Twisted Truth and Lonely Lies

by Plasmadon

Seraph, or Syphilis?

Twisted Truth and Lonely Lies

Chapter 1: Seraph, or Syphilis?

I woke up.

Yeah, that’s it. You were expecting some sort of monologue on how I felt as I drifted out of oblivion, right? Well, don’t expect much and you won’t be disappointed.

So, anyways, I woke up. There was this strange sort of vibration moving up and down my body. Holy crap; what if I’m being probed by an alien? I shot up, only to find that something metal was directly in front of my face.

“What the freaking Toto was that?!” I shouted, clutching my forehead.

“Ah!” someone from my right screamed. I opened my eyes and looked over…

And found myself face-to-face with a winged lizard.

Now I know what you’re all thinking. Dragon? No. think of it more like an Argonian from Skyrim, except with angel wings.

It took me a lot longer than it usually would to comprehend what I saw, mostly due to the fact that I gave myself a mild concussion. Once my brain had regained enough processing power to understand that I was in front of a lizard, I cussed.

“Judas… I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU, YOU BASTARD!!!!!” I screamed, thrashing around. The angel-guana (that’s what I decided to call them) looked even more scared than before. After an unintelligible squeak (and the fact that it had boobs), I determined it was a girl.

“Ugh, my head… sorry to bother you, miss. I just have to find my way out of here kick the crap out of a damned soul.”

The girl looked slightly confused. “Damned… soul…?” she murmured. Oh, great. Someone even more shy and antisocial than the geeks back home.

“Excuse me,” I said, suddenly realizing something. “Where exactly am I?”

“Oh! Um… you’re in my house, on the edge of the Blackwell Islands.”

“Blackwell Islands?” I asked. “That’s odd. I don’t remember ever hearing about that place. Well, that git did say I’d end up in another reality.”

“Um… if you don’t mind me asking… how have you not heard about the Blackwell Islands? I mean, you’re a seraph.”

“I’m a what-now?” I asked. I stared down at my hands. Now that I wasn’t freaking out, I could see and feel the minute differences in my body; my skin was smoother, the hair on my arms and legs completely gone. I seemed to be thinner, more muscular, especially along my arms, back and torso. My body also felt much lighter, and there was a strange sensation in my gut, like air flowing through my organs.

“A seraph. Have you really not heard of seraph before? You must have had very little education,” the lizard-lady said concernedly. I chuckled.

“That’s where you’re wrong. I just didn’t pay any attention in class. I’m Cooper, by the way. What’s your name?”

“I’m Alenea,” the girl said.

“Nice to meet you, Alenea. Now, if you don’t mind, would you please tell me what exactly a seraph is?”

Alenea looked surprised, but spoke nevertheless. “A seraph is any winged bipedal creature such as ourselves.”

“Wait –did you just say wings?!” I asked in amazement. That was why my back and upper body felt so strong. I flexed my back, and two enormous gray and ebony wings flared out. Alenea gasped slightly.

“Wow…” she whispered. “They’re huge.”

“Really?” I asked. “I thought they were pretty big, but I’ve never seen any other males, so I can’t compare them.” With a little effort, I folded my wings back into the conveniently placed cavity of my back, and noted my surroundings.

I was in a cozy looking room, with a bright fire in one corner and a table in the other. There was a small window near me, overlooking a beautiful valley below a maelstrom of clouds and dots.

“How many of you… of us are there out there?” I asked in amazement.

“Oh, about three hundred.”

“Three hundred? That’s all? What happened to the –HOLY CRAP WHAT THE CRUCIFIX HAPPENED TO MY EARS?!” I screeched. I was staring into another conveniently placed object: a mirror. I still had my dashing good looks, but upon closer inspection, I noticed two ears, covered in fur, sticking up from my hair. My features seemed more… canine, for lack of a better word. When I opened my mouth, I saw that my teeth were slightly sharper, and my back molars had become spikes. Oddly enough, they didn’t hurt at all. Even my eyes burned into canine browns. I turned around, hoping for another, actually better, possibility…

“YES!” I shouted, which sent Alenea into another quivering fit. “I have a fucking tail!” I’ve always wanted a tail. The only problem was, I had no idea how to move it. It just poked out of a hole in my jeans, flowing limply to the floor. “Judas, you are quite possibly the coolest douchebag on the face of the multi-verse!”

“Who exactly is this Judas?” Alenea asked.

“Long story. I’m not exactly allowed to explain, if I’m right.” A bright flash of light caught my attention at the windowsill. “Um, Alenea? Is there supposed to be a humongous flaming lizard with three heads going on a rampage and frying other seraph today?”

Alanea’s eyes widened. “The pyrohydra!” she squeaked. “That thing’s been attacking us for months now!” an even more scared look crossed her face. “I just forgot! My sister’s out there!”

Evil monster: check.

Damsel in distress: check.

Badass new body in which to kick evil monster’s flaming ass and save damsel in distress: double check.

“I’m in!” I shouted. I ran to the window and jumped out.

Probably not the best idea, considering that the cottage was built on the side of a cliff.

Comments

[Phobos]

“Judas, you are quite possibly the coolest douchebag on the face of the multi-verse!”

This is the funniest story i ever read