In one of the many bedrooms of the palace was one mare alone. A dark blue coated alicorn who was accompanied by a short azure blue mane, while her cyan eyes gazed upon the blue skies and the sun which stood high in it. “Why Tia..? Just, why..? Why may I not raise the moon on my own, why may I not go around the world myself, why may I not practice my own magic, on my own..?” A deep sigh was released before a small tear began to build up in her right eye.
The tear made its slow way over her cheek. Only to be meeting the blankets in which the mare had wrapped herself in. Though the more she thought and questioned, the more tears began to roll from her cheeks. “Just why, Celestia?!” she yelled before bursting out in tears and pulled the blankets over herself, only to sob underneath them.
“Just, why..? What have I done to deserve this..? We are meant to rule together, not you alone!” the broken mare spoke through her sobbing. “Am, am I not strong enough? Is that it sister?”
The more the mare talked to herself, the deeper she got tangled in a web created by herself. It didn't take long for the moon to shine down through the windows of the bedroom and the mare uncovered herself from the blankets, staring thoughtfully at the rock she had been on for so long. Slowly the mare sat upright in her bed and let out a deep sigh as she wiped her tears away carefully. Yet every time she looked at the wet fur after each wipe. “Tia...”
---
The princess of the sun entered the magnificent looking throne room under a thick gloom after she raised the moon. “My sister... How could I have been so foolish to send you there? I, I shouldn't be a princess, not after everything I’ve done. I am so sorry my sister.” The mare turned her attention back to the moon as a small tear ran down her cheeks. “Why couldn't you see..? Why couldn't you see it?”
Under the sounds of a deep sigh and the soft clapper of her golden shoes she made her way to her own bedroom. “Goodnight, sister,” said Celestia when she passed the room of her sister.
Though it was not too late afterwards that that same door unlocked itself and the dark blue coated mare trotted out of it. She began to make her way to the throne room. The moderate cyan eyes gazed once again on the moonlight coated throne as the quiet clatter of glass shoes came nearer and nearer, from a barely perceptible noise to about the noise level of a mouse scurrying across glass floor.
The mare took place on the ever so mighty throne under a deep sigh. After one-thousand-years of sitting rock, this thing was so unusual yet so familiar to the mare.
“Why... am I even needed..?” she questioned herself.
One of the guards looked up to the mare and spoke to her with a respectful tone. “Something the matter, your highness?”
"No guard... There... There is nothing. Just, thoughts running around freely...” the alicorn of the night replied. During her words, she kept her attention to the moon. The guard gave a respectful nod before returning to his post.
---
Minutes slowly passed by and there she still sat, her attention fixed to that giant rock of sorrow as tears flow freely over her cheeks before falling down to the ground.
But all the sudden the mare began to boil in anger. Her face started to twitch slightly and it didn't took long before she began to shout towards the moon. “Why am I even needed!? We are meant to rule together as sisters! But yet, now that I am back finally after one thousand years of loneliness and sorrow, you barely even make the effort to talk to me! Sister, what have I done to you do deserve this!? Why!? Just why!?”
All the guards in the room where shocked by at the suddenness of the eruption. Though the mare calmed herself down under the sound of sobbing. Yet none of the guards dared to even approach the mare but they couldn't stand the sight of her like that either. Tears streamed down the cheeks of the dark blue mare as she slowly spread her wings and jumped off of the throne. “Answer me!” Her eyes kept themselves fixed on the moon as her breathing increased and became heavier from the sadness.
Some guards began to walk up to her with a questioning look in their eyes. Though the mare kept walking up to the railing of the balcony. She just stood there and only gazed upon the moon with widespread wings. Trails of tears left the throne but the guard waded through the puddles of tears that were already creating little streams and leaving the throne room. Before the guard could speak she made her reply. “Please... Answer my cries... Just why?”
As more and more guards carefully made their way to the door of the balcony, keeping their eyes on her. They all had same thought, is she alright? Yet there was one young guard who was either was foolish or brave enough to move further up to the mare.
---
He could hear her light sobbing as the head lowered itself on the railing. His armor clattered lightly before he came to a standstill. “Are you, alright, princess?” he spoke to her in a soft voice.
Her ears perked a little but she made no other attempt at responding.
“Princess, please tell us, what is troubling you?”
Before he could get any form of answer in word, the mare answered him in deeds. She rose back up from the railing and placed her front hooves on it. Without a single word nor warning did she jumped off of the railing.
The young guard got the scare of his life as he rushed over to the railing but didn't dare to look down, as down there was nothing more but a long drop before the ground came. He gently took off his helmet and his sapphire blue mane mixed with dark blue and cerulean dropped down as his head lowered. The eyelids began to cover the cerulean eyes as a small tear rolled out of them. “G-Goodbye, princess,” he mumbled softly.
But as he stood there, a wind blew through his mane. Although it was not a normal wind of any kind. But a wind that came from below and seemed to be going up. The kind of wind created by pegasus wings lifting off while a couple tears fell on his head.
Hrm, not too bad. A bit short, but eh.
Usually, I'd use color-identification sparsely, using names mainly.
Kinda different feel to your style; I'd like to see how this develops...
1732377 This is only the first chapter my dear. I have planned quite the lot for this story. But I am glad you like it so far.
My style has been switching over the passed months, and we shall see that yes. Though I am not known with the 'color-identification' manner you mentioned. Then again, I do not know if it is commonly done where you are originally from.
~Rarity
1732394 Well for a first chapter, it's a good start.
By colors, I meant like placing the focus on a pony by describing the color...
I'd probably use a description of a pony's coat and mane initially to provide the image, but use their name/title afterwards.
Nice choice of colors, though. I actually had to look up phthalo.
1732410 I thank you again for your kind words my dear.
And excuse me, now I do see what you mean. I, have quite the history with using names and titles, mostly ending up in endless repeating of it... Some kind of odd writing tick I have. And about the colors, I had the MLP wiki open for that.
I like the style, I like premise, and I like the grammar. I Love the story.
1732454 And I can not thank you enough for your kind words darling.
~Rarity
1732506
More than happy to speak them. I would offer you my editing services, but the story doesn't need them.
(I should shut up now, shouldn't I?)
cdn.derpiboo.ru/media/BAhbBlsHOgZmSSIsMjAxMi8xMS8xOC8wMV8xMF81NF84ODNfMTU1NTk0X19VTk9QVF9fBjoGRVQ/155594__safe_spike_screencap_youtube-caption_too-many-pinkie-pies_yes.jpg
I hear featuredom.
1732517 0-0 W-wait, it doesn't need an editor? That is a world first for me. (I leave that up to you, my dear.)
1732540 You think?
1732613
I guess it could use a wee little bit, but nothing much. Do I have your permission to screw up the story?
1732623 'Screw up'? C-could you just tell me what is wrong with it?
1732634
I was speaking of me screwing it up. I saw like 3 little errors with apostrophes and commas.
1732643 May I ask what those are?
“Just... Why...? What have I, done to deserve this...?
“Just... Why...? What have I done to deserve this...?
The moderate cyan eyes gazed once again on the moonlight coated throne as a small clapper of the glass shoes made their way to it.
The moderate cyan eyes gazed once again on the moonlight coated throne as the quiet clatter of glass shoes came nearer and nearer, from a barely perceptible noise to about the noise level of a mouse scurrying across glass floor.
The mare took place on the ever so mighty throne under a deep sigh, after one thousands years of rock this thing, was so unusual yet so familiar for the mare.
The mare took place on the ever so mighty throne under a deep sigh. After one thousands years of sitting rock, this thing was so unusual yet so familiar for the mare.
None of the guards dared to approach the mare but couldn’t stand the sight of her like this.
None of the guards dared to approach the mare but they couldn’t stand the sight of her like this.
But all the sudden the mare began to boil in anger as her face started to twitch slightly and it didn’t took long before she began to shout towards the moon, “Why am I even needed!?
But all the sudden the mare began to boil in anger. Her face started to twitch slightly and it didn’t took long before she began to shout towards the moon, “Why am I even needed!?
No guard... There, there is nothing.
No guard... There... There is nothing.
Trails of tears left the throne and walked up to the Alicorn as a small pool had created under her. “Please... Answer my cries... Just... Why?”
Trails of tears left the throne, but the guard waded through the puddles of tears that were already creating little streams and leaving the throne room. Before the guard could speak she said “Please... Answer my cries... Just... Why?”
Those were the few I saw.
There are quite a few grammar and punctuation errors. Also, you need to watch your capitalization: even the title has errors! It should be "On Nightmares and Moons." See the difference? You also use way too many ellipses. Your title should not have a period at the end like that.
Here are some basic things I noticed:
The heck is a phthalo? And you really don't need to tell us her eyes are a moderate cyan. Be decisive and definite. They're cyan, or they're not.
"Took" should be take. Your introduction of "the mare" is very awkward. I would suggest breaking it into another sentence, and possibly confirming that this mare is Luna. I was very confused the first time I read it. Finally, you can't stare "to" something. You can stare at it! But not to.
You do this a lot. See that comma? Axe it! You already used an exclamation point, making it useless. And remember, all punctuation goes inside the quotations.
As "always so wonderful" is modifying "looking," it should be "always-so-wonderful-looking." What do you mean by "under" a deep sigh? That's awkward phrasing. Try "sighing deeply," or "under a thick gloom." Finally, that last comma should be a period, as there is nothing in that sentence that leads into the dialogue.
Okay, I just looked up phthalo. Please, don't use that. Just say dark-blue. You're making it much more complex than it needs to be.
Try not to use "the mare" so much when referring to Luna. Using her name, or some other identifying, such as "alicorn," or "Princess of the Night," is fine.
Should be one-thousand-years. That comma isn't needed. While that "for" is technically correct, it is very awkward. Try "to."
Jeez. Luna sure does snap quickly. The way you're doing this seems very abrupt. Give us more details about what she's exactly thinking about. Yes, we know she doesn't think she's needed, but why? Give us examples! And if you're just going to have her snap in public like that, I would give her a trigger for it. Maybe some particularly intense thought...?
That exclamation should be a question mark. Try to cut down on the interrobangs (?! or !?).
Try "were shocked by."
See above. Period, not comma! Nothing leading into dialogue!
Try "questioning."
You're missing a "the" between "had" and "same." The "i" at the beginning of the thought should be capitalized.
It typically isn't very good form to use a word like "very" in front of an adverb. That "light" should be "lightly." Move that comma from behind "Are you" to behind "alright." Read the dialogue; doesn't it sound much more natural now?
"The" ears? Who's ears? Luna's? Tell us. The rest of the sentence sounds very awkward. Try: "but she made no other attempt at responding."
Awkward phrasing. "Princess, please tell us, what is troubling you?"
Not a problem this time, but a compliment: I like this. Nice wordplay.
The ground is given? Huh? Just say the ground.
That next "g" after the stutter should be capitalized as well.
Both errors are due to phrasing. I would change the first sentence to: "But as he stood there, a wind blew through his mane—although, it was not a normal wind." Separate the part about the tears into a separate sentence. I.E.: "A couple of tears fell on his head."
This went very fast. Give us more description! Use your five senses!
--
While better than many things I've read, this still has a lot of problems. I would suggest getting an editor. If you go to /fic/'s Training Grounds, I'm sure you can receive help there. We also have many groups on the site, such as: The Editor's Group!
Good luck, and keep writing.
-Dubs Rewatcher
Former TWE Reviewer
1732777 That is quite the lot, but I shall place it in the story. But also I thank you for pointing them out my dear.
That's not too many, but Dubs Rewatcher seems to have a pretty good list.
1732808 First of all, I thank you for searching up all the mistakes I made, I have taken the liberty to edit them into the story. But also allow me to give a couple explanations. First of all, my native language is not English, I am used to a different style of writing in my native language, but I try to do my best. That also explains the comma's when somepony says something. I got that hammered into me.
Second, the reason why Luna bursts out so easily will be explained later, for this is only the first chapter in the story. I set it on 'incomplete', it shall all be explained in time. (Meaning when I have time to write chapter 2)
And I truly need to get an editor ASAP, for 7 months doing it on my own, kinda wears on you. I shall have a look at the website you have given me.
And thank you darling, I shall keep on writing.
1732875 That he/she indeed has yes, but I am thankful for the both of you to be honest. For you both helped me with it.
If you want me to edit for you I definitely can, I just ain't the best.
1733141 It is alright my dear, Every single (or most) edit told to me as been processed into the story by this point.
1733157What I was meaning is that if you want me to edit stories you do in the future, I would be happy to.
1733227 Well if you wish to do so, give me a PM and then we can work things out.
even though its the first page i want to cry