“Why am I cursed with all of this knowledge? Why am I burdened with these memories? Why was I the only one? The only one who survived? None of the others knew; they didn’t know anything. They wallowed in ignorance!”
In the middle of the night, in the dead silence of Luna’s reign, a pony lurked about.
“And their ignorance was rewarded with their demise. Was there not another way? I won’t deny the complexity that we presented, but murder is still murder.”
She knew wanted. She knew what she needed. And she knew exactly how she was going to go about getting it all. Granted, she hadn’t ironed out all of the details, but she had suddenly found herself with an eternity of time on her hooves to do just that.
“Coincidence or fated, it matters not. I am alive with this knowledge, and I will do everything in my power to put right what you have done wrong. Phase One begins now!”
Rarity’s Boutique, her target, her first step, the beginning of the end for that wretched, monstrous, abomination of a unicorn that she had come to know as Twilight Sparkle.
“I cannot wait to see the look on your face when it all comes together like a newly completed jigsaw puzzle. That look alone will make all of this worthwhile.”
She approached the boutique and began picking the lock on the window of the first floor.
“I’ll have my vengence. You WILL realize the consequences of your decisions, Twilight Sparkle.”
The lock gave a satisfying click that informed her that she had successfully gained entry to the installation of her target.
“Because I know you, Twilight Sparkle. I know what makes you tick. I know your capabilities. I know your weaknesses. I know your idiosyncrasies. I know everything there is to know about you.”
She sneaked in through the window and quickly surveyed her surroundings. Spotting the stairs, she silently began to climb them.
“After all, I’m your friend, Twilight Sparkle.”
Greeted by the sounds of Rarity and Opal’s light snoring, the mysterious pony entered the unicorn’s bedroom.
“And friends don’t kill ponies.”
She crawled up to the chest that lay at the foot of Rarity’s bed. Soundlessly opening it, she began to search through its contents.
“Not here.”
She closed the lid and moved to the closet.
“Grrrrr.”
She immediately spun around to see a full conscious and alert Opal jump down from the bed and approach her.
Smirking, the pony held out her hoof for the cat to sniff. “You stupid cat,” she murmured.
Said feline quickly sniffed the pony’s hoof, purred, licked it, and slowly strolled away from the intruder and out of the room through the door.
Breathing a small sigh of relief, the pony turned her attention back towards the closet and began to search for the desired treasure.
Her eyes lit up, and her teeth revealed themselves in a grin. “There you are.”
She removed from the wardrobe the infamous Mare Do Well costume, practically brand new since the little escapade of the costume hero’s first and only appearance.
“You will do very nicely.”
She removed the costume and hat from the closet. Looking back at the sleeping unicorn, the pony decided that now would be an ideal opportunity to begin the cascading sequences that would lead to the downfall of Twilight Sparkle and thus quickly donned the costume of Mare Do Well.
"While I may not be portraying the character accurately," she thought to herself, "I lack the essentials to make my own masked costume to use. A readymade suit is a readymade suit, and beggars can't be choosers."
She walked over to the bedroom window and opened it, gauging the distance to the ground for the required jump that she would soon be required to make. With her escape route ready, she sneaked over to the bed and carefully removed the sleeping mask that was wrapped around Rarity’s head. She placed one foreleg on the sleeping mare’s throat and began roughly tapped her head.
Rarity began to respond to the interruptance in her sleep. “Mmmh, mrgh. Mrrr?”
The pony sighed in annoyance and smacked her.
Jolted awake, Rarity's eyes shot open to see the mask of Mare Do Well staring down into her.
Before Rarity could scream, the pony used her first foreleg to clamp down on her throat, reducing the mare’s would-be screams to mere gags and gasps for air.
The pony murmured in a low, even monotone that dripped with venom, “Twilight Sparkle will suffer.”
Her words spoken, she released her grip on the unicorn and made a dash for the window. She leaped out of it and into the night, leaving Rarity in a mixture of terror, surprise, and confusion.
"'Suffer' might have been an understatement," she thought to herself as she galloped away.
The pony continued to gallop through Ponyville and towards the Everfree Forest. Despite the lethality of said forest, she charged straight in. When Ponyville was just out of sight, she quickly came across a small clearing in the wooded area, stocked with a small amount of supplies and a hollowed tree for shelter.
"'Bring to justice' might be a more precise term."
Catching her breath, she took off the hat and mask of her newly acquired costume.
“You will serve your purpose well,” she said aloud with a smooth and confident aire. “That is, of course, until the Seventh Phase begins.” She approached her hollowed tree and withdrew from it a pack of black tie dye. “But, until that specific point in time is upon me, you will do more than suffice.” She began preparing the collected materials. “Now, let’s get you better suited to my needs. Phase One may be complete, but Phase Two must begin immediately, if I am to retain the element of surprise.”
The following morning, the Mane Six and Spike had gathered in the library. Needless to say, all seven of them were not in the best of moods.
Applejack paced around the main room. “It just don’t add up! Who’d wanna hurt Twilight? And why would they want the Mare Do Well costume?” She came to an abrupt halt and looked at Twilight. “And why would they bother hurtin’ Rarity if they wanted you?”
Rainbow Dash said, “I say we line everypony up in ponyville and find out!”
Fluttershy attempted to reason, “But, everypony’s a nice pony. No pony would want to hurt Rarity or Twilight.”
Pinkie Pie agreed, “And I know everypony in Ponyville! And I know that everypony in Ponyville’s a good pony in Ponyville!”
Twilight interrupted, “Girls! Please! We can figure this out.” She looked to Rarity who had taken up residence on the couch. “She didn’t hurt you, right?”
With most of her composure regained since the intrusion last night, Rarity said, “No. No, she didn’t. All she said was that you would suffer, Twilight.”
Twilight grimaced. “I have no idea who would want me to suffer. Trixie and I already made up.”
Spike asked, “Should we send a letter to the princess?”
Twilight thought for a moment. “No, I don’t think that will be necessary. Princess Celestia has a kingdom to run, and we don’t need to bother her when I’m the one this pony’s after.”
“Twilight,” Rarity interjected, “This pony obviously doesn’t mind messing with us to get to you.”
“Rarity’s got a point,” Rainbow Dash agreed, “What if she goes after us next?”
“If somepony tries to strangle me,” Applejack stated, “They’ll be explaining themselves in a body cast.”
Pinkie Pie optimistically stated, “Well, at least we know we’re looking for somepony in the Mare Do Well costume!”
Twilight asked Rarity, “Did she take anything besides the costume?”
Rarity answered, “No. No, I don’t think so.” Her expression turned to perplexion. “But, now that I think of it, Opal didn’t wake me.”
Everypony turned to her.
Rainbow Dash asked, “What'd ya mean?”
“I would think,” she explained, “That Opal would have put up some sort of fight if she knew that somepony was in my room. But she didn’t.”
Levitating a quill and a piece of paper, Twilight stated, “We should be writing these things down.”
Applejack looked at the clock. “Say, Rar, you plannin’ on takin’ the day off? ‘Cause you’d normally have your doors open by now.”
“Oh,” she looked at the clock, “Oh my! You’re absolutely right!” She got up from the couch and made her way to the door. “I should be going! Let me know if anything comes up!”
Twilight was about to protest, but Applejack placed a hoof on her shoulder, signaling for her to let Rarity go.
Closing the door behind her, Rarity bid her friends goodbye. “Ta ta, girls!”
As the door slammed shut, Twilight looked at Applejack.
Answering the unspoken question, the farmer answered, “I reckon it’ll do her good to take her mind off what’s happened. And I don't think this mystery pony would attack the same pony twice if she's after you.”
“Speaking of what happened,” Rainbow Dash suggested, “I think I should stay here. Y’know, to protect you, just in case this pony decides to make her move on you.”
Applejack said, “I agree with Rainbow. Just aint safe, leavin’ you alone.”
Twilight said, “I don’t think that you need to worry too much about me, Applejack.” She began to pace around the room. “Whoever this pony is, she hates me with a passion. But I can’t, for the life of me, think of anypony who I might have hurt that badly.”
“Um, Twilight?” Fluttershy asked, “How do you know she’s a she?”
The unicorn responded, “Rarity was positive that the voice she heard was female.”
Rainbow Dash complained, “Well, that doesn’t really help us. There must be at least nine mares for every stallion in Ponyville!”
“I wouldn’t be so sure about that,” Twilight pondered.
Rainbow Dash stood puzzled. “I don’t follow.”
Twilight explained, “Opal didn’t alert Rarity.”
The athlete still didn’t understand. “So?”
Applejack caught on. “Opal didn’t warn Rarity, because Opal knew the pony!”
Rainbow Dash grimaced. “That can’t be true.”
Applejack asked, “What makes you say that?”
“Rarity doesn’t exactly let Opal roam. How many ponies does that cat know well enough besides us?”
Silence filled the room.
Pinkie Pie firmly said, “No pony here would want to hurt Twilight!”
Twilight reassured her. “And that’s what bothers me, Pinkie. I know none of you would wish me ill harm, but like Rainbow said, there aren’t many other options.” She grimaced. "Rarity told me that she thought she heard the pony's voice before, but wouldn't that make the culprit a customer?"
Everypony remained silent.
Applejack stated, “We’ll figure this out, but I’ve got to be gettin’ back to the farm.”
Twilight nodded. “I understand.” She looked to the other three ponies. “I didn’t mean to keep you all for so long.”
Rainbow Dash stretched her wings. “No big, Twi. We’re your friends, and friends look out for each other.”
After Spike, Rainbow Dash, and Twilight had said their goodbyes to the remaining three friends, the unicorn returned to the main room and began to think.
“Oh, right,” Rainbow Dash groaned, “I forgot; you have to do that.”
Author's notes! Well, I don't know exactly who's going to read this, but if you're here from my Aliens/MLP crossover, "The Creatures that Came to Ponyville," don't worry. I haven't stopped that. This is just a side project.
Now, if you read carefully, you should have a good idea as to how many chapters this is going to be. If not, well, what're you waiting for? Get reading! Again!
Speaking of reading, thanks for doing just that. Stick around if you're interested in seeing where this vendetta goes.
I'm taking a different approach entirely, more meditative and less actiony.
1749704 Wow. I did not expect such mixed results.
Okay, let's hear it. What's your personal constructive criticism?
CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM, If you all don't mind. Tell me why you do or do not like this.
Extremely good. Who's the 4th character tag, though?
1750490 That would be Mare Do Well. And if you could shed some constructive criticism as to why you liked it (Notice the mixed results) I would be in your debt.
I like the idea and am curious about what is going on. I'll keep reading.
1751331 Your positive feedback is appreciated. Thank you very much.
1750300 Never demand criticism because your story doesn't do very well. It makes for a very unlikable author.
The first thing that bothers me is Applejack being two words, when it is one. Common knowledge thing. The opening was rather jarring. I assume the antagonist was thinking those things to itself and little of what it said made sense.
Albeit that was probably intentional, but it it was messy to have them ramble off about Twilight and then attack Rarity without much transition in thought. I actually was under the impression that Twilight was at Rarity's. it breaks flow.
These aren't the only issues, I'm sure that much can be done in the descriptive department and perhaps changing your approach. If you want 1500 words to get featured, those 1500 words need to compelling and meaningful. A simple revenge story with a straight forward, uninteresting set up (walks in and chokes out rarity while verbally threatening twilight doesn't scream genius) just isn't interesting enough to stand by itself.
1753573 I request criticism to improve on myself. And with that said, I appreciate yours.
Now, for Applejack, I blame brain farts on that. I have no excuse but my own lack of attention. I'll be correcting that within the minute.
And yes, the opening doesn't make sense, but it will as Phase Two and Phase Three become realized (I know Vanguard is getting mixed results, but I'm not writing for views or favorites or whatnot. It's an idea that stuck around in my head long enough to warrant the attention that I have given it.)
Now, I have a bad habit of expecting my readers to make connections. I do not mean that in a condescending manner; I mean that I just assume that the reader will make the connection. A bad habit, I know. Anyways, the connection here was that the antagonist, who shall be named in the beginning of Phase Four, wants the Mare Do Well costume. Now, here's my logic: You're looking for one of Rarity's personal designs; wouldn't the best place to search be in Rarity's own home?
And I know that 1500's barely a drop; if you look at my other work, The Creatures that Came to Ponyville, you'll find that I prefer my chapters to be in the 5k amount and now pushing 6k.
But, the Aliens/MLP crossover will be about a 35k work, whereas Vanguard will be roughly 10k divided into eight phases.
To summarize, yes, it doesn't make sense, but we're dealing with an antagonist who's mental stability isn't very stable.
Again, I appreciate your constructive criticism. Thank you very much. And now to correct Applejack.
1753706 Yes I understood that Rarity's costume would be in the boutique, but when you constantly say "Kill TS" and then break into Rarity's considering the information given to me, I could only assume that TE is in there or killer wants to kill Rarity. You never said "First part of phase one: acquire disguise."
Bam. Connection. Rarity makes clothes best place for disguises.
Not "Psychotically rant about killing TS: Break into Rarity's"
If all they talk about is killing TS and then break into rarity's. Bam? Connection? TS must be there? It's jarring. When you talked about the killer searching the drawers made less sense. Sadly it's not implied as you make it sound.
Someone breaks into Rarity's the first I think isn't that they want the mare do well costume.
1753800 I see your point. And a very good point it is. I do hope that you'll stick around, though. As you'll read in the beginning, this is all a giant jigsaw puzzle. We know what the end result is going to be, but each individual piece doesn't make sense by itself. And to be truthful, the confusion will only increase with each phase. As I said, I hope that you'll stick around, but if you're not one who enjoys THOSE types of "mystery" novels, I thank you for taking the time out of your day to converse with me at the very least.
1753800 Oh, one more thing: I meant to compliment you on your own personal library of literature that you appear to have written. Excluding Twilight's New Dress, if we weren't having this discussion, I'd say taht you look like a chap who knows a thing or two about writing. Best of luck with your future endeavors.
1753875
I can see you have some sort of master plan in your head. Perhaps it would have been better received with more chapters to "explain" your style.
1753875 lol... I could never say I'm very good, anything I say might be overturned by some actually good writer, I was just pointing out my personal confusion. Good luck to you too, maybe someday we'll fight over the feature box.
1753942 Ooooh, I do indeed possess what you'd call a Master Plan. But, I wanted to get the first chapter out to see how it would be received. I had anticipated a landslide of positives, but I now see that it would probably be in my best interest to focus on my Aliens/MLP crossover.
Vanguard shall remain at my side as a project of lesser priority.
And how about we split that feature box? Plenty of spaces for all of us aspiring authors. And I'll let you have the last comment. Doesn't seem right to turn this all into a discussion.
1750286
My "Pinkie Plural" will have a followup chapter, once I figure out a decent title and spend the time to finish it. It's based partly on the same concept you have here. It's such a big fandom that good ideas don't stay unwritten for very long.
1755168 That's not really constructive criticism, but congratulations?
And you're absolutely right. With so many of us thinking about the same idea, it's not long before certain stories will be realized.
1756790
Ah, so you were asking me. Let's see, whoever it is would need to know about the multiple Pinkies and how they were dispatched. Her friends all stood up for her against Trixie, so none of them have such a rift with her. It's probably not Big Mac or Apple Bloom, who helped with the herding. It's probably not Hairy the Bear. Careful reading gives me a hint as to who it is (or at least narrows it down to 39).
The dialogue is pretty good. The first line indent makes the story harder to read toward the top: most of the paragraphs are one line with a word or three hanging below, making it difficult to scan; I suggest combining the italicized thought paragraphs with the sneaky action paragraphs.
There are bits of grammar and ambiguous action here and there that don't quite ring true, mostly toward the middle of this chapter. It also has a bit of "the-unicorn syndrome" - where you shy away from using a character's name because you feel you've used it too much. The reader's mind doesn't notice overuse of character names, by the way; it's an invisible word like "said" - purely functional once a character's presence in a scene has been established. It's like trying to avoid using the word "the" - there's no reason to.
Example sentence: "Mask off, the pony gently placed one foreleg on the mare’s throat and began tapping the unicorn’s head." First, I had to re-read this sentence and the previous to understand the mask action; it wasn't the ersatz Mare-Do-Well's mask that was off, but Rarity's. Second, you used two different nouns for Rarity, neither of which was her name. Here's my suggestion:
She walked over to the bedroom window and opened it, gauging the distance to the ground. Then she snuck over to the bed and carefully removed the sleeping mask that was wrapped around Rarity’s head. She placed one foreleg on the sleeping mare’s throat and gently tapped her head.
1758709 I shall accept your suggestion and constructive criticism without hesitation!
interesting idea, and i was just wondering if the title was a reference to the card game vanguard
1759937 Yugioh. That's my ONLY cardgame! Well, that and Blackjack. And thank you for your support.