. "Hasta la vista, filly." He stepped slowly and deliberately towards them, his feet coming down hard on the cobblestone pavement with oddly mechanical whirring sounds. He grabbed Twilight by the throat with a vice-like grip, lifting her off of the ground.

Twilight focused on her horn, which caused a beam of concentrated magic to come down hard on Discord's offending arm. The blast tore the scales of his eagle claw apart, revealing a menacing mechanic limb. Twilight recoiled at the sight and strained her throat to yell. "Now! Touch it now!"

The two mares reached out their hooves simultaneously and placed them down on top of the totem. A strange pink light floated out of Applejack's body as it met with the orange glow that was escaping from Pinkie's body. The two lights began to mingle together and then floated slowly towards the opposite mare.

Discord quickly looked down and removed his glasses, returning back to normal. He bent down and picked up the totem as the two monotone auras were sucked into the totem like a vacuum. "Oh no you don't!" He dropped Twilight in the midst of her two now unconscious friends while he held up the totem into the air, laughing maniacally.

Twilight rubbed her throat and coughed a raspy laugh. "Wha-*ack* did you do to them?"

Discord looked down on her, an inexplicable darkness spread over his face, a few stray cracks of lightning resounding behind him. "Oh don't worry my little pony. They're perfectly fine and unharmed. They'll just be taking a nap now... and quite a long one at that."

Twilight stood shakily to her hooves, still nursing her sore throat. "You're a monster! A hideous monster!"

Discord bent downwards and pressed his face against Twilight's muzzle, a manic chuckle drifting down her spine. "Tell me something I don't know!"

* * *